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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Feeling smothered

183 replies

Beautifulmonster · 26/07/2014 17:16

Been seeing a guy for a year. What do you think of the following:

  • about 20 texts a day, more if I don't reply, even more if we have had a falling out
  • at least 3 phone calls a day (I hate talking on the phone) sometimes at inconvenient times eg when I am at work and he knows I can't talk
  • pretending to be cool about me going out (I rarely go out) but when I do making me feel guilty by saying, I wish you had told me before and asking the same questions over and over eg about who is going as if to catch me out
  • when I had builders in my home, kept turning up unexpectedly at odd times as if to check up on me
  • ringing me all day long about what time the builders were finishing and what time they left and did they phone and who phoned etc
  • turned up outside my home at 9am one Sunday after a rare Saturday night to myself (he lives 30 miles away) accusing me of having a man in the house as my friend's car was on the drive and she had got a taxi home. He had driven to my home to check up on me
  • asking over and over about drinks in my fridge and saying the lager was a man's drink, who was it for etc
  • offering to do things to help me out but putting himself out so much it embarrasses me and then throwing at me in an argument that he feels used

It is as if he doesn't have enough in his life. He keeps texting saying he is bored. It puts pressure on me.
I have tried to end it several times but he says he will fight for me. I know I have got to say a definitive no and stick to it. Can you understand why I am feeling smothered?
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LumpySpacedPrincess · 27/07/2014 15:06

Well done! Stay firm. You are no longer in a relationship with this man so you owe him nothing. Enjoy your freedom. Smile

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greeneggsandjam · 27/07/2014 15:10

Well done and stay strong. He will surely have another go. Do not interact in any way at all.

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pictish · 27/07/2014 15:19

He'll not let it go at that, I'll wager.
Don't let him talk you into a reconciliation.

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hamptoncourt · 27/07/2014 15:20

Other posters are quite right, he is likely to come back again and again if you let him.

Please do block him.

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BecauseIsaidS0 · 27/07/2014 15:27

Not trying to be alarmist, but I would say be careful. The fact that he managed to appear right when you had the door open is quite worrying. Could you stay with your sister for a little while, maybe?

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Joysmum · 27/07/2014 15:28

Well done. For his sort, no contact is best as the slightest thing and he'll use it as an excuse to get back into your life.

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Beautifulmonster · 27/07/2014 15:34

Yes he has a habit of texting me out of the blue to say he is thinking of calling in. But he must actually be already in the area as he then turns up in minutes. I saw his car parked in my road once about half an hour after he left. That's why I'm concerned about blocking him on my phone - I would rather know what he is up to.

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hamptoncourt · 27/07/2014 15:39

But you won't know really what he is up to anyway..........he isn't telling you the truth is he?

He will perceive any contact at all as encouragement. If you don't block him this will drag on and on......................

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Wrapdress · 27/07/2014 15:43

I find it hard to believe someone so stalkerish would just go away that easily. He'll be back. That is some scary stuff you are dealing with.

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FunkyBoldRibena · 27/07/2014 15:57

BM - how far away does he actually live?

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Gfplux · 27/07/2014 15:59

I can only agree with everyone else. Get rid of him now.

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Mostlyjustaluker · 27/07/2014 16:02

Get rid of him. If he keeps ringing/ texting block your number. If he keeps turning up contact the police. I would first give him a chance to stop his behaviour eg the first time he turns up say if you turn up again I will contact the police and then if he turns up again do it.

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ilovelamp82 · 27/07/2014 16:15

Well done OP. Try not to worry too much, just be vigilant. If you've asked him not to contact you and he does (which I imagine he will) , tell him not to contact you again or you will call the police. He will tell you you are a heartless bitch again no doubt and over reacting. But a normal person will respect your wishes so if you need to follow througj on the threat of calling police then make sure you do or it may go on for some time.

Congratulations! The beginning of your new life starts now. Enjoy!!!

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Meerka · 27/07/2014 17:21

PLAN how to deal with him. therés a lot of red flags here. He's going to make life really really difficult.

You can either slip into being his on-tap smothered gf or you can get out and breathe fresh air. It's one or the other.

But he won't let his possession go without a fight so you need to plan this one. There's a lot of info on these boards.

You need to be firm. Really firm and decisive.

Be prepared to block him and that you want no more contact. When he ignores that, tell him that you will consider more contact as harassment and call the police. then do it.

MNér will help you and be there to support becuase men like this are incredibly hard to get rid of. They'll cling like fly-covered turds to your shoe.

it's OKAY to say "I don't wnat to see you again and I don't want to explain why. It's over. Goodbye".

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Meerka · 27/07/2014 17:22

gaaha im sorry - somehow i didnt see there was more than one page Blush oops

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FatewiththeLeadPiping · 27/07/2014 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Beautifulmonster · 27/07/2014 17:44

I went through all this last weekend but relented after about a million texts and I'm sorrys. I'm feeling stronger this time though and he knows it hence the heartless bitch comment and the fact he hasn't contacted me all day today (yet.)

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Mabelface · 27/07/2014 17:51

Block him on facebook at least and make sure your house security is very tight. He'll be back in touch.

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greeneggsandjam · 27/07/2014 17:56

Has he sent you any intimidating texts? If so keep them as evidence just in case. Do not talk or respond to him. If he knocks on your door don't answer it. I would be tempted to get a new phone number and delete any type of facebook account or similar. If he once parked his car down the street half an hour after leaving you he was surely watching you to see what you were up to.

Be thankful you have managed to get so far, you are doing a great job!

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mindyourown1 · 27/07/2014 18:03

And also tighten facebook security settings - even if you block him he could set up a fake account. If not already make it so only friends can add you, make everything as private as possible. I don't suppose he would have put keylogger software or suchlike on any of your devices - or is that me being totally paranoid?

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wyrdyBird · 27/07/2014 18:09

Your advice still applies though, Meerka.
BM, I agree with pp: he's unlikely to leave it there, so be aware and don't be surprised if you hear from him again. If that happens, repeat that he's not to contact you again, and follow up with a call to police if it becomes necessary.
Good for you, btw, and stay strong.

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ROUNDandROUNDINCIRCILESMORETHA · 27/07/2014 18:47

Run you do not need this in your life.

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Minime85 · 27/07/2014 18:52

Goodness me I think it's all been said but leave him please. Any concerns contact police

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Viviennemary · 27/07/2014 18:52

Get rid of him immediately. He is far far too possessive and controlling. What a nightmare!

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Beautifulmonster · 27/07/2014 19:11

You are right everyone. It has turned nasty as you predicted and I am scared. I am leaving the thread to sort it out and phone the police.

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