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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need impartial perspective

151 replies

Bobbybaby · 22/07/2014 18:21

My DP and I are fairly young, no DCs or anything, been together two years. We are very different people. I am an old raver type, used to party a lot, doing stuff (party substances, please don't judge me!) that I shouldn't.My DP is verrrry straight, moral etc. Never so much as smoked a cigarette. When we got together I kind of put my "wild" days behind me.On Saturday my DPs friend had a party, they are also "hardcore party people" (I hate myself for saying that, stick with me, please). Anyway - I ended up doing something I shouldn't (a line of coke, again please don't judge me) and admitting it to DP late on sunday evening. DP absolutely disgusted - cant look at me etc etc. He hasn't spoken to me since and slept on the sofa last night. I am staying at a friendstonightas he "doesn't see how we can resolve this issue". I think our relationship is over. ive promised I will never do anything like that again, apologised continuously but it doesn't seem to make a difference.Do I deserve this? Would you leave your DP? I stopped doing this sort of thing about 3 years ago and it really was a one off "oh im so drunk lets go wild sort of thing".
I really think that this has broken us and I'm pretty devastated.

OP posts:
punygod · 22/07/2014 18:24

He's judgy, therefore not much of a loss, IMO.

isthisanacidtest · 22/07/2014 18:25

I couldn't be with someone who does drugs at all. I've seen in my family the devastation it can cause.

I'd be rethinking too Sad sorry

TallyGrenshall · 22/07/2014 18:30

I'm not judging you for doing it, it's up to you what you do/don't do

But

If my DP, boyfriend, husband, whatever did a line of coke then I would end the relationship. It's a total deal breaker for me

Mama1980 · 22/07/2014 18:34

Everyone has their different limits and viewpoints on things. You have the right to decide what you do but equally he has a right not to live with it so no one can say if he's reasonable or not because it's what he thinks that matters.
I'm sorry but I've seen close up the devastation drugs cause it is one thing I could not live with a partner doing so yes I'd be reassessing in your partners position.
I think all you can do is apologise, but don't promise you won't do it again unless you really won't, if you think it's ok, that is ok but be honest with him.

punygod · 22/07/2014 18:34

I've never done drugs in my life.

But that's MY choice.

If I loved someone, and their choice didn't actually affect me in any way, I couldn't bin them because they made a different choice to me.

I might discuss it with them, let them know how it made me feel, etc, and if I didn't like it and presented good reasons and they continued with that behaviour despite this, then yes, I might reconsider.

But to not speak to you after the first "offence"?

Controlling and judgy, IMO.

gamerchick · 22/07/2014 18:41

It's done now stop apologising to him or maybe a frank 'I'm sorry it was a one off and it's never going to happen again.. I can't do anything to change that but we should talk about where we go from here' if it's over then it's over but keeping you in the dog house isn't fair.

Quitelikely · 22/07/2014 18:44

What gamer chick said but I'm slightly confused as to why it's ok for him to be friends with people who use drugs if he despises them so much?? You did mean his friends right?

FrankSaysNo · 22/07/2014 18:46

No I'm sorry. Drugs ruin lives. I would not want you in my life. I would not have children with you. I would not tie up my finances with you. You have shown by your party slip up that you cannot be trusted; that you are easily lead, that you are not in control of your own life. You are diametrically opposed to everything I believe in. I would walk away from you. You would not be the mother of my children.

hamptoncourt · 22/07/2014 18:49

I had an ex who took coke regularly and it destroyed our relationship and is probably destroying him right now.

I would never ever date someone who took coke again.Aside from anything else, it made him so boring!

Maybe he has had a similar experience in the past. Either way, from what you have posted, you could have guessed how he might react so is it really a big loss to you?

Mrsgrumble · 22/07/2014 18:50

I wod want out too. It may be fairer to you both in the long run. You don't sound fully compatible.

wannaBe · 22/07/2014 18:56

I've never understood the blasé attitude that some on here have towards drugs.

I think that "judgy" is perfectly ok when it comes to doing coke tbh.

It would be an absolute dealbreaker for me to the extent that if it was a partner of mine they wouldn't be having unsupervised access to my children.

If drugs are your thing then you are unlikely to find a compatible relationship with someone who is opposed to their use.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/07/2014 19:01

You knew how your DP felt about drugs and you chose to do it anyway. No-one twisted your arm, you took a risk and you've paid a heavy price. Lesson learned the hard way, I'm afraid.

EveMarieSaint · 22/07/2014 19:01

You did something illegal. Would you expect special treatment from the police, too?

If you want to do drugs that's your business. But don't take the moral high ground here. His taking time to consider this and get his head round it is not 'controlling', neither is his decision to end it. You sound immature and self-centred.

EveMarieSaint · 22/07/2014 19:03

Are you 17?

FrankSaysNo · 22/07/2014 19:04

the ting that also stood out from your OP:

I'm a raver and he's moral. Translated that means you have a colourful past and he doesnt. But you've never told him have you? You pretended to be something you aren't - you took on his moral stance and you've slipped up. Lied to him by omission and slipped up?

The wonderful thing about MN is the nay/yay sayers - but people judge and they judge harshly. They pretend they don't but they do. You cannot escape your past life. Just like Angelina Jolie in the papers a fortnight ago, she will never lose the fact she was an addict. Same way your partner will never forget you are substance reliant

WildBillfemale · 22/07/2014 19:08

*I couldn't be with someone who does drugs at all. I've seen in my family the devastation it can cause.

I'd be rethinking too*

me too, he's wise to have a rethink......

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/07/2014 19:11

I don't think it's a question of escaping a past life. The OP made a serious error of judgement and found her boyfriend's 'deal breaker' in the process. The drugs are a bit of a red herring, really. We all have behaviour we can't tolerate in others (infidelity, aggression, voting UKIP) and, for the boyfriend, this happens to be it.

Offred · 22/07/2014 19:11

I'm not judgy about your drug taking. I think it's up to you. Now I have children I would not be involved with someone who thought taking drugs is ok because I wouldn't feel comfortable trusting them around my children. I have in fact cut off a friend because he is addicted to cocaine even though I wouldn't allow him anywhere near my children anyway. It's just too much of an unnecessary risk for me.

It seems your DP feels even more strongly that he himself does not want to be involved with someone who uses drugs. You know this and you did it anyway. He's got a right to want to end things IMO. However it does seem like you may be trying to make yourself into something you aren't in order to be with him and you might be better off with someone with a more compatible attitude so it may not be any huge loss if he really does want to end it.

You're young, don't hitch yourself to someone you aren't compatible with too early just because you've been together a long time.

Original poster
Bobbybaby · 22/07/2014 19:19

Frank - I've never ever lied about my past, we were friends before we got together and he knew the sort of stuff I did regularly. You've been quite judgemental I think in jumping to the conclusion that im a liar. Thanks all for your opinions. I'm aware that I've really upset my dp hence the reason I've gone to stay at a friends to give him some space. I just wanted to test the waters to see if many other people felt the same. Plus someone asked if the other people were DPs friends - yes they are which was partly why I was surprised about the extent of his reaction, he has friendships with a few recreational drug users

OP posts:
Original poster
Bobbybaby · 22/07/2014 19:20

Frank - I've never ever lied about my past, we were friends before we got together and he knew the sort of stuff I did regularly. You've been quite judgemental I think in jumping to the conclusion that im a liar. Thanks all for your opinions. I'm aware that I've really upset my dp hence the reason I've gone to stay at a friends to give him some space. I just wanted to test the waters to see if many other people felt the same. Plus someone asked if the other people were DPs friends - yes they are which was partly why I was surprised about the extent of his reaction, he has friendships with a few recreational drug users

OP posts:
GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 22/07/2014 19:32

I'd bin him off. He's not your moral guardian. Yes he is disappointed in you but that doesn't give him the right to scold you like a child.

If you'd gone out partying, come home off your head and trashed the house, my advice would be different. I'd still think you should break up but for entirely different reasons.

wannaBe · 22/07/2014 19:41

the fact he has friends who are drug users is irrelevant. I have friends who do things I would never tolerate in a relationship...

Can't believe there are people on here who think the dp is the one in the wrong here when it is the op who is taking illegal drugs.

FrankSaysNo · 22/07/2014 19:46

You may call me judgemental. I like to think I have standards. Similar standards to your partner. You dont share those standards. He deserves to have a life with someone clean.

thedancingbear · 22/07/2014 19:53

Sorry, but coke is a cock's drug. I reckon he is well rid.

holdyourown · 22/07/2014 20:11

OP I don't think it's unusual for someone to end a relationship because their partner has taken drugs- I've ended one for this reason and one of my friends has too.

It sounds like you don't see much of a problem with the cocaine taking, in which case you'd have to find a partner who felt the same.

Ultimately it seems like you wanted to take coke more than you wanted to stay with your guy, as that's the choice you made.

Maybe time to think about whether you want to keep on doing it/ mixing in those circles etc?