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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need impartial perspective

151 replies

Bobbybaby · 22/07/2014 18:21

My DP and I are fairly young, no DCs or anything, been together two years. We are very different people. I am an old raver type, used to party a lot, doing stuff (party substances, please don't judge me!) that I shouldn't.My DP is verrrry straight, moral etc. Never so much as smoked a cigarette. When we got together I kind of put my "wild" days behind me.On Saturday my DPs friend had a party, they are also "hardcore party people" (I hate myself for saying that, stick with me, please). Anyway - I ended up doing something I shouldn't (a line of coke, again please don't judge me) and admitting it to DP late on sunday evening. DP absolutely disgusted - cant look at me etc etc. He hasn't spoken to me since and slept on the sofa last night. I am staying at a friendstonightas he "doesn't see how we can resolve this issue". I think our relationship is over. ive promised I will never do anything like that again, apologised continuously but it doesn't seem to make a difference.Do I deserve this? Would you leave your DP? I stopped doing this sort of thing about 3 years ago and it really was a one off "oh im so drunk lets go wild sort of thing".
I really think that this has broken us and I'm pretty devastated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bobbybaby · 23/07/2014 14:22

Yep- it's not something I ever really bothered with anyway. Although I find it really hard to understand my DPs feelings about it, I can see it upsets him and I don't want to upset him ever.
Relationships are about compromise right? Even though some might argue I've compromised my choice here.....

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/07/2014 14:26

" But my DP is the exception to the rule"

There are a lot of areas of life that some might be blasé about and others find very anxiety-making .... being in debt, drinking to excess, doing drugs, gambling. One person's manageable credit card balance is another person's sleepless nights. The 'everyone else does it' argument really doesn't apply if you and your partner hold completely opposite views. As you can see from the responses here, views are extremely polarised because Class A drugs tend not to be a take-it-or-leave-it subject.

I'm glad he's calmed down but I hope he's not feeling obliged to accept something he finds repellent because he fears losing you. For your part, try to see the other person's point of view perhaps?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/07/2014 14:30

" I think a lot of people get angry about things they don't understand"

I think if you apply that same level of arrogance to your DP... effectively accusing him of being ignorant.... you deserve to be kicked to kerb ... Hmm

GinUtero · 23/07/2014 14:32

I think a lot of people get angry about things they don't understand

My interpretation was that the OP was addressing that to some of the judgey comments on this thread.

Original poster
Bobbybaby · 23/07/2014 14:33

Cogito - ah totally didn't mean it like that. I was just making the point that actually my DP IS the exception to the rule in my circle - I wasn't making a judgement on him for choosing not to do C

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/07/2014 14:39

But when you dismiss objections to coke on the grounds that you think people get angry about things they don't understand then you are including your DP in that statement, like it or not. If you've ever expressed that view to him the inference is clear... you think he doesn't understand i.e is ignorant.

You asked for impartial perspectives. No-one looks so dull and out of touch as a teetotaller to a drunk. And no-one looks so big a fuckwit as a drunk to a teetotaller.

FrankSaysNo · 23/07/2014 14:43

How about you go talk to your wife or spend some quality time with your DCs?

I'm not a lesbian so the idea I have a wife isn't going to happen. DCs are at uni. I'll be buggered if I'm intruding on their life at the behest of a druggie. You forgot to tell me to go to work Grin

Open forum. I will post where I damned well please.

gateauxauxfruits · 23/07/2014 14:52

I'm not a lesbian so the idea I have a wife isn't going to happen. DCs are at uni. I'll be buggered if I'm intruding on their life at the behest of a druggie.

I bet you vote UKIP.

Offred · 23/07/2014 15:00

I don't think belittling people who have a different view helps. Tbh coke is illegal, whether you think it should be or not is not relevant, it is and you must understand therefore that people are very likely to be judgemental about it.

People have different understandings of things. You understanding that it is just something everyone does for fun with relatively few negative consequences is based on your experience and is not more valid than another person who believes it is terribly damaging and addictive based on their experience.

Original poster
Bobbybaby · 23/07/2014 15:09

I'm not a lesbian so the idea I have a wife isn't going to happen. DCs are at uni. I'll be buggered if I'm intruding on their life at the behest of a druggie.

They haven't answered the phone in WEEKS have they?

Also I totally read all your posts in the voice of Alan Partridge.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bobbybaby · 23/07/2014 15:12

I don't think I've belittled anyone, people have CLEARLY gotten very angry on this thread and MY view is that often people get angry when they don't understand something. Think homophobia for instance.

OP posts:
nauticant · 23/07/2014 15:16

They haven't answered the phone in WEEKS have they?

I don't think I've belittled anyone

Consecutive posts. Were you being ironic are do you just lack self awareness?

Original poster
Bobbybaby · 23/07/2014 15:17

Anyway this has escalated. Bottom line is I DO respect that other people have different views from me but human nature means that I can’t always fully understand why people hold their views. I think, do what you like as long as you are not hurting other people. In this case, I have hurt my DP and for this reason have made a choice. Thanks again for all the advice MNetters. Bye!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/07/2014 15:20

Let's not think homophobia... Hmm You see, the people on this thread that have a knee-jerk aversion to drugs and who would not entertain anyone who did drugs in their life are effectively taking the side of your DP. They might not be articulating it quite the way he would choose but their anger, disappointment, judgementalism, fears (rational or irrational) ... all of it... is probably a fair snapshot of the type of things going round his head. If you dismiss the 'antis' on this thread, you are revealing your attitude to your DP's reaction.

Original poster
Bobbybaby · 23/07/2014 15:25

They haven't answered the phone in WEEKS have they?

But that's not "belittling" - its "nasty"

OP posts:
Offred · 23/07/2014 15:26

I think you need to grow up a bit tbh. You are coming across as quite arrogant and defensive.

I don't care if you do drugs, that's your look out. I think you are out of order to feel you have a monopoly on understanding and to be so sarcastic.

Cocaine is both a recreational drug which some people use for fun with few consequences AND a highly addictive illegal drug which ruins lives. All you can say is you have not suffered negative consequences (though you are just now) to drug taking and you aren't opposed to it.

I don't think your dp can trust you, but not because you have taken drugs. It's because you make statements like 'relationships are about compromise' and say you think people who object to drugs just don't understand/are afraid of them. This isn't showing him much respect given you know very well how strongly he feels, and I think you do understand why he feels the way he does and why others object too, you just mean you disagree and want to invalidate that view passive aggressively because you are deeply invested in your own view.

Offred · 23/07/2014 15:29

I mean I'm sure you have been very apologetic and ashamed in real life with him but behind his back on here you are betraying your real views I think; that you don't respect his boundary on this.

You need to be with someone who shares your views or at least doesn't feel quite as strongly and is happy for you to be yourself.

Original poster
Bobbybaby · 23/07/2014 15:37

But I have told my DP that I don't understand his view however will cease to do something that upsets him. I am apologetic and ashamed because I have upset him not really because of the action. He knows that. I can change my behaviour but not my beliefs in this case.

Also, I never said people who object to drugs are afraid of them - I said people get ANGRY about things they don't understand. Objectifying and anger are two separate things. I was pointing out the irrational angry backlash at a post about something that doesn't directly affect anyone on this site (unless my DP has a secret log on)

You are definitely right about this though; I most certainly have been immature and sarcastic towards Franksaysno, but if you look through the posts its a bit of an post war between the two of us.

I really do find everyones opinion interesting though! It's eye opening to be sure

OP posts:
offside · 23/07/2014 15:47

I couldn't be with someone who does drugs either. My DP used to socially with his friends before we met and I told him exactly how I felt about it and if he ever did drugs during our relationship, then it would be over. He hasn't done them since because he respects my wishes and our relationship.

I also have seen what it can do to families which is where my stance on the subject comes from.

I'm with your DP on this one.

MostWicked · 23/07/2014 15:56

I can't believe people are so uptight about what some people decide to do to their own bodies!
So it would be ok if your partner decided to have group sex at a party then? After all, it's their body.

I would be absolutely devastated if my DH took coke, and I really do think I would have a very hard time coming to terms with it, so whilst I am no fan of the silent treatment, I'm not sure I would even know what to say.

Everyone has expectations of their partner in a relationship, and it is not unreasonable to have an expectation that your partner should not take class A drugs. I think he is having a hard time talking to you because you really do not understand why he is so upset, so that will make it harder for him to accept your promises. You are not choosing to not do drugs, you are saying you won't do them because he doesn't want you to. That wouldn't be enough for me.

Original poster
Bobbybaby · 23/07/2014 15:57

I can't believe people are so uptight about what some people decide to do to their own bodies!
So it would be ok if your partner decided to have group sex at a party then? After all, it's their body.

Little bit different though, as that would be infidelity.

OP posts:
Offred · 23/07/2014 15:59

My point is the reaction you object to is an understandable reaction by someone who feels differently to, but just as strongly as, you. You may not understand or agree with it, and I tend to think the latter is true rather than the former, but it is certainly an understandable reaction and it is also the reaction your dp had - anger (amongst other things).

You are not going to reconcile your differences on this issue. I don't think you can change your behaviour tbh. You can try but you'll always be vulnerable to messing up because you don't agree. Why bother? You are trying to change yourself to fit in with someone else, never a good sign.

Original poster
Bobbybaby · 23/07/2014 16:05

Offred - I agree, it would be much easier living with someone else who shared the same views that I do but unfortunately I fell madly in love with this man. :)

OP posts:
HumblePieMonster · 23/07/2014 16:14

Its illegal and its not what you'd want in the mother of your children, so he's right to be open about not being able to get around it.

What you do is up to you, but he doesn't have to go along with it.

Offred · 23/07/2014 16:23

Love or no love, and I don't mean to minimise how difficult it is to break up when you love someone, you must admit that you are incompatible on this issue and you both have strong feelings. I can't see time making things better. It may seem a small thing to break up over but I think staying together would be a waste of time and effort for everyone involved!