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Original poster

Need impartial perspective

151 replies

Bobbybaby · 22/07/2014 18:21

My DP and I are fairly young, no DCs or anything, been together two years. We are very different people. I am an old raver type, used to party a lot, doing stuff (party substances, please don't judge me!) that I shouldn't.My DP is verrrry straight, moral etc. Never so much as smoked a cigarette. When we got together I kind of put my "wild" days behind me.On Saturday my DPs friend had a party, they are also "hardcore party people" (I hate myself for saying that, stick with me, please). Anyway - I ended up doing something I shouldn't (a line of coke, again please don't judge me) and admitting it to DP late on sunday evening. DP absolutely disgusted - cant look at me etc etc. He hasn't spoken to me since and slept on the sofa last night. I am staying at a friendstonightas he "doesn't see how we can resolve this issue". I think our relationship is over. ive promised I will never do anything like that again, apologised continuously but it doesn't seem to make a difference.Do I deserve this? Would you leave your DP? I stopped doing this sort of thing about 3 years ago and it really was a one off "oh im so drunk lets go wild sort of thing".
I really think that this has broken us and I'm pretty devastated.

OP posts:
Offred · 23/07/2014 17:45

I think if I choose to hang out with religious people knowing their belief system and behaviour then I can expect that behaviour yes even if it doesn't change my view and if I don't think it is fair or justified. I understand why they do it given the context.

troyandabedintheafternoon · 23/07/2014 17:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MostWicked · 23/07/2014 17:46

but snorting one line at a party once every 3 years is not, IMO, that terrible an act and is not deserving of the treatment you are receiving.

For you maybe, but for me it would be utterly devastating and akin to infidelity. If that makes me "judgy" then so be it. It's a criminal offence, I think I have the right to expect a partner not to commit a criminal offence.

Offred · 23/07/2014 17:47

Think fair enough to have a go at personal attacks/assumptions like you are a liar but can expect and understand judging of your pro drugs stance. Do you see what I mean?

slithytove · 23/07/2014 17:56

This would be a deal breaker for me. Drugs are not part of my life in any way shape or form, and that is my choice. If my partner chose to make them part of his life, then it is my right to leave him.

Regardless of whatever anyone else would think of me, judgemental, uptight, controlling etc - I would make that decsion for my own life.

If my partner didn't want to be with someone who hated drugs, then he is free to leave me.

BigfootFiles · 23/07/2014 18:04

"I am entitled to mine whether "legal" or not, again as long as I am not hurting anyone"

But are you really that naive about where the coke you snort comes from, the sort of market you are enabling?

"Cocaine consumption fuels exploitation, violence and environmental damage in Colombia, the world's second most bio-diverse country, he added.
Drug barons were devastating the country's soils and water sources by using harmful or banned pesticides, Mr Calderon said.
Mr Coaker said that although drug consumption was at an 11-year low, cocaine was the only drug that had risen in use since 1998.
He said the campaign was "trying to put across the message that the real price of cocaine is not what somebody pays on the street, and not only what an individual does in the UK when they snort powder cocaine"."

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/7413454.stm

thedancingbear · 23/07/2014 18:23

A very good point bigfoot.

It seems to me that the OP thinks her question is basically the equivalent of:

'I had a cup of tea last night, even though I know my DP hates tea. He says this is beyond the pale and is leaving. Is this reasonable?'

Whereas to her DP it's in the same category as

'I drunk drove home last night, even though I know my DP haves drunk driving. He says this is beyond the pale and is leaving. Is this reasonable?'

I don't share this view - driving drunk home is worse than doing coke imo. But the OP's partner is well within his rights in holding the latter view- it's not a ridiculous position and a lot of people would agree with it. In the above scenario, the OP is not going to assuage her partner by saying 'I think drink driving is fine, but I won't do it again if it bothers you'

Keepithidden · 23/07/2014 20:02

Depends what tea you buy too. Stick with fairtrade if you don't want to exploit people in any given market.

RD are as bad as many legal markets.

BigfootFiles · 23/07/2014 20:19

"RD are as bad as many legal markets." That doesn't make it right.

Al-Qaeda's New Business Model: Cocaine And Human Trafficking

crashbandicoot · 23/07/2014 20:24

i think he has over reacted in this especially as you were out with HIS friends. will he disown his friends also?

DieselSpillages · 23/07/2014 20:45

driving home drunk puts others lives at risk... snorting one line of coke at a party is not at all comparable.

Keepithidden · 23/07/2014 20:55

You're quite correct Bigfoot, I was merely pointing out the collective hypocrisy of our consumerist culture.

The only "right" RDs are ones you make/grow yourself that do not harm others, be that brewing your own beer, growing your own cannabis/coca leaves!

Of course there's always the issue of dependancy, but I don't think that is quite applicable in this scenario. I could be mistaken though, it is not unusual...

rowna · 23/07/2014 20:57

driving home drunk puts others lives at risk... snorting one line of coke at a party is not at all comparable

Wouldn't tolerate either myself. Must be my age.
Sorry I know I've said it before and I am a fool at the best of times:

but how has snorting coke become normalised? In my teenage days people breathed in aerosols. Would you do that?

Keepithidden · 23/07/2014 21:15

Ah, the heady days of glue in crisp bags. Showing my age now!

It's purely a function of price and availability I'm afraid. Just as all other markets have evolved so has drugs, to the extent that an evening out of a few pints, a nice meal and a line or two is de rigeur in some of the more affluent circles.

I can think of far better ways to spend that kind of cash if I had it tho'.

rowna · 23/07/2014 21:33

Yes keepithidden - to me (and I'm no angel) it's akin to sniffing glue out of a crisp bag in the park.

solosolong · 23/07/2014 23:37

Everyone has their own cut-off points, but I think if it's a one-off and you are serious about not doing it again then he is over-reacting. Maybe when he has calmed down you can have a conversation about what you both think is acceptable. One thing though is that all these differences are magnified when it comes to being parents so you will have to make sure you are both on the same page before you even think about that.

PricillaQueenOfTheDessert · 23/07/2014 23:40

Hang on - it's HIS friends that have supplied the coke. So it's ok for his friends but not you? I think you need to tell him to stop being a hypocrite Grin

MostWicked · 24/07/2014 00:09

if it's a one-off and you are serious about not doing it again then he is over-reacting.
No he isn't. His reaction is his decision. Its up to him if he wants to accept this and stay with her. How does he even know if he can trust her not to do it again?

I think you need to tell him to stop being a hypocrite
What? Because he has some friends who do coke he should put up with his gf doing it too and he is a hypocrite if he doesn't? That makes no sense. I have friends who do all sorts of things that I would accept my husband doing.

FuckTheMagicDragon · 24/07/2014 00:52

Jesus you've been given a rough ride here OP! I had to scroll up and double check you hadn't posted on AIBU.

I'm glad you have sorted things out with your DP, and do actually understand how people can make mistakes that, although they seem harmless, can really upset those we love. It's still early days in your relationship, and I'm sure there will be other hiccups along the way. I know there was in mine :)

I generally take the view that of its not done in malice, and is not repeated, it's forgivable.

Gem124 · 23/08/2014 09:40

This is me and my partner in reverse! He was a total party animal, look a lot of things and I find it really difficult to relate 'that person' to my dp who has an amazing job, works constantly renovating our home, is a more wonderful partner than in ever thought possible. When I say this to him he says he's not a different person it was just a different time of life. Maybe your dp saw it like I do as 2 different people and taking drugs is not the version of you he knows. I can see how he feels tbh and would feel incredibly let down but it couldn't leave him over it x

Mandatorymongoose · 23/08/2014 12:37

To set my stall out: I've never really been in to drugs, although lots of my friends used to be and some still are. Other people's choices about doing or not doing drugs are nothing to do with me.
But - I have no interest in being in a relationship with someone who does drugs, I don't particularly enjoy being around people who are high and would worry about the associated risks of drug taking. It's a line for me, that's all.

My DH knows I would not remain in a relationship with someone who used drugs, I've always made that clear. So if he chose to, while I'd respect his right to make his own choices I would also be hurt that he had effectively put his want to do drugs ahead of his want to be with me. I would probably feel quite betrayed by him, as though his previous love for me had been a lie.

You could argue that that's unfair or even melodramatic but it's how I would feel. The line was clear, he chose to cross it knowing that would end our relationship. It doesn't matter if you think it's a stupid line, people in open relationships might think fidelity was a stupid line, some people might think being sworn at in a row is a stupid line etc etc. If you don't agree with a partners boundaries you can discuss them and compromise or split up - just breaking them and then saying but I always thought it was stupid anyway is really disrespectful.

Rant over.

OP I'm glad your DP has calmed down and will talk to you about it. I hope that whatever you've both agreed is something you're comfortable with. I always worry a little in these situations that it's easy to take lots of little boundary violations one at a time and end up somehow agreeing to something you really don't want. 'Ok, it's just a one off we won't split' 'ok, it's only special occasions' 'well I guess since we don't go out often' 'just never in the house ' and so on. I'm not suggesting this is what will happen in your case but to avoid it it's best to be upfront about what you're going to do so your DP can make an informed choice.

Best of luck.

candyce83 · 23/08/2014 19:10

Everyone needs to get a grip, chill out she had ONE line. She's hardly deserving of an intervention...OP he sounds like a controlling prick. Maybe its an issue of two very different personalities clashing? Either way I hope you get the outcome that makes you happiest.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 23/08/2014 20:01

I have never seen or heard of someone having "just one line" at a party or anywhere else. It appears to me that the first thing thought of after they've done that first line is "who has some more" and "where can we get some".

I suspect the OP was off her bloody head, rather than tooted one tiny innocent little line.

Still, she knew what the boyfriend's views about drugs were long before she ever heard of that party, so a teeny, tiny bit of self-control wouldn't be that much to ask for. But no. The prospect of doing coke was far too tempting.

candyce83 · 23/08/2014 20:11

How can you comment bitter when you weren't there? Recreational drug users DO exist. Not everyone who uses them is a rabid addict awaiting their next 'hit.'

And he knew her views on drugs…why get involved with someone who has done something you apparently abhor?

PS I dont do drugs and they generally do annoy me however people are different and I think people need to lay off her a bit. One mistake is hardly worth ending a relationship for.

foxinthebox · 23/08/2014 20:34

Ex part drug user here (10 years ago had my last line). DH has never smoked a fag, never mind taken anything and we have never had any issues. When I met him, my circle of friends and party habits changed naturally.

He sounds judgy and unforgiving. In a lifetime relationship, those traits would be very, very tough. You are well rid.

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