Need impartial perspective

[Bobbybaby]

My DP and I are fairly young, no DCs or anything, been together two years. We are very different people. I am an old raver type, used to party a lot, doing stuff (party substances, please don't judge me!) that I shouldn't.My DP is verrrry straight, moral etc. Never so much as smoked a cigarette. When we got together I kind of put my "wild" days behind me.On Saturday my DPs friend had a party, they are also "hardcore party people" (I hate myself for saying that, stick with me, please). Anyway - I ended up doing something I shouldn't (a line of coke, again please don't judge me) and admitting it to DP late on sunday evening. DP absolutely disgusted - cant look at me etc etc. He hasn't spoken to me since and slept on the sofa last night. I am staying at a friendstonightas he "doesn't see how we can resolve this issue". I think our relationship is over. ive promised I will never do anything like that again, apologised continuously but it doesn't seem to make a difference.Do I deserve this? Would you leave your DP? I stopped doing this sort of thing about 3 years ago and it really was a one off "oh im so drunk lets go wild sort of thing".
I really think that this has broken us and I'm pretty devastated.

Ultimately, it doesn't matter what a bunch of strangers on the Internet think - it's not like you could show your boyfriend this thread to talk him out of his reaction. personally I wouldn't give two hoots if my boyfriend did this, but that's just me. The crux of the matter is what YOU think about what you've done - are you filled with personal regret, and regardless of your boyfriends reaction, determined never to do it again? Or do you think that you would prefer a relationship where you retained the option to indulge your 'wild side ' from time to time?

That's what's bothering me tigermoll. I get the sense that the OP thinks her partner is being a square. But I've seen too many times the fucking awful personality transformation that cocaine causes in people. Bit of draw? not my scene, but not a real problem. Cokehead? I'd be running for the hills.

what gamerchick & gilbertblythe said.

so it was a mistake, he knew you had dabbled in the past, it was a one-off slip up. you were honest about it.

I think the only reason the OP said her DP was 'v.moral, straight' etc was to give background not to vilify him for his stance against drugs. Seems a bit odd he can be friends with people who take them and then cannot forgive you. so if he cannot see how you can resolve it, that means he is ending it, is it? I think you both have to be clear about what you want as not talking to you for days on end and you endlessly apologising isn't going to achieve anything. If it really was his 'bottom line' he'd have ended it there and then, no? Why drag it out and torture you further?

perhaps he's wondering about future 'slip ups' and where that could lead

perhaps he doesn't want a gf who snorts coke- it may be that he can tolerate that in friends but not a partner as they're different relationships. Also maybe he sees the effect of coke taking on friends and doesn't like it

maybe he was taken aback and wants a few days to think about it

I think if OP sees his stance here as unreasonable maybe this in itself doesn't bode well for the relationship.

It wasn't like anyone forced OP to take coke. Bit sad to fall off that particular wagon after 3 years and not surprising he's worried

My husband and I are you and your DP in this situation, with DH being the ex raver. I've never so much as touched an illegal drug. He has utterly put that life behind him, he would no more do a line on a night out than he would kick a dog, it's just not him now. If he did, I would think very differently about him. When we first got together he smoked, I told him I wouldn't judge him for it but neither would I continue the relationship with him if he continued to smoke. He stopped.

I'm probably boring, square, uptight all the rest of it, but I'm happy with that. The fact that his friends do it is pretty irrelevant as well.

I think the most reasonable thing to do on both sides would be to sit down and discuss this when tempers have calmed.

If drugs are a deal breaker for him - can you commit to not doing them again? Realistically? If yes, then I think you deserve a second chance and if he is reasonable, I should think he would want to come around to giving you that.

If not, then the relationship isnt going to work, is it? If you're an occasional line of coke girl and he is anti-drugs....going forward, its not happening.

Deal breaker for me too, sorry.

Have you been thinking about marriage, DC etc? If so he may have made the right decision if you're still inclined to dabble. Many people, quite reasonably, wouldn't want to set out on this course in these circumstances.

I would have done just what your partner did. This coming from a similar situation - DP used to be an addict (different substances than the op). He's completely and utterly put that behind him, and did before we started dating. I've never done a drug in my life and am very against them. I can forgive his past, but if he ever uses again, I'm out the door.

I've absolutely never accused my dp of being square, I've always respected his morality and his decisions. The fact is that I've had one time in three years where I've dabbled and have immediately regretted and admitted to my mistake. Fact is that I've been very honest about it and truly regretted my actions knowing they have hurt my dp. I'm generally a good and kind person who loves my dp very much and am very happy upset that I've upset my dp. I don't think I deserve the personality assassination that I must be a horrible lying terrible person. If my dp decides he can't forgive me then I respect his decision. Hence the reason I've left to give him space. I think there's a lot of MN people who are very quick to make a lot of huge judgements based on a very small segment of a story but more fool me for posting I guess. Thanks to everyone though who has really gone to town trying to personally attack me and make me feel worse than I already do. Jesus loves you

If occasional use of recreational drugs is outside what's acceptable to him that's harsh for you, but fair enough. However, you haven't behaved poorly or dishonestly towards him. Don't beat yourself up over this. Sounds like you have different boundaries to your partner and that he's pretty rigid in his attitudes here. Slightly confused by him accepting his friends' drug use and taking you to the party.

Thanks deluge, I agree and just wish he would talk to me. If he decided he can't forgive it then I'd respect that but it's the silence I can't handle. Right or wrong I come from a "hacienda" family, my parents met there and have a relaxed attitude to drugs so the anti thing is very alien to me. Doesn't make me a bad person though, although after posting this I'm feeling very scared and evil!

..why do you even need his forgiveness...it's up to you if you take drugs or not. In your place I would tell him you won't take drugs again in his presence but to get a grip as far as the one line of coke is concerned. Silent treatment is a huge over reaction IMO

Personally I don't think it's about what's right or wrong, what's OK and what isn't, whether drug use is immoral or acceptable. Its about his view of you and who you are, and how that view has been shaken. He thought you had put your drug use behind you completely, and now he finds that you haven't. So he doesn't feel he knows you any more.

Also, rightly or wrongly there is probably a degree of personal hurt and rejection on his part. You gave up drugs when you got together with him, so he may well view that as something you did for him, because you loved him so much. Now that you've used drugs again, he may feel that your love for him has diminished, or that you're not as bothered about him as you used to be.

I went out with a smoker for a few years as a student, and he gave up within a few weeks of us being together, because I didn't smoke and didn't
like the smell. It may seem irrational, but if he'd started smoking again a couple of years later, I would have seen it as a sign that he didn't really love me enough any more.

I think you need to be totally honest with yourself and with him. If you can say, hand on heart that you will NEVER do drugs again, whatever the situation, then I think you deserve a second chance. But if you think there's a possibility of it happening again, you need to tell him, and then let him go so he can find someone he shares more fundamental views with.

I can see both sides of this: as an ex "partier" myself who has taken plenty of drugs recreationally and survived to tell the tale I can sort of relate to your reaction and would probably be fairly tolerant of this if a partner confessed this to me.

The older I get, though, and the more lives I see wrecked by drugs (and I include alcohol in this which in my view is probably the most dangerous drug of all), the less indulgent I am of the whole party scene. I now can totally understand people who don't want anything to do with drugs and wish I had been a bit less tolerant of them when I was younger.

But I also think your DP's reaction, even for someone who is totally anti drugs, is a bit OTT. He would have been perfectly within his rights to be upset, to question the relationship and to ultimately come to the conclusion that it won't work, but given that you have been so clear it is a one-off and have apologised I think he should be giving you the benefit of the doubt on this as a first offence.

But I'm in a minority, clearly.

I don't know what to think on this but one thing strikes me as odd. I wouldn't want to be with someone who used drugs or saw them as a partying aid, but for that reason I'd probably avoid getting involved with someone with your history. If you've been honest about that from the start, and you've made one mistake which you have also been honest about, then I do think his reaction is a bit surprising. I am not saying he'd be unreasonable if he felt you had very different attitudes and he couldn't risk staying with you, but I think given that he knows all about this he should at least be able to look at you and talk things through. Unless, I guess, you had sworn never to use again and he has been in fear of this kind of thing happening. I'd need to know if this was a one-off or if you hadn't really reached a point of turning your back on that lifestyle, and the trouble is, that kind of thing is hard to know. You might also need to know how he really feels about your past and about how different you are. Even if you get past this, is it going to be a problem?

Christ op, you are getting a hard time.....

Noneedtoworryatall - yep. I consider myself well and truly scolded. The anger is a bit overwhelming especially as I've been extremely contrite

I agree with no need to worry. I also think that drinking is a problem as well as drug use. I couldn't go out with a real drinker for example, and by that I mean every week some alcohol. My partner and I barely drink but we occasionally smoke. That's what I think the compatibility is all about. If he drank all the time I wouldn't be that I,pressed, I don't like drunk people. But having never tried coke I think the same. Does your partner drink op? Is he more tolerant of that drug? I think there are a lot of people who drink quite a lot who judge other substances more harshly. Funny, depends where you go I suppose. Take care tho op. It's not the end of the world x and maybe you wouldn't have been happy with him anyway. Did you like the same sort of music for example, have a good time the same way in the same scene? I think we all conclude eventually tho that too much of any good thing is a danger and a turn off x

I used to do the same as you OP, still did when I got with my gf. However, when she bacame pregnant with our first she said stop so I did. If I did them now it wouldn't be the drugs she would really have the issue with, it would be the break in trust she would find hard. I'm not suprised he's upset, and I think you were stupid to do something you know would upset him so much. But you were honest and upfront about it so maybe it's a bit OTT to break up over one quickly admitted mistake. But then I'm not dead against drugs use so my view is different and all a bit pointless!

I can't believe people are so uptight about what some people decide to do to their own bodies! You had a line of coke at a party ffs! Who cares! One line of coke does not a 'cokehead' make.

Yes drugs can ruin lives, but so can alcohol and much more frequently. Would people get as pissed off about someone having a glass of wine at a party just because some people ruin their lives through drinking? No because there is a whole world of difference between occasional recreational partaking and being in the gutter mainlining speedballs!

I agree with a pp, I would ditch him for being such a judgemental prick. How dare he tell you what you can and can't do with your own body when you're not even with him! It's none of his damn business. It sounds as though you aren't really compatible.

Your partner has obviously set clear boundaries, this is a healthy thing to do. You crossed the line. Yes it is your choice to cross the line but you have to accept his decision and where you go from here.

Would you also apply that logic to gambling, prostitution and if, say, the genders were reversed and OP found out her DH had been doing coke while she was at home with their little DD, Jacey? How dare she tell him what he can and can't do with his own body!

Nobody's saying the OP can't do what she wants with her own body. Calling her partner a 'judgemental prick' for not liking an illegal activity is astonishing.

It's not about being 'uptight' JaceyBee. When you're talking about long-term relationships, it's crucial that the people in the are compatible and share similar values. That's what's gone wrong here. The OP and her boyfriend have found a serious point of incompatibility.

Would people get as pissed off about someone having a glass of wine at a party just because some people ruin their lives through drinking?

Context is everything. If you've ever had a partner who drinks excessively, is unpleasant when drunk and who makes a big show of quitting .... seeing them subsequently having a glass of wine at a party can make you feel like you've been chopped off at the knees.

EveMarieSaint Those are ridiculous straw man argument, so not very logical yourself.

What the OP did was clearly a dealbreaker for her partner, but what she did was analogous to having a drink of alcohol in the company of adults, although obviously a different substance.

Cogito Agree re context, however the OP doesn't give any indication that she was previously an addict or that her partner was impacted by her previous use.