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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need impartial perspective

151 replies

Bobbybaby · 22/07/2014 18:21

My DP and I are fairly young, no DCs or anything, been together two years. We are very different people. I am an old raver type, used to party a lot, doing stuff (party substances, please don't judge me!) that I shouldn't.My DP is verrrry straight, moral etc. Never so much as smoked a cigarette. When we got together I kind of put my "wild" days behind me.On Saturday my DPs friend had a party, they are also "hardcore party people" (I hate myself for saying that, stick with me, please). Anyway - I ended up doing something I shouldn't (a line of coke, again please don't judge me) and admitting it to DP late on sunday evening. DP absolutely disgusted - cant look at me etc etc. He hasn't spoken to me since and slept on the sofa last night. I am staying at a friendstonightas he "doesn't see how we can resolve this issue". I think our relationship is over. ive promised I will never do anything like that again, apologised continuously but it doesn't seem to make a difference.Do I deserve this? Would you leave your DP? I stopped doing this sort of thing about 3 years ago and it really was a one off "oh im so drunk lets go wild sort of thing".
I really think that this has broken us and I'm pretty devastated.

OP posts:
Justrestinginmyaccount · 23/07/2014 10:38

The way I see it OP, is that it is the incompatibility of your views on the issue that are the problem. I don't really think there is a right or a wrong here (although many would disagree)

Your DP is totally anti drugs, and you aren't against the odd bit of dabbling. You are both entitled to your beliefs on the subject, but it does raise some issues about whether you are really right for each other.

EveMarieSaint · 23/07/2014 10:38

but what she did was analogous to having a drink of alcohol in the company of adults

Hahahaha

rb32 · 23/07/2014 10:39

Legality aside Eve, what's the difference?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/07/2014 10:39

The OP said that when they got together she put her wild days behind her. She said that he knows about that part of her life and they have no secrets. The OP admires their DP for being very straight and moral. So the clear implication is that there was some kind of unspoken/spoken 'deal' between them where the OP cleaned up their act partly of their own volition and partly as one of those compromises people make to be in a relationship.

The DP will feel that there has been a breach of trust

EveMarieSaint · 23/07/2014 10:46

Why are we putting legalities aside, rb32? The fact that it is a Class A drug should tell you all you need to know.

MsAnthropic · 23/07/2014 10:48

OP, I don't think there's much you can do or say about this now. While a line of coke wouldn't be a problem for a lot of people, the fact is that it is for your partner and you must've had, at the very least, an inkling it would be upsetting to him when you chose to do it. It's a very big price to pay for something so small, but from his point of view you chose to jeopardise his feelings and your relationship for something that is pretty worthless Sad

rb32 · 23/07/2014 10:56

Eve, we're putting them aside for the time being as we're talking about the substances (coke, alcohol) rather than whether the government of the country you are in considers them to be allowed or not. So, imagine you're in a country where both are legal or illegal, what would the difference be?

Sorry OP off on a bit of a tangent!

wannaBe · 23/07/2014 10:57

There is no comparison to a glass of alcohol and an illegal classA drug. But I rather suspect those seeking tolabel the dp probably have their own histories...

The dp is well within his rights to judge his partner for having no willpower and doing coke. If judging illegal drug use makes one a prick I'd rather be a prick than a druggy any day.

wannaBe · 23/07/2014 11:03

The comparison isn't one line of coke vs one glass of wine though, it's one line vs several bottles. One drink is not behavior altering, one line of coke is.

FrankSaysNo · 23/07/2014 11:03

Well said wannaBe

HopefulHamster · 23/07/2014 11:04

I am a bit boring/straight about drugs - I might know it would be unfair but if my partner suddenly did a line of coke I would see him in a different light.

It might just not be what he wants from a partner. It sucks but there it is.

EveMarieSaint · 23/07/2014 11:06

I am not going to debate what I think are the rights and wrongs of drugs and alcohol with you, rb32. The fact is, cocaine is illegal in the UK and alcohol is not.

rb32 · 23/07/2014 11:08

Ok Eve.... stared another thread if you do tho :)

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2140579-Can-Cocain-be-compared-to-Alcahol

gateauxauxfruits · 23/07/2014 11:08

One line of coke. Which you admitted to. FFS. An offence the police wouldn't be arsed to charge you with.

What next? You admit to doing 32 in a 30 zone? Cue chorus of Ooh I'm sorry but I have seen too many families torn apart by road accidents, this would be a deal breaker for me.

He is a controlling arse, you need to get together with a normal human being and he needs a sanctimonious prig with a mouth like a cat's rear view. there's a lot of them about.

MsAnthropic · 23/07/2014 11:09

There is no comparison to a glass of alcohol and an illegal classA drug.
I don't think they're the same thing, but there are comparisons that can be drawn, as well as differences. They are both drugs and their use/misuse can ruin lives, endanger health and life and have a terrible impact on those around others. Both of them are legally regulated and controlled. Alcohol happens to be socially acceptable and can be used safely and socially, however this exact post could have been written by someone having a drink when their partner was extremely against alcohol.

How you, me or anyone else views drugs is irrelevant to the situation. The only views on cocaine use that are relevant to answering the post are that of the OP and her partner.

FrankSaysNo · 23/07/2014 11:10

My only surprise is that he didnt kick you to the curb that night. I would have done Grin

JaceyBee · 23/07/2014 11:23

My ex used to occasionally partake while I was home with the dcs. Up to him innit. As long as he didn't make it my problem the next day I considered him adult enough to make his own choices re substance consumption.

'One drink is not behaviour altering. One line of coke is'

Well that just simply isn't true.

JaceyBee · 23/07/2014 11:24

gateauxauxfruits - amen to that!

FairPhyllis · 23/07/2014 12:11

You just don't sound compatible tbh. If you really are that baffled by the "anti thing" then it sounds as though at heart you aren't really going to be very understanding or respectful of his feelings on this.

It sounds as though the relationship worked on the basis that your party days were behind you. Now your DP has reason to doubt that you are willing or capable of putting that completely behind you. He has the right to decide that he doesn't want to live with the uncertainty of whether you will take drugs again, even if it's just as an occasional one-off.

rowna · 23/07/2014 12:11

I think you have totally different mindsets. For you drugs is an acceptable thing to do. As long as you don't abuse them, it's fine.

For him taking illegal drugs is totally abhorrent, a line you don't cross.

It's an incompatibiliy between you. I don't think it's about the act of you taking it this particular time. It's more about you not having the same basic views on it as he does. For some people, it's a deal breaker.

Original poster
Bobbybaby · 23/07/2014 13:30

Franksaysno! Oh dear, This is the fourth time you have commented on here to give me a bloody good scolding. How about you go talk to your wife or spend some quality time with your DCs? I think I am very aware of your opinion on this subject now.

Everyone - thanks all for taking the time to comment here - even the angry sausages! Update is DP has calmed down. We met this morning and had a good old chat, clear boundaries set (on both sides) etc etc. I'm so relieved, I started to get really paranoid after the backlash on here that it really would be the end.

The comments about compatibility are interesting, although we are very, very different we agree on almost everything (Not this obvs) and share very similar views on most things, politics, people...NOT MUSIC :)

Also, re 'One drink is not behaviour altering. One line of coke is'

That's ridiculous. I've seen people absolutely smashed after a large wine and people neck a gram of ck and you wouldn't know the difference. Silly thing to say!

OP posts:
GinUtero · 23/07/2014 13:59

TBH being with someone who was so closed-minded about substances just because they were illegal would be a deal breaker for me.

I presume your OH drinks, OP? How many people die every year from alcohol abuse? I consider myself successful and well-balanced, yet I've tried all kinds of substances (I have to say that coke is not my bag though) and the only times anything destructive has happened is when that substance has been alcohol!

I'm actually really shocked how many people on this thread has chastised you OP. Obviously your OH's point it completely valid, but you're clearly not on the same page when it comes to this and you shouldn't feel you have to change to appease someone else.

Original poster
Bobbybaby · 23/07/2014 14:15

GinUtero - I know! I've had a serious telling off haven't I? I think a lot of people get angry about things they don't understand. The government made the substance C illegal and the substance A legal so THATS THE WAY IT IS OK!

I know a lot more lives "destroyed" by A than C.

In my circle of friends and the area where I work (the city) it's fairly acceptable, almost blasé. But my DP is the exception to the rule

Yes he does drink..

OP posts:
nauticant · 23/07/2014 14:17

Does this mean you're done with coke for good?

GinUtero · 23/07/2014 14:22

I think a lot of people get angry about things they don't understand

I couldn't agree with you more OP.