Need impartial perspective

[Bobbybaby]

My DP and I are fairly young, no DCs or anything, been together two years. We are very different people. I am an old raver type, used to party a lot, doing stuff (party substances, please don't judge me!) that I shouldn't.My DP is verrrry straight, moral etc. Never so much as smoked a cigarette. When we got together I kind of put my "wild" days behind me.On Saturday my DPs friend had a party, they are also "hardcore party people" (I hate myself for saying that, stick with me, please). Anyway - I ended up doing something I shouldn't (a line of coke, again please don't judge me) and admitting it to DP late on sunday evening. DP absolutely disgusted - cant look at me etc etc. He hasn't spoken to me since and slept on the sofa last night. I am staying at a friendstonightas he "doesn't see how we can resolve this issue". I think our relationship is over. ive promised I will never do anything like that again, apologised continuously but it doesn't seem to make a difference.Do I deserve this? Would you leave your DP? I stopped doing this sort of thing about 3 years ago and it really was a one off "oh im so drunk lets go wild sort of thing".
I really think that this has broken us and I'm pretty devastated.

Offred, I'm sure most couples are disagree strongly on at least one issue. Then they get past it and get on with their lives.

I don't agree with offred. People has different views on lots of different subjects and it doesn't stop them from loving each other and being able to live with each other.

OP atm you clearly don't see drugs as being an issue. Your DP disagree but I can see how you can find a middle ground on that subject and decide your boundaries and respect each other boundaries.
I do wonder what is your pov in you ever have dcs? Are drugs ok when you have dcs? Is that a good example to give to them?
Lots of people have change their attitude at they time in their life because it made sense to them.
I think that this is an area where both you and your DP need to be agreeing on as it has implications in a lot of areas of parenting. You are saying that your parents were laid back about it. I'm pretty sure your DP won't. Could you live with that?

Coming late to this sorry. The problem with coke is its not supposed to be addictive but the feeling it gives you is. I'm afraid I know ashamedly.
Kicked it now. All I can say to you OP is what others have said - judge how much of deal breaker this is for you and judge how much you think you can trust him. It isn't about you being controlling at all. My partner has forgiven me much, but I have also forgiven him things I thought I never would. For us, only us, no one else, we chose to put those things behind us. Thats not to say that the future lay bright and cloudless before us.

What I would say is - be careful - coke is sly, horrible drug.You take more just to feel right again, you have to take more and more very quickly to get half the feeling you had the first time. Watch and be sure he is telling the truth - like all addictions, it makes you lie and worst of all lie to yourself.

I don't think most couples can get past having irreconcilable differences over moral issues like drugs, monogamy, gambling etc if they both feel really strongly but completely opposite to each other actually. Not on issues which are deal breakers anyway, one partner's view is always going to be subordinated and that's not healthy.

All I can say to you OP is what others have said - judge how much of deal breaker this is for you and judge how much you think you can trust him.

I'd be interested to read how the OP's DP has been untrustworthy in this.

Sorry, sorry I got it the wrong way round. Reading too many threads and school holiday brain. Apologies.

Jeez give the OP a break. She hasn't touched drugs for 3 years and made a stupid mistake on a night out. She is now ashamed and has admitted it to her partner. She could have kept it quiet and he would have been none the wiser. So her partner should finish with her for one stupid mistake? I would understand if it keeps happening but if it is just a one off he needs to cut her some slack but make it very clear that he won't tolerate it again.

Hmmm.

I am "anti-drugs" but if DH did smoke dope (which he used to when he was a teen) or did a line, I'd be very disappointed but if he promised that it was a one-off and never did it again I'd be ok with that and trust him. He used to smoke cigarettes when I met him, but as I don't like that either, he gave up pretty soon after and has never gone back to it - he's now an evangelical born-again non-smoker!
If he continued to do drugs, I'd think again though. Likewise if he injected heroin - that's way worse in my book than snorting a line of coke.

I'm glad your DP has talked to you about it - have you asked him about his hardcore reaction? Does he have someone in his family/friends who had a serious drug problem, has that coloured his views?

I'm also glad that you've decided that you won't do it again because it upsets your DP - but I still think you should try and get to the bottom of why it upsets him so much, if he'll tell you. It will make it much easier to stick to your resolution if you know why, I think.

I can assure the OP that my aversion to cocaine is based on experience, not a lack of understanding. I have seen the way it turns people into arrogant, self-centred, nasty, sometimes violent, arseholes. If you've every been straight around people who are on coke (and I have, on more than enough occasions), you will know exactly what I mean.

It's also the addictiveness that hardly any other drug can match. I've had one friend in particular who went right off the deep end, stealing from mates and shagging her dealer to fund her habit.

Other people have mentioned the legal aspect; I think this is a red herring. the problem is that it is a horrible, horrible drug.

OP, you've asked people not to be judgmental but you've come on here and expressed a penchant for what is basically a repellent and highly destructive habit that will affect others' lives as much as your own. You've also sarcastically and arrogantly dismissed any opinion that disagrees with your own as ignorant and not 'with it'. you're not showing yourself in the most rational light to be honest.

I think they should break up because the op doesn't think it was a mistake and her dp really really objects to it. How I've read it is; She's sorry that he was hurt and wants to be with him and so is trying to put her views aside and behave how he wants but she does not agree that taking drugs recreationally is a mistake or a bad thing herself. That's why I think it's flogging a dead horse. Changing your behaviour to comply with someone else's standards isn't great even if you manage it successfully but if you don't believe in what you're doing you are very likely to not sustain the change and then come off as a 'bad guy' and a flake.

If he continued to do drugs, I'd think again though. Likewise if he injected heroin - that's way worse in my book than snorting a line of coke.

this is a matter of opinion though isn't it. When I was a teenager, the 'soft' drugs included spliff, e and speed. Heroin and Coke were seen as beyond the pale even by my regularly drug-using friends. Clearly the received wisdom has shifted where coke's concerned, but from my own life experiences I would say that it can be as destructive as heroin.

Yes, it is a matter of opinion, which is why I said "in my book".

Also, I have friends who have done the party "one line of coke" and not ended up as coke heads with no septum; but injecting heroin is pretty damn serious as a drug-taking option, again, IMO.

I'm not looking to pick a row with you thumbwitch. I've known people who've dabbled in coke and been fine, of course. But then, I've also known someone who has maintained a full-blown heroin habit whilst holding down a professional job (I'm not recommending this btw)

Don't think it's relevant that it's drugs particularly. This is really about two people who have incompatible and irreconcilable views on something which is quite important to them both and where one of the couple is choosing to defer to the other's view even though they don't agree, because they haven't found another way around it.

I think the op agreeing to never take any drugs is probably as destructive to the relationship as the dp agreeing to not complain if she does it once in a while. Given they both seem to feel strongly.

She's tried changing her behaviour and slipped up and is now being told off for not complying even though she doesn't even agree with what she's expecting of herself.

At least she was honest about slipping up but his reaction in conjunction with her feelings doesn't really show hope. She's giving up her chosen lifestyle to suit his view and he is quite immovable on his standards. Neither view should be taking precedence when both feel so strongly. Sad but sometimes you have to know when to quit I think.

Little bit different though, as that would be infidelity.
It's a breach of trust through lack of self-control.

I'm sure most couples disagree strongly on at least one issue. Then they get past it and get on with their lives.
Only when those issues don't directly affect their lives. I can disagree with my DH on a whole range of things, but there are some fundamental things that are non-negotiable, that there would be no getting past. Coke would definitely be one of them.

She hasn't touched drugs for 3 years and made a stupid mistake on a night out.
So how is he supposed to trust that she won't ever do it again, despite the fact that given the option, she would happily repeat the experience.
If she slipped up and had sex with an ex on a night out, but then promised never to do it again, would you expect him to be so forgiving? I view the breach of trust in the same way, so I completely understand her partner's reaction.

I don't see how they are compatible long term. Love does not fix differences and problems like this. She may love him, but she can't give up a past love, and doesn't really want to or even see why she should. It can't work.

I completely understand where your dp is coming from and I don't blame him for wanting to end it with you. You are either accepting of drugs or not. To me, someone getting to the point of just doing it for old times sake says the type of person that they are. You admit you were a hardcore partier.
The world is a better place without people who use drugs, so I fully agree with your dp. Sorry maybe you should try to find someone who accepts drugs and all that entails.

The dancing bear - "You've also sarcastically and arrogantly dismissed any opinion that disagrees with your own as ignorant and not 'with it'"

I've already stated that yes I've been fairly sarcastic but aimed only at one poster, Franksaysno and if you read back I think you can see why, this poster called me a liar (I've never lied) a druggie (I'm certainly not a druggie any more than I'm an alcoholic because I like a drink now and then) so that became a bit of a personal attack I felt.

However, where have I ever disagreed with anyone elses opinion? Especially based on the fact that its "not with it" - I think that might be what you believe I probably think but that certainly can't be backed up by anything I've written.

I have consistently thanked all for their opinions but have been very shocked by the anger from some people and the quite personal attacks in some places. What I sense here is that you might be really quite offended by my pro-d attitude and are therefore angered by my "defence" of my own beliefs and that has skewered your view somewhat? For instance you have immediately focused in on my "irrational and sarcastic" posts but none of the anti-d sarcastic, personal and aggressive posts?

to me the 'just one line' is akin to an alcoholic having 'just one drink' if you take the view that drugs are addictive/slippery slope which many people do
and that is sadly from plenty of experience around various types of addicts including coke addicts OP, as anyone who has a different viewpoint to you seems to be dismissed as ignorant/unworldly etc
Also coke is linked to early heart attacks sadly too.

Anyway hope you resolve things either way with your dp but also it does come across as immature to say the least when you say you read posts in an Alan Partridge voice, kind of contemptuous of MN posters, despite you choosing to post here

I don't see how they are compatible long term. Love does not fix differences and problems like this. She may love him, but she can't give up a past love, and doesn't really want to or even see why she should. It can't work

Again - not true, I do want to stop (again this was a one off in 3 years) I don't see why my reason for wanting to stop (it upsets DP as opposed to that I think its immoral) should matter? And I do see WHY I should (it upsets my DP not because I think C is immoral) and again I don't see why my reasoning here matters? What matters is I have made a promise and will not break it.

Also I think people are assuming this is something I promised before, it isn't - it was never discussed although I guess in DPs opinion that's like saying "he never asked me not to cheat on him"

Holdyourown Please read my other posts - that was directed at one poster who personally attacked me (see my previous posts)and I retaliated. I certainly am not an MN hater...I love MN!!

For instance you have immediately focused in on my "irrational and sarcastic" posts but none of the anti-d sarcastic, personal and aggressive posts?

I think given that your view supports something which is illegal and illegal because it is considered a public health risk I think you really should be able to tolerate anti drugs judgements tbh. The law is made by consent of the people. Coke being illegal is therefore by implication something society agrees with (obviously not wholly and completely, which would not be possible).

You don't need to agree or change your established view but you should be able to understand why posters on a thread on a website for parents would support an anti-drugs stance over a pro drugs stance surely? Also why some of the posters might feel angry and upset about someone taking a pro drugs stance? It's just something you have to tolerate as a pro drugs person I think. Like as a person who is anti-religion I have to tolerate being berated, prayed for and constantly questioned by people who are invested in religious beliefs. We're all invested in the state and are all stakeholders in the law therefore.

I think he's being Judgy. giving you the cold shoulder instead of discussing it is really annoying because it closes the door to dialogue. It seems he's an all or nothing inflexible kind of guy.

I am sorry for the posters whose lives have been devastated by drugs, but snorting one line at a party once every 3 years is not, IMO, that terrible an act and is not deserving of the treatment you are receiving.

Like as a person who is anti-religion I have to tolerate being berated, prayed for and constantly questioned by people who are invested in religious beliefs. We're all invested in the state and are all stakeholders in the law therefore

But are they aggressive to you and personally attacking you for your beliefs? If so then, no you definitely shouldn't tolerate being berated etc....

Again, everyone is entitled to an opinion and I am entitled to mine whether "legal" or not, again as long as I am not hurting anyone (in this case I hurt DP so stopped)

I absolutely agree that people should be able to express their anti-d opinion, just do not understand why it has to be so aggressive in some cases

I am sorry for the posters whose lives have been devastated by drugs, but snorting one line at a party once every 3 years is not, IMO, that terrible an act and is not deserving of the treatment you are receiving.

Generally agree with this except that if it's a deal breaker for her dp and she knew this I don't see how his reaction is out of order similar to how based on her beliefs her behaviour is not out of order.