DH in occasional contact with OW - how to cope

[holdtight]

Hi MN. I have posted previously about my DH's affair/disclosure and what I have perceived to be marital progress to a better place. Since we decided to try again, I have seen emails to but mainly from ow to dh saying how much she misses him. Most of the time he responds to say he is sorry but he is trying with his marriage. I've also found out they have been to two of the same functions outside of work together and spoke once on the phone. I confronted him with the emails and he told me he still thinks about ow.

I've checked emails again this weekend for first time in a couple of months and there is one from her asking how he is and saying she misses him he has AGAIN replied saying that things are okay and he is getting on. She replies again saying she can meet up anytime and he has not replied (a month ago) as far as I can see.

Everything else is going good and much better than before. Is it unrealistic of me to think ow would just disappear? And that dh would be able to let go 100% after a one year affair?

I desperately want to save the marriage

He doesn't though.

Until you stand up and tell him that you want him to move out and its over them you won't see any change. He has no reason to truly fight for his marriage. He has no fear of you leaving him. If you carry on doing what you have been doing then chances are pretty high that he will go to the OW.

I think you should take this opportunity while he is away to turn the tables.Tell him you have been waiting for him to go yo get your head straight and that you want time to think about what you want to do as he is obviously doing the same.

OP I know these posts must be hard to read as you so desperately want to believe your H is wanting to save your marriage as much as you do, but I honestly don't think he does. I speak from bitter experience.

I was in a similar position to you and I always thought if I just tried that little bit harder then things would improve - you know what they never did (surprise, surprise!)
What I did learn was that you can bend over backwards to please/try and keep a man and they will walk all over you, they sure as hell won't respect you.

Believe me a new man is easier to find than your lost self respect.
I'm 8 years on and I still cringe at my attempts to "save" my relationship - don't be the same please!

If he really wants to be with you he wouldn't have to try would he. Do you want to be dressed up as so much effort?!

It wasn't this hard for him to fall in love with you in the first place was is!?!

How can you possible rationalise the idea of waiting for him to "get over" her?

Your "trying" is really you just thinking of elaborate ways to excuse the fact that your husband is still having an affair. It's understandable as you don't want to be second to this woman but he doesn't want to "try" any harder than he is.

Why do you think he keeps leaving evidence for you to find?

Treat him like he's treating you, emotionally detach and then check out of this relationship.

What a sad contrast between you 'desperately wanting to save your marriage, fighting tooth and nail" and him contacting, phoning his ow, meeting her and telling her he misses her. :(

I think you have saved your marriage, haven't you? But at what cost?

What is the point of confronting him again?

OP has saved something just not a marriage.

I really do appreciate all the comments and advice, and don't mind your straight talking one bit AF. However, there are things I have not detailed here that dh has changed about himself and is doing things to secure our long term future - one example he has offered to move house nearer to my parents which has been very important to me but something he would never consider before. We have already put an offer in on one - at his suggestion. Why would he do that if his heart is not in it? He says he loves me and does not know how he got derailed from our marriage - everything else except this occasional contact BY OW is going great - sorry if that sounds naive.

If I continue on this course then I have to face these facts:
He has been replying on occasion to contact from ow
He has some feelings for and misses ow still
He has lied to me about contact with ow despite my requests and throughout our couples counselling

I agree with posters that say he is being unkind to ow to be stringing her along when he is making solid future plans with me. I just don't know what to do for the best.

Carryon - the evidence is in now way 'there for me to find'. He has no idea I know how to get on his work emails.

He's agreed to buying the house because he's thinking it will keep you quiet and content enough to stop worrying about what he's up to.

I'm sorry but he is just setting you up so he can continue the affair.

2 days before my now ex dh left me for the ow he left me a phone message while I was at work saying he couldn't wait to see me at home later and would have a tea ready waiting for me and he loved me.

Actions speak louder than words.

Honestly? I think he is throwing you a few crumbs your way to keep you quiet/happy.
My sil went through something similar a few years ago.
She humiliated herself, did everything she could, but he still had an affair with her friend, despite swearing there was no one else.
Sils ex did he same...said she could go pt and join his company so she could "keep an eye on him" - made it seem like he was the big guy for suggesting it.
Once the trust has gone, it's the dew knell for any relationship IMHO.
I'm sorry.
X

I think he is commited to you and the relationship.
But he can't resist the ego strokes (and more) on the side.

That must be very painful. What a disappointment he is.

It all comes down to the question of whether you are happy with the way things are. You are not. It's hard to change somebody else's behaviour. In the end they have to change it themselves. By all means hope things will improve when you move to your new house. People have a point when they say the more you accept his behaviour the less he needs to change it. I don't go for the sacred bond of trust once broken. People do move on from affairs but that is down to the individual couple. And not everyone can.

OMG OP, why do you even want to be in a room with a man who clearly has feelings for someone else, he is wanting to save the marriage- possibly, but how can he if he feels like that???

When he says he doesn't know why he had the affair, effectively that means he wanted to and probably will again in the future, he does not love you OP, that is clear, the trust has been broke into pieces, you cannot fix that again, it's done and gone.

If I was in your shoes my self esteem would be on the floor, you need to love yourself more than what this man is offering you, which effectively is him staying with you out of guilt by the looks of it.

I am sorry, love, but moving house would not make one jot of difference to saving your marriage as he will still be able to contact OW in the way he already is doing. I appreciate it would mean more support for you though...and that is worth its weight in gold so do push ahead with that. I wonder if he is lining you up to be in a better position for him to take off ? That is what I would be thinking right now

He has been lying in counselling ? Then he has made a mockery of the whole process. The counselling has been a complete waste of time if he has omitted this one rather vital piece of the puzzle.

All this is speculation though, including your own take on the situation OP. You are guessing what is in his mind, despite concrete evidence which belies it. You have to get this out in the open, and they way you got the info is irrelevant at this stage. In fact, if he takes issue with you looking at his work emails, that should tell you all you need to know

I just wonder how much more you are going to allow him to trample all over your boundaries. They are in email, phone and face to face contact. Ther eis no reason for that that does not hurt and undermine your marriage.

So hubby has no idea that you have seen these emails to his work address?

Jesus this gets worse and worse.

You are having to see these emails, see his replies [which is all honesty aren't very positive in your favour - I mean he isn't telling her to piss off as his wife and family are the only thing that matters to him] and you cannot say anything??

I don't see much of a way back from this, secret email snooping - as valid as it may be with your hubby - is a sure fire way end up deranged.

I am glad you replied to me, btw, OP. I had considered pm'ing you to ask if you wanted me to fuck off your thread. I am giving it to you straight how I would want someone to give it to me, but it doesn't work for everybody xx

The only thing we can truly call our own is our sense of self respect. It is a precious commodity... easily lost, easily stolen and very difficult to regain once gone.

I am sure he does genuinely want to save your marriage. But that doesn't mean he has the strength of character to actually do it.

So in some ways he has changed but for you to truly move forward he needs to not simply change his behaviour but also to understand what caused him to cheat in the first place in order to ensure it could never happen again.

If he can't bring himself to go no contact with the OW and continues lying to you about it, what does that say about how far he is along the road to understanding what motivated his past, deceitful behaviour and changing it?

Someone can appear to want something with all their heart but it doesn't mean that they will actually do whatever it takes to get it.

Am afraid he is moving you nearer your parents so that, when he leaves, you have the support you are going to need.

Agree 100% with AnyFucker. I rarely read the Relationships boards now as seeing women accept so little worries me enormously and I don't even have a daughter. No man will respect you for putting up with this. No PERSON will, never mind man.

All you are doing is hiding it under the carpet, the elephant in the room is still there, have you even discussed why he had the affair, saying I don't know is not an explanation, in fact, it's a piss take.

Could he be moving you near your parents so they're on hand for you when this marriage does eventually die a death? Would I move? In a heartbeat, and just so my parents were on hand when I needed them.

And it is true that he's unaware you can access his emails because what he is saying to her is unguarded. Its what he is feeling and thinking.

I'd like to think that very soon you'll be lining your ducks up in a row, especially with the house move on the cards.

I had an affair for 2 yrs and my husband knew about it.When DH said no contact with OM or we would divorce i went "cold turkey" .I wrote a letter explaining how i was working on my marriage, hand delivered it then deleted the mans number from my phone.
Luckily for me he lived 40 mins away and i never saw him again.When i saw a missed call i blanked it.I missed him dreadfully for 3 months then i gradually felt normal again.I had the kids happiness and security to make me focus on something else other than what i wanted.
Perhaps you need to tell your husband he is prolonging the pain for you ,the other woman and himself .A clean break is needed.Good luck :)

Oooooo. He is agreeing to move closer to your parents so that he can leave knowing that they are there to pick up the pieces. Im sorry but that is what I think. Have seen it before. He then will feel less guilty because you will not be alone.

OP this doesn't have to be the end of your marriage but at the present time he is invested still in the OW. As I said before, he believes himself in love with her and he loves you but maybe not in love with you. She makes him feel all the things that you possibly didn't. (just guessing here). Maybe you have children and they of course took up your time. She makes him feel young and sexy etc etc. He has not got her out of his system and it has not yet run its course. You need to kick him out to make him stand up and notice you again as a woman to be reckoned with not just someone waiting in the wings.

I see how it sounds but this is not the case. Dh will have invested a lot financially and there are dcs and a school change involved that even my arse of a dh would not put them through just to set me up so he can sail off in to the sunset with ow. This would be at complete odds with everything he has said to me about our future, and during tender moments together.

I am not holding dc to ransom and am not a complete push over. Being with me is not jail. Last time I confronted him, I told him he could move out/be with ow and he did not go for this option and begged to stay. She is also making it clear she is available to him. I am clinging on to the fact that they have not been in contact for a month and this is the longest they have ever gone, looking at his emails.

I know it sounds pathetic, and I intend to get it out in the open when he returns and ask why he is still replying, if I don't like the answer I intend to take action.