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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH in occasional contact with OW - how to cope

471 replies

holdtight · 20/07/2014 20:29

Hi MN. I have posted previously about my DH's affair/disclosure and what I have perceived to be marital progress to a better place. Since we decided to try again, I have seen emails to but mainly from ow to dh saying how much she misses him. Most of the time he responds to say he is sorry but he is trying with his marriage. I've also found out they have been to two of the same functions outside of work together and spoke once on the phone. I confronted him with the emails and he told me he still thinks about ow.

I've checked emails again this weekend for first time in a couple of months and there is one from her asking how he is and saying she misses him he has AGAIN replied saying that things are okay and he is getting on. She replies again saying she can meet up anytime and he has not replied (a month ago) as far as I can see.

Everything else is going good and much better than before. Is it unrealistic of me to think ow would just disappear? And that dh would be able to let go 100% after a one year affair?

OP posts:
Vivacia · 21/07/2014 21:13

OP why doesn't he just block her emails?

Original poster
holdtight · 21/07/2014 21:15

They are coming to his work address and so he can't block because of work filters. He is away with his parents for 2 days which is why the anxiety is getting to me but at least I have a bit of headspace.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/07/2014 21:19

I am just coming back to apologise to GrannyOnTheSchoolRun for getting hold of the wrong end of the stick and trying to make a relay with it.

Sorry also to OP for the potential derail xx

Longines · 21/07/2014 21:22

Holdtight - how to cope with your husband being in contact with OW? (And it doesn't matter if she is the one instigating it...) Get them to respect you, don't let them walk all over you. Draw up a clear boundary: it's either you or her.

This situation should be black and white, there is no grey area (emotional affair like your husband seems to indulge in right now) if he's in your team that means blocking her out of his (and your!) life. Either he is with you or against you. Simple.

To the poster who said about the husband trying to be polite to OW and letting her down gently... Tough luck! He doesn't have that privilege of politeness and etiquette anymore if he is interested to keep you.

Your husband still cares for OW or for her attention - that's why he isn't blocking her mail and having a final word with her. He chose because he knows he can get away with an open marriage, it's lovely and convenient for him. I am shocked for you.

To the poster who fought for their marriage - perhaps this is different after 27 years together, but my answer to OP on how to cope with this type of disrespect would be a kick in the boot and a suitcase thrown after "D"H.

I would get my papers ready and see a solicitor before it is too late to file for divorce on grounds of infidelity.

Vivacia · 21/07/2014 21:24

An email system without a block feature?

Anyway, if he didn't keep replying I bet she'd give up sending them in the first place. If I needed to do that to keep my DP, I would.

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun · 21/07/2014 21:26

Thank you AF [smile}

And my apologies to you for my less than nice replies. Blush

AnyFucker · 21/07/2014 21:29

The thread title tells the story, really

"How to cope" with your husband still in contact with the OW. It's clear you don't feel you have a choice in the matter. Your first thought is how to live with it.

When that is categorically the wrong thing to do. You might as well give him his green light to rekindle his tawdry little romance.

Although, what I have seen in this precise situation is for the adulterer to keep both ow and the wife on side for a bit and then, because they have debased themselves so much he loses any respect he still had for them, fuck off with a 3rd party

I mean, why not... he's had no consequences for the last time he fancied a bit of diversionary cock ego stroking has he ? Fresh meat might be just what he needs to take him to that higher level again, now he's had his fill of you two acting like lobotomised Stepford Wives.

AnyFucker · 21/07/2014 21:31

No worries, Granny. Although my latest reply may not make me any new friends. Smile

AnyFucker · 21/07/2014 21:33

erk, that last thingy should have been a Sad

mrstiggy · 21/07/2014 21:47

Gosh OP, you sound in a tough place right now. I imagine when you have been fighting so hard for something it can be hard to see if the prize you will win in the end is worth having at all. And I worry for you that your 'prize' in all of this is in fact rotten to the core. Sad
If he was the man you expected him to be, the man you would want to fight for, he would have replied to the OW's first 'post affair' email with 'Don't ever contact me again, my DW deserves better than this and I will fight with everything I have to save my marriage.'
He didn't do that. Now you need to ask him why.
Then you need to decide with yourself if his answers are something you can a) believe and b) live with.
If the answer is 'no' start to emotionally detach and make plans.
No dress rehearsals in life my friend. Don't waste time treading water.

Egghead68 · 21/07/2014 22:19

You dump him.

BloodontheTracks · 21/07/2014 22:19

I still think the most important element here is a misunderstanding of what is kind to BOTH parties. I find it really weird that responding to OW's emails could be considered kind to her. It really really isn't. There was a recent thread on here from an OW who couldn't stop contacting her OM and it was destroying her life. If he had NCd she would have been forced to move on and have a proper understanding of his feelings towards his wife and to her. Please, this man need to grow up and put his view of himself and his ego stroking, sentimental romanticism beneath doing what's best for the woman (or women) he supposedly cares about.

Doitforme · 22/07/2014 00:44

Is he staying with his parents ?

WildBillfemale · 22/07/2014 06:57

I still think the most important element here is a misunderstanding of what is kind to BOTH parties. I find it really weird that responding to OW's emails could be considered kind to her. It really really isn't

This x10,
OP he isn't respecting you or your marriage keeping in touch with this woman. He hasn't accepted the damage that needs repairing and what needs to be done to repair it.

He isn't freeing the OW to get on with her life. If it's over he only needs to tell her this once and end all contact - he may not be able to block e-mails at work but he can choose to not reply.

He's not kind, he's selfish. I'm afraid the whole scenario doesn't bode well for your future, 9 months ago you found out about the affair yet he is still in contact with her... 'I miss us' sends out the completely wrong message if he is 'trying to fix' his marriage.
Stop being a doormat and fight for what you want.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 22/07/2014 08:05

I don't think he is trying to do the right thing at all.

I am sympathetic to the idea that he misses her, of course, he was with her for one year? - the split is going to be a wrench - he is going to think about her, unfortunately, on that score, you can't do anything.

BUT he doesn't have to be in contact with her. This is a deliberate choice he makes each time, and I presume, it is against everything you agreed when you forgave him the first time. (And the phone calls and the secret functions too - WTF?)

It is incredible that he does so, and it does say how much he really thinks about you because he is just ignoring your wishes, your feelings, and once again, doing what he wants to the detriment of your marriage. I don't think you'll ever feel at peace while you are with someone who treats you so cavalierly.

MissScatterbrain · 22/07/2014 08:12

Instead of prioritising you and the marriage, he is putting and OW's needs first. You are his wife, someone he has made a commitment to.

Sorry but the marriage has no chance of a full recovery - not until he starts putting YOU first. He is the one who has to be doing ALL the hard work in helping you and the marriage recover.

Don't be such a doormat and grow some balls if you want to save your marriage.

lottieandmia · 22/07/2014 09:06

OP - I agree with AF. Her words may sound harsh but she's absolutely right. I think you should tell him where to go. He's not trying at all.

Why should you be clinging on by your fingernails? You deserve better than this crap.

MissScatterbrain · 22/07/2014 09:31

*putting his and OW's

Original poster
holdtight · 22/07/2014 11:44

Yes Doitforme, he is with his parents visiting a family friend.

MissScatterbrain, I desperately want to save the marriage and WildBill, I am fighting tooth and nail. I will do what I can to get the strength I need to confront him again and stand my ground this time.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 22/07/2014 11:48

OP, don't ever post again saying, how do I cope with his contact with the OW - you don't, you tell him all contact stops as from now, regardless of what he thinks - stop allowing him to continue to walk all over you, they are both taking the absolute piss - you night want to save it, but really, does he?

Vivacia · 22/07/2014 12:24

I desperately want to save the marriage and WildBill, I am fighting tooth and nail. I will do what I can to get the strength I need

Oh Holdtight. It doesn't matter how hard you try and for how long you try if he's not willing to commit likewise it won't be enough.

Baddderz · 22/07/2014 12:28

:( he doesn't care op.
Time to call it quits and hold on to some dignity.

Doitforme · 22/07/2014 12:29

How do you know what he is doing though. She could be staying nearby.

AnyFucker · 22/07/2014 12:35

you are fighting but he is not

it will fail on that premise

at the moment your "fight" appears to consist of STFU and gritting your teeth while you hope he gets OW out of his system or she finally does the right thing and lets him go

you need the control back, and present behaviour is not going to get it. Acting like this will always have you the underdog, subject to the whims of people who don't have your best interests at heart

SanityClause · 22/07/2014 12:35

If he has no intention of going back to the OW, doesn't it seem a bit nasty of him to be stringing her along like this? I realise you will find it difficult to have much sympathy for her, but it does seem a fairly nasty thing to do.

And if he has it in him to string her along, well, it does occur that he might be stringing you along, too.

You can't fight for this marriage - he has to do that. Your desperation to save the marriage just means he doesn't really have to try very hard.

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