DH in occasional contact with OW - how to cope

[holdtight]

Hi MN. I have posted previously about my DH's affair/disclosure and what I have perceived to be marital progress to a better place. Since we decided to try again, I have seen emails to but mainly from ow to dh saying how much she misses him. Most of the time he responds to say he is sorry but he is trying with his marriage. I've also found out they have been to two of the same functions outside of work together and spoke once on the phone. I confronted him with the emails and he told me he still thinks about ow.

I've checked emails again this weekend for first time in a couple of months and there is one from her asking how he is and saying she misses him he has AGAIN replied saying that things are okay and he is getting on. She replies again saying she can meet up anytime and he has not replied (a month ago) as far as I can see.

Everything else is going good and much better than before. Is it unrealistic of me to think ow would just disappear? And that dh would be able to let go 100% after a one year affair?

Oh Op it's a horrible feeling isn't it.

Seeing that post may indicate he is wondering why she has not contacted him.

Either way he is totally disrespecting you by enquiring about her. I would fear he hides things better now you have found out.

Can you ask him to leave and take some time to think? You sound so nice and deserve better than this.

It could mean all sorts of things, but the bare facts suggest that he is still thinking of her and spending time thinking about her. I wonder if you can work out what you were doing and thinking about on that day?

I'm not surprised you're tired. You're working and working and working on your marriage, but he isn't.

Ask him to leave for three months. Watch what he does and judge him by his actions.

I also don't believe there's much point in speculating about his motives or his intentions anymore because you will quite literally drive yourself mad. You need to start questioning your motives. Why are you still checking up on him? Because you know he lies to you. Why are you still setting him ultimatums? Because you know he broke the last ones. Why are you staying in this relationship? By staying you are saying 'I am happy to accept this treatment, this is the relationship I have chosen to be in' you can't argue with that, because it's the truth. The old relationship you had does not exist anymore, so you cannot go back or hide behind what it once was.

As Teebs says there is little point in wondering about these details.

Don't get to the point where you actually feel grateful for him telling the supposed 'truth'

You must be mentally exhausted with all of this.

Unless you want to live searching with that sick feeling in your stomach....do something about it.

He sounds like a Martyr staying with you because it's the right thing to do whilst Longing to be with ow. It's awful for you and your self esteem.

You take back your power and you control what happens next.

It has nothing to do with his feelings for OW. It has everything to do with his lack of respect for the OP.

I'm sorry this keeps going on OP.

Hold - yes that fb chat tells you he is at the very least curious about her and frankly chatting about OW to the mutual friend at this stage in your recovery of the marriage is disrespectful.
Unfortunately, you can't control his thoughts and feelings anymore more than you can turn back time and erase all this misery.
What you can control, however, is what you choose to do about this - if you're checking his fb chats and doing stomach filps having found something then I suggest you are at a big disadvantage and this is not at all where you should be at, he should be giving you no cause for concern at this stage.

Do you feel some time apart would benefit you? Counselling for just you to go over all of this? You appear to have been doing all you can to work on the marriage but this latest finding does undermine things and I wonder if you have been too understanding. When does the checking stop, the uncertainty?
That's the part that eats away at you.

At the very least I hope you've spoken to your husband about this latest discovery, holdtight?

You need to decide what you want to do next, not just keep reacting to your husband's continuing lack of respect for you.

Less than a week ago you thought you were back on track and getting something meaningful.

In the mean time your H is still thinking about OW and trying to find out how she is and what she is up to.

He may have these thoughts he wouldn't be human if he didn't. He decided to turn it into an action without thought or care that you may find out and hurt again.

Either he's really stupid, or he knew you would find the messages? I'm guessing the latter, so why?

He has chosen to put your marriage first

I disagree. He has decided to be in the marriage, physically. But by his recent actions, he is not putting his marriage, nor his wife, first at all.

He is putting himself first. There is no good reason for him to be asking after the OW, none at all, not if he is genuine about putting his marriage first.

((((Holdtight)))))

Please please realise that you must start to think about a new life outside of your marriage even for a few months because the path you have chosen to walk till now is not getting you anywhere.

Im so upset for you.

I think Fluffy Jumper has a point there, as your dh is obviously aware that you know this "mutual friend" is in contact with OW and that you check his messages on Facebook, mobile etc then it's a possibility that the message has been "planted" to make you believe he has not been in contact with OW. Did the mutual friend reply? and what was the timeframe between the message and the party you weren't invited to?

Either that or he is testing the boundaries, making sure OPs self esteem stays low so she stays in her place. If he wanted to throw her off scent I don't think he would have asked about OW. He's making sure OP knows she's still at risk of him fucking off. He's an idiot or a complete and utter cock.

holdtight

Seriously, how much longer are you going to put yourself through this?

It would destroy me. I really feel for you and hope you are OK.

It's this endless speculation and suspicion that I would find exhausting.

Holdtight I've come back to this because you are on my mind.

Would you pls believe me when I tell you that you're not going to find the evidence you need to prove to yourself the OW is in the past because she's not. You know it but you just can't accept it. You're head and heart must feel like they are in a spin dryer.

Please stop doing this to yourself.

Of course separating will be hard and yes it is like swapping one pain for another. But I promise you someyhing will happens every day to ease your pain and put even a tiny spring in your step. Then the next day you will build on the previous day and slowly but surely you will feel better.

Xxxx

Sorry.

If your husband won't get her out of his life - then get her out of yours.

I have read the whole thread and he has messed the ow about quite a bit so I am guessing she is now ignoring him? which is why he has to go to their mutual friend for information.

You could be right Rebecca...but he cares more about finding out about OW than possibility of upsetting wife when she checks his FB account.

How are things? I hope more peaceful one way or another.