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Original poster

DH in occasional contact with OW - how to cope

471 replies

holdtight · 20/07/2014 20:29

Hi MN. I have posted previously about my DH's affair/disclosure and what I have perceived to be marital progress to a better place. Since we decided to try again, I have seen emails to but mainly from ow to dh saying how much she misses him. Most of the time he responds to say he is sorry but he is trying with his marriage. I've also found out they have been to two of the same functions outside of work together and spoke once on the phone. I confronted him with the emails and he told me he still thinks about ow.

I've checked emails again this weekend for first time in a couple of months and there is one from her asking how he is and saying she misses him he has AGAIN replied saying that things are okay and he is getting on. She replies again saying she can meet up anytime and he has not replied (a month ago) as far as I can see.

Everything else is going good and much better than before. Is it unrealistic of me to think ow would just disappear? And that dh would be able to let go 100% after a one year affair?

OP posts:
Original poster
holdtight · 22/07/2014 18:03

Doit - I do believe it has run it's course from his change in tone with her and lack of instigation.

OP posts:
Original poster
holdtight · 22/07/2014 18:04

*holding dh to ransom

OP posts:
MissScatterbrain · 22/07/2014 18:07

Get Glass's Not Just Friends and make sure he reads it too. It writes a lot about boundaries and how vital it is that these are established, something he has not addressed. The ongoing contact is fuelling his feelings for her as well as providing temptation for him to resume the physical side of the affair.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 22/07/2014 18:08

Would it help if you asked him in counselling? Ask him the nature of contact since the split...

I don't think he wants to be with her. But he still wanted her fawning over him, that's for sure.

Doitforme · 22/07/2014 18:08

It has run its course when he doesn't miss her and want to be with her.
When he is totally in love with you and you alone.

MissScatterbrain · 22/07/2014 18:09

Also he is lying in counselling - how can you trust what is coming out of his mouth during "tender" moments?

Remember its ACTIONS not words you need to be looking at. Pretty words mean nothing when his actions are telling you a different story.

StrongerSingle · 22/07/2014 18:12

Hi OP, firstly sorry for jumping in so late in this thread. I've read some but not all of your responses.

A few years ago I was where you are now, and I received lots of advice, just as you you have.

I lasted 18 months after finding out about the affair. Exh kept telling me he wasn't in touch with ow but I kept finding evidence. Then I found one more message ... and a switch turned off inside me. I no longer cared. I contacted a solicitor and told Exh it was over.

The truth is, if there is no trust, surely there is no relationship!

As a few have said, you need to find the strength to lay down your rules and if he steps over the line, you must act. He needs to know you are in control of this situation ... NOT HIM!!!

Take care x

Original poster
holdtight · 22/07/2014 18:14

Sorry to hear this Stronger. What were the nature of the messages in your case if you don't mind me asking? The one's i've seen seem platonic rather than sexual/affectionate. How did he react once you told him it was over? Did he put up a bigger fight?

OP posts:
StrongerSingle · 22/07/2014 18:18

Hi holdtight :)
They weren't still seeing each other. I knew that because she was in another country. But their messages were full of wanting to be together. Pretty sickening to read at the time.
He actually seemed surprised when I said it was over, and then just seemed resigned to us splitting. He is very laid back though. Sometimes I want to kick him (still) to get a reaction out of him!!!

CarryOnDancing · 22/07/2014 18:26

It reads very much like you blame the ow for all this contact but surely you can see that if he new replied or replied and said he's very happy with you, then she would cease contact. She's still contacting your DH because he's made sure the door is still open.

Why are you happy to be with someone who has feelings for someone else?

You are convinced about the house move because he's spoken about it during tender moments. During the year of the affair, did he not tell you things during tender moments?
Surely you know that he can lie to you? Obviously you don't want to live suspecting his every word but when you know he's breaking your trust by still emailing, calling and meeting, how can you possibly believe a word he says.
He may well love you and want to stay with you but he's openly told you he still thinks of the ow. What a punch in the gut! He's broken the boundaries you've set which means he's actively taking the chance of losing you-but staying in contact is more important to him.

Please see this situation as it is. The advise here is to save you from more hurt!

JohnFarleysRuskin · 22/07/2014 18:28

But hold tight, was this the agreement he had with you- that he would have a platonic relationship with his ex girlfriend? In all those chats and counselling and the rows, did he tell you that was what he was doing?

Flowerpalava · 22/07/2014 18:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 22/07/2014 19:03

He will continue to be in contact as long as you keep changing the boundaries of what is acceptable. He's broken any agreement you did have, and yet you're still with him. So he has no reason to stop.

What he should have done is say that his priority is his marriage and he wants no further contact. He didn't.

Regarding the house, he can tell you what he likes really, he didn't tell you he was still in contact with the OW so I'm not sure how you can believe a word he says.

Why do you want to be with a man who has feelings for someone else?

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 22/07/2014 19:06

Oh and it shouldn't be you desperately trying to save this marriage, he should be the one doing everything possible to save it, and not sure being in contact with the OW is part of that.

WildBillfemale · 22/07/2014 19:06

Sorry OP but the more you comment about the situation the more it is like watching a slow motion car crash. The bottom line of this whole situation is that he should have stopped communicating with the other woman months ago. Plans to move etc mean diddly squat, tender moments etc don't count for anything, his actions speak louder than his words.
I wouldn't move or do anything that involves more financial entanglement at this stage.

Clutterbugsmum · 22/07/2014 19:07

one example he has offered to move house nearer to my parents which has been very important to me but something he would never consider before. We have already put an offer in on one - at his suggestion. Why would he do that if his heart is not in it? The first thought to me was he moving you closer to your support network for when he leaves.

Goodadvice1980 · 22/07/2014 20:57

OP, I think you are being incredibly naive and I really feel for you; this situation must be so difficult and painful.

My first thought on reading that it appears he hasn't answered her emails was that he wouldn't respond back because that would leave a "paper trail" of their contact.

My gut feeling is that he has another sim and/or 'phone somewhere and he is using that to contact her Sad

He is keeping her on the back burner and it is a nice ego boost for him.

Itsfab · 22/07/2014 21:09

Please be careful uprooting your life for someone who isn't 100% committed. You say he wouldn't do all this and fuck off to the OW but I suggest you wouldn't have thought he would have an affair either.

If he can't block her Hmm then he could get a new email address if he was really serious.

Men who do not want contact with someone make it happen.

Only1scoop · 22/07/2014 21:12

I went through counselling with an ex who lied. When I realised he had been lying during the sessions ....I lost respect for him. How dare he waste my time in that way. No point in counselling unless you are truthful
....little point.

Maybe the move to be nearer your parents will be a help if things don't work out. You mat realise at some point you can't live a lie. After being with a deceiver I always found once discovered he hid his communications further and further under stones. I drove myself sick....constantly searching and worrying. Until one day I rid myself of that feeling. Mistrust was one thing....losing respect made it easy.

Fairylea · 22/07/2014 21:25

Even IF he isn't going to swan off into the sunset with the ow he is keeping you both dancing about like a pair of ego boosters. I feel really sad that you seem to be prepared to settle for that. Surely a marriage should be two people putting themselves and their children above everything else? Why are you so prepared to accept so little? I think that's the question you really need to start asking yourself.

BloodontheTracks · 22/07/2014 21:55

OP, it's not about whether or not he is actually going to leave.

Sigh. It's so sad that you are now taking up all this time thinking about whether his tone implies that he still loves her, that he still thinks about her, whether that means his efforts with you are compromised or deceitful. It's like all you are worried about it whether or not he is going to leave you.

Why aren't you worried about what sort of life YOU want? Why don't you stop tending your own prison by checking these emails and start thinking about whether this is something YOU want to live with? Whatever it is. ALL your focus is still on him. Do you see? It doesn't MATTER if his emails aren't sexual or romantic (but they are romantic) Why is all the focus from both women on what this man wants and what he's saying and doing? Why isn't the focus on YOU.

Original poster
holdtight · 23/07/2014 17:13

Thanks everyone still for bearing with me. I have spoken to dh now and told him that I have seen yet more messages to ow. He has admitted they exist and said he has tried to distance himself and is still 'grieving' their relationship but it is nothing that he wants and pales in comparison to what he stands to lose here. He swears that it is me he wants to be with, that he loves me and will do anything to stay including cutting contact once and for all. I have insisted he send a message that would leave her in no uncertain terms in regard to his stance. This is it now. He knows that and I have never seen him so panicked.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 23/07/2014 17:38

For god sake, what a prize you have won OP, a man who has to be told once again after shitting on you to basically stop doing it, yeah he will cut contact, until you are off his back then no doubt start it up again.

Do not make any future plans with him until he can actually prove to you that he is committed, he sounds as committed to the relationship as a five year old would be.......kick him out, work on your self esteem and stop accepting an arse that is pretending to be on the same page as you, he certainly is not.

If he told me he was grieving, I'd be telling him to take his tears somewhere else, your self esteem must be gone by now....

Jan45 · 23/07/2014 17:40

How do you know they are not in contact by mobile, I doubt it's just emails.

MissScatterbrain · 23/07/2014 17:51

Get him to call OW using the speaker phone in front of you , without warning - that way you will hear what is being said.