DH in occasional contact with OW - how to cope

[holdtight]

Hi MN. I have posted previously about my DH's affair/disclosure and what I have perceived to be marital progress to a better place. Since we decided to try again, I have seen emails to but mainly from ow to dh saying how much she misses him. Most of the time he responds to say he is sorry but he is trying with his marriage. I've also found out they have been to two of the same functions outside of work together and spoke once on the phone. I confronted him with the emails and he told me he still thinks about ow.

I've checked emails again this weekend for first time in a couple of months and there is one from her asking how he is and saying she misses him he has AGAIN replied saying that things are okay and he is getting on. She replies again saying she can meet up anytime and he has not replied (a month ago) as far as I can see.

Everything else is going good and much better than before. Is it unrealistic of me to think ow would just disappear? And that dh would be able to let go 100% after a one year affair?

Hansel have you missed the posts where HT says her bottom line is contact with the other woman- and then she finds out contact has been made and nothing is done about it by HT?

HaG, I think if you have read OP's threads thoroughly you would see, by her own admission, that her "bottom lines" have shifted somewhat in response to her husband's continued disrespect of their marriage

She has been the first to state that

So, how about we all post our own take on the situation for as long as OP wants us to, and we trust her to do what she sees fit

Anything else is patronising and infantilising to her

Oh love - I wish you all the best, but fear this is hysterical bonding - a very very compelling urge 'to make it all right, have lots of sex and make lots of promises' whilst being on your best behaviour. It's really not 'real'.

Anyway, as I said, I wish you all the best, but don't be afraid to come back if it all goes arse up.

I agree AnyFucker that the OP knows when she posts that she people will tell it like it is as only outsiders can....but my worry is that she is so betwixt and between in her head that it's serving no purpose for the choice she has made.

The recent thing about the night out shows just how vulnerable you still are OP, and that will carry on, different social situation, same creeping doubts, you need acres of strength and resolve to get through this, I can see everyone here is supporting you, just it's going to hurt to have the doubts personified by people who've been there (myself included)...hence my wondering if it is only going to make it more painful for you.

Latte , I get that. My own IL's made a thing of their birthdays. Among their own friendship and age group But I think we are talking about a workplace based, mixed age group, infidelity-approving kind of group here aren't we...which is an entirely different thing.

HaG we are both on the same page re. wanting to help OP. That is the main thing, I think.

HaG - my worry is that she is so betwixt and between in her head that it's serving no purpose for the choice she has made how about you let the OP be the adult she is and make that decision for herself? and if that's how you genuinely feel - why do you keep posting?

Hansel it makes no difference to me whether the OP stays or leaves. I post here the same way as I advise my RL friends. If you are still checking email/stalking FB then you haven't moved on. If his attempt at working at the marriage is concerts, nice house and a bit of sex then that doesn't really demonstrate commitment. My own personal view from what has been posted here is that there is a high probability he is still in contact with OW The OP should make her own decisions about what, if anything, she does about it.

I see the bottom line shifted but then was put back in place, all she can do really is stick to it now.

OP knows he has trashed the bottom line again with the deleted phone call he refuses to give a coherent explanation for.

This is the 3rd "reset" I have counted so far.

Bolstering the OP to "stick with it" is, IMO, damaging advice.

latte I'm posting my opinion, that's all, same as everyone else. OP can make her own decisions and take what she wants from the posts on here. It's about support for her, that's all.

Arrrgh, I personally am not 'bolstering' the OP to stick with it, what I said was that she made that decision so there has to be some level of support for that 'her decision'.

I can sympathise with your position HanselandGretel but this has gone on for months now and that line does keep shifting.

I am not being negative about this wholesale. I've already recommended a book to OP which is very positive and constructive about rebuilding trust. I just am keen she see the difference between actions which have MEANING (like sitting down and having a hard conversation about a night out and asking her to come along as a show of respect and a gesture to his social circle that she is his priority) and actions which have NO MEANING like buying tickets to a concert. Which frankly is what people do in normal relationships every day. As part of being in a relationship. Or going on holiday. Or buying a house.

HaG - so basically you are saying people should only post if they tell her she has made the right decision and if we don't think she has we should just vanish. Right. Not going to happen - sorry.

holdtight - what some of the others are saying is right. He's doing the 'easy stuff', booking tickets, taking you away for a few days... none of this is the 'proper stuff', the 'difficult' stuff - this is just sweeping it under the pretty rug :( He needs to talk about how he let it happen, why he didn't care enough to stop it happening, what's different now, what you need etc etc He's papering over the cracks and you are letting him - but you are then peeking between the gaps in the paper to 'check on him' and setting limits - you cannot live like this :(

Latte No. that's not what I am saying whatsoever. I do believe though on working on the information the OP presents here.

Opinions on how people think the H is behaving re making an effort are different to wild speculations on what he may or may not still be doing as that is the part I thought unhelpful to the OP.

She is now 'trying' to trust and move on.

the only problem with this is, is that this guy isn't being trustworthy, so 'trying' wrt trust is all the op will ever do.

Thanks Hansel.

Pretty sure we are on the right track now. No ACTUAL contact with ow for two months. Frustrated that it has taken this long and am getting stronger in myself if I have to go it alone. Thanks for all the posts. I think I understand what you're saying Blood about actions that have no meaning and can recognise now when i'm getting something meaningful.

That's a great step forward, holdtight. Brilliant. Try not to reward him on things which are easy, like words, 'omissions', throwing money at the problem, and experiences which are meant to be part and parcel of any relationship. Look for actions, like him willingly putting your needs before his own, altering the circumstances and traits which led to this in the first place, and him confronting things that make him uncomfortable in order to make your experience less painful and attempts to build trust. Everything else is hiding.

Found a Facebook chat from 2 weeks ago between dh and mutual friend of ow where dh asks friend if he has heard from ow and if she has been on holiday this year?? What am I supposed to think now? Tired out.

I've followed your thread for a while now Hold, but never posted before.

You should think what I am afraid is the truth. That your husband is still still thinking of OW and desperate to find out about what she is up to.

I am not surprised you are tired. I too would be exhausted trying to hold together a marriage that is dead in the water. This man is not worth your precious time, and I sincerely hope you find the strength to cut him loose for good. Your posts are heartbreaking; I can hardly stand to read some of them. You are worth so, SO much more.

hold, nice (and sorry) to hear from you again.

Thinking of you, as ever!

Okay, let's look at some facts. You haven't found evidence of your DH contacting OW, which was what you said your bottom line was.

What you've found is something which, to me, chimes with everything we already knew. That your DH was / in love with the OW and misses her greatly. He has chosen to put your marriage first, for whatever reason, but he thinks of her often and is obviously desperate to find out how she's doing and is not emotionally detached from her.

Considering that, leaving aside 'what you're supposed to think now', are you content to remain in this relationship? This is the relationship you are in, there's no hiding from it. It is good you feel tired out. You should. There is no other sane reaction to these circumstances.

What do you want to do as a result of knowing this?

Truthfully, you stay with him and this is it, this is your life. Continuously checking up on him, changing the goal posts and blurring the lines of what is acceptable and 'yes but next time...' Declarations which you and he both know are meaningless.

There could of course be any number of reasons for him to ask those questions of the mutual friend. Perhaps he has tried to contact her and been unsuccessful or got an international ringtone, or perhaps he is just desperate for any information.