DH in occasional contact with OW - how to cope

[holdtight]

Hi MN. I have posted previously about my DH's affair/disclosure and what I have perceived to be marital progress to a better place. Since we decided to try again, I have seen emails to but mainly from ow to dh saying how much she misses him. Most of the time he responds to say he is sorry but he is trying with his marriage. I've also found out they have been to two of the same functions outside of work together and spoke once on the phone. I confronted him with the emails and he told me he still thinks about ow.

I've checked emails again this weekend for first time in a couple of months and there is one from her asking how he is and saying she misses him he has AGAIN replied saying that things are okay and he is getting on. She replies again saying she can meet up anytime and he has not replied (a month ago) as far as I can see.

Everything else is going good and much better than before. Is it unrealistic of me to think ow would just disappear? And that dh would be able to let go 100% after a one year affair?

If he truly cared about the OW's feelings, he would break off all contact

It shouldn't be about their relationship. (Who contacts who etc). It should be about the relationship that you and DH have.

He must be loving this - two women making it clear they want him - both willing to settle for very little - he must despise you both. In the fullness of time he'll possibly caste you both aside and move onto a third option.

Wake up and regain your self esteem. Why settle for this???

I really agree with AF here. Tryharder, I know what you're saying, and life is complicated but it's clear the OW is struggling and has feelings for him. It's incredibly cowardly and weak and selfish to maintain polite, kind correspondence in this way. The words may say one thing but the action says another. The really kind thing would be to hurt her profoundly by dropping all contact. However short term painful that is, it is a much better way of detaching and getting over someone and makes it far easier to cast them as a villain rather than a decent guy you're in love with. It shows a total misunderstanding of what compassion is to imagine that being in contact and using 'courtesy' actually helps the OW. It doesn't. It helps the man feel like he isn't a bad guy and supports his view of himself as adored by two women, both of whom he's loved and just wants to do right by. A real man makes a choice and sees that through and frees the OW by allowing her to start a new life without quiet hope of reconciliation or a misty eyed version of their affair.

I think he's behaving like a pig.

I hope the OP hasn't written his replies down verbatim.

"he is sorry but he is trying with his marriage."
"that things are okay and he is getting on."

because if so, he is telling OW, quite clearly, that his life is shit now.

No wonder OW is yapping around him.

So they have email contact, at least two "out of work" meetings, and one phone call?

He has no respect for his wife. None at all. He thinks she'll take anything. Perhaps she will?

she already is

OP, I am not trying to hijack your thread but want to respond to GrannyOnTheSchoolRun, upnotdown and AnyF'.

Vigilant at all times. Theoretically trust means that vigilance isn’t necessary, furthermore vigilance itself is a lack of trust. All fine in theory. Once you have been lied to by the person you love then fine theories are hard to live up to. When I (rarely) check now its to make sure the OM isn’t trying to contact (as best I can, it would be very easy for them to be in contact and me not to know).

Until it happened to me I didn’t believe anyone could go through what we did, but we did. All situations are different, in our case lots of people would have been affected if we had have split up. I could say I did it all for them, or perhaps it was selfish self-interest, I have analysed it to death and I honestly don’t know, it just seamed the right thing to do. As much I hated what my DW had done, I have never stopped loving her.

It would be unrealistic to imagine that H is going to stop thinking about OW just like that. He may even still have feelings for her. Those will take time to fade. BUT that isn't going to happen if he still sees her, emails her, speaks to her on the phone. And doing those things is not giving you the feeling of being safe in your relationship. It is perfectly realistic (and reasonable) for him to stop all contact with her (outside of minimal unavoidable work contact).

He is probably trying to still be kind to her, to let her down gently, or whatever the euphemism is. But he can't do that and reconcile with you.

Hi MN, thanks for the messages and advice. I haven't disappeared, just trying to process everything and get things clear in my head.

When I confronted him about this last time dh admitted that he still thinks about ow and is finding it difficult to go NC. And from the emails i've seen he is 'trying' at least, not instigating and giving short shrift. His replies DO say he is working on his marriage, though one says he 'misses us' (assuming them?). As nothernpixie and IrianofWay said it may be more realistic to assume that NC and feelings for ow will disperse gradually over time as much as that hurts me so much. Like I said, everything else is going well and dh talks a good game, says he loves me more than ever, can't believe he ever put our marriage in jeopardy. I'm not a mug and I AM losing my patience with this, it's no way to live :(.

It is no way to live. So why are you living it? Still!

He could be with ow, from what i've seen she has made that clear. He chose to work on things with me. I still have a shred of hope for my marriage.

Didn't he "talk a good game" when he was carrying on the affair behind your back ?

Come on, love, you can do better than this. "Shreds of hope" ?

Are you simply going to watch their contact enfold from a distance, like some sort of bystander in your own marriage ?

Kick his arse, fgs. I cannot understand such passivity. Do you think he will leave if you assert yourself ? Bring it on ! If you have to keep your trap shut while he stays in contact with the 3rd wheel in your marriage, you have no marriage at all. No man is worth such esteem-sucking conduct. No man

And I'm sorry, but from the outside you are being a complete mug. You have it stamped on your forehead and your husband knows it.

Holdtight, she is still in his head and you are worth more than that.

But Im still sure you are close to changing your situation soon.

Yes he does talk a good game. His actions suggest otherwise.

If he is still having contact with her and telling her that he "misses us" then he feels he is still IN love with her. He tells you he loves you but he doesn't seem IN love with you. If he was he would be desperate not too lose you and would do anything for you. If he was IN love with you he would not care about the OW or how she feels. He would be done with her and the relationship would have completely ended. You are unhappy but you are allowing this to happen by not sticking to your guns. Im sorry I haven't read your other threads but you need to ask him to move out so that you can have time on your own to see how that feels and try and get your self esteem back and for him to realise that you mean business and that he could lose you. If you don't do something to change things then either this will continue for a bit longer or he will start up the affair with her again and maybe actually leave to be with her. Stand up and let him know that you are worth more than this behaviour. Please.

Thanks btw Granny. It was nice you were thinking of me.

NorthernPixie, this is just to thank you for your very honest reply. I do understand a lot of what you've said, my own marriage broke up after almost 38 years, after a lot of soul searching on my part for reasons that were very similar to yours. I decide in the end to make a fresh start. We will never divorce, there is still way too much between us, but living as my husbands wife on a day to day basis is no longer possible for me.

Ive thought of you often Holdtight, and I really do want only good things for you. You come across as a lovely woman and I won't be hammering you for the choices your making. Yes, you are worth more than what you are living, but i think that with you a calm and reasoned manner is the way to go. That hammering you will just not work and more than likely have the opposite effect to what a poster is trying to achieve.

hold are you reading the posts and seeing what is happening here? He is still "with" the other woman. He hasn't finished it. He has told her that he is trying again with you and whilst he is doing that he isn't seeing her. That's all. Its not done yet. You have to change this situation. You have to make him realise what he could lose. If you don't then there is a very good chance that he will be with her.

I assume you are talking about my posts, Granny. It would have been better manners to say so instead of dropping such broad hints.

This board has a diverse range of posters and as many opinions and approaches. The Op knows this if she has posted about her situation before. No need to try and "protect" her from the more kickass approaches, she is a Big Girl now.

Granny, you are not the only one who remembers OP and wishes for her to be in a better place.

Lolol AF - There are 71 messages on this thread and not all of them by you.

I think you need to get over yourself.

I think it was pretty obvious who you were referring to. < shrug >

Obvious? Really?

Perhaps in your head, but as I said before - I think you need to get over yourself.

Holdtight, I'll say goodnight now and wish both you and NorthernPixie well.