DH in occasional contact with OW - how to cope

[holdtight]

Hi MN. I have posted previously about my DH's affair/disclosure and what I have perceived to be marital progress to a better place. Since we decided to try again, I have seen emails to but mainly from ow to dh saying how much she misses him. Most of the time he responds to say he is sorry but he is trying with his marriage. I've also found out they have been to two of the same functions outside of work together and spoke once on the phone. I confronted him with the emails and he told me he still thinks about ow.

I've checked emails again this weekend for first time in a couple of months and there is one from her asking how he is and saying she misses him he has AGAIN replied saying that things are okay and he is getting on. She replies again saying she can meet up anytime and he has not replied (a month ago) as far as I can see.

Everything else is going good and much better than before. Is it unrealistic of me to think ow would just disappear? And that dh would be able to let go 100% after a one year affair?

But OP stated her bottom line in her last thread..and that was; for the marriage to go forward he had to cut contact completely. He hasn't. And she's still 'trying' with the marriage and being made into a fool. He's had no or at least very little consequence for his past behaviour so he's still doing it..and evidently still getting away with it.

I guess then he has no reason to stop then, if the bottom line is never really the bottom line. No consequences.

You have been making "marital progress" ?

No, you haven't. Your husband is still in the throes of an affair. Perhaps he is no longer inserting his penis into her, but it won't be long until he does so again

It should be a no-quibble deal breaker that he is still in contact with her

Why isn't it ?

Is 'trying with his marriage' the actual phrase he used?

Because it implies he might fail. What he should have said is: 'it's over, don't contact me again'.

I think I recall your prev thread. How come he has not blocked her? Did he tell you straight about the phone contact or did you find out other ways?

In answer to your original question holdtight, yes, OW should just 'disappear' because your H should have made it perfectly cleae she was never to contact him again and block all forms of communication. And if he was 100% commited to your marriage, that's what he'd have done months ago.

Any less than this should have been a deal breaker long ago.

It's hard isn't it I've been going through the same sort of thing although it has been 5 days since 'no contact'. You need to explain why he needs to break off all contact and what it does to you every time you find something. Have you tried emailing OW and telling her to leave you both alone? There is no need to be polite about it either just spell out exactly why she should leave him alone.

OP shouldn't need to email the OW, if her H was 100% commited to their marriage he'd have told her to leave him alone himself and blocked her months ago. Full stop.

Agree. Not up to Op to do that.

Frankly, I think there could be more contact that you aren't aware of.

I think you should tell him to leave, or accept that he will always have another woman. He's given you no "choice"

Is it unrealistic of me to think ow would just disappear?
NO, it is not! NO way should be be talking to her at all. I thought you were going to say that they have to talk because of work, otherwise, why ask how to cope?

He needs to stop. He is refusing to move on if he doesn't stop contact, and to me, it sounds like her emails etc are stroking his ego, OR he is keeping her on the backburner in case it doesn't work out with you, or, worse still, he is still seeing her.

Holdtight, you're someone I think about quite often. I even started a thread about 2 months ago asking after you (and another lady) because it's always been very obvious you're not going to get your happy ending.

You say you have made progress, but the reality is that had you actually made progress you wouldn't still be checking mails and you wouldn't have to still be posting here.

Now, without wanting to hurt you more than you are already, I think you're husband 'settled' for staying in his marriage and whilst he may be living at home his heart isn't really in it. You can check all the emails you want and insist on no contact, but the OW is still inside your husbands head, you can't see him thinking about her, but he is. She hasn't gone away.

You deserve better than this, you deserve more than being in a situation where you check emails and there's another woman living in your husbands head, and deep down inside you know this. In fact I would put money on YOU being closer to being able to put an end to this awful situation than you think. Sometimes when we fight to hold something together its because we're painfully aware of how much a fight is actually needed to hold it together, and no marriage should be that hard.

I think you know you should be letting go but you're too scared to, I think if you could just take the plunge and do it you'll realise how much you wanted to and needed to.

You seem like a lovely woman and Im so sorry you are going through this.

And please don't email the OW. Why would you want to feed her ego more than it has been by letting her know she is still very much in your marriage, and that she still has power over you?

i would say what you have found is the tip of the iceberg unless you are monitoring his correspondence 24/7

which if you are says alot about his so called trying.

he is prob feeling guilt towards her. but none to you

Is it keeping her warm/back burner if it is her who is instigating the contact now?

Of course it is! She is letting him know she's there and available any time he wants and he's allowing that to happen. It doesn't matter who instigates it - contact between your husband and the other woman is continuing and it's continuing on his terms. He's keeping her in his life while putting on his holier than thou facade to both her and you, that he is trying to save his marriage.

Bollocks.

If he was genuinely invested in trying to save his marriage, would tell her straight to fstop contacting him. He would stop responding, and then do everything he could to block her and prevent any further correspondence or contact. He's not. He's stringing her, and you, along quite happily and as others have said, probably loving the ego boost.

Is it completely unacceptable for him to continue have any kind of contact with the woman he was fucking, regardless of who is instigating it? She obviously thinks there is hope or she wouldn't keep writing?

Can you not see this isn't right? You have three people in this marriage - thanks to your husband and it seems two of them are suffering as a direct result of his behaviour .. and he isn't one of them.

I'm afraid some people are just so desperate not to lose what they have, no matter how unhappy they are, they cannot see the wood for the trees. They delude themselves that they are in love. They aren't - they somehow think putting up with crap like this is somehow better than being on their own.

I'm afraid, OP, I think you are in this position. For some reason, you seem determined to hang on to your cheating husband. Why, when he has shown himself time and time again to be untrustworthy and to care so little about you?

YOU are allowing this to go on. Why do you come back here again for more advice when you don't follow even your own supposed 'bottom line'? You told him what was acceptable to you for giving him another chance (your choice, but the wrong one based on all you told us in previous threads). It was that or the marriage was over. Well, he has walked all over that and you. And you've basically allowed him to, so why on earth would he change? He knows your so-called ultimatum was nothing of the kind.

I'm sorry if this sounds blunt, OP, but your choice. You either kick him out or leave the marriage or basically accept that this is going to be your life until HE decides HE wants to go off with this OW or another OW a few years down the road.

9 months later and he's still in contact? That's a long time to let someone put it all to bed, so to speak.

I know you said it was a year long affair, but still - his loyalty should be towards the person he is in a relationship with and (unless you decide otherwise), that's YOU.

You don't need to be any more understanding than you have been already - if she will not stop contacting him, HE needs to tell her to stop. What kind of message are you sending to her if you tell her to? That's something mothers might do, and not your job.

If he can't do that, then you are wasting your time on someone who clearly doesn't think your feelings are more important or worth as much as OW's.

This situation was all of his own making - everyone has problems but not everyone conducts a 1 year affair as a way of dealing with them. Good luck x

Are you going to disappear, OP, or are you going to face this at last ?

Is it unrealistic of me to think ow would just disappear?

Yes, but not unrealistic to hope. I empathise, my DP was 1 year into an affair before I came out of denial and faced it. Then there was 6 months of will she/wont she leave me for OM, then a further damaging year of it carrying on behind my back topped of with steadily declining contact over the next 15 months and NC for the last 6 months. I made the choice after 27+ years of marriage and 2 DC to do everything I could to save the marriage and the wider family, I never stopped loving my DW but I have been deeply scarred and will never be the same, I feel as if I have lost my innocence.

We make choices, our choice to try and save the marriage leads to a long hard struggle but in my case I feel it has been worth it. Everyone’s circumstances are different and we make the best decisions we can at the time and I would support whatever route someone in our situation takes. Its hard to make someone disappear if they don’t want to, particularly if their affair didn’t end acrimoniously so there is a lingering emotional connection.

And that dh would be able to let go 100% after a one year affair?

It takes them time to let go, one estimate I heard was 5 years. In my case my DW says she feels partly responsible for the mess the OM is now in. All we can easily do is work on strengthening/recovering the marriage and let the ties to the OW decay with time.

Getting to the NC stage is essential and what helped me was the continual improvement in our relationship and constant gentle/reasoned pressure to get to true NC.

Good luck, keep moving in the right direction and remain vigilant.

He's not invested in the marriage the way you are, he's totally and still disrespecting you and letting you know you are not all that matters, for god's sake, he should have NO contact with her so why is he, I'd have kicked him out just for responding, seriously OP, if you want to be a doormat then expect more hurt and this is 9 months on.

NorthernPixie - are you still remaining vigilant in your improved relationship or do you mean a person should stay vigilant till it improves?

Its a genuine question by the way, I don't understand what your last sentence means.

NorthernPixie - I salute you. I can't believe anyone would stay through that.

NP, I pity you. No one should have to go through that for the sake of a relationship. For god's sake, life is too short. And no person...man or woman is worth that. not one person

In all honesty he's broke the deal and kicking him out Is the only way you're going to get any peace.

However it's pretty obvious that you're not going to do that.

Are you real to her.. In that do you know each other? If you are not ask him to set up a meeting and go to it with him. He tells her to leave him alone and she will feel utterly betrayed by him that he brought you along and the little fluffy clouds may bugger off that are floating above her head.

It's advice and not particularly good advice (I'm cringing while typing) but it's an option to put things to bed if you want to hang on to him. Is he really worth hanging on to? Does he enrich your life in other ways?

But really this will end up doing your head in.. you'll always be suspicious of him and that's no life :(

I disagree with what's being said to be honest.

If she's emailing him, he cannot help that. I think his replies sound honest, courteous and respectful to both to you - you as the person he has chosen to be with and her as the person he once had a relationship with.

I think he owes her courtesy and he owes you emotional and physical fidelity. But there is nothing to suggest that he is being unfaithful here.