DH in occasional contact with OW - how to cope

[holdtight]

Hi MN. I have posted previously about my DH's affair/disclosure and what I have perceived to be marital progress to a better place. Since we decided to try again, I have seen emails to but mainly from ow to dh saying how much she misses him. Most of the time he responds to say he is sorry but he is trying with his marriage. I've also found out they have been to two of the same functions outside of work together and spoke once on the phone. I confronted him with the emails and he told me he still thinks about ow.

I've checked emails again this weekend for first time in a couple of months and there is one from her asking how he is and saying she misses him he has AGAIN replied saying that things are okay and he is getting on. She replies again saying she can meet up anytime and he has not replied (a month ago) as far as I can see.

Everything else is going good and much better than before. Is it unrealistic of me to think ow would just disappear? And that dh would be able to let go 100% after a one year affair?

Why on EARTH hasn't he invited you?!

holdtight you are breaking my heart

holdtight your H has a close friend who you don't know and he sees this person frequently. How often is frequently?

This would make me paranoid under the circumstances, but then add into the mix that this person is a friend of OW.

Your peace of mind is not his priority. Why not? Why do you accept so little?

As BloodontheTracks says, your posts are heart breaking.

Oh OP. He has NO intention of putting YOU first and his actions are not reassuring you that he is committed to you and the marriage. His actions are still deceitful (e.g deleted phone call), selfish and entitled - did he ask you to go to the party with him?

Please read this link re pick me dance

I wonder how many of the frequent times he has gone to see this very close friend you don't even know have been a lie or included OW.

Do retired people still "go out for their birthday" ? Does the birthday end in a zero ?

In my world, "retired people" (am assuming 55yo minimum) don't "go out with friends" for their birthday unless it is a big one, and even then it is more likely to be a family outing.

OP - I don't understand why - if the OW isn't going, and it's a social event - why YOU aren't going with your husband.

At best he should have not gone in the first place out of consideration of you, but at very LEAST he should have told you he wanted you to come.

I'm sorry, but I don't see how anything this man does ever takes your feelings into account, even in the smallest way.

This whole situation is so sad. Would you be happy for one of your children to be treated like this by their partner, or for them to be made to feel like you are feeling? If not, then why are you tolerating it?

My personal view is one strike and your out when it comes to fidelity, but even aside from that, I can't see anything other than selfishness and manipulation in the way your OH is treating you.

PS, And what do you do if the OW does go? Would he tell you about it? Would he lie about it by omission and you have to find out about it from someone else? Would he ignore her? Spend hours talking to her?

He would say he can't control if she changes her mind - which is exactly why either he shouldn't go in the first place, or you should be there with him.

But I don't see how anything can survive with this spectacular lack of trust, cause, absolutely entirely by him.

He should not go, more, he should not even want to do anything that is not a positive step forward WITH YOU.

He is not working hard hard enough to keep you.

Oh I so wish I could talk to you, I know exactly how it feels to be holding in and whilst I am sure it works sometimes I have a horrible feeling it is not going to work out for you either. What is he doing differently now post destroying your relationship and trust? Anything?

Holdtight, I feel awful for you. He is not trying hard enough. You absolutely deserve better. I am not in your position but my advice would be to get legal advice on where you stand regarding a separation. Present this information to him and tell him that he has not done enough to re-assure you that he is committed to you and ask him to leave. He is disrespecting you massively with no consequences. He might feel differently if he had to find somewhere to live and fend for himself.

You sound committed to staying in your marriage but honestly it is not worth being treated like a doormat. Millions of single women all over the world are really enjoying getting older, trying new things and finding out who they are after emerging from long marriages that stopped working. That could be you. Your future at the moment looks grim but you can change it by changing your attitude to him. I know it is very hard but put your shoulders back and keep your head high and tell him you have had enough and want him to leave.

This might make him change his behaviour. If not you can start planning your own future. You can do it alone!

Thank you for still posting when it must feel like you're banging your head against a brick wall.

I didn't have a problem with dh going to this night out and am trying to give him more freedom. I also don't mind not going - we socialise together with mutual friends a lot and I don't know this person (he is a real person btw and not a smokescreen for ow).

My problem is with the fact that this friend is evidently close friends with ow and I would like to know if it is unreasonable of me to expect dh not to be in contact with these mutual friends any more.

He did go on the night out but was back for ten like I asked. Ow was not there he has assured me but of course i'll be checking the pictures. I realise how depressing this all sounds.

What about you ...don't you feel like you are "banging your head against a brick wall ?

It doesn't seem too much to ask that he would think to ask you to come along. That seems a nice gesture in the direction of integrating you into the group of friends that previously belonged to him and OW. Keeping these things segregated is the problem. The issue shouldn't be whether it is unreasonable for YOU to ask him not to contact these people anymore. But that it is unreasonable for HIM not to make every effort to ensure YOU (and show THEM) that you are real and of value and his priority. He should have sat down and asked you to come and asked his friend if OW was going to be there. Simple as that.

'am trying to give him more freedom'
This is what cries out from your posts, hold tight. The knots you are tying yourself in, psychologically and emotionally to be better for him, to not be inconvenient. To not let your tremendous pain and betrayal and repressed rage put a dampener on his social life. Where the fuck is HIS effort? The things Jones describes above? The consideration about this night out?

You sound lovely and totally, totally drowning in this relationship. Like a mouse or something. I feel for you. Please come back to the surface soon.

Did you grow up in a family where this sort of subtextual pain or world-weary acceptance was normal, hold?

You're still scared he'll leave and be with her if you make his life difficult aren't you?

He is still carrying on with her. Sorry, OP, but denial isn't just a river in Egypt.

This is no way to live. He is simply just not trying hard enough.
I wouldn't be surprised at all if OW is hiding somewhere in the wings

I was thinking about you Holdtight, and this thread. I was worried that you might feel you can't change your mind, that you've made your bed and must lie in it. I'm not sure how the rest of us should behave, write or not write, to make it easier for you.

I agree with the sentiments above, it is heart breaking to read your posts.

Leaving aside the actions of the OW (and I rarely say that!) I think there is something important to get to the bottom of here about how lonely and small hold seems in her marriage. And he ability to see it. Hold, you come here to ask if a certain thing is appropriate or not. Do you talk to your DH about it? Are you pretending everything is fine on the surface? Are you and your DH still fighting about it? Or have you reached a point where you are polite to one another, masking despair? Remind me what stage you are at with counseling, either together or individually? Does he get angry with you? Do you believe you deserve him? These seem like loads of questions but you are always very very hidden in these posts, very specific, as if you think that by solving things alone, step by step, you can make this work. Whereas, I'm afraid the only thing that ever worked was group-work and an understanding of context.

The evening might well have been entirely innocent. That is not the point. The point is what he should be doing to reassure you that you are the very centre of his life.

That's what I was trying to get at, fuckit. The evening's innocence is not the point. It really isn't. Everything around it is wrong. I really would love holdtight to consider that and talk about the relationship dynamic itself a bit more, because it feels like nothing's moved forward here since the affair, only backwards.

Is it asking too much that he doesn't see these people? hell no!

OW's friends = not your friends

and since you and DH are a team this rule extends to him. The friendship with this man endangers your relationship as it facilitates your husband and OWs relationship on so many levels. (I know this as a fact because years ago I had an affair with a boy who had a long-term girlfriend. This girlfriend was similar to you in the way she would let the boy get away with playing the field).

If OW and DH work together that is a real problem because deep down I'd say that any contact must be cut for the relationship to heal. but I assume IRL this isn't so straightforward when it comes to economics.

Well, put your boot down. Ideally you and DH should start a new life far away for this to work, or to cut out any trace of OW.

Good god holdtight, this whole thing is just exhausting to read. I can't imagine what it must be like to be living it.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life on the edge of your seat like this?

The fact your H is already minimising his affair as "a friendship" and is still hanging out with OW's good friends is enough for me to say, just sling him out. And deleting 20-minute phone calls and being cagey about who they were to? Give me strength.

What he does once you have chucked him out will tell you everything you need to know.

Nothing is worth this amount of distress. It will make you ill.

The husband is probably still torn between the two women.
If you want to keep him then you have to accept some pain and people do get over it.
Many many men if they have an affair which is found out and then their wife lets them stay pretend they are really trying but in fact the wife has in effect given them a green light - she has said if you cheat we stay together - that then can act as a permission in their heads to carry on for the rest of their lives cheating often every year with a different woman over 30 years.

Might be worth installing key logging software on the computer and tracking his phone.

How is your weekend holdtight? I hope there are some nice things planned, or at least the sun is shining where you are?