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Original poster

DH in occasional contact with OW - how to cope

471 replies

holdtight · 20/07/2014 20:29

Hi MN. I have posted previously about my DH's affair/disclosure and what I have perceived to be marital progress to a better place. Since we decided to try again, I have seen emails to but mainly from ow to dh saying how much she misses him. Most of the time he responds to say he is sorry but he is trying with his marriage. I've also found out they have been to two of the same functions outside of work together and spoke once on the phone. I confronted him with the emails and he told me he still thinks about ow.

I've checked emails again this weekend for first time in a couple of months and there is one from her asking how he is and saying she misses him he has AGAIN replied saying that things are okay and he is getting on. She replies again saying she can meet up anytime and he has not replied (a month ago) as far as I can see.

Everything else is going good and much better than before. Is it unrealistic of me to think ow would just disappear? And that dh would be able to let go 100% after a one year affair?

OP posts:
Original poster
holdtight · 10/08/2014 14:29

Thanks to the continuing posters. I hope you don't mind me posting even though there's not much to update - just my feelings.

We have been on our little holiday now and it was somewhere quite sentimental to our history which I think was a good turn in the right direction by dh. I did take this gift as coming from a good place and an attempt at an apology (though I would give anything not to need one). We talked more and dh has reassured me that he wants to be here 100%, with me, and that he less frequently thinks about his friendship with ow (he's calling it a friendship now Hmm). He has assured me the call is not her and wishes I could trust him. I don't know if it's because he's on holiday from work (so I know for sure he can't contact ow and is getting distance from her) but I feel a bit better about us. I know we are not out of the woods and I still get moments of extreme anxiety and sadness but if there are phases in recovery, then we are going through a 'good phase' atm. I'm going into it with my eyes open though, not resting on my laurels and still intent on following through with my plan should anything else surface.

FuckitandStartAgain - thanks for the kind thoughts. Interested to hear your story - PM me anytime x

OP posts:
Vivacia · 10/08/2014 14:35

Good to hear from you holdtight I think you are in a lot of peoples' thoughts.

He has assured me the call is not her and wishes I could trust him

Does he understand why you can't trust him, and that the responsibility to change that lies with him, and not you? It seems a little as though he's re-writing history.

Paddlingduck · 10/08/2014 14:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

magoria · 10/08/2014 15:09

So he deletes a 20 minute call but it is your fault you can't trust him?

He can't understand why you don't?

BettyNettle · 10/08/2014 15:23

Hmm. Your DH isn't getting much love on here.

So he calls the affair "friendship" now? Is that good in terms of taking responsibility for his actions and for making amends? I think not..

Only1scoop · 10/08/2014 20:11

Good to hear that you were able to enjoy your break. Thinking of you.

Original poster
holdtight · 10/08/2014 20:40

What was the final straw if you don't mind me asking Paddlingduck? And did you feel like you were waiting for it? Did you have good phases in your recovery where you felt you were out of the woods?

OP posts:
Paddlingduck · 10/08/2014 23:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FatherJake · 11/08/2014 07:26

OP, clearly you need to assume the deleted call was with OW - because frankly the tears (FFS...) and deletion make any other explanation preposterous.

If you're still keen to carry on then go for it. But really, he tells you that thinks about his 'friendship' less now? Well that's ok then. Sorry but he still sounds like a tit.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 11/08/2014 07:30

His year long affair was a 'Friendship?'

He wishes you could trust him?

I dislike this man more than ever.

Original poster
holdtight · 15/08/2014 19:53

Hi all, having a down day. Dh been back at work a week and suddenly feel insecure all over again and paranoid that he is messaging ow or wishing he'd chosen that path. Thinks getting 'back to normal' after recent highs and a really nice time together. Feeling like I need to be all-singing all-dancing holdtight 24/7. Is this natural and will it pass?

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 15/08/2014 20:01

it is natural but l don't think it will pass. Deep down you know that the deleted call was from OW. You don't and can't trust your DH-this is how it will be from now on. There is no happy ending.
Sorry to be so blunt.

Vivacia · 15/08/2014 21:16

I think that this is what they call the "pick me dance" on here.

Vivacia · 15/08/2014 21:18

Also, dealing with an affair is not a case of sticking with the first decision you make. You're allowed to change your mind or tweak decisions.

FuckitAndStartAgain · 19/08/2014 10:26

Look, the call is odd but no one knows what it was, you have put it to one side for now which might or might not be a good call.

As for feeling down today, this why he has to prove to you again and again that you are the centre of his universe. It is very early days for you to feel that as he has stayed with you throughout (not judging, I did the same). If he really really wants it to be good between you tell him you feel low and let him take responsibility. Not for your happiness, that is a bit of a tall order for superman! He should however take repos nobility for what his choices have done to your relationship and try try try to put it right.

In the meantime, just in case things don't work out or even just in case they do, please build a life for yourself. See friends, start swimming, read books anything. Just start getting some resources. If your relationship works out these will only enrich your life, if not well they might 'save' it.

Also Vivacia is spot on. You can change your mind. Remember he has known about the difficulties in your relationship for years, you are only just starting to think things through.

FuckitAndStartAgain · 19/08/2014 10:31

Oh, trust. Is it something you give or something that needs to be earnt? Does it need to be built slowly or is it an attribute that exists or doesn't?

You can change your mind about this as many times a day as you want (Grin) too!

Take care holdtight and vent here all you like. I know what it is like to believe something that the majority of posters said was daft, not pleasant at all! There is no speeding up the process for some of us though so take your time and remember you can change your mind whenever you want.

Jan45 · 19/08/2014 10:47

He destroyed the trust, you can't just wish it back, it has to be earned, by him, and it takes a long time, if ever to be repaired.

Sorry but I still wouldn't trust him, that's why, apart from the holiday, you still feel anxious, if only you had kicked him out in the first instance, I bet you would be feeling 100 times better, about yourself.

I hope it turns out well for you but be on your guard and be ready for that separation, it may still be on the cards.

BringMeSunshine2014 · 19/08/2014 11:11

holdtight - your thread hurts to read. You seem like a really lovely woman who is putting herself through hell hanging onto her marriage. Personally, I think he has done too much damage for you to ever be 'relaxed' in your relationship again. He might stay away from her, he might not ever have another affair, but you will always have this hanging over you, you wont ever be able to fully trust him again, you wont ever feel like he's 100% there with you - can you live like that? Do you want to live like that?

You children will be happiest, when you are happiest. There are plenty of threads on here from people whose parents 'stayed together for the kids' who wish they hadn't - all the things their parents thought they'd hidden from the kids, they hadn't. Kids aren't stupid.

Original poster
holdtight · 22/08/2014 18:33

Dh going out tonight for a friend (who I don't know's) birthday. He meets him frequently as they were very close colleagues and the guy is now retired. Sorry if I sound paranoid but I looked the friend up on Facebook and there are pictures of the friend and ow together on nights outs/lunches. Dh admits that he is a mutual friend of both his and ow's but says she will not be there tonight as he confirmed this (with the friend) before he made plans to go, otherwise he would have stayed away. I'm not sure i'm happy at all that him and ow still have close mutual friends. Is it asking too much that he doesn't see these people?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/08/2014 18:36

No

AnyFucker · 22/08/2014 18:37

And why are you sorry if you sound paranoid

We don't trust your husband either

Vivacia · 22/08/2014 18:45

No. He should be trying to earn your trust, convince you that he thinks the marriage is worth saving.

NYCHIC · 22/08/2014 18:47

If he was as committed to working on your marriage you shouldn't need to ask. I'm usually the first to say you can't police who your OH does or doesn't see, but honestly it sounds to me like he is just going through the motions to try and 'keep you happy' What if next time he meets up with 'another friend' who isn't a mutual friend of his ex-lover? Will you be spending all night wondering if where he really is? How on earth can you live like this? At what point will you stop checking FB and e-mails? Are you happy?

Itsfab · 22/08/2014 19:11

If it turns out she does go, what then?

He thought she wasn't going. He can't control the guest list. He didn't talk to her all night.

There seems to be no understanding of your feelings at all.

I heard it can take 9 months to lose baby weight having grown the baby for 9 months. To use that analogy, I think you need to have the same amount of time as his affair went on for to question, watch, whatever you want with him as a minimum and he has to suck it up.

And at the end of it all you can still kick him out. Your current decision does not have to be the final one.

JonesTheSteam · 22/08/2014 19:12

holdtight

Someone name checked me and the thread I started about my DH's affair.

To help you put things into perspective...

My DH could possibly be going to the same 'do' as last September, where he got very, very drunk and slept with the other woman.

He has made it very clear to work that he is unavailable to go this year (as someone fairly high up they have asked him to host a table), and is in fact going to book the day off the day after the awards.

I didn't ask him to do that.

He has said that he wouldn't dream of even putting me through the worry I would feel if he went, even though he knows that he would never hurt me again the way he has hurt me. He is putting me first, without me having to ask him to.

He also cancelled a work trip away earlier in the year, even though (a) the OW wouldn't have been going and (b) it was a course he should have attended the first year he started working in the industry he is in now.

He knows how important it is to put me first, to help me conquer my fear that he will betray me again. Which is lessening with time as I can see how committed he is to making us work.