DH in occasional contact with OW - how to cope

[holdtight]

Hi MN. I have posted previously about my DH's affair/disclosure and what I have perceived to be marital progress to a better place. Since we decided to try again, I have seen emails to but mainly from ow to dh saying how much she misses him. Most of the time he responds to say he is sorry but he is trying with his marriage. I've also found out they have been to two of the same functions outside of work together and spoke once on the phone. I confronted him with the emails and he told me he still thinks about ow.

I've checked emails again this weekend for first time in a couple of months and there is one from her asking how he is and saying she misses him he has AGAIN replied saying that things are okay and he is getting on. She replies again saying she can meet up anytime and he has not replied (a month ago) as far as I can see.

Everything else is going good and much better than before. Is it unrealistic of me to think ow would just disappear? And that dh would be able to let go 100% after a one year affair?

Sorry Blood - i'm not avoiding your questions - not been well. We have finished counselling (then it transpired he had been emailing ow throughout). I'm not going through it again.

As far as the marriage goes at the moment - I do feel dh is making an effort, took me on holiday, bought concert tickets for something i've always wanted to see, we go on 'dates' now, we are in the middle of buying the house of our dreams (and he is the one driving this). He is more loving towards me than ever before and our sex life has taken off.

We talk/argue less about what happened because I am sick of going over it. At times, yes I do feel like I am pretending everything is fine. Am I burying my head in the sand by not wanting to dredge it up every five seconds? Isn't this the only way to move forward? I get angry with him. He does not get angry with me but can be stand-offish at times. He also gets frustrated with me.

Hi Hold- have been reading all of this and it reminds me of too separate bits of my life. I stayed with my DH after his affair and it was the hardest time of my life. I dont think I ever felt truly comfortable with what he said or did ever again. People thought I was mad to try to keep our long marriage together. I would call him my soul mate, tell anyone that would listen I loved him and that people hurt those they love. Two years after I found out about the affair I still couldnt get other the recurring thought that how could I stay with and love someone who had done this to me?
No matter how much I loved him or how much I thought our relationship mattered he had treated me appallingly and I was still with him? How could I look myself in the eye? Part of why I stayed was for kids they adored their dad but they also deserved a happy mum.
Two years of trying and forgiving him for the affair I asked him to leave and felt incredibly selfish for doing so. I have never regretted the decision no matter what life has thrown at me.The DCs as upset as they were value my decision and I feel I have shown them you cannot put up with other peoples poor behaviour forever.

I have though been the OW. His wife found out. He sent me texts saying he needed time; she rang me shouting at me. He never told me to leave him alone though he clearly told his wife he had. Getting an email from you both will have stabbed her - she doesnt want anything kind of couple idea about you both. But it will also have given an insight into your fragility. He is at fault here lets not forget that. He is playing with two hearts and heads and it is cruel as another post said. I would have done anything to know the truth but i was played. An honest conversation with me about his desire and intent to stay with his wife would have been respectful to all.

Dont fight for a prize that may well prove to be not worth winning. You will loose so much of yourself in this. You cannot erase what he has done and continues to do. People make mistakes but putting them right is unequivocal; black and white - not grey.

Find yourself in this - dont judge yourself on her or him. You are a person - not simply his wronged wife - you can choose your label if you like - what will it be?

I'm sorry you've been feeling unwell - can't imagine this stress is helping at all.

"As far as the marriage goes at the moment - I do feel dh is making an effort, took me on holiday, bought concert tickets for something i've always wanted to see, we go on 'dates' now, we are in the middle of buying the house of our dreams (and he is the one driving this). He is more loving towards me than ever before and our sex life has taken off."

Those things don't really sound like an 'effort' though They sound like superficial gestures. Which is fine if that's what you want/need.

Him making an effort around things that really really matter would mean that you would not feel the need to check his email/phone You started this by saying your husband is in contact with the OW which you were not happy with. The thing which would make you happier is for him not to have this contact and he hasn't done it has he? Far easier to spend money on holidays, tickets, dinners. He lied throughout counselling, still has email and phone contact with OW

It is my strong believe that you cannot/should not dictate who your OH has as friends - he need to take this decision for himself. Sounds like your OH wants to have contact with OW so what does that tell you about his commitment to making you happy?

Sounds to me like the only thing your husband needs to commit to is being cleverer about not being caught again.

Sorry to hear you've been unwell, hold. Thanks for answering and reminding me. I make no judgement about what stage of anger, politeness, despair or conflict you are at. Just wondered which it was.

A holiday, a concert ticket, 'dates' now, buying the house of my dreams and more sex?

Those are not the kind of things that require effort and commitment. They sound fun.

So basically you have resigned yourself to OW being part of your arrangement but are ok with it because you are benefitting materially, get great (and surely emotionally painful, raw, desperate and competitive) sex and a superficially more loving partner in return? I think the sex factor is important here because I assume you are hooked on the thrill of this rollercoaster.

I wish I could give you some boundaries and strength. I usually don't recommend books etc but I am lost for words at your naivety. There's a book called "women who run with the wolves" it has a Bluebeard story in it that might help you. Good luck with everything!

Lastly, I agree that relationships do move forward by not "dredging it up" constantly BUT from what you have told us the affair is far from over!

Burying your head in the sand now will result in what greengrow described upthread: your DH has permission and green light to go ahead with OW as long as he springs an eternity ring on you from time to time.

It will be up to you. I know someone whose husband cheated. The wife found out. They tried to make a go of it. She suddenly started offering her husband sex again which is all he said (to me) he had ever wanted from her and the only reason he had strayed (so he said). He was euphoric when he called me about their new wonderful relationship particularly the sex. However over 1 - 2 years his wife could not handle the fact he's cheated and in the end they divorced and he's married his mistress and had 2 more babies with her in my view extremely quickly.

However other people do manage to overlook adultery on either side, man or woman, and continue. It sounds to me unlike what most people are saying that it's salvageable here and you should stick with it but not take any decisions you'd regret in future. Make sure you have total openness including rights to see his emails and bank statements, have copies of his P60s, pay slips, pension details and all the rest which so many women seem to know nothing about. Make sure you know what the new dream house will cost and how it will be funded.

Thanks hopefaith. That is very helpful.

Betty, I am not resigned to ow being part of our arrangements. They are not in contact any more and if they were that would be it.

My post wasn't intended to sound materialistic - I'm certainly not trying to salvage my marriage for financial gain, just trying to explain some of the gestures dh has made and yes, maybe these are not that important in the grand scheme.

To suggest I am on a sexual/roller coaster thrill ride is so far off the mark.

I'd suggest looking at I LOVE YOU BUT I DON'T TRUST YOu by Mira Kirshenbaum. It's a bit US happy clappy but it's genuinely useful about deciding how much you can put up with and completely supports the positive mindset of those determined to stay.

If you both want to do some reading, this comes highly recommended by many on MN

Agree that those "gestures" are self serving and frivolous - he gets to have more sex, a new house and more dates, great . Where is the real hard work, the sacrifices etc he is supposed to be making??!

It reads like the OW is still around because you say he emailed the OW throughout your counselling sessions.

Glad you are kind of ok holdtight. I am sure you are being super aware and careful and hope that he respects this and that is not why he is frustrated. Is there anything you can do that is just for you? I feel as though you need a little head space. Swimming, walking, yoga? Anything really but a little something for you?

Oh op. More sex, holidays, dates, a shiny new house, a wife desperate to hold on no matter the personal cost ?

I don't consider those positive gestures from him, I consider all this to be rewarding bad behaviour

I am assuming the term 2hysterical bonding has been used already on this thread

Hysterical bonding doesn't work. Waste of time and self esteem. Does not address the problems.

Good luck OP. I really hope it does work out but at the moment this man must think all his Christmases have come at once.

I'm afraid it's true, OP, that what you are not seeing is that these things you call positive moves forward in the marriage are mostly 'things he wants to do anyway'. The real test is does he do the things which are HARD for him. Which he DOESN'T want to do, like sit down and have an awkward conversation about a night out that's coming up and how he wants you to come so you know not to feel threatened by that group anymore, or to turn down the invitation privately so that you don't even have to worry about it. Dates, a new house and more sex sound like an upside to the affair, whilst you privately deal with all the downside, hoping not to spill out too much over him in case he leaves you. :(

''He is away with his parents for 2 days''
Is he staying with his parents?

The same thing went through my mind.
Is he really staying at his parents?
And even if he is, how do you know she isn't staying nearby? and they're not meeting up?

This is somebody who lied to (and expertly) so, while he was having his affair, so how do you know for sure that he isn't lying to you now?

and other sites on how to cope when dh has residual feelings for ow^

Why would any woman want to stay with a man who is thinking of and having feelings for another woman?
I don't think I could bear that.
If a man stays with his wife, even though he still has 'feelings' for OW, surely that proves that he's only staying because he was found out and the issue was forced.
It's not really through choice.

OP, is it helpful to still be on here when you are working on your marraige? What you are getting now is voices of doom feeding your insecurities.

what ?

What Op is "getting" is voices of reason.

But what is the reasoning? She has made a decision to stick in the marraige, why good is it to paint the worse case scenarios all the time. She is only too aware of what he could be doing at any given moment out of her sight as it has already occurred. She is now 'trying' to trust and move on. If it were real life friends saying 'well he's popped to the shops, but has he??' etc etc, would that be considered supportive? I think not.

what good is it to paint the worse case scenarios all the time.

I think that we strongly believe the OP is already living the worst case scenario and we want to remind her that she still has the option of alternatives.

She has the option of alternatives, for now she has chosen to stay. She has stated her 'bottom line', i.e. any contact with OW and that is it. That is her power tool now, the fact she has made a decision but has leaving as an alternative should he fuck it up.

Living with it every day must be so tiring, I feel sad reading your posts OP as you sound so like you want it to work and you should never have been put in this position.

I have to agree with Bloodonthetracks in her last post, and not just because the first thing to cross my mind when HT said tickets had been bought for a concert she had wanted to go to for a long time was - why are the tickets only being bought now.

As for what Hansel has to say - there is grounds for saying it but the reality is that if HT was making progress in her head and her heart she wouldn't for e.g. be bothered about her husband and his night out and asking him to be home at 10, she wouldnt be checking up on FB still, as well as other things she is doing and thinking. HT knows deep down inside just how bad the situation still is - she just can't deal with it for now.

I think if HT wants to hear different things to what she is being told here she has to post as someone who wants to, for her own reasons, stay in her marriage. She has to ask other women who are going through the same thing how she goes about living what she's living. Its a far cry from what she is asking in her posts to now, and its a far cry from asking women who's husband have genuinely made amends how to move forward.

OP would not still be posting here if she wasn't looking for people who, with the benefit of complete impartiality, are willing to point out the down side

I think you are doing her a dis service, HaG