DH in occasional contact with OW - how to cope

[holdtight]

Hi MN. I have posted previously about my DH's affair/disclosure and what I have perceived to be marital progress to a better place. Since we decided to try again, I have seen emails to but mainly from ow to dh saying how much she misses him. Most of the time he responds to say he is sorry but he is trying with his marriage. I've also found out they have been to two of the same functions outside of work together and spoke once on the phone. I confronted him with the emails and he told me he still thinks about ow.

I've checked emails again this weekend for first time in a couple of months and there is one from her asking how he is and saying she misses him he has AGAIN replied saying that things are okay and he is getting on. She replies again saying she can meet up anytime and he has not replied (a month ago) as far as I can see.

Everything else is going good and much better than before. Is it unrealistic of me to think ow would just disappear? And that dh would be able to let go 100% after a one year affair?

Waffle out of interest is your blind reassurance based on experience or hope?

It's not based on experience.

I am all for saving and fighting for a marriage. But would say that after a huge betrayal like this there need to be new ground rules, consequences and boundaries established.

Else the offending party will know they can get away with murder. And I would also act on a basis that holdtight's DH can not be trusted, and may possibly try to stray again. Basically he needs a clear message that this is not on and that throwing material things and sweet words at holdtight will not paper over the cracks.

I wish I had something more positive and hopeful to say but I would bet my mortgage that nothing is achieved by doing business as usual.

Holdtight 'others' as in other calls.

And your holiday - I'm not convinced it's coming from a good place.

I would love for you to have your happy ending because I do believe it's possible for people to move on from an affair, but nothing you say makes me think yours will.

I'm sorry

Fair enough, hold. I see the problem now with the number. But it seems very odd for him to delete a number for work. Why on earth would he? And the crying makes it more suspect, not less. I'm really genuinely trying not to be a shit-stirrer. I'm only suspicious when the explanation makes less sense than the possible lie, and ascertaining if that's the case. Have a nice holiday though.

OP I really feel for you as I'm going through the same thing myself. I check DPs phone (he doesn't know) and the texts between them have started again. He blocked the OW after I gave him an ultimatum last month so I'm gutted he's back in contact which he must have initiated as she was blocked. I think it's an ego stroke or him trying to 'save' her in some way.
She's told him a sob story about how awful her life is now and he sends her supportive texts which breaks my heart.
I really hope things get better for you.
For me now I'm going to start taking pictures of the texts so I have evidence to confront as he will deny :-(

I've just read this whole thread. I'm so sorry you're going through this, holding. I really really hope things improve and you get your happy ever after. Xx

I think you are a strong, strong woman for coping with this whole situation as well as you have.

Really? I think majority of women would have kicked him out by now due to the constant disrespect he is showing.

The number was the ow and he started crying because he thought you were going to phone the number but you did not! and you know why? because if you did that would shatter your illusion of him trying to work on the marriage.

You and the ow are both very sad and both of you have very low self esteem to be fighting over this 'man'. He does not sound like a prize to me but good luck, wonder who will win this love God?

Mumsnet does LTB very well but is not always as supportive of those fighting to save their marriage.

holdtight there is a great thread for you to read with an OP deciding to save her marriage rather than leave. Another strong woman willing to allow herself to be vulnerable for the sake of her relationship. If you have some time it is worth a read:

Can't be bothered to namechange. Discovered emails on DH phone...

I can't link, but a search will find the thread.

I recall the thread you've mentioned , without even searching for it, and the OP will also because she posted on it under her previous name.

The OP on the other thread got her happy ending if I recall correctly.

Her husband was a far different kettle of fish to this OP's

I recall Jones' thread....there were huge differences I recall ....they are receiving counselling etc....nothing seems to have been swept under the carpet....

I hope she is doing ok.

Op eventually IME the phone checking....email checking becomes so exhausting and upsetting and then ....hey Ho they just set up another email account or buy another phone.

Yes this isn't always the case but follow your gut instinct....

A 20 mim conversation deleted....

Why unless he deletes all his calls....

The years to guilt you into not pursuing it and asking him to call....

A holiday wondering if he'd rather be with her etc....

I hope I am wrong.

I'm glad you have come back to update I hope you are ok.

'The tears' not years....

So now there's a 20min call deleted - work related - doubt it.

What a way to live, checking up behind his back, seriously, that's so destructive to your self worth, kick him out OP, let him prove to you that he really does love you enough not to even look at another woman never mind the one he's crying about.

Honestly, everything has been made far too easy for him, and now he's getting a lovely holiday too - priceless.

Another strong woman willing to allow herself to be vulnerable for the sake of her relationship.

Well, all people are vulnerable if they are in any kind of a relationship, aren't they? So, in that regard all of those people are Strong.

I don't see the wisdom in encouraging anyone in damaging behaviour.

The only way I could see someone in the OP's position as "strong" would be in a bulletproof "I'm going to stand firm through whatever crap is thrown my way and get through this" kind of way.

I don't see the strength in that? Not in the positive use/connotations of the word "strong" anyway. Could someone explain what it to me?

Imo there comes a point where determination is foolhardy. I fear you are about to step over to the other side OP.

When he said he would call the number, how was he going to do it? Why can he specifically remember that one call? Why delete that one call? What has he said about that?

About six and a half years ago I could have accurately written all of your posts OP. Now I have finally filed for divorce and he is with the OW. My self esteem is so low I can't even say I regret spending those years being not good enough. I could have even written about stopping calling him on being selfish in an attempt to make things right. During that time he told me he loved me and we celebrated many anniversaries including our 25th. All fake it appears.

However, I really really understand your desire to work it all out. I think that if I had kept not-so DH out, made him leave, made him fight to get me back it might even have worked. He never had to do that, I was not valued sufficiently. Neither btw were our children. I suspect some here will remember my story. I was told for years to get rid!

So, if you really think it is worth it make him leave and win the right to return. I can't say don't. I can't say anything really. My sense of self is destroyed by always feeling second rate, even when he was telling me he loved me. I never made him choose, not really. I am not in a great place right now, don't be me in six years time. X

Crumbs, Fuckit - that is a sad story. You will come out of that stronger though.

Was he seeing the OW the whole time? Or did they separate, but then end up back together?

I will come through this

I 'think' they were not seeing each ot
her but that does not really matter. The OW was there, in our marriage, as another poster alluded to, so I was not anything other than not good enough.

This is not my story though. I was writing to OL to support the idea of making him move out and then make a positive choice to return to the partnership. I hate to think of other women being walked over.

I asked op if she was worried her dh would run to the OW if she kicked him out & she said...

In my mind atm I am almost certain that the minute dh got his marching orders, he would contact ow rather than mourn me.

So yes, she is afraid. Understandably, she doesn't want her marriage to come to nothing & to not be missed, or needed by her dh.

The crying is a good tactic op, to throw you off. To make you sympathise with him, to make you see he is remorseful. He isn't. It's an act.

And again, he will now be more careful wrt his phone. Watch out for him NOT using his phone as much, as I predict he will buy another one, purely to contact her. You have caught him out each time he has made contact, he ISN'T going to stop... he will just get better at hiding it!

hold this is such a sad thread.

I'm reluctant to write this - as it feels like I am putting the boot in- but your DH is behaving appallingly. There is zero likelihood that the "work call" was from anyone other than the OW.

Sorry

It's a horrible thread. It's just so upsetting to think of holdtight living what she's living. I think about her at various times throughout the day even though I don't know her from Adam.

There isn't even any point asking how she is anymore because it's all just too obvious how she must be.

Xxxxx

I come on to your thread everyday hold, just to see if there's any news on how things are going.

I know whatever the outcome it will be a long road for you so I hope you feel you can still continue to post through it-even if we are all saying some things that you probably don't want to be hearing

I hope it's all going ok!

OP...so many of us have given you the same advise....tell him to go as you are unsure of your feelings. He will then have to fight to win you back. Even if he does go to the OW . The sooner he gets to have more of her the sooner his infatuation will disappear and he will come knocking on your door. This is your best chance of getting him back .

Thinking of you x

Hope things are ok Op.