Dating thread 77

[neiljames77]

Just got in from my holiday and saw that 76 was full.

dippin I think you're right, to an extent. I think he does know what he wants, but I'm not able to give that to him. He had 100% of my free time, but, admittedly, that wasn't a lot.

AndCat It is difficult. When I read the email that said he wondered if it was a mistake, I admit my heart skipped. But I didn't reply because I also knew that it wasn't a mistake. It is a very, very sad truth.

Some of you will remember right at the beginning of this that my biggest problem was that my mother told me no one would ever love me. That I was unloveable. I married someone I knew didn't love me because I believed that I should just be thankful that someone was willing to take me on...

He told me he loved me. I don't think I could bear it if he was just one more person who didn't really.

dont you seem to be really discerning and that's a good thing, like someone else said, your twat radar is clearly working well. That teacher seems creepy.

Bant glad you have met someone so nice, how lovely.

Folk wow, just wow.. having dragged you miles to his home, the least he could have done is ensure it was daytime and that you had the option to leave, and he could have explained himself to your face. He has major issues and you are far too good for him. He is obviously emotionally retarded and playing games, how many times can he end the same relationship, he wants you to beg. Him capitulating and saying he thinks he may of made a mistake, would seem to me to be manipulative. I would assume that he wants you to either beg, or walk away with lots of regrets, and really doubting and hurting. That is cruel.

Hissy what a twat of a man. I just love the way he thinks you are going to be chasing him, so felt the need to be "firm" and "block you" as if you would try to pursue him after that. Conceited.

Jarlin I'm glad you had a nice time with Slow. Why do you think he would panic if you talked about the future. Sometimes its easier to just drop little hints about the future in normal conversation and then gage the reaction. Mr C and I talk about the future in terms of where we want to be, what we shall be doing. At the moment its more a case of talking in terms of us as individuals but we both seem surprised and pleased that we share common goals and aspirations.

I don't have much to report. Mr Contradiction seems to respond positively to my "new emotionally literate self" I'm still reading ! but I have simply decided to make myself vulnerable by being more open, talking more about feelings and experiences rather than my usual pragmatic thinking, banter and sabre rattling over opinions and values. So far so good. He is far more sensitive than me. I showed some weakness and self doubt over something. He looked back at me, very intently and said "you will be just fine, I know it" I don't normally allow people to see that I have any self doubt, I probably seem very confident, but I am glad I feel able to just be myself a little bit more.

Little I won't beg. I wish thing were different, but they're not.

Thanks all re Tinder, I'll look for the 3 dots thing and block that annoying man, and decide whether to delete the app or not. If I delete it though, I'll still be on there won't I? How do I take myself off, does anyone know?

Folk you are lovable and important, I can't believe what your mum said, how utterly damaging, the thing with this man is that it is him who has the problem (being entitled etc), not you, you are lovely and so very giving, he is a fool to end what he had with you.

Jarlin, you still sound insecure about your relationship with Slow. It's lovely that he showed affection in front of his son - I agree that sounds like a big step forward. Why don't you think he would want a future with you?

Little, it sounds as if things are going well with Mr C. I tend to have the opposite problem to you - I'm too emotional, and probably talk about feelings too much!

Folk, it's very difficult to end a relationship when you still have strong feelings for the other person. Although the circumstances were different from yours, I had the same dilemma with Mr C. I really liked him, but ultimately, despite our best efforts, the relationship just wasn't working, so we ended it. I could easily have been tempted to try again, but I was 99% convinced that, a month or so down the line, the problems we had would re-surface and we'd be in the same position again.

I might be wrong but when I took the app off it said it was shutting it down and that all info would be lost.

Jarlin, what happened about him thinking of working abroad? Have I got that right? Why are you reassessing after his holiday?

Folk, just don't walk away thinking "what if" or that he didn't really mean to end it, it was just a series of blunders and circumstances, because that will leave you analysing it all and feeling more hurt. You end up picking apart everything that was said, feeling that if only you had behaved or said something different then it would all have been fine. He isn't mature enough to accept that you have a family and other people in your life. He sounds like a sad man with strange expectations who is likely to remain on his own for good reason. Ultimately, it wasn't about looks but about his expectations that you could be footloose and fancy free like a single twenty something.

THank you Tis

To be honest, he only ended it 'technically'. I'd already ended it by leaving this morning. I woke up and just thought, this is not what I need. I don't need the insecurity or the drama. I don't need someone who's going to ignore me and make me feel like shit. I don't need someone who's going to try and play games and mess with my head because they're feeling insecure.

so yes, he has sent a number of emails to me ending it, but I had already done so - in my head at least...

Jarlin, its about seven months.

AndCat I think women and men are conditioned in such a way that women do undertake the emotional work in a relationship. Of supporting him unconditionally, getting him to open up, talking about "us" and it seems the idea that women seek commitment, men freedom is reinforced everywhere. No wonder the average man avoids commitment, he is told from every which way that is masculine. I think I need lessons in how to be more emotional...please

To be honest, I kind of knew when I went there last night. I drove down every road and saw every landmark thinking, "this is the last time I'm going to see this house"; "this is the last time I'm going to drive down this road"

I kind of suspected it would be over. I was really only going to let him explain or to get closure after what he said earlier in the week.

And I think he was insecure. As was I. And whilst I didn't ever say as much and tried not to let it show in any way, I can't guarantee it didn't affect how I reacted to something, or influence a decision.

I think that, ultimately, the distance and everything were just too much.

Ha, sorry, I've just realised, I'm not actualy talking to anyone. I'm just thinking 'aloud'.

Sorry

Thinking aloud is good, and besides we are hear for you and will listen Intuition is a great thing, we should all learn to listen to it. Thing is, so is hope and positive thinking, and no one really likes to think that the person they are falling for has faults. But I really do think, having read what you have said about him, that he has many faults. Most of us want to share our lives with someone special. The word here is "share". That means them meeting our friends/family, showing an interest in the things we are interested in, supporting us to achieve new things, taking an active role in our social life just as we should share in theirs. That man has no interest in sharing in your life. He wants someone to share his because this new shared existence has to suit him, and him only. Its almost as though he expects an interesting and independent woman to simply dump her old life and adopt his.

here nor hear

Little, believe me, you don't want lessons from me in how to be more emotional. My DS's dad once described me as the most emotional person he'd ever met, and he certainly didn't mean it as a compliment! What you say about women doing the emotional work in a relationship is interesting. I'm not so good at the unconditional support, though - when I didn't like something Mr C said, I would tell him. (Hmmm ... wonders if this is partly why the relationship foundered).

Folk, I agree with what Little says about him not wanting to share your life, but just wanting you to share his. That's just not how relationships work.

Jarlin, such a horrible decision for you: carrying on in a state of uncertainty and not knowing where he sees things heading, or bringing the subject up and potentially hearing something you don't want to hear. I do think that men in general seem to give less thought to the future of a relationship and my guess would be that he's happy as things are and doesn't feel the need for a discussion about the future. It certainly doesn't sound as if he wants to split up with you.

How long does this thread go up to 1000? Please could someone post a link at the end in case I miss it?

You know, just my perspective but I think it's best to avoid conversations about the future. There are no guarantees even when you're married to someone. I think sometimes heavy conversations can make a problem where there needn't be one. Plus if something is going well then you can feel it. Just my opinion but there you are.

Folk, did you say you were doing couch to 5K? I'm hoping to start tomorrow, if I can work out how to download the podcasts.

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