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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating thread 77

999 replies

neiljames77 · 20/07/2014 03:26

Just got in from my holiday and saw that 76 was full. Smile

OP posts:
lottieandmia · 29/07/2014 19:06

Thanks for your comments - you've articulated what I was thinking. Tbh I'm not really looking for a relationship just someone to have adult conversation with and maybe physical intimacy. I find it so hard living with someone else now. But I did feel this was a bit full on. Intellectually this man is good and we get on very well but I think as soon as you feel uncomfortable something's up...

What thread are you talking about by the way? Shock

Hissy · 29/07/2014 19:28

Simple I found that book amazing, it really helped me understand that it really wasn't me, immensely freeing!

You can do the Freedom Programme online, but i'd always recommend you do the 12 course in person, seeing others really helps you see how pathetic and samey these abusers are.

dontcallmehon22 · 29/07/2014 19:55

I'm wondering if I should do the freedom programme. Not sure if I was abused or not.

By the way, if someone constantly (jokingly) puts you down - e.g. criticises the way you dress, your accent, your kissing technique, your social class, your name (it's chavvy apparently), your manners, the way you dance... but it's a kind of sarcastic banter, is that ok? I don't think it is ok but maybe I'm too sensitive. AIBU to cut someone out for this completely?

knittedknickers · 29/07/2014 19:57

Singlesock sorry your close real life people aren't around at the moment. it can be very lonely at times like this. Come and talk on here any time - everyone is so supportive and can really empathise. He is just a tosser and you have to realise you didn't do anything 'wrong'! You didn't go on another date with him because your common sense told you not to x

Hissy · 29/07/2014 21:50

dontcall that behaviour undermines ever single facet of a person. It's designed to hurt them on every level.

It doesn't have to be abusive to be unacceptable. You can rejecto for any single one of those things.

Have a look at the online version and do it! It will help you see what isn't healthy to put up with and what it does to a person.

dontcallmehon22 · 29/07/2014 22:29

I thought so Hissy. That person wasn't even someone I was in a relationship with. We'd been out a few times but I didn't think I had strong enough feelings there, but we were sort of friends. But it didn't feel healthy to me. It would be interspersed with the occasional nice thing and I would retaliate, so I thought it was ok. To clarify: I don't think this person is abusive, but it was unhealthy and I needed to get well clear.

The abusive situation was actually something else. A man I became involved with who declared his love very very quickly but tried to subtly control me and then dumped me when I called him up on it. My ex before him used to shout and swear at me too. I've never been physically attacked though, but I did grow up around domestic abuse/violence, so I wouldn't be amazed if it was affecting my relationships now.

dontcallmehon22 · 29/07/2014 22:41

I'm actually quite proud that all the work I've put in on myself is helping me to recognise that little inner voice that is saying 'this is wrong, you can walk away.'

SingleSock · 29/07/2014 22:47

Just had a phone call with Mr Tall and he seems like a decent enough bloke. Conversation was a bit strained though. Is that usual or have others felt a connection by phone before? Hope we have stuff to talk about on the date now Blush.

minmooch · 30/07/2014 01:14

I dipped my toe into OLD but have decided it's not for me at this moment. I feel too vulnerable and am not ready for the does he doesn't he like me feelings, the inevitable questions of how many kids do I have, etc. I feel slightly foolish. I will let it run it's course with the man I have seen 3 times but I have deleted my account.

Was feeling strong but can feel the doubts creeping in.

Minime85 · 30/07/2014 08:19

Ah minmooch that sounds the best thing then. It is hard all the second guessing all the time and as you say inevitable questions. In time I'm sure u will feel ready.

Mr pof did come over last night and all is right with the world Grin

dontcallmehon22 · 30/07/2014 08:36

That sounds a good plan minmooch.

Minime glad all is going well with Mr Pof.

Mr Teacher messaged me last night with a lovely song he wants me to listen to.

On a separate note, Mr Poet, a wannabe novelist who I've been texting since April (but will never meet) has created a character based on me in his book. He sent me an extract where he was fawning over my magnificence Blush.

lottieandmia · 30/07/2014 08:52

Thanks for posting the link. I said to him that any kind of expectation on me at this early stage of having met someone was making me feel vulnerable and he was very apologetic. He seems to be getting a bit carried away I think.

I completely agree with others that anyone who puts you down at all should not be given the time of day. If he's doing this now, what will he been like when you've been together a while?? The last relationship I had was with someone who put me down a lot and it was really horrible and made me feel utterly miserable. He undermined me every way he could including telling me all his friends were better parents than I was. It was all designed to make him feel superior because he was very insecure.

dontcallmehon22 · 30/07/2014 09:02

Sounds like you dealt with that well, lottie

The thing is, we weren't in a relationship - but why would I want a 'friend' who continually puts me down? It is all about the other person wanting to feel superior, obviously because they actually feel inferior to me. I remembered that I ended up throwing away a coat and a pair of jeans because this person said they were horrible.

lottieandmia · 30/07/2014 09:34

Dontcallme - I am sorry you had that experience. You are right, even if it's a friend, nobody needs anyone in their life who is a source of negativity and puts their issues onto you.

I used to have some serious trouble with boundaries. I would let people push it and get away with things that I didn't really want them to do. I think that I am now happy to say 'no' if I'm not comfortable with something. Which is probably due to the psychotherapy I've had.

louby44 · 30/07/2014 10:24

People who put you down are just low lifes!! My exP tried it but didn't succeed; I have a feeling he did it with his exW until she'd had enough.

Feeling a bit pissed off (again - ha what's new) about the whole OLD thing. I'm chatting to a few guys but none of them 'do it' for me.

Mr Saucy continues to be just that! Lots of flirting/pics of him semi nude/and the rest.....Blush but I want more than that. I need intelligence and stimulating conversation. I don't know what his motives are but if he asks me out it's going to be on my terms! I doubt he will though.

I'm in daily contact (text/phone) with a guy I started talking to on Tinder in March. This guy is/was 6 stone overweight and we did meet for a brief drink in June! His pics were 3 years old on Tinder and he admitted he'd not told me the whole truth. I do like him though, he makes me laugh and is on my intellectual wave length. He is losing weight and wants to take me out for dinner in Nov/Dec time when he's got down to his ideal weight! Who knows??

I'm just enjoying being with my kids, friends and reading a good book! If a man comes along....so be it!

Minime85 · 30/07/2014 16:05

Dontcall I'm liking the sound of mr teacher. How come you won't meet mr poet?

dontcallmehon22 · 30/07/2014 16:30

Mr poet suggested meeting, I agreed and it never actually happened. I've accepted that it's not going to happen. To be honest, in some pictures he's sent, I don't find him as attractive as I thought, so I'm happy with our text friendship.

Feeling guilty. It is never ok for a man you don't know that well to tell you your jeans don't fit well around your hips, your coat has seen better days, your car is crap, you need him to teach you how to kiss properly, you should dance more slowly like the girls he once saw in Brazil, you should have better manners like he does...etc. I feel bad, but I'd have ended up with a complex. No man has ever complained before Hmm. I just thought...if I'm that awful, don't continue to contact me! Oh and my name sounds like I should be on the Gypsy wedding programme, it's a bit chavvy. Oh but he's only joking...!

Fuck that.

gooeycookie · 30/07/2014 16:51

Hi all, what would you make of this?
Mr Nerdy-Beardy hasn't text since Sunday, although he does seem keen to see me again. It's his birthday today & I was going to text a 'Happy Birthday' message but have seen him online on POF in the meantime. Hmm
Why can he be online but not send me a quick 'hi, how are you?' Text? Do I still send a bday one?
I know I'm being ridiculous, not to mention a little hypocritical!, but I felt sad he was online... I'm being ridiculous aren't I?

lottieandmia · 30/07/2014 17:29

He sounds like an utter twat Dontcallme - really awful.

Minime85 · 30/07/2014 18:10

Dontcall who has said all that? That's awful behaviour, what a twat.

Gooey send it. Smile

Hissy · 30/07/2014 18:41

So..

Yup, hate the sentences that start with 'so..' too, sorry! :)

Internet Dating - first dates round - week 2

First Date 3: tonight. An an actual restaurant. I am extremely hopeful that tonight I will actually eat. With another person, and not on my own or not at all.

First Date 1: last week. Mr RockGod. I was very excited to meet this guy, but negative, moany, and no eye contact. Tells me that i'm clearly thinking he's not interested so am showing him i'm not interested. I told him how he'd not looked at me, nor engaged with me at all. He said he did find me attractive, which came as a surprise, as did the snog. Had di actually been expecting a snog, I may have reconsidered the whitebait I had. As a starter only, on my own as he chose NOT to eat in the end cos he didn't fancy anything on the menu.

Next.

First Date 2: this week. Despite inviting me for lunch, which changed to dinner as I work ft in a different town, when we arrived at said pub, when I asked if he'd like to see the menu, he said no, i'll not be eating, but you can if you want to.

Yeah right.

Then picked his fingers and his face (dry skin) very funny , good company, but no 'oomph'

As I said, 3rd time lucky tonight? I doubt it.

FolkGirl · 30/07/2014 19:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeforeAndAfter · 30/07/2014 19:27

Folk that's just wrong. I could not accept that. I'm so sorry - I did not see that coming at all. I think numb is the best word. I would be just numb and reeling in your shoes.

Hissy · 30/07/2014 19:28

No, folkgirl, that's not a life! Please trust your instincts and know that your hobbies and interests are as much a part of you as your arm, or your leg.

There isn't any future in that relationship at all. I am sorry. It's shit, but better you know now. :(

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