Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

DH suggested I put this to you lot. What do you think?

(423 Posts)
AntideluvianCat Fri 25-Jul-14 11:43:35

I'm going to try to keep this as neutral as possible, as it seems DH and I both completely believe we're in the right, despite our opposing views. Also going to try not to drip feed.

We've been together two years, married just over a year. We both have DDs from previous relationships. Mine (12) lives with us and goes to see her dad overnight at the weekend; his (13) stays two nights a week. My DD has some SEN, and coupled with the hormonal chaos of being 12, can be quite hard work. I also work 25 hours a week in a job that I love, but that can also be stressful and a bit overwhelming (social work).

A couple of months ago, DH told me that if I won't dress up for sex - ie. stockings, suspenders, thong, basque, whatever - he can't see any point in our relationship continuing. I was absolutely flabberghasted. It was like being kicked in the head. He did apologise, and we patched things up a bit, but he keeps coming back to the same thing every time we have words. He says that it would make him feel wanted and appreciated, that he is constantly giving to me, and that I give nothing back.

Thing is, I DO want and appreciate him. I love him. I'm so glad we found each other, at this relatively late stage in life (I'm 40, he's 50). But I find the weekdays hard, when DD is playing up and I'm exhausted from work and the constant bloody grind of housework and organising everything. As consequence, sex tends to happen at the weekends. I'd say we probably have sex a couple of times at the weekend, and sometimes, but not always, once during the week.

The funny thing is, that at the weekends when I'm relaxed and can focus on us rather than everybody else, I do dress up for him, and am happy to do so. I really enjoy it, and love the effect it has on him. This morning, during yet another argument about this, I reminded him of this, but he said it doesn't count because I'm only doing it under duress. I'm not doing it under duress, but it seems I can't win. He is insistant that I should - on say, a Tuesday evening, when I've been at work, then come home and have been running around doing domestic chores and coping with / helping / monitoring / disciplining DD til 9.30pm, I should pop on some saucy underwear and adopt the sex kitten persona. But I don't want anyone to make anymore demands on mme. It's all I can do to crawl into bed and read for half an hour.

In the interests of balance, I should add that DH has more money than me and props me up a bit financially, which I'm incredibly grateful for and regularly tell him so. He does most of the washing up, hoovers the house once a week, cleans the bathrooms, does any gardening, and helps me with DD a lot. I have quite high standards domestically (but not ridiculous - I only clean once a week and change beds every 7 - 10 days), and am very tidy. Being tidy helps me feel on top of things, and I make no apology for it. DH says that he likes my standards, but doesn't really help to maintain them. I feel that I tidy up after him a lot.

An example: He eats a lot of biscuits. I have asked him to use a plate for these, as otherwise I have to clear up his crumbs. He refuses; thinks I'm being ridiculous. I got a telling off a couple of weeks ago for asking his DD to eat off a plate too. I've tried to explain to him that this little thing could actually help with the sex thing - I wouldn't feel so resentful having to clear up after him all the time. But it is just dismissed. He actually said to me this morning (and I quote) " we should have high standards domestically, and high standards in the bedroom" shock

Your goign to tell me to LTB aren't you? sad

rollonthesummer Fri 25-Jul-14 11:47:48

He sounds like an arse!

TurboWithAKick Fri 25-Jul-14 11:48:49

Yep, cos he isn't going to change. He might,possibly start using a plate, but you can't change what's in his mind or the way he sees women

ChaChaChaChanges Fri 25-Jul-14 11:50:22

You might find my current thread interesting:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2133502-Is-my-marriage-in-crisis

Twitterqueen Fri 25-Jul-14 11:53:38

make him dress up as a butler and insist that the only way you can feel sexy is by lying on a sofa with a glass of something nice, watching him hoover and dust and polish..... Then and only then can you get in the mood...

He's an arse.

however Fri 25-Jul-14 11:55:19

He sounds really immature.

Not the requesting dress ups thing, I mean, whatever floats your boat.....but the pouting and threats of ending the relationship when you don't do it midweek. It's kind of laughable really, if it wasn't so sad.

Slumberparty Fri 25-Jul-14 11:55:38

So he moans at you for not dressing up, then when you dress up he moans that you're only doing it because he wanted you to..... WTF? You can't win this one.
My DP likes me to dress up, I can't really be arsed with it so only do it about once a year. He accepts that because he's not an entitled knob!

MildDrPepperAddiction Fri 25-Jul-14 11:56:22

He's a dick. No real advice. LTB?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Jul-14 11:56:30

It really doesn't sound like a relationship you want to take much further. He demands you dress up, makes a fuss when you don't and somehow because he props you up financially, there's a quid pro quo that you do as you're told? I'd tell him to take his 'high standards in the bedroom' elsewhere... hmm

Shockers Fri 25-Jul-14 11:56:56

If you do the housework, you are more than within your rights to ask people to use plates. He should not be 'telling you off' for treating his DD as you do your own.

I would personally be hurt if my DH insisted I dressed and acted as though I were in a soft porn film, but you say you enjoy the effect it has on him, so you are doing it for both of you. To do it when only he wants it is different.

The bit where you say he brings more money in makes me uncomfortable... this should have no bearing whatsoever on what you do in the bedroom unless you are on the game.

gamerchick Fri 25-Jul-14 11:58:17

Tell him to knob off and if he brings it up again you won't dress up ever again for him.

sweetheart Fri 25-Jul-14 11:58:20

Tell him to effing well grow up FFS! He's lucky he gets sex as much as he does! Dressing up is for toddlers - which he sounds like he is!

I hope your husband does read these replies

He is a selfish fucker. Quite honestly, he is at the very least being sexually selfish, at worst abusive. Putting pressure on someone like that is the least sexy thing you can do to someone. Who the hell does he think he is?

If my husband did this to me I would seriously question the type of person he is

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Jul-14 11:59:00

This is addressed at the OP's DH. Stop watching porn.... it's ruining your relationship with your DW.

You sound like you have a quite active sex life and when you are relaxed at the weekend you enjoy the mutual fantasy. However your OH doesn't seem to understand that a huge amount of getting in the mood for many women is in the mind. If he did understand this, he would realise that a simple thing (like using a plate) is actually fore-foreplay iyswim.

Get a grip OP's OH (as you will be reading this I assume) and stop being so selfish.

themonsteratemyspacebaragain Fri 25-Jul-14 11:59:40

I never answer questions in relationships but to me it seems like he likes to objectify women. He is basically saying he only gets off properly if you are dressed like that.

Don't even need to say that this is probably down to watching too much porn, so that is the only level now that he can get off if you dress in such a way. (I see nothing wrong with watching porn in moderation btw).

Also using it as a threat to you that if you don't then the relationship will end? Controlling and emotional blackmail much? Tell him to fuck off. He can then go and have a relationship with his hand and his perfect girls all dressed up on the screen.

Bruins Fri 25-Jul-14 11:59:59

He thinks that you owe him. He should of bought a nice little Thai bride, she might have been more grateful.

Everybodyleaves Fri 25-Jul-14 12:00:20

Eh....as he is insisting you dress up mid-week and you don't want to / are too tired (understandably!), isn't that also "under duress" and therefore also "doesn't count"?!?!?!?

I agree with rollon tbh!

Surely he could a) use a plate b) be a bit more tidy both of which would indeed help you feel less tired during the week and c) look forward to the weekends when you do want to dress up so he'd have a more happy and relaxed partner?? He's being pretty unreasonable from what you've said.

DH - be careful what you ask for, as you might not like the answer!!

emotionsecho Fri 25-Jul-14 12:00:59

My flabber is gasted too.

You have said you do dress up for sex some of the time imo that is perfectly fair and reasonable. Are his needs/wants the only ones that count?

If the roles were reversed would he dress up for you every time you wanted sex?

The biscuit/housework thing is a totally separate issue.

mammadiggingdeep Fri 25-Jul-14 12:02:08

How are you supposed to feel sexy dressing up for somebody who has told you that unless you do it, he doesn't want a relationship?? Not much of a turn on for you is it?!

Everybodyleaves Fri 25-Jul-14 12:02:08

Lol twitterqueen that's excellent advice!!

ContinentalKat Fri 25-Jul-14 12:02:34

It sounds like you are in some kind of tit-for-tat vicious cycle. He won't use a plate when he eats biscuits, you won't dress up for him...

I think you need to think about the foundation of your relationship and both let go a bit and lower your standards.

You accept crumbs on the sofa, he accepts sex without the dressing up and I am trying very hard here not to be judgemental

CrystalSkulls Fri 25-Jul-14 12:02:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

noddyholder Fri 25-Jul-14 12:03:22

God he sounds unbearable I would walk He is calling all the shots.

sunbathe Fri 25-Jul-14 12:03:30

My first reaction to him was fuck right off.

Who the hell does he think he is?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now