Dating thread 77

[neiljames77]

Just got in from my holiday and saw that 76 was full.

Folk After reading your posts about him on here I am surprised that he has these resentments. Doesn't want to be involved in your life?! Not worth travelling to see you?! Doesn't want to share you?! It doesn't seem to fit with his other behaviour and him loving you. I can see why you are confused. No advice as I am just not good at relationships and I overthink constantly too.

Before - no, I didn't see it coming either. I'm just stunned!

Hissy - Oh, don't worry. Given the choice between my friends and hobbies, and him, they would win everytime. All those things that I do and those people I know, they are me. I agree that there's no future in it. What would that even look like!

giggly you and me both! He doesn't want to stop me doing things/havin these friends, he just doesn't want to hear about it/be involved. Bizarre. I feel a bit like a doll!

Oh folk I agree with giggly I really didn't see that from other things he has said and done. What a shock for you. I'm sure it wasn't long ago that he said about getting more involved in your life? Sounds like jealously in part and very tunnel vision about living someone and the life they have outside of u. Don't think unfortunately I have any advice, what did you say after he had said all of this?

Folk That is so weird - what are you supposed to talk about when you do see him? The weather?!That isn't a relationship. Really had high hopes that he would be a good one and a thread success. Does he want you to be involved with his life / friends?

I am totally freaking out about my relationship and overthinking everything. No one to ask in real life so I am just going in circles.

Mini Ah well he said he wanted a 'future' with me. Not that he wanted to be more involved in my life... I think I/we just assumed that's what he meant because, for most people, that is what it would mean. I've no idea what he thought it would mean!

I didn't say anything much. I did address a couple of things and put him staight on a couple of things where he'd completely got the wrong end of the stick. He agreed that he'd misunderstood on those issues (not ones I've mentioned here), but he stuck to his guns on everything else. To be honest, I didn't know what to say!

He said he felt better for telling me and that we should talk more because that's the only way to make a relationship stronger and move it forward.

He resents you because he spends all his free time with you???? So what about the other 13 free nights in between visits - it's not as if he's sitting there texting you all night. That's bollocks.

I definitely don't buy that he's sitting at home watching films while actively resenting you for having built a good life for yourself and none of his resentment spills over when he sees you? Sorry Folk but I think it's a deflection tactic.

giggly I don't know!

We're supposed to be going away this weekend. I don't think I want to. Just want to be on my own and think about things. Just try and get my head round it. Not sure if it's even worth trying to talk to him about it.

I don't know what to think, Before. But it's not right. That's for sure.

But no, it's not like he's sat texting/emailing me. In fact, I hear from him very little. I think it's a case of out of sight out of mind. Or he's just incredibly lazy and insular and when I'm there, I'm everything, and when I'm there I'm everything and when I'm not, well, I'm not.

To be totally blunt there is no relationship for him to strengthen. Exactly how would he strengthen and develop a fortnightly visit? Or is this where you follow his script and sack your children and friends and spend every night commuting to his place to watch DVDs....

There is one thing that is absolutely not in question here: it's not you Folk it's him; it's very much him.

Folk I'm shocked at that. Yes, in the early days of a relationship you want to be in your own private little bubble, but for a relationship to progress, and for you to have a 'future' you have to get involved in each other's lives! I guess that's why he bailed out of your brother's party.

What are you going to do? Do whatever is best for your own sanity. When I first jumped back into the dating world the relationship your BF just described was what I wanted. When I met my now BF that's what we had, and that's what the set-up was. But after a while it's just not satisfying, so I ended it for my own mental health. I hated the fact that so much would be going on in my life and I didn't feel like I could talk to him about it. He then realised what he had lost and came back but as a proper relationship. I think these casual arrangements can only go on for so long. There's no 'future' in them at all.

He sounds a million miles beneath u and massively removed from the realities of a real relationship folk. I'm so sorry.

Dont what's up?

Sorry I meant giggly

He's sounding breathtakingly and monumentally selfish.

For him not to have leaked resentment either through body language or sarcastic comments then he must have a terrifyingly high level of self-control. That would worry me.

Alternatively, he just doesn't give a fuck. That would worry me.

Either way I would rather spend the weekend eating doughnuts and chocolate than with him.

I wouldn't go folk. I'm still so surprised so goodness knows how u are feeling

folk I do not know what to say. He seemed to be saying / doing all the right things up until this. He must have other free time that he doesn't spend with you if you only see him every other weekend. Surely part of a relationship is talking about what is going on in your life!

Minime85 I don't know if I am over reacting or it is just insecurity but I was tidying some cupboards at my BF's house and found a card that a girlfriend gave him. We haven't talked about previous relationships and he doesn't throw stuff out often but why keep something if it doesn't mean anything?! I know he has a past and he is older than me but I feel like I compare badly to however many ex girlfriends he has had. And it feels like he has done everything before with other people.

Wow, Folk, I don't know what to say.
He is being completely unrealistic, being in a relationship means becoming involved in each other's lives, friends and families... Christmases, birthdays, nights out etc...
How did you leave it? Sending you hugs x

Oh folk I don't know what to make of that. I hope there's a way you can talk about it and he sees sense. He seemed so perfect.

Thinking of you, I remember your support when I split up with geeky x

Giggly I wouldn't worry too much about a card. Like u say the thing is about dating, and I don't know how old u are, but at say 37 (me) is we all come with at least one past! I still have all my wedding photos and they aren't on display but are in cupboards and things. I also have a valentines card I got from a particular boyfriend when I was 13 and I will never part with it. Ever. It means too much and I was only 13! I hate to think mr pof has a past but I know he does and try not to compare myself to them. Although it's not always easy

Folk I'm sorry to hear of your upset. Tbh I just think that a lot of people who use online dating have issues. As parents we have a decent excuse I have only met one person and already that seems complicated.

Folk, so sorry to hear about this - that just sounds so weird to me too. Sorry got nothing useful to add - just feel for you, no wonder you feel numb.

Mini - really glad you had a fab night with Mr PoF - hope it's made you regain confidence in the relationship.

Louby - I've got to ask, what type of 'saucy' pics is Mr Saucy sending - pictures of his c*ck??! Obviously ignore me if I'm being too nosy!!

Yes, Lottie I'm starting to think all the people who do OLD are weird...obviously that doesn't apply to all the people on this thread. Just all the rest of them!

Oh yes, I'm completely normal

I'm also really sorry to hear of this turn of events Folk . I wonder now if your gut has been telling you something all this time and that's why you've been feeling a bit insecure maybe? I'm starting to be a big believer in gut instinct. If only I knew how to listen properly .

Speaking of which, Mr Tall has taken heed and respected my need not to be texted constantly. However, he told me on the phone that his last relationship ended because he had an affair. I appreciate his honesty but I don't know if this is a red flag? Obviously given that my ex was a serial cheat, I don't want to get with another. Would it be really inappropriate to question him over this in a first date? Not interrogate exactly but ask if he would do it again? Don't know if I should go there .

Hello all, just checking in... I decided I needed not to think about dating for a little bit and have just been enjoying being me... Still have lonely moments but had a jolly good time (albeit with too much alcohol).

Folk I don't know know what to say. It sounds like such a change from your previous posts. I wish I knew what to suggest as he has obviously been / done / said all good things up until now...

Hope everyone is doing ok. I'm still not liking being single but can't handle dating just now. My Decree Nisi arrived yesterday though - whoopie!!!

Congratulations on the decree Nisi BigBird . Will you celebrate when your Absolute comes through do you think?

I've still got to initiate divorce proceedings but not sure when. I kind of want to wait for the two year separation with agreement grounds but have another year left for that. My sister is also getting divorced so we're going to have a joint reverse hen party .