Is my marriage in crisis?

[ChaChaChaChanges]

I am married, we have children together, and I am currently in turmoil. I suspect I am being ridiculous.

DH and I have been together for almost ten years. We met when I was married to someone else (he was single at the time). We had an affair, and I left my first husband for now DH.

I fell unexpectedly pregnant 7 years ago. There was never any question that we would keep our baby. However, I developed suicidal PND, which I didn't seek help for. (DH and I both thought that everyone gets the baby blues, and DH in particular was very keen not to cause worry for our families by seeking help or telling anyone about it.)

After 18 months my PND improved and we conceived our second DC (planned). Sadly, I again got suicidal PND. This time I insisted on seeking help, and was on ADs for 2 years. I came off the ADs in Summer 2012. I wonder if I am getting depressed again.

Since DC2 was born, I have felt that I love DH but am no longer in love with DH. I have had to make myself have sex with DH, and have not enjoyed it 'once I was into it'. I haven't hated it either, but I got no pleasure from it. I would prefer not to.

I thought that that was enough. That we could effectively parent together, live together, make a life together as best friends. However, over time I have found that we have less and less in common, and some of the things he does are making me very resentful (leaving the bulk of housework to me despite us both working FT; putting his career ahead of mine; various bodily things like scratching himself and picking his nose in front of me that turn my stomach; he's a wind up merchant, generally at my expense; even his crappy jokes irritate me now).

To give him credit where it's due, he is at heart a kind, decent man. He loves me very much (he says). He tries to make me happy. He takes on equal child-caring responsibilities at the weekend (I do the vast majority during the week because he's at work; I get up at 4 each morning to get work done before the children wake because I simply can't get all my work done in core hours whereas he can work as late as he wants), he does the garden, he loves our children very much, he lets me have a bath each weekend evening while he does bedtime, he cooks the dinner most evenings when he's home (sometimes he has dinner with clients or colleagues).

I recently met someone. He has no interest in me whatsoever - the feelings are entirely on my side (I have a thread in Chat about it if anyone wants to look). However, it has thrown the issues in my marriage into sharp relief.

I don't know what to do. Do I muddle on with DH, keeping the family together? It would be largely for his benefit and for the children. Do I push again for marriage counselling (which DH has in the past refused)? Do I tell him I'm unhappy?

Any advice would be most appreciated.

Anything else this cunt does that you want to get out there ?

But he ask you an impossible task by refusing to take ANY responsibility in the day to day run of the house.
He is making you exhausted and run down. Probably also depressed by putting you down constantly (you aren't a good enough parent, your work is easy/not worth it whereas his is really hard).
He is putting himself first wo a thought for you.

Apart from that, he is a nice bloke that shouldn't be separated from his dcs...

Honestly, see my post before and what I did with my DH. If he hadn't stepped up and taken responsibility, I would have left knowing I had done everything I could to save our family and he didn't want to.
You've tried to make him take some responsibility for 2(!) things and he refused it.
You can try again but he refuses again, then what? Is it still your responsibility? When are you going to say that you've tried enough and you are giving up?

Well I agree to an extent with Happy. Earning all that money should enable a good quality of life. Something isn't allowing that but I don't think it is just the husband. The OP is putting a lot of pressure on herself. OP you can leave you know. And you also don't need to do a load of washing every day. You dont need to run your H a bath. You need to stop getting up at 4am.
I'm a single mum. My DS and i currentlyleave the flat at 7.45 and we get home at 6.15 or 6.30. It's hard. It's boring. It's not uncommon. It's how you deal with the stress that makes a difference. I kicked my DP out cuz he wasn't helpful enough but it's still hard and I now realise he was quite helpful. I think you're depressed and maybe think you made the wrong decision but feel you have to stick by it.

He wants a list before he goes to the shops. And he forgot the bins

How old is he, OP? That's behaviour my DS displayed when he was 15 ...

I feel so sorry for you. It's easy for us to say: Sit him down, divide up the home work - including all the "wifework" like remembering to pay the cleaner - and then let him take the consequences of his "forgetting". But I know how difficult that is, when you want to run a smooth & comfortable house. It seems easier to do it all yourself.

The kicker for me is that he considers your career as less important than his, even when you earn more?

You cant save this marriage on your own!!!

You have already tried everything and he did nothing. HE. DOESNT. CARE.

He doesnt give a toss how you feel, what you do, whether you are ill, he just cares about himself and how he looks to other people.

Why can you not accept that no matter what you do, he will not step up and help save your marriage? He hasnt so far, one more chance wont change that. He knows you dont want your marriage to fail and is banking on that to stop you leaving.

Hows this then. You leave, or kick him out, for a month. Tell him he can only come back if he agrees to change and work with you on this. That he must keep it up, not slip back within a month or so otherwise he is out for good. Give him the shock of seperation, THEN give him his chance?

If if I deprive my children of having their father at home, I need to be able to say that we tried everything

I'm sure you will have tried everything. I'm not hopeful the 'we' will happen though.

I think he will be astonished and outraged at the very suggestion that he should pull his weight equally, and it will all be your fault. You will be a crap wife that needs wife classes along with parenting classes.

Charley I agree about putting a lot of pressure on herself. But then the reality is that when you are the only person in charge of running the house, you do put a lot of pressure on yourself.

You get up at 6.15, the OP does 2 hours of work before hand so it makes sense that she gets up at 4.00am.
Of course, you can say that she shouldn't be working these hours but the reality is:
1- she has a job in the city that requires a lot of hours but she is sole charge of the dcs so is responsible to be back home early so the dcs actually see a parent before bedtime. He DH also has a similar job but thinks he can afford NOT to be home for his dcs bedtime as someone else is going to that (guess what? Yes the OP). 2 people in similar jobs but it's the OP that has to make all the concessions.
2- she is working full time and is doing all the hw and parenting whilst he is doing nil. If he was helping and get his arse up in the am, she wouldn't have to do as much and would probably be less stressed and less run down.
3- all responsibilty for the situation is all the OP. None of his. Bollocks! In any sitaution like this, both partners are responsible. The OP is responsible to get more assertive, defining her boundaries as to what is acceptable or not and being careful not to run herself down. His is to start to stop be 'the king of the manor' and start to do some work for the family instead of being served. To start respecting his dw and supporting her in her role as a mum and as professional. To recognise her hard work. And to start loving her.
because love is a verb and it only has meaning if you actually act as if you love that person. It starts by caring that your partner is run down and see what you can do to help them. It starts by wanting to support them, being proud of their achievement, to want to work as a team. I haven't seen ANY of that here.

How do you feel when he makes 'jokes at your expense' OP?

I can see why your parents don't like him.

Congratulations OP, you've got yourself a ManChild.

You earn a six figure salary, you can't be stupid so you must be brainwashed.

Why on earth are you running a bath for a grown man??? I have NEVER run a bath for anybody apart from my DC when they were tots.

Seriously, you are going to put yourself into an early grave if you keep up this ridiculous routine. You HAVE to offload some chores to him. For your own sanity.

Onedream - I agree. You have put it really clearly.

Oh my god, OP. You had me at "he expects me to get up at 4-fucking-a.m. whilst I am on my holiday to clear the backlog of work created by the fact that he prioritises his work over family every day".

Are. You. Kidding. Me.

He won't do online shopping? No problem - he can sod off to the supermarket on his own.
He can't work a tumble drier? Can he drive? Work a smartphone? If yes, he can work a tumble drier.
He gets both lie ins because 'he's not a morning person' - welcome to having children, fuckwit.
He 'lets' you have a bath - what a prince.
He basically coerced you into not seeking treatment for severe PND, in order to save face with his parents.

You MUST get more sleep, particularly if you think your depression is returning. Practically that means you and your husband need to take turns doing the evening stuff with the children. And you probably need to increase the nanny's morning hours if you can so you can shoot off to work earlier.

As for running his bath - words fail. Is he 6? WHY would you do this??

Honestly? I wish your colleague had said yes to your text because it sounds like you need even a smidgen of joy in your life.

Ok that's mostly a joke, but not as much of one as your OH is. Seriously, he is sending you on a parenting course???? Can you return the favour and send him on a housekeeping course? Difference is he needs it and you don't. I really hope things improve for you OP. although I agree with the poster who said your employer is taking the piss if you are doing 10hours unpaid overtime a week.

It's telling that you started your OP telling us you'd left a former husband for this man. How much of this is driven by you thinking you've made your bed and now have to lie in it? Is there residual guilt? Because that was a long time ago - things have moved on.

Yes. Stop running his fucking bath, for a start! How old is he, six?!

"He's not a morning person?" How many of us are? But we still have to get up and get on with things.

I'm not surprised in the slightest that you don't want to sleep with him.

Actually, your setup reminds me a little of the woman in "I don't know how she does it." Except that her husband pulled his weight and seemed like a nice bloke.

Oops, x post with trib!

When you gave all those excuses as to why your husband couldn't help you out more, I thought you were joking. You're not, are you?

I assumed that she was just telling us what his answer would be to all those questions.

My chin hit the floor halfway through the list.

No, I think she has accepted that crap as valid excuses for not engaging in family life for so long she now believes them to be valid herself

Thank you for all your comments. I truly mean that.

We are on holiday until Saturday. I have no intention of taking any actions while we are away; it would be unfair on my children and my in-laws.

I do, however, intend to use the time to think in much more detail about what you have all said. I will be taking action when we return. And I will come back to this thread over the weekend to let you know what I am doing, and update you on how it goes.

Bloody hell OP, I can completely understand why you are at breaking point! As others have said, your 'D'H has done a complete number on you, and is acting like a spoilt man-child who won't (not can't, won't) step up and support his partner. Not only is he setting you up to fail, but when something does happen, he then gets to step up and criticize you for it. I think you said you have 2 children in your original post? May I suggest that you are actually the single mother of three children.

I think that at the very least he needs to step up and come home early two nights a week so that you can finish off your work.

My Dh has a senior role in a City firm and initially seemed to think this was impossible - but he did step up and do it when I was doing a postgrad. course and, surprisingly enough, nothing bad happened!

Also, don't ask for this stuff to happen - just do it.

Good luck, OP

One thing to consider is that there's been almost universal opinion on here that your DH is not pulling his weight, and that you are in some ways being abused and exploited.

I think that one of your main challenges will be to be able to accept that you've been put in this position. It's tough to have to start thinking of yourself as a "victim" of exploitation and/or abuse, particularly when you are professionally a high flyer.

But take it from this stranger on the internet: you sound awesome! It's your DH who's the utter loser.

What is so wrong with running a bath for someone?

DH and I run each other baths all the time.....

I think you are rather missing the point there...