Is my marriage in crisis?

[ChaChaChaChanges]

I am married, we have children together, and I am currently in turmoil. I suspect I am being ridiculous.

DH and I have been together for almost ten years. We met when I was married to someone else (he was single at the time). We had an affair, and I left my first husband for now DH.

I fell unexpectedly pregnant 7 years ago. There was never any question that we would keep our baby. However, I developed suicidal PND, which I didn't seek help for. (DH and I both thought that everyone gets the baby blues, and DH in particular was very keen not to cause worry for our families by seeking help or telling anyone about it.)

After 18 months my PND improved and we conceived our second DC (planned). Sadly, I again got suicidal PND. This time I insisted on seeking help, and was on ADs for 2 years. I came off the ADs in Summer 2012. I wonder if I am getting depressed again.

Since DC2 was born, I have felt that I love DH but am no longer in love with DH. I have had to make myself have sex with DH, and have not enjoyed it 'once I was into it'. I haven't hated it either, but I got no pleasure from it. I would prefer not to.

I thought that that was enough. That we could effectively parent together, live together, make a life together as best friends. However, over time I have found that we have less and less in common, and some of the things he does are making me very resentful (leaving the bulk of housework to me despite us both working FT; putting his career ahead of mine; various bodily things like scratching himself and picking his nose in front of me that turn my stomach; he's a wind up merchant, generally at my expense; even his crappy jokes irritate me now).

To give him credit where it's due, he is at heart a kind, decent man. He loves me very much (he says). He tries to make me happy. He takes on equal child-caring responsibilities at the weekend (I do the vast majority during the week because he's at work; I get up at 4 each morning to get work done before the children wake because I simply can't get all my work done in core hours whereas he can work as late as he wants), he does the garden, he loves our children very much, he lets me have a bath each weekend evening while he does bedtime, he cooks the dinner most evenings when he's home (sometimes he has dinner with clients or colleagues).

I recently met someone. He has no interest in me whatsoever - the feelings are entirely on my side (I have a thread in Chat about it if anyone wants to look). However, it has thrown the issues in my marriage into sharp relief.

I don't know what to do. Do I muddle on with DH, keeping the family together? It would be largely for his benefit and for the children. Do I push again for marriage counselling (which DH has in the past refused)? Do I tell him I'm unhappy?

Any advice would be most appreciated.

DH can't help in the morning because he's not a morning person. If he has a shower rather than a bath then he uses the extra time for dozing, not with the DCs.

He can't unload the dishwasher because he puts it on last thing at night.

He can't hang the washing out on the line because it's too dark, and he can't put it in the tumble dryer because he can't work it.

He can't get home early no matter how busy I am because I've been in my job for almost 20 years so am allowed flexible working, whereas he's been with his employer for 3 years and is still proving himself.

I've had to be away for work in the past and returned home to chaos. Notes from the cleaner pointing out that I didn't leave out her money, or DH's shirts for ironing. The cat unfed and the litter tray unchanged. Over spilling washing basket. Bins not put out. And DH smuggly pointing out how well he coped working the abbreviated hours I work day in day out, and how hard he had to work in the evening to keep up... He says he tries to remember all the things that need doing but forgets, even when I text reminders (and having to text reminders kind of negates the point of going away).

I don't actually want out nanny to start any earlier because I don't want the boys to forget who their parents are. DH is a complete Disney Dad at weekends - we have to be taking the children to exciting places to make up for bit seeing them during the week - so I have to be the bad guy saying no, we need to do the weekly shopping instead of going to soft play (and DH refuses to get shopping delivered because he thinks the veg are crap if he can't chose them himself).

I can't leave more for our nanny - the jobs aren't in her job description. She's as far from a jobsworth as she could be, but any nanny who is engaged to look after children gets fed up with doing jobs for the parents. I've explained this to DH over and over, but he doesn't agree.

Oh, and he won't eat salads. Batch cooking is possible, and we do it sometimes, but I still have to be the one to remember to get the ingredients in, and then cook, and then cool, and then portion, and then freeze.

I'm so fucking tired.

Re the comment about leopards not changing their spots, it's an entirely fair observation.

But, other than one occasion when I was off my face drunk (and that was the first time in 15 odd years), I have absolutely no intention of having an affair. I treated my first husband appallingly. I know I did. And I promised that I would never do that again. I won't do that again.

Texting my colleague was a humiliating, crass, stupid, childish thing to do. I have apologised to him, and it will not happen again. Ever.

In the nicest possible way, I think you are making a lot of excuses for him.

If he has a problem with delivered veg, then he can buy it elsewhere himself. Take some of the power back! Shop online for your sanity.

If he can operate a phone and a computer, he can learn how to use the tumble dryer.

How old are the children? Do you want them to follow his domestic example?

Can you ditch the 2 hour paid work you do in the morning or is this overspill from your 9-5 role?

Have you discussed with your OH that you just want to parent and live together as 'best friends' or is he oblivious?

Do you feel he has respect for you?

"he won't" he will, if he wants to

"he can't" he can, if he wants to

"won't eat salads" he will, if he doesn't want to starve

"he is not a morning person" if he wanted to, he could change his habits, people with families mostly do

"he can't organise things" he pretends not to be able to and lets chaos ensue if trusted with stuff so that you won't expect it of him again. Does he fuck things up at work, or does he hold down a responsible job ? Then yes, he could manage a household, he just doesn't want to

he could contribute to family life much, more more he just doesn't want to

no wonder that, for one stupid moment, you thought the grass might be greener elsewhere...the fact is, it very probably would be if you were married to a decent bloke

Your previous affair is a red herring here. You don't like your H because he is not acting like a partner - he is leaving you to do all the thinking and most of the doing. You will inevitably feel resentful of someone who is opting out of the necessary drudgery of family life, and just doing the fun bits.

X post with AF, who has it down to a tee.

The 2 hours in the morning is overspill from the 9-5 job. I don't want to give too much away, but I work in the city - there's no such thing as a 9-5 job. But because I work back office, I don't earn the megabucks. Don't get me wrong, I earn 6 figures, but it's not enough to be life changing.

No, I haven't told him explicitly that I want to co-parent as best friends. But he's not stupid; I'm sure he know I'm not happy.

No, I don't think he respects me. He says he does but he puts down my achievements. I did a huge presentation lady week, 900 people, studio production, in front of the UK CEO and all the board - he just said he assumed it was easy for me because i did public speaking at uni and the presentation was scripted (I wrote the script). He didn't wish me luck or say well done.

He says he loves me. The children adore him.

Don't know what to do.

First step: stop making excuses for him

Second step : analyse what he actually brings to your life. If it is purely as co parent, then you might as well separate and find someone that respects you as a woman, not just as a mother, arranger of family life and domestic appliance

When you do that, things will be clearer

Sorry but he doesn't love you.
When we were in a rut with DH and I was doing everything, I did what I explained earlier and he stepped up. He did because he loved me and wanted to make our relationship work. He did because he doesn't think he is better than me. He did because he sees me as a valuable person as he is.

I'm sorry but your H isn't. He clearly thinks he us better than you, deserves to not make any effort because he can't (but you can). He thinks you should make all the hard work and he doesn't. Even down to parenting the dcs.
And then you wonder why you don't fancy him/live him anymore?
I think you would have a much easier life on your own. At least you would get some time for yourself some time to time.

He has said, in the past, that he thinks the problem is my career. He would like me to cut back so I can spend more time on the house stuff. He thinks that would make me happier.

It wouldn't. I've spent 2 decades getting to a position of influence in a very niche sphere that I love. If I cut back I would wave all of that goodbye; it's not possible to do my job PT.

Actually I dont think he co parents at all. A co parent does the fun stuff and the hard stuff.
He still choosing as a parent what he likes and doesn't like to do.

Oh yes of course. You should sacrifice your career so you can do the HW and he can be sure he has fuck all to do
In which world is he living? One where his wife is actually his servant too?

That's the most pathetic bunch of excuses I ever heard.

You're enabling him to be lazy at home. You need a clear division of labour and if he doesn't stick to his endof the ddeal, you should stop doing anything for him. He is also not pulling his weight.

He sounds like a bit of a dick tbh. But i'd start with your workload. Stop doing the overtime. Fuck 'em, if it can't be done in the contracted hours it can't be done.

To be fair, he does the discipline side of parenting too. He doesn't think I'm good at parenting. I've signed up for a parenting course starting in September, and he's promised to be home early every Tuesday so I can attend.

I feel I need to give him the chance to change.

He would say he does his fair share. I get a nap on Saturdays and Sundays and a bath each of those evenings.

He probably likes the idea of you giving up work so you would have to beg him for money. Yuck.

I think you are letting your guilt over your affair rule your head in this. Do you feel you deserve to be treated badly? Because it is not true. What do you gain by staying? You have worked hard for 20 years and as a consequence you have financial independence.

OP, you're an intelligent woman: you know full well that every single one of those lame-arsed excuses is simply laziness and entitlement. They're an insult to you.

Why do you think that you have to do all of this? Why have you handed over power to him like this? Why do you believe that you have to be his slave?

You need to sit him down and say this is not equitable or even sane: unless he pulls his weight, loads the dishwasher, learns to work the tumble dryer, gets up earlier, agrees to online shopping or it's over.

Maybe you need to read "Wifework"? I can see why you're absolutely fed up. He has no idea, clearly.

or

Actually, your husband needs to read "wifework", and also Gaby Hinsliff's "Half a Wife."

You sound exhausted, you poor thing.

I feel embarassed for you, OP. This man has done a massive number on you and you have allowed it to happen. You bet he would like you to give up your career. Then he could really ramp up the laziness and disrespect.

You are doing a parenting course ? His idea was it ? He can't knock your career achievements (although he's had a damn good try) so he goes for your other achilles heel instead. Fucking charming.