Is my marriage in crisis?

[ChaChaChaChanges]

I am married, we have children together, and I am currently in turmoil. I suspect I am being ridiculous.

DH and I have been together for almost ten years. We met when I was married to someone else (he was single at the time). We had an affair, and I left my first husband for now DH.

I fell unexpectedly pregnant 7 years ago. There was never any question that we would keep our baby. However, I developed suicidal PND, which I didn't seek help for. (DH and I both thought that everyone gets the baby blues, and DH in particular was very keen not to cause worry for our families by seeking help or telling anyone about it.)

After 18 months my PND improved and we conceived our second DC (planned). Sadly, I again got suicidal PND. This time I insisted on seeking help, and was on ADs for 2 years. I came off the ADs in Summer 2012. I wonder if I am getting depressed again.

Since DC2 was born, I have felt that I love DH but am no longer in love with DH. I have had to make myself have sex with DH, and have not enjoyed it 'once I was into it'. I haven't hated it either, but I got no pleasure from it. I would prefer not to.

I thought that that was enough. That we could effectively parent together, live together, make a life together as best friends. However, over time I have found that we have less and less in common, and some of the things he does are making me very resentful (leaving the bulk of housework to me despite us both working FT; putting his career ahead of mine; various bodily things like scratching himself and picking his nose in front of me that turn my stomach; he's a wind up merchant, generally at my expense; even his crappy jokes irritate me now).

To give him credit where it's due, he is at heart a kind, decent man. He loves me very much (he says). He tries to make me happy. He takes on equal child-caring responsibilities at the weekend (I do the vast majority during the week because he's at work; I get up at 4 each morning to get work done before the children wake because I simply can't get all my work done in core hours whereas he can work as late as he wants), he does the garden, he loves our children very much, he lets me have a bath each weekend evening while he does bedtime, he cooks the dinner most evenings when he's home (sometimes he has dinner with clients or colleagues).

I recently met someone. He has no interest in me whatsoever - the feelings are entirely on my side (I have a thread in Chat about it if anyone wants to look). However, it has thrown the issues in my marriage into sharp relief.

I don't know what to do. Do I muddle on with DH, keeping the family together? It would be largely for his benefit and for the children. Do I push again for marriage counselling (which DH has in the past refused)? Do I tell him I'm unhappy?

Any advice would be most appreciated.

As a professional woman how can you respect someone who ' can't operate a tumble dryer '.But hey not to worry if he LETS you have a bath at the weekend even though he thinks that your parenting is crap.You know damned well that he will find every excuse under the sun to be unavailable to look after his kids on Tuesdays so save your money and cancell the parentcraft classes before they start.You would be so much better off on your own so lose the loser while you still have your sanity.

he wants to destroy you, OP

and he is not far off succeding

Not being a morning person is no excuse for anything.I'm not a morning person- I still manage to get up to share the morning routine with DH, who is.
And I'm amazed he feels you aren't brilliant at parenting- sounds as if you are doing all of it at the moment, so he is in no position to comment really.

So he is allowing you to have a bath ?!? Wow what a great guy he is. I mean no other man I know would do that for the woman he loves

And why a parenting course for you. If there was such a need of a parenting course, then you would both need to attend, at the very least do that you are on the same page as to what to do.
But no Disney dad doesn't need a parenting course but hard working mum who does 90% of the childcare does...
Can't you see a pattern there?

I feel for you, as you seem really, really tired.

In all honesty though, I think that some of this work you are making for yourself.

Simplify:

The animals seem to take up a lot of housework/energy - do you really want to keep them?

Batch cooking - well, DH needs to learn how to do this too.

Ocado. It is so simple, seriously. If DH wants to choose his own veg on top then he can do it at the weekend or get a veg box.

Don't iron - send things out to a laundry service. In fact, look out for a laundry service that will do a big load once a week.

De-clutter. If necessary book a day of AL and get in a de-cluttering person to help you.

Stop waking up DH and definitely don't run his bath. Who is he, Prince Charles?

Up your cleaner's hours and get him/her to do more. Pay them by standing order so that you don't forget.

You need to re-train yourself so that your arms and brain just won't do some of these ridiculous jobs.

Your priorities are your children, time for yourself, your DH and your job. Worry about everything else a lot less.

To be honest, I think there is a risk that you are heading for a nervous breakdown one of these days, given the sleep deprivation and the out-of-character behaviour in terms of texting your colleague. Look after yourself more and the rest of life will get better.

I agree with the nervous breakdown prediction. OP, text gate was your wake up call. For God's sake, get a grip on this or I predict worse for you. I recommend you give your husband an almighty fucking shock and tell him you want to separate until he decides (and can prove) he is a fully functioning member of this family.

Me too, but her employer is taking the piss too. Two hours unpaid overtime every day starting at four a.m.? Fuck that.

I've been where you are in a smaller measure, right down to having sex when you don't want it.

I enabled my ex to do very little, it was easier to do it myself.

One day I saw the light.

Life was so much easier single. I could work from home in the evenings. I had one weekend in two to myself.

And, guess what, when I met my new DP, who treats me with respect and helps, I found I did have a sex drive after all.

The irony is, of course, that if you split from DP he will have to do all his own washing, cooking and ironing. It'd be far easier for him to chip in now and pull his weight.

I recommend shelving the parenting course and spending one hour at week with a life coach or counsellor instead.

Now you have posted more I can see why you need to do the extra work, I'm a night owl so would always work extra at night when I needed to, but if morning suits you better then fair enough. BUT you are making excuses for your H and if I was living like you I don't I'd feel very romantic towards the H either and would definately be vulnerable to escapist romantic fantasies about other blokes, particularly ones who know how to work a tumble dryer! He's trying to stifle your career and blocking some of the things that would make life easier for you like online shopping. You earn good money so I would seriously consider using some of it to make things a bit easier. He should help with the DCs in the morning and sort out getting out of bed himself. As others have said, get the cleaners doing more laundry and teach the H how to work the tumble dryer, or stop doing his washing and leave it to him. Does the nanny do the boys washing? Do online shopping and send H out at the weekend to buy the veg if he's that bothered. I do quick and easy food on work days and try and plan a bit at weekends and days off. As you are full time then try and batch cook at weekends for you and DH and stick to simple meals. He can cook if he doesn't like it. You need to try and get so you can get up at 5, do 2 hours work and at 7 you and H are ready to run around as a team doing the necessary jobs. He's taking the piss tbh. I had a grumble about my DH the other day but he's better in the morning than me and gets the kids up first and gives them breakfast, then I take over after he's gone to work and gets them to school, and he manages to unload the dishwasher before I get up! He also loads it in the evening before he goes to bed.

I don't think I've ever read a thread where a woman is making quite so many excuses for a man. It's breathtaking.

He's not a morning person - FFS, he can get over that. My DH isn't either - he's still often to be found on a 6 am train having managed to cope without a bath being run for him.

He thinks you need parenting training - he's got it all spot on, I take it? Presumably he can mull over his parenting techniques while he's in the bath not parenting.

He's a total and utter twat, and you need to get out.

Hi OP. I have a City-ish career too, so I understand the context.

The problem here is not you, it is your husband.

I know you are pressed for time but the absolute best thing I can suggest is that you seek an hour a week to have some talking therapy. There are good City therapists that will fit into your schedule. Not saying there is anything fundamentally wrong with you but I think you need the space to talk and for someone objective to hear you and validate your feelings.

It can be very hard to accept that what you are feeling is valid. So we put a brave face on and direct the angst internally.
But really, you are not wrong to feel this way. It is ok. Your instincts are right, your husband is wrong.

And Jesus Christmas stop having sex with him if you don't want to PLEASE

(Christmas an autocorrect but I thought it was funny so am leaving it like that)

Oh yeah and send him on the parenting course. Cheeky fucker.

I don't think he's doing anything on purpose.

I think if you asked him, he's say "This is who I am".

I think he truly does love me, and thinks this stress is of my own making. Maybe it is.

I really want to love him again.

I'm going to bed now (hour ahead where we are). I'll get woken by his snoring and so will need to move into DC2's room at some point tonight, then need to be up at 4 to do the work I couldn't clear today.

I'll read again tomorrow.

Of course he's doing it on purpose. He's not refusing to help by mistake. He has no intention of helping.

It's his aim to have a pampered life, focus on his career and have you running round after him. If this 'this is who he is' then you've landed yourself with a lazy selfish entitled arsehole who thinks it's his due to be served.

I know you want to love him again but I dont see how you can when his behaviour is so monstrous and unloveable.

He can only win your hearer back by behaving decently. You can't respect a man like this. No-one could.

Anyway, good night OP I hope you sleep well because you sure deserve it.

^ heart not hearer ^

OP - put DC2 in your bed. Go and sleep in DC2's room now so you're not disturbed.

He sounds quite horrible to me, btw.

if i loved somebody, i wouldn't countenance them getting up at four am because i was too lazy not a morning person and therefore incapable of pouring the milk on the children's weetabix...

really, he sounds like a complete waste of space, and while i'm sure it wouldn't be easy, it doesn't sound like it's financially impossible for you to cut him loose. after all, you don't want to fuck him, you don't love him, you clearly resent him, he doesn't respect your work, your capacity to parent, or the things you do that enable him to live an easy life.

i know what i would do.

I think he truly does love me, and thinks this stress is of my own making. Maybe it is

No it's not. He may say he loves you, but how does he show it? He "lets" you have a bath on the weekends.

You poor thing; I hope you get a good night's sleep.

It's not you, its him. Truly.

The sane thing would be for you to get up at a time which would enable you to be in the office for 7am, crack on with work and leave at 5pm. This would mean an early but not horrific getting-up time - 6am?

It would of course involve a functioning co-parent who could work a washing machine/dishwasher and so forth.

Also online shopping and mutual batch cooking.

"This is who he is"

So put up and STFU

until you do something else stupid or have a breakdown

your choice

I would cancel the parenting class but not tell him. Then go out on Tuesday nights to somewhere where you can crack on with work undisturbed.

I really wasn't expecting this response.

I thought you would say I'm burning the candle at both ends and should cut down.

I'm very much struggling with the notion that any blame attaches to him, TBH.

Is the kind of relationship you have with your H the kind you want your children to have with future spouses?