Is my marriage in crisis?

[ChaChaChaChanges]

I am married, we have children together, and I am currently in turmoil. I suspect I am being ridiculous.

DH and I have been together for almost ten years. We met when I was married to someone else (he was single at the time). We had an affair, and I left my first husband for now DH.

I fell unexpectedly pregnant 7 years ago. There was never any question that we would keep our baby. However, I developed suicidal PND, which I didn't seek help for. (DH and I both thought that everyone gets the baby blues, and DH in particular was very keen not to cause worry for our families by seeking help or telling anyone about it.)

After 18 months my PND improved and we conceived our second DC (planned). Sadly, I again got suicidal PND. This time I insisted on seeking help, and was on ADs for 2 years. I came off the ADs in Summer 2012. I wonder if I am getting depressed again.

Since DC2 was born, I have felt that I love DH but am no longer in love with DH. I have had to make myself have sex with DH, and have not enjoyed it 'once I was into it'. I haven't hated it either, but I got no pleasure from it. I would prefer not to.

I thought that that was enough. That we could effectively parent together, live together, make a life together as best friends. However, over time I have found that we have less and less in common, and some of the things he does are making me very resentful (leaving the bulk of housework to me despite us both working FT; putting his career ahead of mine; various bodily things like scratching himself and picking his nose in front of me that turn my stomach; he's a wind up merchant, generally at my expense; even his crappy jokes irritate me now).

To give him credit where it's due, he is at heart a kind, decent man. He loves me very much (he says). He tries to make me happy. He takes on equal child-caring responsibilities at the weekend (I do the vast majority during the week because he's at work; I get up at 4 each morning to get work done before the children wake because I simply can't get all my work done in core hours whereas he can work as late as he wants), he does the garden, he loves our children very much, he lets me have a bath each weekend evening while he does bedtime, he cooks the dinner most evenings when he's home (sometimes he has dinner with clients or colleagues).

I recently met someone. He has no interest in me whatsoever - the feelings are entirely on my side (I have a thread in Chat about it if anyone wants to look). However, it has thrown the issues in my marriage into sharp relief.

I don't know what to do. Do I muddle on with DH, keeping the family together? It would be largely for his benefit and for the children. Do I push again for marriage counselling (which DH has in the past refused)? Do I tell him I'm unhappy?

Any advice would be most appreciated.

Nannyplumismymum
RTFT - or at least the OPs posts!!!
Dear lord - that is the biggest missing the point post I have read on MN!

OP - I hope you get to enjoy the rest of your holiday.
You have a lot to think about here. It must be very hard to read.
But as a 1st step, please stop running his bath.
He's a lazy, entitled twat and you need to wake up and realise that it's not you - IT'S HIM!!!

You wouldn't deprive the children of their father if you split,went for 50/50 custody-then the lazy fuck would have to prise his sorry arse out of bed half the time.

He has really undermined you on all counts and has sex with you knowing you aren't into it. You are being exploited.

Thanks Solomon for clearing that up; most helpful.

NannyPlum the difference is in those vital words "for each other."

I'm having a wobble. We had quite a nice day yesterday, other than when I had to do some work in the afternoon and I got the stink eye again. Surely he's not that bad?

(Honestly, I have one client and it does nothing for 48 highly predictable weeks of the year - and then this year it chooses to have a crisis while I'm on holiday. I'm not enjoying it either, but there's nothing I can do about it.)

Do you give him the "stink eye" when 3 working nights out of 5, he's not at home?

Do you give him the "stink eye" when every working morning, he lies in while you get up at 4am?

Do you give him the "stink eye" when 5 working nights out of 5, he sits up watching television?

Look, it's really not you, it's him. Who is he, the Prime Minister? Is his job and life really SO MUCH more important than yours?

So you had almost one nice day - woo-hoo. Read back through this thread. You are deeply in denial about how dreadful this person is.

OP it sounds like when you are faced with increasing stress in your life, you escape into fantasy and specifically the romantic fantasy of another man that can make everything fun and light and sexy again.

Have you had any counselling to explore this a bit?

Its a pattern that is familiar to me. But its a very unhealthy and ultimately self destructive one.

Maybe your marriage is over. Maybe it isnt. But you have to get enough insight and control of yourself to be able to make those decisions. Escaping into an affair isnt the answer.

It's not the answer, but I think you've got the question wrong. The 'increasing stress' is her current partner.

So one semi-decent day and you're having a wobble.
Not surprising.
You are still deeply in denial here.
Please re-read all of this thread.
He's a lazy, entitled, nasty, abusive, arrogant, waste of space!
It's a complete no brainer!

Escaping into an affair isnt the answer

I've said it before but it's worth repeating - I am absolutely not going to have an affair.

Even if Drunken Text Man was up for it, I would not start an affair. I've done that once, the outcome was horrific for my first H, and I will never do that again.

Yes, I'm attracted to Drunken Text Man. But for many months I have managed very successfully to not act on it. Even when drunk, I didn't actually try and kiss him - I sent him a text after I had caught my train telling him that I had wanted to kiss him. U haven't been that drunk for 15 years, and I only got that drunk as a one-off to celebrate a very significant once-in-a-lifetime career success. Those circumstances will not repeat.

In a quiet moment, try and picture your perfect weekend. What you would do, where you would be, who with. Aiming to relax, laugh, be happy.

Be honest with yourself, does your H appear in this?

The text is a red herring and understandable given how dreadful he is. I'm not surprised you feel like escaping.

More importantly think of the example you're setting your DC's.

If your DD came to you feeling stressed and overwhelmed, was living with a critical partner that did fuck all but watch her ground herself into the ground, then had the cheek to made jokes at her expense - what would you think?

I bet it's not try harder/do a parenting course/quit her job to make his life easier. But this is what you are teaching them.

I would not start an affair. I've done that once, the outcome was horrific for my first H, and I will never do that again

Going back to your OP, it reads as if you're still very guilty and blaming yourself for the affair which broke up your first marriage, and you've got into the habit of punishing yourself. Your posts on this thread read as if you're still trying to atone for that mistake by persevering with this marriage.

Your current marriage is not your first marriage. You don't have to put up with your current DH's selfish & unloving behaviour because you think you need to atone or make up for your selfish & unloving behaviour in your 1st marriage.

Good luck OP in finding clarity. It must be hard to rad this thread, and admit you are a victim (horrible word) of a very selfish, and borderline-abusive man.

Reading about your life is just making me tired. I couldn't do it- literally couldn't do it. I would have some type of breakdown. I can only manage my f/t job with two kids (and husband often away) because I get up at 7am, have low standards of housework, and do as I please regarding online shopping.

If my husband suggested I awake at 4am on my holidays to work so I didn't need to take a day out to work, my reply would be unprintable. Nor would I do it.

If he has to work on hols, I take the kids out. If I need to- which we do sometimes, he takes them off and away.

Your husband is not only spectacularly failing to do his share of the chores and household work, he is restricting and criticising the way you do it.

I would think you could get rid of him and get a live-in au pair who will give you that 2/3 hours of a hand with the kids/light housework that you need a day to stay on top of everything.

Honestly, you don't have to live like this. You will crash and burn and make yourself ill- and it sounds like your husband would then blame you instead of understanding his role in all this.

I don't post often, if ever but on this occasion, I will. The only action you should be taking upon your return would be to dump/ditch/leave the bastard.

I was in a similar relationship - emotionally abusive to the hilt then I chose to leave. It was the most freeing moment of my life. Yes, he also used to allow me to take baths, and when he would sense I wanted to leave, buy huge bunches of flowers and have it delivered at my workplace. Yes it was hard leaving him but oh so freeing. Somebody I very much respect asked me if there was no hope for reconciliation. I told him if I was prepared to do everything my ex-husband was telling me to do and not grumble, then yes, the marriage could go on, but I was no longer prepared in taking on that role.

We broke up about 3 years ago now. I still feel deliriously happy that I left him. Life is much more fulfilling. I have my work that I do, I have moved country, I'm even progressing wonderfully in my career. Comme quoi, when you don't have any baggage holding you back, you go quickly through.

I really wish you the best of luck -- leaving wasn't easy. I lost quite a lot of things but there are just that: things. I have my sanity and I'm getting better things.

Please leave him. Sorry for long post

Listen, my love: stop beating yourself up about the drunken text. You are not some kind of serial sexually incontinent slapper. You had an affair in your first marriage and married the bloke. Now, several years and a hell of a lot of other stuff later, you sent one drunken text. This does not qualify you for Sex Addicts Anonymous. Really. Most of us, in reality, have flawed and complicated lives and many of us have done far worse.

What does matter is that your current husband, quite separately from the circumstances of your first meeting, is behaving like an arse. And has got you into the position where you cannot see how appalling he is being. But for the love of god, please oh please stop waking him up and running his sodding bath.

Well said mother inferior

I have an extremely challenging home life (diff circumstances to yours so not relevant) but I honestly couldn't manage to be you, doing what you do.

It's not right.