Is my marriage in crisis?

[ChaChaChaChanges]

I am married, we have children together, and I am currently in turmoil. I suspect I am being ridiculous.

DH and I have been together for almost ten years. We met when I was married to someone else (he was single at the time). We had an affair, and I left my first husband for now DH.

I fell unexpectedly pregnant 7 years ago. There was never any question that we would keep our baby. However, I developed suicidal PND, which I didn't seek help for. (DH and I both thought that everyone gets the baby blues, and DH in particular was very keen not to cause worry for our families by seeking help or telling anyone about it.)

After 18 months my PND improved and we conceived our second DC (planned). Sadly, I again got suicidal PND. This time I insisted on seeking help, and was on ADs for 2 years. I came off the ADs in Summer 2012. I wonder if I am getting depressed again.

Since DC2 was born, I have felt that I love DH but am no longer in love with DH. I have had to make myself have sex with DH, and have not enjoyed it 'once I was into it'. I haven't hated it either, but I got no pleasure from it. I would prefer not to.

I thought that that was enough. That we could effectively parent together, live together, make a life together as best friends. However, over time I have found that we have less and less in common, and some of the things he does are making me very resentful (leaving the bulk of housework to me despite us both working FT; putting his career ahead of mine; various bodily things like scratching himself and picking his nose in front of me that turn my stomach; he's a wind up merchant, generally at my expense; even his crappy jokes irritate me now).

To give him credit where it's due, he is at heart a kind, decent man. He loves me very much (he says). He tries to make me happy. He takes on equal child-caring responsibilities at the weekend (I do the vast majority during the week because he's at work; I get up at 4 each morning to get work done before the children wake because I simply can't get all my work done in core hours whereas he can work as late as he wants), he does the garden, he loves our children very much, he lets me have a bath each weekend evening while he does bedtime, he cooks the dinner most evenings when he's home (sometimes he has dinner with clients or colleagues).

I recently met someone. He has no interest in me whatsoever - the feelings are entirely on my side (I have a thread in Chat about it if anyone wants to look). However, it has thrown the issues in my marriage into sharp relief.

I don't know what to do. Do I muddle on with DH, keeping the family together? It would be largely for his benefit and for the children. Do I push again for marriage counselling (which DH has in the past refused)? Do I tell him I'm unhappy?

Any advice would be most appreciated.

After everything that's happened it's no wonder you're feeling like this, it's been a really tough time and you've shouldered the lions share. Give yourself a bit of time and look after yourself, it's ok to be cross. Glad he's stepped up though, I hope it carries on. Please keep updating x

It's natural. There are also the normal ups and downs of life which happen to all of us. If he is stepping up it will get better as your previous positive posts set out but all things take time.

Things are not so good this weekend. He is keeping his side of the bargain, but I'm struggling with the anger I still feel that he let me struggle for so long (especially as he's slipped to readily into the new routine).

Everything about him is irritating me today. Especially him interfering in my allocated tasks and his faintly patronising attitude towards me. I feel a bit like his puppy; treated well (because who wants a snarling, snapping dog in the house?) but still somehow lesser, in his mind, to him.

Tbh OP this is exactly how I though you were going to feel when you gave the positive updates but I didn't want to rain on your parade. I think it's inevitable that you will feel furious with him for having let you sweat for so long. If he can step up now so easily, why couldn't he do it before? Isn't your partner supposed to step in to lighten your load? Not watch you struggle while he takes a bath. Either way you're still left with a husband who patronises and undermines you. He must be deeply insecure and to feel the need to constantly affirm himself, however subtly, as the superior partner.

I don't know if I could forgive your husband what you have to forgive in order for this marriage to work out. He's put you through so much suffering and he's still so obnoxious. I don't know that he's very good for you. Who wants to be a patronised subordinate in their own home?

OP I think what you are feeling is natural and understandable.

You have had an incredibly difficult day-to-day life for the last x years, you have been carrying an enormous amount of resentment. Justified resentment btw.

The initial happiness and flood of relief at the beginning of your husband taking on more responsibility is wonderful but it's doubtful you could have just seamlessly segued from boiling with resentment to becoming happy and content from now on.

I think you are going through a 'process' for want of a better word. I think all sorts of feelings are going to come out. What's happening now is a huge change in your family set-up. It will take time for you (and husband) to adjust.

I would just say allow yourself to feel these conflicting and negative emotions but hang on in there as long as your DH is continuing to uphold his end of the deal. Accept that the resentment simply cannot vanish overnight because you cannot forget the time before it when your DH did NOT take responsibility, for no other reason than he chose not to.

But also remember, however much your DH does now he cannot erase that time either. He can't turn back the clock and take responsibility for stuff starting from x years ago. Even if he feels dreadful now about how he was (and I don't know if he does or not) he cannot go back in time and do it over again.

I think for as long as he is keeping his end of the deal, feel whatever it is you are feeling but remember to only make decisions for you when considering what is happening NOW. He is doing things differently NOW. Neither of you can change the past and it's left you very wounded and you need time to heal.

Hi OP...Sorry you're so down. :-( Well on a light note, you've lost your rise tinted glasses and discovered you're with this nose picking, ball scratching bloke. The majority of us are. :-) I think periods of resentment, a bitof marriage blues, low libido are common. Depression and fatigue work in tandem and feed off one another, fuelled by the stresses of every day life: raising little ones, having no time to hear your own thoughts let alone think them. When you recognise a bit of depression, it might be an idea to talk to your GP about going on a 3-6 month course, just to get you over the hump. It's only a thought and it's what I did a few years ago after recovering from PND with my 2nd child. When a hint of depression cane back a couple of years later, I went on a brief course. I've gone on to have more kids and haven't suffered depression at all, knock on wood. Keep an eye on your well-being. I gave up on asking dearly beloved for help and accepted his shortcomings. Basically my hubby is a super duper sweetheart but yes, he does get under my skin with his sitting around picking his nose while I hoover and mop the universe and all it's stairs. I finally got a cleaner! This has lifted my spirits no end and taken a load off.

Excuse my typos and additional apostrophes. My phone has its own way of thinking!

You will have times when you reflect and get angry.
Why wouldn't you after everything you've been through?
But you need to understand if you can 'get over' this.
You had a great 1st week or so and now the novelty is wearing off.
He is still stepping up though.
Which is great.
You can't undo the damage, all you can do is work to repair it.

Is there a course to address his insistence on seeing his wife as a lesser being?

I like this thread :)

Is everything still going well?

Have you calmly pointed out to him that he doesn't need to interfere with your chores, and you are more than happy for him to stick to his duties?