Is my marriage in crisis?

[ChaChaChaChanges]

I am married, we have children together, and I am currently in turmoil. I suspect I am being ridiculous.

DH and I have been together for almost ten years. We met when I was married to someone else (he was single at the time). We had an affair, and I left my first husband for now DH.

I fell unexpectedly pregnant 7 years ago. There was never any question that we would keep our baby. However, I developed suicidal PND, which I didn't seek help for. (DH and I both thought that everyone gets the baby blues, and DH in particular was very keen not to cause worry for our families by seeking help or telling anyone about it.)

After 18 months my PND improved and we conceived our second DC (planned). Sadly, I again got suicidal PND. This time I insisted on seeking help, and was on ADs for 2 years. I came off the ADs in Summer 2012. I wonder if I am getting depressed again.

Since DC2 was born, I have felt that I love DH but am no longer in love with DH. I have had to make myself have sex with DH, and have not enjoyed it 'once I was into it'. I haven't hated it either, but I got no pleasure from it. I would prefer not to.

I thought that that was enough. That we could effectively parent together, live together, make a life together as best friends. However, over time I have found that we have less and less in common, and some of the things he does are making me very resentful (leaving the bulk of housework to me despite us both working FT; putting his career ahead of mine; various bodily things like scratching himself and picking his nose in front of me that turn my stomach; he's a wind up merchant, generally at my expense; even his crappy jokes irritate me now).

To give him credit where it's due, he is at heart a kind, decent man. He loves me very much (he says). He tries to make me happy. He takes on equal child-caring responsibilities at the weekend (I do the vast majority during the week because he's at work; I get up at 4 each morning to get work done before the children wake because I simply can't get all my work done in core hours whereas he can work as late as he wants), he does the garden, he loves our children very much, he lets me have a bath each weekend evening while he does bedtime, he cooks the dinner most evenings when he's home (sometimes he has dinner with clients or colleagues).

I recently met someone. He has no interest in me whatsoever - the feelings are entirely on my side (I have a thread in Chat about it if anyone wants to look). However, it has thrown the issues in my marriage into sharp relief.

I don't know what to do. Do I muddle on with DH, keeping the family together? It would be largely for his benefit and for the children. Do I push again for marriage counselling (which DH has in the past refused)? Do I tell him I'm unhappy?

Any advice would be most appreciated.

I'm a bit tipsy so please forgive me if I've got the wrong end of the stick as also I've kind of scan read.. Biut I feel you are putting too much pressure on yourself and are sleep deprived and that is a lot of the problem.
If you are getting up at 4am 5 days a week that is going to fuck with your circadian rhythms... You seem to be doing too much washing and housework for someone with 2 highly paid earners in the house. Are you sure you don't have some OCD issues?

Re: husband. He cooks dinner every evening is that right? I'm sure you can just override his need to try before he buys with fruit & veg and just do an online shop.
Agree that having sex when you don't want to is bad for the psyche and for the relationship. Bit aghast that he didn't want you to get help with PND.
Sorry I've waffled on and not even come to a conclusion!

2 lie ins a week do not make up for systematically destroying someone, and that is what he is doing. He wants you to do everything but hates the fact that you are capable of doing everything and is making him look bad. If you gave up your career he would "win" because it would prove you are not superwoman. If the house suffers, he "wins" because, again, it proves you cant do it all. Except that you are not failing so he has picked on your one weakness, your children. No mother wants to think that she isnt giving 100% to her kids, suggesting a parenting course was a low fucking blow.

I can believe you agreed to it, he has really done a number on you hasnt he? I agree, cancel the course (dont tell him) and use the time to get some counselling to help you find yourself again.

He NEEDS you to fail, cant you see that? He is setting you up to fail in order to make himself feel better about his own lazy entitled attitude.

You have 2 options. Either accept that what he says is true ie "this is who I am" and put up with it. Or dont. Give him 1 chance to change and follow through with your threat to leave if he doesnt.

He currently has no consequences to his actions (or lack thereof) because he knows that you will pull up the slack. So stop doing it. Either he pulls his weight or he slings his hook, thats it, no more chances.

In all honesty, I dont think he will change, he will simply find more excuses why this is all your fault. So I would see if you can take a morning off within the next couple of weeks and get some legal advice. He sounds like the sort that would get nasty as soon as you mention the D word, so better get all your ducks in a row first. Make sure you have copies of all banks statements, mortgage statements and his pay details if you can get them just in case. You may find that these things suddenly are not accessible if you mention seperation.

Another thought, is the fact that your relationship started with an affair affecting your judgement? Do you need this marriage to work in order to prove that your affair was justified?

I think you need to analyse why you need to protect him from blame.

Where you brought up with the idea that women's duty is to serve men?
Or is it that you left your ex for him so he has to be the right choice?

It's very odd that it's never occurred to you that he was behaving appallingly.

You are burning the candle at both ends, but I can see why. How can you cut down if he won't pull his weight?

I'm very much struggling with the notion that any blame attaches to him, TBH

Because he has spent the last 10 years very subtly and slowly brainwashing you into believing that everything good is because of him and anything bad is because of you.

Does he take credit for all the good stuff by any chance?

I'm very much struggling with the notion that any blame attaches to him, TBH.

the only kind of person who would think that is a selfish individual who has no concept of partnership in a marriage

Like your "husband"

I'm very much struggling with the notion that any blame attaches to him, TBH

Oh you poor thing. Don't they call that Stockhausen Syndrome? That you agree with the brainwashing of your captor.

Stockholm Syndrome

Stockholm Syndrome

I agree, it sounds very similar.

"These feelings are generally considered irrational in light of the danger or risk endured by the victims, who essentially mistake a lack of abuse from their captors for an act of kindness."

He says he is a good father, he says he is a good husband and he doesnt hit you or keep you short of money does he? So it cant be abuse can it?

Yes, it can. It is.

Interesting how we recognise Stockholm mistake a composer for a city? Syndrome as a "thing" in political crimes, but not as a form of domestic abuse ...

My boss has, possibly, tried to say something to me before - along the lines that he (my boss) has no idea how I cope.

I need, for my sake, to give DH another chance to change.

1. Do you feel as if your partner treats you like a child? Does he constantly correct you or chastise you because your behavior is “inappropriate”? Do you feel you must “get permission” before going somewhere or before making even the smallest decisions? Do you have to account for any money you spend, or does he attempt to control your spending (even through he has no problem spending on himself)?

OP, does he?

1. Does your partner treat you as if you are “less than” or inferior to her? Does your partner make a point f reminding you that you are less educated or that you make less money or that you aren’t as attractive as she is?

Check

1. Does your partner routinely ridicule, dismiss, or disregard your opinions, thoughts, suggestions, and feelings?

Check

1. Does your partner constantly belittle our accomplishments, your aspirations, or your plans for the future?

Check

1. Do you find yourself “walking on eggshells?” Do you spend a lot of time monitoring our behavior and/or watching for your partner’s bad moods before bringing up a subject?

1. Have you stopped seeing many or all of your friends and/or family since being in this relationship? Did you do this because your partner dislikes them, because your partner feels jealous of the time you spend with them, or because you are ashamed of the way he treats you in front of them? Did you stop seeing friends and family because you are ashamed of the fact that you’re still with hi, even though you’ve complained to them many times about the way he treats you?

1. Does your partner usually insist on getting her own way? Does she want to be the one to decide where you will go, what you will do, and whom you will do it?

1. Does your partner punish you by pouting, by withdrawing from you, by giving you the silent treatment, or by withholding affections or sex if you don’t do things his way?

1. Does your partner frequently threaten to end the relationship if you don’t do things her way?

Read the Full Page: Questionnaire: Are You Being Emotionally Abused? | Questions, Advice & Help
AllAboutCounseling.com

I have no idea what the hell you do with your time, you have a clener and a Nanny and you only do 8 hours work a day, you are well depressed and need help my friend, I work 9 hours, and have no cleaner no nanny and a dog to walk twice a day, I am not depressed so that is easy, when I was depressed I couldn't even walk the dog without getting uptight. Please get help with your depression, it is so obvious to anyone that is the issue here.

I need, for my sake, to give DH another chance to change.

Why?

Not being facetious, I do want to know why you need to give him another chance. Is it so you can say you tried? How many more chances are you going to give him? You have given him too many chances already.

Give him that one last chance if you need to, but you need to tell him that he is in fact on his last chance and what will happen if he doesnt change. And when he doesnt (which he wont) you MUST follow through. If you dont then you will be here next year, and the year after that and ever year following until you have a complete breakdown.

Why do you need to give him yet another chance that you know, deep down, will make no difference?

If you want to give him a chance to change you will have to be completely upfront about the extent of the problem.

That everything must change in his behaviour or attitude or the marriage will not survive.

What chance is that then ?

What is he doing to change ? Have you discussed it and he has agreed ?

happy have you even read the thread?!

The OP doesnt work 8 hours a day, she is PAID to work 8 hours a day but job takes more than that. She has a cleaner and a nanny, but they dont do the washing or the dishwasher or pay the bills or get her to work or get her home......

Well done, here is a prize for a fucking stupid and totally unhelpful post

happycrimble she leaves for work at 8, gets back at 6, and gets up at 4 in the morning.

What chance is that then?

No chance, but obviously the OP feels like she needs to have exhausted that avenue...

I am sorry OP but I honestly feel that we are wasting our time.

You wont leave him now, or ever. You need this to work in order to justify past behaviour and are willing to do anything and put up with anything in order to do that. Please get some therapy or counselling to help you see that how you are being treated is not normal or right!

And a word to the wise, if your boss is suggesting that he doesnt know how you do it, he could be saying that he is concerned. Either for your health or because your work is beginning to suffer or both. You may not get a choice about giving up your career if you continue like this, dont let this selfish bastard rob you of that, please!

I previously asked him to take complete responsibility for the weekly shop and putting the bins out. It didn't work. He wants a list before he goes to the shops. And he forgot the bins. I just wanted two things in the week that weren't mine to think about.

If if I deprive my children of having their father at home, I need to be able to say that we tried everything.

Because he might be right. He doesn't withhold money, he doesn't stop me seeing friends, he doesn't withdraw from me (he would say I withdraw from him), he doesn't always insist on doing everything his way (he would say I do), he doesn't withhold affection (he would say I do). Maybe I am depressed. I think counselling is a good idea - see how SN independent person views our relationship.

I am interested in this "chance" he now has

OP, does he know about it yet ?

My parents don't like him. They don't like that he makes jokes at my expense.

No, AF, he doesn't. We're on holiday abroad with our children and my lovely in-laws. I'm not making any move this week.