Is my marriage in crisis?

[ChaChaChaChanges]

I am married, we have children together, and I am currently in turmoil. I suspect I am being ridiculous.

DH and I have been together for almost ten years. We met when I was married to someone else (he was single at the time). We had an affair, and I left my first husband for now DH.

I fell unexpectedly pregnant 7 years ago. There was never any question that we would keep our baby. However, I developed suicidal PND, which I didn't seek help for. (DH and I both thought that everyone gets the baby blues, and DH in particular was very keen not to cause worry for our families by seeking help or telling anyone about it.)

After 18 months my PND improved and we conceived our second DC (planned). Sadly, I again got suicidal PND. This time I insisted on seeking help, and was on ADs for 2 years. I came off the ADs in Summer 2012. I wonder if I am getting depressed again.

Since DC2 was born, I have felt that I love DH but am no longer in love with DH. I have had to make myself have sex with DH, and have not enjoyed it 'once I was into it'. I haven't hated it either, but I got no pleasure from it. I would prefer not to.

I thought that that was enough. That we could effectively parent together, live together, make a life together as best friends. However, over time I have found that we have less and less in common, and some of the things he does are making me very resentful (leaving the bulk of housework to me despite us both working FT; putting his career ahead of mine; various bodily things like scratching himself and picking his nose in front of me that turn my stomach; he's a wind up merchant, generally at my expense; even his crappy jokes irritate me now).

To give him credit where it's due, he is at heart a kind, decent man. He loves me very much (he says). He tries to make me happy. He takes on equal child-caring responsibilities at the weekend (I do the vast majority during the week because he's at work; I get up at 4 each morning to get work done before the children wake because I simply can't get all my work done in core hours whereas he can work as late as he wants), he does the garden, he loves our children very much, he lets me have a bath each weekend evening while he does bedtime, he cooks the dinner most evenings when he's home (sometimes he has dinner with clients or colleagues).

I recently met someone. He has no interest in me whatsoever - the feelings are entirely on my side (I have a thread in Chat about it if anyone wants to look). However, it has thrown the issues in my marriage into sharp relief.

I don't know what to do. Do I muddle on with DH, keeping the family together? It would be largely for his benefit and for the children. Do I push again for marriage counselling (which DH has in the past refused)? Do I tell him I'm unhappy?

Any advice would be most appreciated.

Of course you are angry.
Print that out and show him later.
See what he says to that.
If you have done this before I don't hold out much hope of him improving.
Show him the email from 2012.
Tell him that 3 weeks won't cut it this time.
It's a proper full-term committment or he can feck off!
Good luck OP - hold on to the anger.

Don't hold on to the anger! Your kids will see it; the next think you will be shouting at them.

You set the ground rules, show him the note from a couple of years ago but give it a chance.

How could he have done this? I'm in white hot fury right now.

It comes across like you are a massive pushover who will accept his lame LAME excuses (he doesn't know how to use the dryer? Are you fucking kidding me?) and give him an easy life.

kaykayblue, have you ever been in a relationship with someone who behaves like the OP's DH? A dynamic like this tends to evolve insidiously over years, so that one day you wake up and think "How on earth did things get to be like this?" The OP doesn't do all she does to make her DH's life easier, she does it to make her own life easier - because doing everything herself is actually easier and less stressful than the fallout from trying to get a self-centred manipulative spouse to contribute fairly to domestic life.

Telling the OP she has got herself into this situation because she is a pushover is unhelpful as it places all the responsibility onto her and ignores her DH's role entirely.

Speechless that you were here two years ago... But not surprised.

Scratch what I said about doing the right thing by giving him a chance. You have done that.

He is in the last chance saloon here.

I think you need to try and detach a bit to see what he is doing (ie what are the tactics of control) and how it works. Don't let it escalate to an argument as he will turn it round to you being unhinged.

My other piece of advice was see a solicitor, but you have already done that.

What are you going to do now OP?

And anger, well I get angry with my DD sometimes.
Doesn't mean for a single minute that I shout at my OH or my work colleagues.
Most of us have some control over who we are angry with and we know how to direct it.
I know OP will do exactly that.

No, I haven't seen a solicitor - that's MrBuster.

The anger has gone now and is replaced by sadness.

Sorry, I was reading between doing other tasks, and got confused. I am just going to send you some support and strength . It is very hard .

Hi OP, this is a REALLY long thread and I have skim read it though paying attention to your posts. What you have written suggests you're intelligent, conscientious, loving and unhappy and it's the reasons for the last one that worry me.

I absolutely understand that your husband is lazy and needs to do more in the house. I get that you're off him, you don't fancy him - been there - but you are exhausted.

Lots of very angry, vehement people have been telling you to leave your husband, to end the marriage but I don't think that is what you want. I think you want to feel happier and less like you are on a conveyer belt.

You seem to earn quite a bit. Can't you throw money at this? Get the cleaner to do more hours inc all washing. Do shopping online by clicking 'repeat' to your last shop. Hire a gardener, but most of all, rule out Depression.

Don't end your marriage OP. I'm not sure it's what you want. And some of the things you have written about him suggest he is not evil, just a bit of an idiot sometimes.

And to everyone else, don't flame me. Marriage is a big deal. OP has left one marriage and has chosen to have children with this man. It does mean a lot to her. She needs to make sure that ending it is her choice and the right one.

Good luck OP..

Yes, and do you know what LOLeater, my marriage meant a lot to me, but it also made me ill. It is how they perpetuate the inequality, because it means a lot to you and you keep trying to fix, fix, fix. If you just try one more thing, it will be okay...

Sorry for rising to that. All the best, OP.

So, he came home from work early today, got home at 6ish. That never happens. I've done the chores (bath time, reading, changing and washing the spare room bedding because we've got guests coming, spoke to my NDN about her divorce) while he started on dinner. Now I'm in the bath while he finishes bedtime and dinner.

Why does it feel like a grand gesture rather that reality?

I wanted some quiet time with my NDN to find out if she's OK. I wanted some time with the boys running around the garden. I was looking forward to cooking dinner.

Also, he's cancelled tomorrow's early morning meeting so I can go in early. And all I can think is: if it was that easy, why didn't you do it before?

But he is trying now and you have to decide if it's enough.
One day at a time OP.

LOLeater...well said. It's good that he is trying; hopefully a corner has been turned.

I wanted some quiet time with my NDN to find out if she's OK. I wanted some time with the boys running around the garden. I was looking forward to cooking dinner.

Hmm. So if I've read this right, yesterday you both came to an agreement about a new division of labour which included you taking over the cooking, but today he's disregarding this and is cooking? Was the bath your idea or his? I hate to say it, but it sounds to me like he is taking it upon himself to decide what you need, rather than listening to you - like he feels that he knows best and doesn't need to give your wishes any weight. Which is very controlling.

And I would lay money that you don't feel that you can say anything to him about how you feel, because after all he is helping, isn't he? And it would seem churlish to complain that he isn't sticking to your agreement...

In simple terms when you contrast with your agreement he came home early, he moved forward the date that you would start the new process and cooked and put the kids to bed whilst you had a bath. It looks like a good start to me.

Why does it feel like a grand gesture rather than reality?

Because it is.

Trust your instincts. Everything you have a "feeling" about has been proven right, keep posting here to get validation because you are right, your instincts are right.

This is his grand gesture to show he isnt a bastard really so if (when?) you leave he can say "I would come home early so I could cook the dinner while she had a bath but it wasnt enough!". It has no relation to reality.

Why does it feel like a grand gesture rather than reality?

I'm with Bogey on this one - it feels like a grand gesture because it is. You feel like this is a grand gesture because his demeanor, his manner and his behaviour all suggest "This is my grand gesture". Your instincts and feelings don't lie, in fact they are a really, really good gauge of telling you whether someone is fundamentally 'for' you or 'against' you. It feels like a grand gesture because the way he is doing the assigned tasks set off your spidey senses and feelings that he is fundamentally 'against' you, not 'for' you.

I've just found an email I sent him in July 2012...

And this part of your post is problematic as well. A good business adage that is not often used in relationships is "Past behaviour predicts future behaviour" - so he has form for changing for a few weeks until you shut up about "your problem", and then he just reverts to type . This is not a good indicator for future change in this man, it means that it is far more likely that he will just go back to what he was doing before. He will 'change'/put in a grand gesture for a few weeks, but its only superficial and short term. Deeper down, he feels and believes that you are there to look after the house, the DC and him, while he gets to sit back, get taken care of like a man-child, and then criticize you when the balls you are juggling (inevitably) get dropped.

I too am wishing you strength, calm and the clarity of mind to see yourself through this, no matter what decision you make ChaCha.

This is day 1 of the new regime. I'm on the train into London. I did exactly as I said I would - got up at 6, sorted the cat, got dressed and left the house.

No bath, no alarm, no clothes sorted in advance for the children, dishwasher still loaded...

I've printed off his list and left it on the kitchen table. Let's see how many tasks he manages. It's bin day and he hasn't yet asked me whether it's recycling or general rubbish.

Tomorrow will be interesting. We have guests coming at 11:30, so he's going to be pushed to get both the shopping done (we don't have food in for their lunch and dinner) and mow the lawn. Not sure how he'll resolve it; not my problem.

chacha just want to give a round of applause. You sound so strong and determined.

Let him do all the things he said he was doing and make yourself invisible. If he doesn't manage to do it all, have the shopping done and the meals for lunch and dinner, let him be and deal with unhappiness for people he has let down. His dcs, people coming over etc
And most importantly, carry on for at a least a month with that organisation. For him to really realise what viscount on and take it in, he will need to feel how relentless it actually is rather than a one day that was a bit harder iyswim.

I've been in a similar situation and I think it's normal to feel sad. Sad for what you thoughtbyourcreksyiobship was and/or should be. Sad he didn't do things he could have done automatically but took advantage of your kindness.
I found that once things got a bit fairer things within our relationship settled down and I eventually found the live back again, despite having gone through a time where I struggle to sleep in the same bed than him (no spare room or sofa to sleep on unfortunately).

I agree, you need to see how things are doing in 4 - 6 weeks when the 'grand gesture' spirit has waned before you will be able to judge whether things have actually changed.

Weekend should be no problem. Get to the supermarket at 8am on his own - quick whizz round, even with a weekly shop, no more than an hour - depending how far you are away, back home with everything packed away by 9.30am and 45 mins for the lawn with time for a shower afterwards before the guests arrive. That means you're free to play with the children all morning :)

Our nanny reports that he got all of the chores done this morning, but didn't manage to leave the house until 9.

He has just emailed to ask if I mind if he mows the lawn this evening while I'm putting the children to bed and cooking dinner. I don't mind at all! Sounds very sensible. I get to spend time playing with me children and cooking - two things I love.

Well done ChaCha! Don't let it slide. I admire you.

God I hope he sticks to it and makes an effort.

Dont let him think that he must ask permission to do sensible things. It will come back and bite you on the bum. It is still him doing something for you rather thanfoff his own back.
Let him take responsibility for recognising what needs doing and getting it done in his own time. Don't become a supervisor. That is just another job to do.