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Original poster

New man, issue with a female friend

179 replies

DippingAToe31 · 14/07/2014 20:30

Hi, I'd just like to get a general consensus to see if I am overreacting or not.

I've been seeing a guy for about three months now. It's all very lovely, get on great, sex is awesome, we both have toddlers and although we haven't met each other's we have spoken about doing this but leaving it until near Christmas time if things are still going well. We see each other 1 or 2 times a week and are happy taking it slowly, but we speak and text everyday.

Now for the sticking point...he has a lot of friends both male and female, this is actually something I really like about him. He hangs around a lot with a couple of women and they all do things together with their children, including a camping holiday recently.

One of these women is a single mum too and last year they snogged on a night out.

I'm not silly enough to think I am in a position to have any opinion on their ongoing friendship. But...he told me a few days ago that he and she are thinking of booking a long weekend abroad together with their children for in a few months time.

And I don't like it. As a new girlfriend I am not sure what, if anything, I can say.

I do sincerely feel though that if we were still together in October (which I actually feel we probably would be) and he went on this trip abroad with her, I wouldn't feel like being there when he got back. But this sounds like a threat doesn't it.

Wisdom please....???

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/07/2014 20:33

Sounds reasonable to not like the idea to me. But how do you know they snogged? Did he tell you that?

Original poster
DippingAToe31 · 14/07/2014 20:34

Just to clarify, I actually don't really have an issue with their ongoing friendship. I know they all spend time with their kids together and he spoke of them right from our first date. I also think if they were going to get together surely it would have been during the year they were both single before I came on the scene?

But a holiday abroad with someone you have kissed before, when you have a girlfriend at home? to me, that is inappropriate

OP posts:
Original poster
DippingAToe31 · 14/07/2014 20:35

Yes Cog, he told me, was quite open about it, said it was just once and last year

OP posts:
Lovelydiscusfish · 14/07/2014 20:37

What did he say about the snog? Did he enjoy it? Was it a mistake? Probably not helpful of him to mention it at all!
On the whole I would try not to worry. He's with you because he wants to be. They're friends because they want to be.
And, realistically, if he did want to be with her more than you (am sure he doesn't), then stopping them going away wouldn't really solve the problem!
Yours sounds like a really nice relationship, btw - relax and enjoy it!

Justrestinginmyaccount · 14/07/2014 20:37

Being friends with this woman is in itself not really an issue imo. A snog is just a snog, and most of us have kissed a friend at some point, and then decided it was a no go!

But a holiday? Alone? I wouldn't be very happy either OP. I would discuss it with him calmly, and see what he says. His reaction will tell you a lot about whether or not he is a keeper...

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/07/2014 20:41

You see I question the motives of a man that tells you about all his many women friends and admits to snogging one, right before telling you he's going away for a long weekend. I would think he was intentionally trying to make me feel insecure... Hmm

Loletta · 14/07/2014 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VanitasVanitatum · 14/07/2014 20:42

Could you go along, of you're still together? Would you feel comfortable suggesting it?

Fishstix · 14/07/2014 20:43

I'm with Cognito on this one. He had no reason to tell you this. He told you because he wants to keep you on your toes.

SolidGoldBrass · 14/07/2014 20:45

If it was planned and booked before you started dating, then it's probably a case of losing a lot of money if he didn't go and being unfair to his female friend. Why should her holiday be spoilt or cancelled because her friend has a new partner?

They're either going to have sex, or they're not. Either way, if they are set on having sex with each other, you won't be able to stop them. But if they are friendse who want to enjoy a sex-free holiday with their kids, you've got nothing to worry bout.

Original poster
DippingAToe31 · 14/07/2014 20:47

The conversations were all pretty far apart. He mentioned the snog when we had only been dating about four weeks. It was after I had been for a few drinks with him and his friends. We were discussing this female friend and a male friend of his being very flirty and obviously liking each other. He said "oh X snogs anyone when she's drunk. She even kissed me at Christmas. There was nothing in it mind."

Then a few days ago, he mentioned the holiday.

Us going away together in October with the kids wouldn't be an option as we have spoken of taking that side of things very slowly.

OP posts:
Original poster
DippingAToe31 · 14/07/2014 20:47

They haven't booked it yet, but are thinking of booking it

OP posts:
WildBillfemale · 14/07/2014 20:49

He told you about the kiss and if they were both interested in each other then I assume they would be together no? I don't think you have anything to worry about this bit.

Them booking a holiday together? well I'm married but if I was single and a male friend of mine had a new girlfriend I would be backing off and forgetting any discussed but as yet unbooked plans for a holiday together. As someone above said booking a holiday abroad with someone you have kissed before when you have a new girlfriend at home - that is inappropriate.

New relationship - set your boundaries.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 14/07/2014 20:49

From the way it is described in the OP it does seem as if they are planning to book but haven't yet. I see why you are uncomfortable, but not really in a position to say anything about it. However, it does also suggest he's not madly in love somehow- as if he was, he would be thinking of a holiday with you. That's not to say that he couldn't go on two holidays, but he hasn't asked you, has he?

lavenderhoney · 14/07/2014 20:50

It seems a bit odd to me unless their children are firm friends - but he has already snogged her so there might be an expectation there from her or him for another go. Is she single and looking? She could have a partner by then. Have you met her?

Its not booked yet, but I don't see how you can say anything negative really until you know how the relationship is going. When it gets to oct, you might say " well, if its a big crowd going, I'll come too" it doesn't have to be sunsets and champagne:)

You could always meet at a park and let the dc play and just chat to your new dp. Because that is in essence what he is doing elsewhere and is perfectly normal. I assume they don't see him otherwise? Or do they think he's your fiend who watches tv with you?

They aren't going to centre parcs are they Shock :)

Original poster
DippingAToe31 · 14/07/2014 20:50

So you think at this stage I am not being unreasonable to say that I don't feel comfortable with this?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 14/07/2014 20:51

I wouldn't like this at all. But you haven't been going out with him very long so it's difficult to object. These intense just friends relationships. Hmm I can never quite get them. So often they develop into something else.

Loletta · 14/07/2014 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WildBillfemale · 14/07/2014 20:53

What is it with centre parcs and mn??

Loletta · 14/07/2014 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 14/07/2014 20:58

You're being insecure and controlling,if I were him I'd run a mile,and fast
You have no business deciding whom he can and can't see.hes boyfriend not a pet
What next?sneaky wee peep at his phone?check up if he sees her
He still dees this woman socially yiu need to bury your demons,he's dating you,not her

Original poster
DippingAToe31 · 14/07/2014 20:59

They've known each other a few years. Their mutual friend is someone he has known since school. He has always been very hands on with his daughter and they all went to playgroup together. They all know a lot of the same people so as far as I can tell it just started merging into socialising too.

She is single and looking.

Neither of us have met or seen each others child. They are both two so very young. We only see each other on days/nights that we don't have the kids and have spoken about keeping it like this for a few more months.

He has just been given a payout and said he wanted to take his daughter abroad and said this friend is the logical person to go with as his daughter is comfortable with her and her son. I didn't really feel like I was in a position to be displeased but I think by then I would.

OP posts:
Original poster
DippingAToe31 · 14/07/2014 21:00

I don't think so Scottishmummy, I'm sorry but that is a ridiculous comment

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 14/07/2014 21:00

If a woman were posting her new boyfriend was censoring whom she saw,people would shout red flag

Original poster
DippingAToe31 · 14/07/2014 21:01

If she admitted she had kissed the friend before, then I doubt they would

OP posts: