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Original poster

New man, issue with a female friend

179 replies

DippingAToe31 · 14/07/2014 20:30

Hi, I'd just like to get a general consensus to see if I am overreacting or not.

I've been seeing a guy for about three months now. It's all very lovely, get on great, sex is awesome, we both have toddlers and although we haven't met each other's we have spoken about doing this but leaving it until near Christmas time if things are still going well. We see each other 1 or 2 times a week and are happy taking it slowly, but we speak and text everyday.

Now for the sticking point...he has a lot of friends both male and female, this is actually something I really like about him. He hangs around a lot with a couple of women and they all do things together with their children, including a camping holiday recently.

One of these women is a single mum too and last year they snogged on a night out.

I'm not silly enough to think I am in a position to have any opinion on their ongoing friendship. But...he told me a few days ago that he and she are thinking of booking a long weekend abroad together with their children for in a few months time.

And I don't like it. As a new girlfriend I am not sure what, if anything, I can say.

I do sincerely feel though that if we were still together in October (which I actually feel we probably would be) and he went on this trip abroad with her, I wouldn't feel like being there when he got back. But this sounds like a threat doesn't it.

Wisdom please....???

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 14/07/2014 21:02

It's not ridiculous in least,your jealous of an established friendship.and want to curtail it

newnamesamegame · 14/07/2014 21:03

Instinctively I wouldn't like this much either, and I think you have every right to feel uncomfortable about it. If he is serious about you, it is slightly odd that he feels the need to book a holiday with another woman with whom he has at least experimented with.

On the other hand, the fact that he's been open about the snog and seems to be being upfront about it makes me think he is just trying to be as transparent as possible with you about it. Its possible this is a double bluff but I think if he really was planning to do the dirty with her he would have constructed a much more elaborate subterfuge.

It does suggest a lack of thought about you and your relationship though.

I think I would say to him that you don't feel able to tell him not to do anything and its decision but it makes you uncomfortable that he's planning a holiday with someone he's snogged and you would personally prefer him not to and see how he reacts. If he's serious about you he will back down from it. If he insists on his "right" to go off with this woman it suggests a degree of entitlement about the whole thing which should ring alarm bells.

She may well be nothing to him, but if he really is serious about you he should put your feelings, and his relationship with you, above her.

Original poster
DippingAToe31 · 14/07/2014 21:03

I have no issue with the friendship, but i don't think going abroad with someone you have kissed before is appropriate if you have a girlfriend

OP posts:
TheFirmament · 14/07/2014 21:03

It would make me uncomfortable. I don't think a weekend abroad is something you do with someone, and only them (it would be a bit different if it was a group thing, kids aside) unless you are pretty close. And she may have designs on him even if he doesn't think so, which could be quite uncomfortable.

It's inappropriate IMO when you are starting out in a new relationship. But I can see you might feel like you're being unreasonable if you say anything. He just shouldn't put you in that position really. It suggests he's insensitive, at best. Or worse, as others have said, he wants to keep you feeling like you have to fight other women for his time and attention.

sonjadog · 14/07/2014 21:05

You really need to talk to him about this. Tell him what your concerns are as you have written then here. No need to get heavy handed and forbid him to go. If you two are going to be together long term, you need to see if you can communicate about issues like these. See what he says before you make your mind up.

Loletta · 14/07/2014 21:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 14/07/2014 21:06

Inappropriate is you wanting to censor who he sees,as it troubles you
This is all about your insecurities,and you want the other woman gone
What about other females?colleagues at work?do they all need approved by you

It's great your happy,but you cannot so overtly control another adult
If he's going to stray he will,irrespective of whether or not you curtail his social circle

Monkeybubbles1 · 14/07/2014 21:07

Yadnbu. Run a mile.

wheelycote · 14/07/2014 21:07

Run. Even he will know that he's pushing his luck going on holiday with someone who snogged.

Your not being unreasonable to say this makes you feel uncomfortable / doesn't sit easy with you. Thats all you have to say. No threat or anything. Just simply...'listen, for whatever reason this isn't sitting easy with me' and ask 'Is there unfinished business between the two of you as you dont want to get mixed up in someone else's deal'. Twist it back to him and ask would he be ok with you going away with a guy who you had had a heated snog with. Your not saying you have issue with there friendship but you need to know if it is just that.

If he's serious he'll understand. If he's defensive and nonchalant then...run...no matter how much you like him and how great he seems.

This is one of those things that sits in that grey area that is borderline not ok, such as flirtatious texts etc

Loletta · 14/07/2014 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
DippingAToe31 · 14/07/2014 21:10

Yeah, I am not the type of person to sit there burning with jealousy, I tend to think "you want me or you don't". I don't feel insecure about their friendship or about him. He went on a lads holiday to Ibiza last week and I just wanted him to have a nice time, while i know his friend's girlfriend was beside herself.

But I do feel this would just be odd. I think by October I would probably feel that if he went, he isn't into me enough so i would end it. And if I say something and he can't see where I am coming from, again, he's not that bothered about me.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 14/07/2014 21:11

You've dated a few months,it's hardly serious and enduring
If yiu like who he hangs out with,stick around.If you don't,go
But he'll not thank you for telling him whom he sees

And bottom line is if he is inclined to stray,he will.irrespective if whether or not you control his social circle

sadwidow28 · 14/07/2014 21:12

he and she are thinking of booking a long weekend abroad together with their children for in a few months time

So it isn't booked yet?

They are still 'thinking' so, therefore, 'discussing' - without you included.

He apparently wants you to give your blessing and approval for his holiday abroad with the other female parent and her children. If it was single-parents supporting each other then a 3rd parent (you) could be included surely.

Original poster
DippingAToe31 · 14/07/2014 21:12

Scottishmummy I am not even going to read your comments now. You clearly haven't read the thread properly. It's not about his social circle and who he socialises with, it's about who he is going on holiday with.

You don't need to bother commenting anymore

Thanks to everyone else for you insights

OP posts:
botanicbaby · 14/07/2014 21:14

the thing is, if you turned the situation around and it was YOU who was booking a holiday with a male friend (similar situation etc) then how would hetake it do you think?

I agree with you OP, I think you are right to feel this doesn't sit right. I get that you have no problem with the friendship (and quite rightly too) but the fact he has snogged her in the past and its not a group trip abroad but just the two of them and their DC. It seems quite a couple-y thing to do tbh.

I think that friendship dynamics naturally - inevitably- change when either friend meets someone else. I accept that I see less of my friends (of any gender) when they are in the first throes of a new relationship.
Not as if this pair have known each other for that long either.

I agree with cog, it seems like he's trying to make you feel insecure or jealous or seeing how you react. I could understand it a bit more if it had been a previously booked holiday they needed to honour to avoid wasting money.

scottishmummy · 14/07/2014 21:15

You post the in/out of you and new boyfriend for opinion,you got it
Oh I see,if I don't say aww Hun and agree,you don't want to hear pov you dislike

Original poster
DippingAToe31 · 14/07/2014 21:16

This is all putting a different slant on it to be honest, it is making me see he might be behaving badly when before I just thought he hadn't considered it

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 14/07/2014 21:19

I have read the thread,established pals,who had a drunken thing.Their respective kids get on
You are uncomfortable with them going on a holiday,and by oct are considering tell him no
You're being unreasonable,it's controlling.and won't stop him ever straying

Talkingmouse · 14/07/2014 21:24

I think the real issue here is the status of the relationship. You say 'you are taking things slowly', and you may only 'probably' be together by October. Yet you want to say now what he can and can't do in October.

I think in reality you really feel very strongly for the guy. If that is the case, tell him, meet each other's kids, make him a central part of your life. If you really are not sure and want to take things slowly, then that is fine too, but if so he has every right to make whatever plans he wants for October.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 14/07/2014 21:27

Dipping I wont comment on his motivations or whatever, but I dont think this relationship is right for you, if you feel you want to move forward a bit more, although its only been 3 months. If he wants to go on this holiday and you object, you probably should just call it a day and cut your losses.

Original poster
DippingAToe31 · 14/07/2014 21:28

I agree with that talkingmouse, I feel strongly about him and until reading some of the replies tonight I was confident he felt strongly about me. I am weary of appearing to jump the gun, both with him and other people so i am a bit reticent and say "probably" a lot when actually, I just can't really see it going wrong, at least any time soon and I can see a future that would be nice.

It's not things with him I want to take slowly, it's things with the kids.

OP posts:
Loletta · 14/07/2014 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 14/07/2014 21:31

Maybe you do have a future who knows.but it shouldn't include telling him whom he sees

LeonardWentToTheOffice · 14/07/2014 21:33

He's known her for years but for you it's early days. If I were you I wouldn't be worrying about how you might feel in a situation that might happen in a few months time IYSWIM. I think you're worrying about something that might not even happen :-)

Talkingmouse · 14/07/2014 21:36

Ok that is great (your feelings for each other), and understandable (approach with the kids). Don't over analyse the weekend. But suggest speeding things up (a little) if you like him that much.