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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New man, issue with a female friend

179 replies

DippingAToe31 · 14/07/2014 20:30

Hi, I'd just like to get a general consensus to see if I am overreacting or not.

I've been seeing a guy for about three months now. It's all very lovely, get on great, sex is awesome, we both have toddlers and although we haven't met each other's we have spoken about doing this but leaving it until near Christmas time if things are still going well. We see each other 1 or 2 times a week and are happy taking it slowly, but we speak and text everyday.

Now for the sticking point...he has a lot of friends both male and female, this is actually something I really like about him. He hangs around a lot with a couple of women and they all do things together with their children, including a camping holiday recently.

One of these women is a single mum too and last year they snogged on a night out.

I'm not silly enough to think I am in a position to have any opinion on their ongoing friendship. But...he told me a few days ago that he and she are thinking of booking a long weekend abroad together with their children for in a few months time.

And I don't like it. As a new girlfriend I am not sure what, if anything, I can say.

I do sincerely feel though that if we were still together in October (which I actually feel we probably would be) and he went on this trip abroad with her, I wouldn't feel like being there when he got back. But this sounds like a threat doesn't it.

Wisdom please....???

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 14/07/2014 22:04

Op is considering request he rethink holiday,as she is unhappy.exerting her preference
Exerting own preference over someone else to alter behaviour is controlling

GinUtero · 14/07/2014 22:07

Dipping please ignore the posters who have been disparaging towards you.

I completely understand where you're coming from. I've been happily married for many years, but even in the very early days of our relationship, when there was talk of me going on holiday Goa with a make friend I'd previously snogged but had no desire to pursue a relationship with I didn't go through with it, as I knew how I'd feel if the shoe was on the other foot. DH never put any pressure on me, but I personally felt it wouldn't be right as I wanted to spend my time / energy / leave entitlement with him.

scottishmummy · 14/07/2014 22:08

Keep up that gin affected your concentration.
Op has already said she's unhappy with my posts

Original poster
DippingAToe31 · 14/07/2014 22:10

So in a relationship scottishmummy, one party should never alter their behaviour if they realise what they are doing is hurtful or perhaps not considerate to the other party? because that would mean they are being controlled? And the other person was just exerting a preference?

Funny, because I thought compromise was a big thing in mature relationships. Even though I am very near perfect, i still do things that might be perceived as selfish or thoughtless at times and if they were pointed out to me and i agreed, I would alter it. Not because I was being controlled but because I cared about the other person.

OP posts:
TheFirmament · 14/07/2014 22:10

Ach that's ridiculous.

So if he snogged this friend tonight, op couldn't express that she didn't like it? My dp isn't allowed to say that he'd rather I didn't grump at him when I have pmt, and I can't tell him I'm pissed off that he forgot to take the bin out again, because that would be exerting your own preference to change someone's behaviour?

It's called communication, compromise and give and take.

scottishmummy · 14/07/2014 22:12

Compromise is mutual,and beneficial to both parties
You want to control the holiday,that he wants to go on
Massive difference

botanicbaby · 14/07/2014 22:12

"That is also his reason for wanting to take his DD abroad, because at the minute he can afford to"

eeeks. does money burn a hole in his pocket or something? can't he just wait a bit for the special holiday abroad, save it until another date? with you perhaps!

I think he sounds like too much hassle tbh. Like PP have said, if I knew my close male friend was in a new relationship, I doubt I'd even want to be suggesting a holiday abroad with him alone. It would feel odd. (and I've never drunkenly snogged my male friends either).

Joysmum · 14/07/2014 22:14

I don't think there's anything wrong with expressing you're worried given the history. That's not the same as controlling who he can see, everything to do with good communication, which is what good relationships are based on advert all Wink

I think his reaction will tell you all you need to know and you can take it from there Smile

GinUtero · 14/07/2014 22:16

No gin has effected my concentration Scottish Mummy - my name is a play on the Nirvana album "In Utero" - my child's begins with "G", hence "G, in utero" i.e: "in the womb"...so keep up yourself!

Sorry to hijack your thread dipping - as I said, ignore the disparaging comments from certain individuals...

YoBitch · 14/07/2014 22:16

you can't call it controlling when he doesn't even know she is feeling anxious about it!

compromise comes out of an open discussion where both sides are honest. if she tried to exert her will after this, assuming he still wants to go, them you may call it controlling.

scottishmummy · 14/07/2014 22:16

It's his money,he can spend it anyway he want to frankly
Doesn't cohabit with dipping,he doesn't need to account for his spendin

Thenapoleonofcrime · 14/07/2014 22:17

I don't think she should try to change his behaviour. If he thinks its ok to go on this holiday, six months in (if they stay together) with this mum friend and her toddler, he thinks it's ok. I wouldn't step in or prevent someone choosing their holidays. It would be very upsetting to me, however, that on getting a large sum of money, he wasn't fishing to see if she wanted perhaps to go on a holiday, sounding her out. His first thought wasn't her, but this friend. That's not a nice feeling and perhaps suggests they aren't both on the same page. It's also odd that they are taking it slowly for the children's sake with her child, but presumably the friend and him get together with the children all the time, even though there has been a drunken kiss. Would the Op's child and his still not have met after another few months?

I would let this play out, I would certainly not step in and stop him booking, but I would draw some conclusions about this perhaps.

foreverforaging · 14/07/2014 22:17

At the end of the day, if he wants to go he'll go. You can't control him only your reaction to it.

10 years ago I probably would have tried to be the cool girlfriend (and made myself miserable in the process). Now I wouldn't think twice about this. I wouldn't do this to someone I was serious about and I wouldn't expect someone to do it to me. You set the boundaries at the beginning.

As others have said upthread, I would push him away.

Most people agree with you by the way, Op.

scottishmummy · 14/07/2014 22:18

And As is said I'm sure op will ignore me fastidiously
That won't inhibit my posting though

Frogisatwat · 14/07/2014 22:20

Scottishmummy are you pissed??

Loletta · 14/07/2014 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 14/07/2014 22:20

Are yiu?

LineRunner · 14/07/2014 22:21

I would tell him to go if he wants to, but that would be me and him over. His choice.

I honestly can't see why he told enough to make you feel nervous unless it was to make you feel nervous.

Frogisatwat · 14/07/2014 22:21

Methinks you are Scottish! Find another thread. Or go to bed.

scottishmummy · 14/07/2014 22:22

Pita?in what respect?that I don't wholeheartedly agree new gf should tell him who he holiday with
He has a existing friendship,it predates dipping.I see no reason he alter his plans

scottishmummy · 14/07/2014 22:24

Naw,I'm not biting.too obvious.try harder
It's fine to disagree,that's the point.

WeAllHaveWings · 14/07/2014 22:24

Sounds to me as if he fancies a holiday with his dc with a playmate for his dc and company for himself. Naturally he would choose to do ths with a close friend. Just happens friend is female who he once snogged (drunken kiss, one off nothing more) and they are good enough friends to have gotten over it.

He's been open with you, he has close female friends, an admirable quality. Scottish mummy does makes some very good points, if you consider them less defensively, you either trust him or you don't. Its hard to completely trust a new bf, but If you don't it will impact your relationship.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 14/07/2014 22:26

The only thing I can think in his defense is that as you have agreed (and who suggested this?) not to let the toddlers meet til Christmas, he may as well go away in October as planned with someone else as the children can go together. You couldn't, on your current planned schedule, go together with the kids anyway in Oct.

That is the most charitable interpretation of his suggestion. Another is he's fishing to see if you care/will be bothered/will suggest picking up the pace.

Why is the pace fairly slow? Who has decided this? I think you are probably right to go slow though as if it all blows up in your face in the next few months, it will have been a shame to bring the children into it just yet.

Sallystyle · 14/07/2014 22:27

It would make me uncomfortable as well.

And if you were controlling you wouldn't come here asking for advice I am sure.

It is not like you are trying to put your foot down, you are exploring your feelings and if it is ok or not to say anything. SM is reading things that just aren't there. I am pretty sure that is her 'thing' though.

And I would tell a new boyfriend I didn't like it personally, and then it is up to him if he wants to continue to see me. I know what I want and don't want it a relationship and I am happy to tell someone how uncomfortable I might be with something.

botanicbaby · 14/07/2014 22:27

course if he wants to go, &he'll go. don't think the OP is stopping him.

but that helps OP inform decision on whether to hang around for when he returns.

any new relationship is where you are consciously (or unconsciously) sizing each other up for future potential. cohabiting or not, how they handle money is an indicator of how some aspects of the relationship are going to pan out further down the line.