New man, issue with a female friend

[DippingAToe31]

Hi, I'd just like to get a general consensus to see if I am overreacting or not.

I've been seeing a guy for about three months now. It's all very lovely, get on great, sex is awesome, we both have toddlers and although we haven't met each other's we have spoken about doing this but leaving it until near Christmas time if things are still going well. We see each other 1 or 2 times a week and are happy taking it slowly, but we speak and text everyday.

Now for the sticking point...he has a lot of friends both male and female, this is actually something I really like about him. He hangs around a lot with a couple of women and they all do things together with their children, including a camping holiday recently.

One of these women is a single mum too and last year they snogged on a night out.

I'm not silly enough to think I am in a position to have any opinion on their ongoing friendship. But...he told me a few days ago that he and she are thinking of booking a long weekend abroad together with their children for in a few months time.

And I don't like it. As a new girlfriend I am not sure what, if anything, I can say.

I do sincerely feel though that if we were still together in October (which I actually feel we probably would be) and he went on this trip abroad with her, I wouldn't feel like being there when he got back. But this sounds like a threat doesn't it.

Wisdom please....???

She hasn't told him who he can holiday with. She said she feels uncomfortable it all and has asked if other people would feel the same. Have you not read the thread? I thought you were supposed to have a PhD?

Yes, he can go on holiday with who he wants. Equally, the op can feel uncomfortable with it. You're pretty narrow minded if you can't see both sides of the equation. You are also controlling in telling her she should be fine about it when she obviously isn't it.

Feel like I have been here with you before, scottishmummy.

Keep up,op has clearly told me she doesn't agree with me,she's not brow beaten

Loads of people have a past, and then choose a partner. Doesn't mean everything they do from that point on is therefore acceptable, does it?

My ex "chose me". He still shagged around! What if your partner is abusive, or inappropriate, or just inconsiderate? You can't ever say you're not happy about something because he "chose you" so you have to put up and shut up and let go of any questionable behaviour?

I thought she said she was going to ignore you.

Anyway, once again this thread has become all about you so she probably won't be back.

Best of luck, op.

I think his longstanding friends matter more to him, at present, than someone he's only been dating for three months. He's probably considering the holiday in the light of how his DC will enjoy it more if it's shared with friends ie the woman's DC.

I think that's very sensible of him. Three months is a bit early to be deciding to commit to a relationship, particularly when you have DC to consider. OP, perhaps you should make sure that you have plenty going on in your own life so that you are not investing too much time and mental energy in this relationship.

Yes it is sensible to maintain existing friendships.thats reasonable
And as single parent those friendships matter,and are significant to adult and child
He can date op,and holiday with existing pal.they're not incompatible

Yet again scottishmummy succeeds in making the thread about her. And like umpteen times before she's done it with other posters barely understanding any of her posts.

It is always impressive to see.

OP, I think he's probably not as committed to the relationship as you are. He should be able to see that this situation would make a girlfriend of 6 months (which you would be at the time) uncomfortable.

I think the fact you both have young children will naturally make you both more cautious. But usually at three months you have a sense or not of whether something is going to be serious, and the fact that he's planning a holiday with this other woman suggests he doesn't have that feeling about you.

It doesn't necessarily make him a bad person, but it might make you think about where this is going, whether he feels the same way, and whether or not you want to hang around. I think the only way you're going to get any answers is by talking the whole thing through with him.

If he runs a mile and thinks you're "controlling" then you'll have had a lucky escape from someone who was probably never going to give consideration to your feelings.

Yes,nauticant.inhale deeply I'm sending vapours to control posters via thread

I agree with what BlackDaisies said!

My ex dp went on a holiday to Vegas when we were together three months. Went to the gym every day to make sure he looked good for his holiday. I was a bit insecure about it but didn't say anything.

He had a crap time and fell out with his mate and mostly moaned about wishing I was there

Relax OP. It's early days. I wouldn't like it either but no one says you have too. Either mention it makes you feel a bit weird or ask him for the dates he has in mind and book yourself a weekend away with your dc and have a lovely time.

Don't feed the scottishmummy! Someone once described her as the embittered drunk at the end of the bar, shouting at anyone in earshot; the nonsensical, absurd comments, typos, lack of punctuation and provocative, overbearing style, I really enjoy reading her posts but really people, don't engage if you don't want to be driven crazy!

Honestly, the answer is simple. YANBU ever to state how you feel to your partner/boyfriend/friend/spouse, even if those feelings aren't stepford wife in nature (Yes dear, whatever you say dear).

Never apologise for feeling how you feel. However, express how you feel in a loving and respectful way "I can't explain why, but the idea of you going on holiday with another woman makes me extremely uncomfortable. I know it's not entirely rational and I have no right to tell you not to go, but I needed to tell you how I feel."

There is nothing to stop him from saving the money a little longer, investing it or whatever, until she's old enough to remember the trip, and then hopefully you'll still be together and you can go as a family. She's only 2 she won't care that she's overseas and she won't remember it.

I think it's all about the timing -it sounds like you are in the transition stage between a brand new dating relationship and an ongoing item. His proposed holiday would be OK in the first case but not in the second. If you definitely hold boyfriend/girlfriend status with each other, then i think you should tell him calmly and simply that you are not comfortable with him going away with another female friend. I wouldn't be happy with it if I were in your shoes.

I think you are being ridiculous as are the posters who are urging you to dump him - seriously?!

So a bloke has a toddler, obviously loves her and wants to take her on a nice, very short, holiday - presumably positive things? You're both taking things slow - presumably sensible? So what that he has snogged her - this wasn't a boast, he said that she had snogged everyone and even him! Hardly sounds like there is anything there.

He is thinking about organising a long weekend with another toddler who gets on with his own - well if his toddler would like that, why on earth not? It's a long weekend FFS, take a chill pill and appreciate the fact that this is a nice bloke who looks after his kid.

This board is full of women crying 'red flag' if a man tries to take things too quickly. Now that a nice guy is putting his daughter first he's behaving badly because he's booking a long weekend with a mate that will be fun for his kid.

All feelings are not validated by their mere existence. Controlling men's feelings aren't deemed valid just as controlling women's shouldn't be either.

Not all feelings are acceptable. My mother constantly defends her bad behaviour with " I can't help the way I feel". From toddler hood we learn to cope and manage our feelings, otherwise we would still be walking around refusing to share and bashing people when we felt irritated.

OP, it is early days, and still will be in October. My view is that it is understandable to find the potential holiday threatening but there is nothing you can do about it. Once your relationship is more established and commitment has been raised, then no more holidays alone with people who are single, that you have recent history with.

Agree entirely with foxinthebox.

Personally, if I were this bloke and you started grumbling and expressing unhappiness about a weekend away with kids in October I'd be running for the hills.

You have a potential lifetime ahead with this bloke. Do not act loopy about something that's happening so early in your relationship.

Although it is sensible not to introduce each other to your DCs as your new partners until December, Im not sure why you can't be just another one of Daddy's friends who has toddlers, and all get to know each other in a no-pressure way.
Nothing lost for the DC if it doesn't turn into anything more.
So my opinion on the holiday would be more negative if it's him who wants to keep the DC apart and you've ended up agreeing with him.
And more positive if he's keen for your DC to meet up as part of a larger group of friends down at the swings, and its you who's against that

I think hes a bit of a dick tbh op. Why isnt including you in these holiday plans? Hes keeping you on your toes.

Its not just a weekend away with the kids though is it? Its a weekend away with this bird too.

All feelings are acceptable. How could they not be? It is what you do with the feelings that matter.

I can't control my feelings when I want to suddenly punch someone who is annoying me, but I can control my actions and not act on them. Feelings come to me often and out of the blue. You don't have to act on them but it is ok to feel them. I am pretty sure children learn to control their actions rather than their actual feelings.

BTW, I very rarely actually get the feeling that I want to randomly punch people, but I couldn't think of a better example.

I wouldn't be happy with this either. So what's the deal when toddlers are in bed? And if she snogs anyone after a few drinks I doubt she will be teetotal all holiday.

It's a difficult one because you don't want to appear controlling, but I would just tell him how you feel and leave ball in his court. If he then doesn't take your feelings into consideration I would have second thoughts about him...

I'm with SolidGoldBrass, foxinthebox and FatherJake

You've been with this guy 3 months. That's still, to most people I think, very early days. Still early enough to have absolutely no idea whether you will even be together in October.

I have more female friends than male friends (yes, I'm a man) and I have a female best friend. We are both single and have been for over 4 years We went abroad on holiday two years ago. We had a couple of weekends away last year in the UK. We're doing the same this year. We have never snogged.

If I had been seeing someone for three months and she said she didn't like my having a weekend away with my best friend, and they had met each other a couple of times, I'm afraid I'd be going away with my best friend and calling the dating thing off. Someone I have known for 3 months does not override someone I have known for years and years and years.

Now, if this time next year you are still together and have moved in together and he suggests he wants to go away with his female friend and not you, then I think you have a much stronger hand!

No matter what your feelings for this man, OP, you have not been together long and the relationship (even if you both have good reason for this) is still casual. If I were dating someone for a few months and they got upset about who I chose to go on holiday with, I would run for the hills.

TBH, from the sound of it, the kiss between them is a bit of a red herring. It was a drunken snog, neither of them wanted to take it further, it only happened once. Had there been any attraction between them, they would have been together since then.

What's the friend's attitude here? For me that would be the vital thing. OH has loads of women friends, some I'd be fine with this sort of arrangement and some I really wouldn't. Out of the latter category, there are maybe two, who are not his closest friends anyway, who I would think might try to go for sexytimes if they got him alone. The others are the ones who, early in our relationship, went out of their way to try to assert their priority over me - yes, maybe a longstanding friendship should take precedence over a new romantic partner*, but there's no need to be an arse about it or actively try to push the new person out. After all, the person your friend has had a few dates with now could be their partner, housemate and co-parent rolled into one at some point in the future, so why poison things from the start?

So, in your case, look at how things are between you and her. Can the three of you hang out together happily, or does she try to push you out? Does she respect the time you spend with him, or always seem to phone when she knows you have a date? Does she get dramatically upset if he ever prioritises you, or is she able to - I know this is a crap word but I can't think of a better one - share nicely and accept that he's there when she needs him?

Basically, if she's friendly to you and not possessive of him, you're probably ok. I say this as someone whose heart would be in her boots in your scenario, even if it involved a friend at the nicer end of the spectrum, but over the past few years I've managed to develop a sense of when such feelings are rational and justified and when they are not.

*duration of relationship, not music style