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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New man, issue with a female friend

179 replies

DippingAToe31 · 14/07/2014 20:30

Hi, I'd just like to get a general consensus to see if I am overreacting or not.

I've been seeing a guy for about three months now. It's all very lovely, get on great, sex is awesome, we both have toddlers and although we haven't met each other's we have spoken about doing this but leaving it until near Christmas time if things are still going well. We see each other 1 or 2 times a week and are happy taking it slowly, but we speak and text everyday.

Now for the sticking point...he has a lot of friends both male and female, this is actually something I really like about him. He hangs around a lot with a couple of women and they all do things together with their children, including a camping holiday recently.

One of these women is a single mum too and last year they snogged on a night out.

I'm not silly enough to think I am in a position to have any opinion on their ongoing friendship. But...he told me a few days ago that he and she are thinking of booking a long weekend abroad together with their children for in a few months time.

And I don't like it. As a new girlfriend I am not sure what, if anything, I can say.

I do sincerely feel though that if we were still together in October (which I actually feel we probably would be) and he went on this trip abroad with her, I wouldn't feel like being there when he got back. But this sounds like a threat doesn't it.

Wisdom please....???

OP posts:
QuintessentiallyQS · 15/07/2014 13:50

Whose idea was it really that you are introducing the kids at Christmas?

Yours?

If so quite reasonable of him to go on holiday with another friend with kids similar age.

His?

If so, do you think he wanted to ensure the idea of you and him taking a holiday in October would be off the agenda? Will he keep you on the slow-go and without the kids meeting until after his holiday?

I can see why you have doubts. This woman and her child, knows him and his child, maybe they are perfect for eachother.

foreverforaging · 15/07/2014 16:43

I agree with U2, feelings are valid and it's how you express them (or not) that is what matters.

There's a brilliant book by Martha Beck called Finding Your Own North Star. One of the chapters explains how to get to the bottom of an emotional response by asking the following questions:-
What am I feeling?
Why am I feeling this way?
What will it take to make me happy?
What's the most effective way to get what I want?

Because the thing is, we are all different and we all react differently based on how we have been brought up and what has happened to us throughout our life. So, some people won't bat an eyelid, other people will feel uncomfortable, other people would get the rage, others will cry and so on. It would be very dull if we were all the same now, wouldn't it?

Op, you need to work out what you want and what is acceptable for you. Talk to him. His reaction and what he actually says and does will give you all the information you need. You need to be on the same page to build a solid relationship.

MyLatest · 15/07/2014 16:45

I haven't read the whole thread but I would not be especially comfortable with this. Difficult to know how to proceed though when it is such a new relationship. I believe in being honest about things so if I was uncomfortable I would tell him, understanding that he might see it as an ultimatum and walk away.

If he went away in spite of our talk I would shrug and think we had different comfort levels and that maybe we weren't meant to be. It's difficult to know. No one can force you to be comfortable with something. You have the right to feel uncomfortable about it and say so but he also has the right to go away with her. What you decide to do after that is up to you.

mollypollly · 15/07/2014 17:39

OP, I would feel uncomfortable with this too...I definitely don't think you're being controlling.

I also think it sounds like he's trying to gauge your reaction...his reasons for considering her as a holiday buddy make sense to me; you already agreed that you wouldn't meet each other's kids till later in the year-so who else could he go with? His DD is comfortable with her and her kid, so makes her a contender. The fact that he's discussing it with you BEFORE booking and while it's still just an idea is important...it sounds to me like he's inviting your opinion (maybe even hoping you will say you could go together and speed up your plans re your LOs?)

I would tentatively suggest you might feel a bit funny about it, but say the decision is up to him. He sounds like a nice guy, I'm sure nothing will happen even if he does go Smile x

scottishmummy · 15/07/2014 18:04

He has an existing friend,met before you.years ago.who is a single parent too,she is a support to him and his kid

Good friends when you're a parent are a godsend even better if the kids click

So you're new gf 12wk on scene,and you want to alter a holiday. I cant see why its not possible to accommodate his holiday and still date you. Seeing someone isn't about fundamentally changing them or altering his social circle,because it includes a female he kissed.

He should be able to retain an existing friendship that pre-dates you,without it being issue.or you're need to control him

Is it about their kiss?because its likely to be history,seeing they've not followed on dating.and if it's unfinished business you trying to curtail a holiday wont resolve that.at all

You need to take a chill pill.stop thinking about inhibiting his choices
He had a life,that included female pal before you rocked up. He is now recently dating you and still sees female pal -thats ok

Will you have words about all his mates or just the females?

savemefromrickets · 15/07/2014 20:43

The only advice I can offer is that if you can't be happy about him going then you need to say that and explain why now. Don't leave it a few months, stewing on it, and then be snide about it. You don't need to make threats, issue ultimatums or throw any toys, just explain that you feel uncomfortable about it and see what he comes back with.

Original poster
DippingAToe31 · 15/07/2014 21:06

Thanks everybody for your comments.

We had an afternoon together today and it came up again and I decided to be brave and just told him that I knew it was probably not for me to say anything, particularly as it's only been a few months, but I felt a bit weird about it because they had kissed in the past.
I reiterated what I have said on here, I completely understand their friendship and I would never try and undermine that as I have had a controlling relationship myself, but the holiday makes me feel odd.

He was great. It started off a general conversation about where we stand and how we both think by October we will still be together and moving forward. He said he understood and actually was thinking of making it more or a group holiday anyway and asking others to go along. He said he thought that would be the right thing to do.

Me not being invited isn't an issue. We still don't want to involve the kids yet. Both of our ex's got new partners and introduced them really quickly so we'd rather leave it a while and enjoy what we're doing. I personally don't want a holiday to be one of the first times my daughter meets him so I have no desire to go.

So I feel a lot better about it and generally very happy with things and he is too! He definitely didn't think I was being controlling. He seemed to be pleased that I was bothered as it showed how much I like him. Which may prove some of the theories it was a test, but I don't think it was done with any malice if it was.

Thanks for all the different insights.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 15/07/2014 21:22

You'd feel like a right chump Scottishmummy if they got together on holiday and you hadn't even suspected...

If a woman posted that her new bf was a bit unsure about her going away with male friend whom she had previously snogged, the advice would no doubt be the same.

OP: the holiday makes total rational sense, but ultimately it all depends on what their intentions towards each other are.

scottishmummy · 15/07/2014 21:33

I dont know op,i dont know her new bf,i dont know the female pal
If her new boyfriend were to slurrp the livetunnel with his pal,thats his lookout
Chump?about folk i dont know,wont meet,and who are words on screen.I think not

Twinklestein · 15/07/2014 21:37

I was rather implying if you were in her position.

scottishmummy · 15/07/2014 21:39

Sure

rainbowsmiles · 15/07/2014 22:00

totally agree with Scottish mummy on this. And was reading thinking ffs just speak to him, it's not a game, just explain how you are thinking... and low and behold - it worked.

Good on you Scottish mummy for holding your own.

I really wonder how some of you live. ...I mean ffs, the levels of control you all think you are entitled to hold over another person. Especially when they are just dating. And girls and boys can be friends even after lips have touched! !

Talkingmouse · 15/07/2014 22:02

Dipping, well done.

foreverforaging · 15/07/2014 22:12

I think the trouble with scottishmummy's post is that it's very difficult to understand what she is saying most of the time.

superstarheartbreaker · 15/07/2014 22:22

I bet if you didn't bat an eyelid and said 'go for it ' and didn't react he'd be cross. Also, I bet if you asked to go away with a male friend he'd be annoyed. You really can't win op.

superstarheartbreaker · 15/07/2014 22:22

Or rather told him you were going away with a male friend.

Nicklt1988 · 15/07/2014 22:51

I'm with scottishmummy on this.

You are being too insecure. He was honest with you about the Kiss, kudos to him - would you rather have found out 12 months down the line, if so do you think maybe you'd be on here questioning why he didn't tell you.

I don't think you have anything to worry about, if he had something to hide he wouldnt have told you about the trip or told you he was going with someone else. I understand the uneasy feelings your having but let them go on the trip and when they get back and nothing has happened all the better and the stronger the relationship will be. But for the love of god don't do start going through his phone or checking up on him (not saying you will)

Btw ignore cogito and fishstix they strike me and the type of people that will damn a man no matter what the situation

scottishmummy · 15/07/2014 22:51

Dont understand my posts?funny,as I've had numerous detractors all able to tell me they no likey
But gosh theyre all troopers,they waded through the mire of poor punctuation
Feeling discombulated by my posts,they were still able to tell me im a bad un

Nicklt1988 · 15/07/2014 22:57

Haha nice one scottishmummy

FreakinScaryCaaw · 15/07/2014 23:14

Glad you had a chat Dipping. I was wondering if he was testing you tbh? Best of luck.

Darkesteyes · 15/07/2014 23:15

Glad you have had this talk OP.

I was coming on here to say this... if/when he goes away with his friend in October but calls/Skypes you while away and expects you to be available as and when to take these calls and gets a bit stroppy when you aren't.....THEN would be the time for the red flag as it would show that he wants it both ways.

My advice would be just to carry on as normal while hes away. If you are invited on a night out ....go out and enjoy yourself (if a babysitter is available) and don't dwell on it too much.

PodgeHog · 15/07/2014 23:20

Can only assume ScottishMummy plastered throughout. And Nickit is her NC. Dipping, you've been entirely normal - good luck!

scottishmummy · 15/07/2014 23:21

Can only assume thats your best put down
Lame

SolidGoldBrass · 16/07/2014 00:41

From the talk you had it sounds like you are both reasonable people who mean each other no harm, so it's probably going to be OK whether your relationship with him lasts or not.

As in: it's a fairly new couple-relationship which may not last. But there's nothing wrong with that. It's really not a bad thing to date someone for a few months, and for one or both of you to decide that you don't actually want to move in/get married/have DC together. People who are in a rush to dump or downgrade all their friends after they've had a few dates with someone new are generally being a bit stupid and desperate. People who start demanding that someone they have only dated for a few weeks downgrade everyone else and prioritize the romantic couple-relationship are quite often abusers.

A romantic/sexual.couple relationship should be the least important in anyone's life because it's the one that's easiest to replace.

differentnameforthis · 16/07/2014 06:58

Also, to speak slightly in new man's defence, he has had a relatively tough couple of years and has just had a pay out, hence the lads holiday which I was fully in support of. I thought he deserved it to be honest.

This sounds more then a little patronising. You are happy from him to go on a 'lads holiday' yet he can't holiday with a long term girl-friend. 'I was fully in support of' 'thought he deserved it'

Hmm How good of you to 'fully support' his holiday. The chances of him cheating are probably statically higher on the ads holiday, then on holiday with a long established platonic girl friend.

If you were man posting about his new gf going on holiday with a male friend, she would be told to run for the hills & there would be many more posts like scottishmummy's!