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Original poster

New man, issue with a female friend

179 replies

DippingAToe31 · 14/07/2014 20:30

Hi, I'd just like to get a general consensus to see if I am overreacting or not.

I've been seeing a guy for about three months now. It's all very lovely, get on great, sex is awesome, we both have toddlers and although we haven't met each other's we have spoken about doing this but leaving it until near Christmas time if things are still going well. We see each other 1 or 2 times a week and are happy taking it slowly, but we speak and text everyday.

Now for the sticking point...he has a lot of friends both male and female, this is actually something I really like about him. He hangs around a lot with a couple of women and they all do things together with their children, including a camping holiday recently.

One of these women is a single mum too and last year they snogged on a night out.

I'm not silly enough to think I am in a position to have any opinion on their ongoing friendship. But...he told me a few days ago that he and she are thinking of booking a long weekend abroad together with their children for in a few months time.

And I don't like it. As a new girlfriend I am not sure what, if anything, I can say.

I do sincerely feel though that if we were still together in October (which I actually feel we probably would be) and he went on this trip abroad with her, I wouldn't feel like being there when he got back. But this sounds like a threat doesn't it.

Wisdom please....???

OP posts:
Original poster
DippingAToe31 · 14/07/2014 21:37

I know, I am aware of that, like i said I don't like jumping the gun but if i say nothing now and we are still together in October, I just have to grit my teeth and get on with it then don't I? Which is what i am trying to figure out if I should do.

OP posts:
Original poster
DippingAToe31 · 14/07/2014 21:38

Talkingmouse, how on earth do you suggest speeding things up? I am so useless at this

OP posts:
TheFirmament · 14/07/2014 21:38

It's totally reasonable to say this makes you uncomfortable, as you can see on this thread quite a few of us wouldn't feel great about it. It is kind of borderline as someone said. But I think SM isn't being very helpful because when it comes down to it, yes, if you are dating someone there are behaviours that aren't considered ok.

If you were getting serious with him and he said he was having an ex over and sharing a bed with her but just as friends, I think most people would say that's not on. But being unhappy with that wouldn't mean you were being controlling and keeping tabs on him in a weird way. It's just about what is acceptable when you're supposedly in a relationship.

You don't sound controlling to me OP.

scottishmummy · 14/07/2014 21:38

He's known her years,they've got it on once .they're not together
So for what ever reason,they didn't click as a couple .its not mutual attraction
So you need to weigh up can you be cool with him having established female pal

Original poster
DippingAToe31 · 14/07/2014 21:41

Thank you firming. I know I am not. It took me a while to get out of a very controlling relationship and I am definitely not that

OP posts:
Original poster
DippingAToe31 · 14/07/2014 21:41

*sorry i meant firmament

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 14/07/2014 21:41

Depends on your line,your preferences,I wouldn't want to be told can't see male friends
To me that's a controlling behaviour that's not ok
I'm not necessarily wrong,I'm not necessarily right.but op isn't unequivocally right in wanting to control whom he sees

Talkingmouse · 14/07/2014 21:42

Ha, perhaps talking about future plans, what they may look like, your kind of future holidays as a couple and family? Also may be a way of (very) gently raising any concerns about the above trip you may have...

Mrsgrumble · 14/07/2014 21:48

Are you the friend of her boyfriend scottishmummy?

Thenapoleonofcrime · 14/07/2014 21:48

The Op hasn't said he can't see this friend, presumably she's fine with him and her having a coffee or taking the toddlers to the park. Just not going away together. My husband has female friends in a similar situation as he was a SAHD for a while, they meet up in the day for coffee, take the kids out, chat on the phone. If he started doing things like taking them on holiday without me, it would be extremely odd. This is only up for debate as the status of the relationship is early days however I think if he was mad keen on you, he would be thinking how could he spend the money on you, or invite you along. The fact that he's planning on carrying on his basically single lifestyle of going on holiday with other single women who he did snog not so long ago does tell you something I'm afraid.

TheFirmament · 14/07/2014 21:49

I also wouldn't want to be told I couldn't see male friends either. But it's very clear from the OP that this man has lots of male and female fire DS and that the op is fine with this.

But seeing friends socially is not the same as going away for a weekend abroad with one friend who you have previously snogged. It's weird to suggest it is the same.

I know for sure that I, especially if i was single, would not do this with a male friend who had a new partner. Because I would not want to upset the partner.

Even if it's totally innocent, the point is it looks a bit odd. And there definitely are men who do, and talk about, this kind of thing in order to keep a new partner on her toes / keep her guessing / test the water to see how much they can get away with. So it does set a few alarm bells ringing. If nothing else, this man should be able to see that his new partner might find it uncomfortable, and have some sensitivity to that.

hamptoncourt · 14/07/2014 21:50

I absolutely would not be happy with this.

It sound like you are being pushed into the "Cool Girlfriend" corner.

I know you are taking things slowly with regard to the DC and that is to your credit, but I also think you should slow your roll with this man full stop.

Take a step back emotionally and see how it pans out.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 14/07/2014 21:50

I'd blow him out. Too much trouble. Lads holidays in Ibiza? Weekend abroad with his girl friend?

Why did he split up with the mother of his daughter? Do you actually know or only have his side of the story?

Sounds all round crap to me. Mind you he must have a fair bit of lolly to be holidaying abroad a lot. Maybe hang onto him for a bit and just use him - meals out etc.

scottishmummy · 14/07/2014 21:50

Is it so incomprehensible to you,that it's not right to tell another adult whom they are friends with
Dipping,is new girlfriend.the female friend he's known years,their kids get on
There is no reason he should be adjusting plans to accommodate new gf preferences

botanicbaby · 14/07/2014 21:50

have you met his friend OP? I'd be wondering why his friend's g/f was so worried about the lads holiday in Ibiza. You can tell a lot about someone by the company they keep.

You don't say how you think he'd react if the tables were turned and you were the one talking about booking somewhere with a male friend? I'd tread carefully on this one. Not saying its good to drop your friends as soon as you meet someone new but I find it odd he's planning on doing this. Its not as if their friendship goes back a long way.

foreverforaging · 14/07/2014 21:51

Oh dear, scottishmummy is here... Hmm

I always think three months is a bit of a turning point in a relationship. You start to see things as they are in a relationship rather than through rose tinted specs. A lot of my earlier relationships withered and died at three months.

I say it all the time... No one can tell you how you feel. So, if this planned holiday is making you feel uncomfortable it is making you feel uncomfortable. You can't tell him what he can and can't do so the best scenario is to meet someone who is on the same page as you.

My XP would have done something like this without a care in the world for my feelings. DH wouldn't or if he did it probably would have been with a group of people and he would have reassured me without prompting.

I think I would feel exactly the same as you about this. If she snogs everyone after she's had a few vinos how is that going to work while they are away or has she promised to stick to lemonade? I would prepare to walk away from this one personally. Life is too short...

venusandmars · 14/07/2014 21:53

When I was on my own with 2 small dc, I had several friends in the same position. One of these was a man with a young dd. We got on well, had a similar sort of approach and sense of humour. But there was really nothing between us that was more than companionship - and a drunken kiss proved to both of us that there was definitely no spark. The lack of any sexual spark between us made it very easy for us to be friends.

But I used to get so pissed off with people insinuating that there was something more to it. There just wasn't. I didn't fancy him, pretty certain that he didn't fancy me.

Luckily when I met my (now) dh, dh accepted my friendship for what it was, and never raised an eyebrow about us spending time together. Possibly because he also had close female friends, understood his own firm sense of boundaries, and trusted me to do the same.

When my male friend also had a long-term partner all 4 of us met up a few times, but it was a very different vibe, and over the course of a couple of years, the friendship with my male friend dwindled in a very natural way, though we are still loosely in contact.

I think that having a serious conversation sounds the right thing to do. Let him know that you trust him, but also let him know that it might look odd for him to have a girlfriend and yet go on holiday with someone else... and then see how the conversation develops. I don't think you can go in with any demands or expectations, and if he is clear that it is JUST a friendship and that going away is no problem, then you will have to think about how you feel.

Loletta · 14/07/2014 21:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheFirmament · 14/07/2014 21:55

She is not telling him who he can be friends with.

She is uncomfortable about him going on a foreign trip with another, single women he has a history of having snogged!

MASSIVE difference.

scottishmummy · 14/07/2014 21:55

Well howdy to you to mrs humphyfaceHmm
If you plan to wholly agree with op,she'll love that.and you can tell her how right she is
I'll naturally continue to contribute as will you

Original poster
DippingAToe31 · 14/07/2014 21:56

He's not upsetting me don't worry! Thanks though

Some of you are putting a different slant on it that is making me think differently, about him possibly not having the same view of us that i have. I am going to think very carefully about that

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 14/07/2014 21:57

I have read the thread,indeed dud a summary not so far back
Essentially new gf wants to set parameters/condition on how he see existing female pal
This includes telling him,by oct,that they cannot holiday.as she uncomfortable

Original poster
DippingAToe31 · 14/07/2014 21:58

Also, to speak slightly in new man's defence, he has had a relatively tough couple of years and has just had a pay out, hence the lads holiday which I was fully in support of. I thought he deserved it to be honest.

That is also his reason for wanting to take his DD abroad, because at the minute he can afford to

OP posts:
TheFirmament · 14/07/2014 22:01

Scottishmummy are you 6!?

I do happen to empathise with how OP feels about this and like others on this thread am sharing my thoughts as asked for. I'm not agreeing with her to win brownie points or something. (I namechange a lot, but otherwise you could check my history and see I really DON'T go around agreeing with people for the sake of it)

It's fine for you to disagree too, of course it is. What's getting people's back up is you're misrepresenting what the op is saying. she's not controlling the bloke or telling him who he can be friends with! So why say she is?

scottishmummy · 14/07/2014 22:02

There doesn't need to justify previous holidays,or planned trip with female pal
It is what it is.two folk who are pals,and once got it on,going away
If there was a mutual spark,they'd be dating,they're not.in fact you're the new gf