Does anyone remember? Things are pretty crummy now

[wavesandsmiles]

Links to earlier posts

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1813521-Waves-is-determined-to-keep-winning-now-that-Acrobat-has-arrived

My little acrobat is nearly one. This time last year his MN aunties were cheering him on. I've survived a year but things are tough. I have pnd which has been worsening, and was signed off work a couple of weeks ago.

My new job is very stressful but also Twunt continues to mess with my head. I cannot let go. He clicks his fingers and I'm like a bloody lap dog. I hate myself.

I'm not really eating anymore. I find it hard to smile. It feels like my children would really be better off without me.

waves - I'm late to this but do you have a crisis team you can call? You need to go to the GP and get a referral because you need more help than you are currently getting.

It will be ok for you to do this. You need to get the help and support you require. You need to have someone you can call when you feel like this.

Please look at this link - particularly no. 5 on the list, Mary Burgess. Please see if she is reachable from where you live, and if you can book in to see her. I don't know her by the way but I believe she could help you, if you have the funds to be able to see her. She can help you deal with your issues with your father, which will then knock on to your current issues with the Twunt and will help you to get out of this mire that you are currently in.
Pleas just give her a call and see if she can help you. xxx

xposted - ouch to the biting baby! I'm still feeding mine at 21mo and sometimes he is a bit bitey too (he's got nearly a full set now!)

Don't downplay this to your GP, waves, you need to get access to the right support.

Waves

How many times are you going to do and say the same things? You are hurting yourself. You are hurting your children. You are hurting and worrying plenty of strangers who care about you. Who all wish we could do something to help and get through to you that YOU NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP and only YOU can make it happen.

Either you take responsibility and ask for help or your children will end up devastated. Either because you are dead or because they become your carer.

I am sorry for being harsh but quite frankly there there isn't going to achieve anything.

You have free will. You choose to cut yourself even though it achieves nothing but mess and worry. You know your father loved you but he wasn't of the era that showed it. I haven't ever had parents who loved me so please enjoy knowing you had a father who did. It must have been wonderful. You know your children need you and you know you can get stronger but you need to want too. Do you?

AH waves, fab is harsh but it's true, you do need professional help.

Did you know that self-harming often runs in families? Do you ever think about your lovley dd doing it? How would you help her?

Apply that to yourself, as you are just as deserving, just as worthy of love, just as beautiful and vulnerable as she is.

Some harsh words when I feel utterly shit anyway. I AM getting professional help. I have been back seeing my psychotherapist and today I'm seeing a psychiatrist as well as my GP. I've also sorted the online freedom programme.

I am so cross with myself for last night but it was just a one night fuck up. There are hundreds and hundreds of times over the past couple of years I've wanted t

Some harsh words when I feel utterly shit anyway. I AM getting professional help. I have been back seeing my psychotherapist and today I'm seeing a psychiatrist as well as my GP. I've also sorted the online freedom programme.

I am so cross with myself for last night but it was just a one night fuck up. There are hundreds and hundreds of times over the past couple of years I've wanted to harm myself and not done it. So actually it's shit yes, but what about the 199 times I managed to not do it?

I know it runs in families. DM did it too. Of course I don't want this for any of my DCs. That's why I am trying to get myself out of this bloody mess.

And fab is right, free will is everything. And we make all our choices. Sounds like twunt talking. He takes no responsibility for anything. I guess I have to accept he's right. It was all my fault for falling in love, marrying him, selling my old house, buying this place, making a baby.... Nothing to do with him.

Well that's fine. It's not how I thought the world exactly worked. I thought I should be good and nice and kind to make other people happy. Obviously a load of rubbish. I can do what I want because other people are responsible for their reactions and actions. I feel so lost and confused.

I don't even want to come back here now. I have been trying so hard and like I say, one error in hundreds of non errors. And still NC with twunt. And I've done the right thing sorting out the GP etc.

It takes a huge amount of strength to resist the call of the blade. Last night you tried, but didn't quite find enough. It's not the end of the world.
That was last night.
Today is a new day.
One step at a time. One day at a time.
Please don't stop posting. You need support and there are so many people here who can give that.
Write down some affirmations and say them each morning, evening and when ever you need to.
Check out the Butterfly Project.
Remember, today is a new day. Start again.

Waves, I have a pair of inline skates which are sitting unloved and unused under my stairs.

Happy to post them if you are interested? What size are your feet?

You don't need to take responsibility for everything, Waves.
We are responsible for ourselves but we are also responsible to other people. Your ex side- stepped his responsibilities to you. That's not an example of free will - that's an example of him being an abusive arse. He had emotional responsibilities to you because you were in a relationship with him but he ignored that and tried to put everything on to you.

You should be good and kind to others but also to yourself. And it's ok to stop being good to someone who is hurting you (like your ex). There's a good book called 'Boundaries' which might help.

I hope your appointments today go well. If you don't feel up to explaining everything that's happened then you could take along your posts from here to help you. Thinking of you

Waves you have absolutely done the right thing with the psychotherapy and the GP and so on.

Sometimes the pressure gets too much, and it obviously did last night. Hopefully what you did released enough pressure for now, so you will be able to be strong again for another 199 times, maybe more. Sometimes "free will" isn't the answer. Sometimes the compulsion overrides our "will" - that's why we need "willpower" to change our habits. "Willpower" takes a lot out of you and last night you ran out of it - but it was a temporary slip and you will pick yourself up again and start again, because that's what you do. You have that strength, you have that ability.

So please, take the positives from this thread, stay and we'll stay to support you through the dark times.

((((hugs)))) and xxx

I am sorry you are angry at me, waves. I have thought of little else this morning but you but if you would rather I step away from this thread I will. It is yours after all. It IS good all the times you didn't cut but tbh it means nothing when you do it again as you have to start over all over again.

Every time you do an action that hurts yourself you have to start again but each time you can go longer it gets easier.

Harsh because we care.

And now you say I am just like your ex. You have free will and it was both of you who decided to get married and have a baby but it is only YOU who allows yourself to have sex with him and hurt yourself, who allows yourself to be treated like shit by him and his other children. You shouldn't be doing stuff to make someone else happy when it makes YOU unhappy to this degree.

I was just hoovering thinking about acrobat and sad that I haven't spare money to send a birthday gift and worrying about you and I come to a post where you say I am like an abuser.

I should say I am out but I care.

Good luck with the GP.

Thumb - I wonder if saying by cutting herself Waves released pressure last night is saying it is okay to do it as it is giving credence to what she did imo.

Not looking for an argument just a question.

I know nothing about self harm & I apologise if this isn't acceptable. I think I remember seeing something on TV where people were encouraged to do 'damage free' harm if they couldn't control the urge, they did things like hold ice cubes against their skin or pinged a rubber band around their wrist. Obviously being able to stop completely would be ideal but perhaps it would be worth asking one of the professionals helping you what they thought of this as a back up plan. Much love to you waves

Itsfab, I'm sorry, I don't mean you are like twunt at all. It was just the words you used, it reminds me of what he said. Over and over.

I'm not ever going to sleep with him again. I'm never going to be a friend or "amicable" with him. For as long as necessary I will have nothing to do with him. This is the choice I am making.

Just about to go in to see the GP. Will update a bit later.

Oh and Beryl, that's a kind offer. I'm a size 6

Hope your appointment goes well Waves.

I'm glad that you are not going to be his friend any more. I think you need just to be your own friend.

Good luck waves. Hope you get chance to look at the link from thumbwitch. It could really help.

Hi waves - move on from last night, it was a blip and it doesn't need to be repeated. I really hope that your doctor and your psychiatrist can give you some help today and make you feel that you are on the road to recovery. Please don't try to put on a brave face in front of them - this is the one time you should completely lay yourself bare so that they understand the depths of your illness.

I'm sorry you took the harsh words so badly, Waves. We do care - look at the number of people who have never forgotten what you went through last year. You have been so strong and through so much.

Well done on those 199 times before - it's hard I know. You have a lot on your mind at the mo, and I understand you need to release some of it.

Hope it goes well at the GP etc today

Hello Waves

I haven't posted before but I recall your original thread and I'm sorry that things are tough for you.

When I read the last few posts, I just wanted to drop in to share a quote that has helped me and a few friends in difficult moments during our life. It is from a poet/writer friend of an acquaintance and it is this:-

There is light and there is darkness. There is always a bit of light. Stay with this light, just with that little bit. Don’t look for a bigger one. Stay with what you’ve got. It’ll grow. Stay with the small light. Very important. Stay with it. Don’t stay with what you haven’t got. Light is light.

Try and stay with the light Waves. Find it where you can. In Acrobat. In yourself. In continuing to seek help and support from professionals and friends in RL and on here.

I hope things get better really soon Waves, I do.

GP was brilliant. Signed off for another 2 weeks as she actually reckons I'm making progress...

Absolutely bricking it now, sat in the waiting room before my appointment with the psychiatrist.

Sounds like a really good appointment with your GP. Now good luck with the psychiatrist.

Hope it goes well waves , thinking of you

I can hear your determination to keep battling this and I really believe you'll get there

Glad your GP was helpful waves & hope the psych is just as good. So good that they feel you're making progress.

No need to be bricking it Waves. The psychs job is to help you, to support you, to put a plan in place to support you moving forward.

It's great you've been signed off.