Does anyone remember? Things are pretty crummy now

[wavesandsmiles]

Links to earlier posts

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1813521-Waves-is-determined-to-keep-winning-now-that-Acrobat-has-arrived

My little acrobat is nearly one. This time last year his MN aunties were cheering him on. I've survived a year but things are tough. I have pnd which has been worsening, and was signed off work a couple of weeks ago.

My new job is very stressful but also Twunt continues to mess with my head. I cannot let go. He clicks his fingers and I'm like a bloody lap dog. I hate myself.

I'm not really eating anymore. I find it hard to smile. It feels like my children would really be better off without me.

Facepalm - I'd forgotten he used to read your threads.

He probably enjoys that we are all so disgusted with him too . Pathetic little man that he is.

I'm still here. And guessing Twunt is too, mostly because he sent me texts this morning saying he won't be coming round anymore as he is the heroin to my addiction and that sleeping together is not good for me. Which I suppose makes him the good guy.

I have been crying all morning. I have someone staying, accessed help via a place called Workaway, and she's been so sweet. She's very similar experiences to me, same kind of childhood, past relationships with a narcissist. I think maybe she was sent to me by the power of MN to be a really great shoulder to cry on!

Doesn't stop me wondering what is so wrong with me, and feeling so beside myself and also the more everyone says how awful twunt is, the more bad it makes me feel because if he is that awful and I'm not good enough for him, then actually I am not good enough for anyone at all am I.

I'm on anti depressants now and they are all popped out and I have razor blades disassembled. I want this pain to stop.

waves - are you saying that you've taken a razor apart to use the blade on yourself? Please, please, please don't think about that. It's great that you've got RL help but if your friend/lodger can't be with you at the moment then keep posting or call the Samaritans 08457 90 90 90.

The fact that you don't feel you are good enough to have a supportive, loving relationship is your depression speaking. You have always come across as really amazing in any of the posts that I have read.

Please post - I am worried that you might be considering harming yourself. I hope I have got the wrong end of the stick.

waves - this is the PND making you feel like this. Its vile. I was at the bottom of a deep dark hole and couldn't think straight or see a way out. But it will pass, I promise.

Please ring the Samaritans 08457 90 90 90 or your dad, or a friend, or GP and let them know how you are feeling right now.

You are much loved - not least by your 3 amazing children. I know you can't see that right now, but it's true.

Please post and let us know how you are feeling right now

There will be someone here for you all the time, I'm sure

Waves, you're an outstanding mother - I know that you let him back in, but you know you CAN be without him and it feels good, and you are both a fabulous mother to all your three and can hold down a demanding job at the same time. Now is the time to hold onto that thought and let your need to know that your dcs are well and loved pull you out of the pit you're in just at the moment. I know you can do that.

Please reach out to someone OP

Waves this feeling WILL pass but I know you can't see or believe that now. Just take each minute at a time.

Please post and tell us what you're doing right now.

Waves I read your earlier threads but never posted. You have come through so much, you may not feel it but you ARE strong and you are very much needed by your children. They love you and you are doing an amazing job under very difficult circumstances!

It doesn't feel like it now but you will get through this just as you have got through every other shit storm that twunt has put you through. It is not in any way true that you are not good enough for him, if someone is worthy of your love then they will be the one making you feel loved and confident and secure

Your little acrobat needs you. Your children need you. Please throw the razor blades away. Wash the tablets down the sink (you can get more) and go to A&E.

I read and commented on your other posts but have NC-ed lots since then. You are amazing and are too good for him which he knows and is why he is trying to bring you down.

You have coped so well with all the pain he has put you through and are a genuine inspiration to so many on here. Even without PND, this dip would be normal as you've been through so much. Add in the PND and no wonder you feel lost.

You are an amazing mother and your dcs will be so proud of you.

Please call someone and/or keep posting. We're all here and we care about you.

Oh waves. Ds is the same age as your little one - think we were on same antenatal club, and the way you are feeling is not right, you need to speak to someone else.

When dd was younger I developed pnd. I held a knife to my wrist. I've got the correct help and here I am almost four years later and things are good. I'm glad I didn't. I also speak as the child of a father who committed suicide. Your children need you. They love you. Life has dealt a shitty hand but things can and will change.

I'm so sorry you feel like this. Pm anytime.

waves, I remember you. And I think about you often.

Your children need you. They really do.

You really need some proper help, fast. Can someone look after your DCs while you call someone? Or go to a&e??

You are not the problem here, and he is absolutely not better than you. Would we all have been there on your previous threads, and be here now if you were worthless??

waves do you remember me from the hyperemesis threads? I think of you a lot. I'm not in a great place either.

Can you get yourself to somewhere where there are other people about, the hospital, a friend, anywhere. At my lowest I, luckily, took myself to tescos (of all places!) But somehow being surrounded by other people made the difference

There's lots of good advice on here, please take it, you are bloody amazing and you have coped with so much, and it will start getting easier as your little one gets older

Feel free to pm me if you want xxxxx

You have been given a HUGE chance. PLEASE take it even it allows him to think he is the good guy. There is nothing in this world he could do that would make him a good guy so take what you can. PLEASE.

There is NOTHING wrong with you other than your inability to see that you are worth a huge amount and that TwatFace (Twunt is too soft a name) is a piece of crap in your life.

It is not that you aren't good enough for him and NO ONE has said that. He is nowhere near good enough for YOU.

We all care. We are harsh because we care.

Please do not harm your children by killing yourself. I am sure you wouldn't want TF looking after them.

If i was near I would be round at yours now helping and supporting you. Never met you. Care about you. Please let us help and support you as you know we can.

Get some help, please.

TiredFeet - please get some help. For your sake as well as your children.

waves I think of you often, our DDs are the same age. Reading your strong, witty, determined posts last year got me through my difficult pregnancy. I felt inspired by you, I was so happy when your birth announcement came through, particularly that you got your water birth & favourite midwife.
You mean a lot to me, & I'm a stranger on the internet, you mean a million times more to your DCs. Please get help. I know things are tough now but you are worth so much more than this.

A very clever MNer has managed to track waves down in RL and the worst hasn't happened, I'm relieved to say.

I'm here. I've not taken the tablets. Acrobat needed feeding and I don't want my milk poisoned as that would harm him.

I am beating myself up for letting twunt back in, over and over. Now it is so final. We are divorced, the finances sorted, the house in my sole name. I feel so stupid. I took him on holiday, bought him a car. Just desperate to be enough. And I wasn't.

I want to be good enough. I want to be really loved. I've wanted this forever. And I feel I let you all down by crumbling like this. I want to be strong and inspirational waves, not sobbing all day. I wish I was good enough.

Thanks for the update lalalonglegs If there's anything practical at all I can do to help please let me know. I feel I owe waves a debt for the help her story gave me last year with my own HG.

Waves

I've been looking for you on the boards but searching for a slightly different name do couldn't find you. You have been my inspiration through a difficult HG pregnancy and your joy in Acrobat and your dc are my example to aspire to.

Please try to walk away from this unhealthy relationship. You are worth so much more and I wish it for you intensely.

Stay safe x

Its ok to be sobbing waves too, its nothing to be ashamed of! You have coped with so much

Please make sure you get back to gp, and line up lots of support for yourself (in addition to mumsnet obviously!) xxx

Waves you ARE good enough - and then some. It's him that isn't good enough. You'll see that one day. Just trust us for now.

I hope you've got some support this evening. Remember that there's always someone on here who cares if you need company.

Baby steps - that's all you need right now.

Hang on, how can you say you are not good enough but yet you have done the hardest thing possible and actually left that relationship and divorced him?

There are hundereds of unhappy relationships, possibly thousands, that are limping on for the "sake of the kids".

You've got a helathy baby, a house in your name and more importantly, you know what you want out of a relationship - most people just think they do and wonder why it always breaks down.

You have achieved more in these past 12 months than some have in their entire lives.

You are so low but you are still strong enough to be thinking about the health of your son through your milk and what you are putting into your body..jesus, and you still think you are not good enough? Despite everything that has been thrown at you, you are still battling along, even if you don't think so. You are so much stronger than you think you are - you've already shown that, you just need to believe it yourself.