Does anyone remember? Things are pretty crummy now

[wavesandsmiles]

Links to earlier posts

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1813521-Waves-is-determined-to-keep-winning-now-that-Acrobat-has-arrived

My little acrobat is nearly one. This time last year his MN aunties were cheering him on. I've survived a year but things are tough. I have pnd which has been worsening, and was signed off work a couple of weeks ago.

My new job is very stressful but also Twunt continues to mess with my head. I cannot let go. He clicks his fingers and I'm like a bloody lap dog. I hate myself.

I'm not really eating anymore. I find it hard to smile. It feels like my children would really be better off without me.

Sounds like they're trying to reduce your hours, maybe to make the job less stressful for you so you don't need to be signed off again? I'm not in HR though so I can't really help specifically.
IF they've said they want to ensure you continue with them, then for now I'd take that at face value though - unless they've reduced your hours to a point where you're not actually bringing in enough money.
Do you have the option of another meeting with them? Just to ask if your hours would be increasable again (god that's bad English) once your stressful life has settled down?

I am not in HR either, but I would ask them to send you a memo of any conversation you had. I wouldn't leave anything on just a verbal basis.

Yes, you might also want to sit down with your MH team and get a recommendation from them sent to your GP for a 'well note' making clear what duties you can and can't do.

I would imagine they do want to try and reduce your workload given everything else you have to juggle. Maybe for kind reasons, maybe not so kind. Keep notes, and maybe take advice from Mind about employment issues?

I think it may be your depression being evil to you - you know that you're great at your job and most companies do want to support good staff during a temporary period of difficulty.

The best bit of employment advice I got was always to make sure that there is a record of these conversations. So send a friendly email back repeating as much as you remember of yhe salient points eg:

Dear Manager

I really appreciate having a talk with you (and anyone else who was there) today. I want to think through your suggestions that I do xxx and you do xxx. Could I get back to you by the end of the week?

Waves

Hopefully if you have, ahem, misremembered anything that was said, then your email gives them a chance to clarify in writing. But if they just ignore or say "Yes, fine" you have a written agreed revord.

Oh, very good plan to do the email thing, excellent!
And that would also give you the opportunity to ask if they would consider increasing your hours again in a few months' (or other appropriate period) time.

Best person on employment issues around here that I've seen is Flowery. She's normally visible in Employment/legal/HR type topics - She was Flowerybeanbag at one stage but may have had a slight change but is still Flowery.

It's not hours they want to reduce as such, it's taking my management responsibilities away so I won't have a team to lead. But this would mean bringing in people above me.... Hi hum. Even suggested I may be able to get my GP to do a letter re only fit part time for now so I don't lose out financially....

Feeling confused.

Get it all in writing and if they have made specific suggestions (wrt GP letter for instance) and then do what they ask and have them confirm in writing that you have done as asked.

But post on Legal here and see if there are implications or pitfalls of doing the GP thing.

Don't sit and ruminate too much. It won't do any good.

I know a bit about employment law in the England and Wales. If you want to PM me I'll see if I can help. For what you've said, it could be really positive but it could be more ominous.

Mistlethrush is right, flowery on the employment threads gave me really good no nonsense advice when I had issues re work/ill health.

I can see it would be hard not to worry unless they have made it clear its a temporary change

I'm meeting the person from HR again this morning at 10.30. I have a long list of questions/ clarifications and general queries....

I will let you know how it goes and update later.

I have also pretty much sorted a long term neutral handover for Acrobat, so my ex SIL (who is nice) will do this which also means she gets a little more time with her nephew. I invited her and ex MIL to acrobats birthday tea party but no way is twunt invited!!!!

Good luck with the meeting, Waves. Take notes, repeat things back as well "so, you're suggesting X?" and so on.

Well done sorting Acrobat handovers, that should help you enormously.

Chin up, Waves, you're doing well.

Ask for minutes of the meeting, Waves. If something isn't accurate, submit your changes.

Sorry for the delay. Would these help? I am a size 6 too, but these say they are an 8, but I think it is American sizing. When I got them I reckoned they were going to give me legs to die for! although not likely to happen since they have been under the stairs for years Will pm you.

How's it going, Waves? Worried about you.

Hi... Sorry I had a busy few days and now have a really horrible bug, aches, temperature and was vomiting all night and got no sleep. Takes me rather back to this time last year!

I played the same place as I did last year when Acrobat was about a week off arriving on Friday. It was so lovely to have him in the audience and he had a shaker so perhaps will be my new rhythm section?

With the work thing, it was completely an unofficial "without prejudice" discussion according to the HR lady. Anyway, she reckons she was testing the water to see what may work for me. I took some notes and I think she was rather surprised at how I presented the various issues. I don't think it will be a long term job for me. Just so many abject failures to understand basic legal and regulatory risk and no resourcing and effectively I've just been banging my hea against a brick wall.

I wish I could plan to leave here but sadly it is not possible. Actually my friend's former partner just ran away with their son and the police are involved now as if the parents have parental responsibility, then this classes as abduction if the nrp has not consented. I'm really sad for my friend.

I need to get better. In just a week I have to host the loveliest afternoon tea party EVER to mark Acrobats first birthday.

Hi waves - how are you feeling and how is tea party coming along? (I have recipe for the best ever chocolate cake should you require it ).

I hope you're feeling better now, waves and the bug has passed.

Acrobat's 1st birthday party is going to be THE best ever.

I'm much better now thanks and need to start planning the baking for Sunday.

Today I'm now 2 weeks completely NC with Twunt. I know it's for the best etc etc but just this morning I feel so so sad again. Heartbroken. Thinking of the nice things we did together and the plans we had. It is hurting.

But think of the nicer things that you will do with your lovely children as they grow up. Think of being able to say to all of them 'I did the best I could for you and with you'. Think of the roll model you are for your DD in particular - and for your DS1 in that he can see that its not acceptable for anyone to treat their partner in the way he did to you.

I know that the future you had painted for yourself isn't to be - but that doesn't mean that you can't make it just as good if not better.

Really good going with NC. I know it must be very hard, but its going to be much better for you in the long run.

Congratulations on your two weeks.

Stop tormenting yourself with thinking about the past. Does no good and will only cause you more pain.

Well done on 2 weeks. Baby steps and all that. Stop torturing yourself with make believe and look back at your first thread when he wanted you to abort acrobat and when he was encouraging his kids to be rude and horrible to you. That is what the reality was not all the platitudes he spouted to get you married.

You are givin your dcs such a strong message on how to behave you can really do this.

Waves, it really is a fairy tale. Take a few deep breaths and appreciate how far you've come. Look around you and make a conscious effort to honour and cherish the wonderful elements of your life that you actually have.

I know some consider them a bit soppy, but have you ever considered a gratitude journal?

Hi Waves, I've spent the past few days reading all of your threads after a search for advice on a relationship break up that I'm struggling with. I never expected to catch up so the thread was in real time! :)
Although our situations are very different I just wanted to say what an inspiration you've been (although I know you won't feel it) and that I have managed to take on board advice from yourself and the other lovely ladies on here to hopefully make my journey easier.

I'll keep following but I'm afraid I don't have much in the way of practical advice. I just wanted to say you're doing brilliantly :)