Does anyone remember? Things are pretty crummy now

[wavesandsmiles]

Links to earlier posts

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1813521-Waves-is-determined-to-keep-winning-now-that-Acrobat-has-arrived

My little acrobat is nearly one. This time last year his MN aunties were cheering him on. I've survived a year but things are tough. I have pnd which has been worsening, and was signed off work a couple of weeks ago.

My new job is very stressful but also Twunt continues to mess with my head. I cannot let go. He clicks his fingers and I'm like a bloody lap dog. I hate myself.

I'm not really eating anymore. I find it hard to smile. It feels like my children would really be better off without me.

That's really good news from the GP, and definitely the right thing for you, waves, as long as you don't sit at home and brood.

FWIW, I equate your self-harming behaviour (and I include your contact with the Twunt in that, how else could that be described except as self-harm?) to my own addiction problem. Last night was a blip but it is important that you recognise the trigger that led you to give in to the impulse. That way you can anticipate it next time.

Waves

Long time lurker here. So glad you are having help - especially some psychotherapy. How do you get on with him/her?

I think what you said earlier about wanting to be good enough for your father is very important. I think you've transferred those feelings to your ex, trying to re-live the past and re-write the ending. I discovered it doesn't work like that. Neither does "being good" ensure a happy ending. Far from it. But I'm sure you've realised all that at some level as you are clearly highly intelligent and you've achieved so much- it's no wonder there has now been a reaction. Most important of all you have resolved to put him out of your life and keep him there.

Everyone-Everyone! Has their "enough" point. You're having yours. When I had mine, I kept repeating"this is big, but I am bigger'. Deep breathing sounds like a pathetically trivial solution to the world crumbling fear of a panic attack. But I did it and it works.

You will get through this but you do need support. Choose it wisely. And slow down.

All the very best- I hope the psychiatrist appointment went ok.

The wheel will turn, and the sun will shine on you warmly- maybe sooner than you think. X

Thank you everyone for your advice and support. My appointment was ok. My medication is being increased which should help and I'm going to do a course t

Thank you everyone for your advice and support. My appointment was ok. My medication is being increased which should help and I'm going to do a course to help with emotional reactions or some such thing.

I got very angry with myself during the course of it. It is so frustrating that I work at such a senior level, have achieved so much, academically, musically, in so many other ways. And yet I cannot be normal in terms of emotions and coping strategies. Anyway, he was very good with me and said come on, would you be pulling your hair if you had diabetes? I said well no, and he said, remember there is a biological cause for this which is why the medication is working. That helped. And he said I will get through this a lot easier than a lot of people because I have such a huge number of positive points of reference.

So planning to grab these flickering lights and cling to them and will them to a brightness so strong that the darkness is completely abandoned.

I am also getting a new tattoo. And getting the wedding tattoo on my finger lasered off. Hopefully. And roller skates.

And I am also going to start baking again, and throw the most lovely tea party for Acrobats birthday.

That is a fab post. So glad to see you so much more positive, if I remember rightly weren't you a dab hand at some fantastic ice cream? Get making ice cream and cakes for that gorgeous boys birthday. Hopefully the upped medications and the support here and from your GP will get you back on a better path.

Waves, you children would not be better off with out you. Please dont think that. I wish i could take away your blackness. Depression is so crippling. Things will get better waves, but if you cant shift the black cloud maybe go back to your GP. Thinking of you lots and please please remember your children will always need you.

Sorry Waves missed your last post, so glad your appointment went well. Hope things continue to improve.

Waves I remember you.
You are a heroine.

Just read the whole thread, you are making progress.

I know the feeling that you have made mistakes by getting into an abusive situation but as a very wise poster said to me 'put down the big stick'.

I know the days where I want to cut and the impulse comes over and over again. It is better not to but it isn't the end of the world that you did. It is a coping strategy. Nobody died. And as Holgarth says pain is only pain (thank you Holgarth). Put down the stick now is not the time for tough love it is the time for healing.

I know the feeling that if only he came back and he was kind it would show he did love me, I am loveable, I was not wrong. But he won't he is 't capable. He is m

He is not the measure of you.
You took him back because you possess things which he does not; compassion, empathy, hope and a capacity to love.

Use those gifts wisely. First on yourself!

Massive hugs waves.
Write down your motivational phrases.
Here is mine *I am a born survivor. I will triumph

Hurrah!

Glad you had such good outcomes from both your GP and your psych, that's excellent.

Please still ring the lady I linked to above though - I think she can help you to cut through to a lot of those lingering behaviours that relate to your feelings about yourself and your worth to others, and sort them out.

Here's another one for your list, taken from dolly's post:
I will hold on to the light and watch it grow

x

Waves -- please stop thinking there is such a thing as 'normal' in terms of emotions, and 'normal' in terms of coping strategies.

Every single person is unique, and unique in her way of dealing with whatever life throws at her, and every single emotion in the universe is just there, like water and oxygen -- there's no 'normal' or 'abnormal' to any of it. There are only practical and impractical ways of looking at emotion and responding to pressures. There is no 'good' or 'bad'.

Try not to be angry with yourself for this blip.
There is no standard in any 'School of Life' that you are either failing to attain or coming top of the class at. There will be no report issued at the end of term, either for your professional life or your private life. Nobody will be waiting to congratulate you or say 'Waves, we need to talk about this D- of yours'.

Try to take everything one step at a time, one day at a time.

Try not to be carried away by enthusiasm for the entire future. Try to avoid superlatives when looking ahead and try to look no further than tonight or tomorrow.

Please try to accept that there are going to be days when you feel shitty and unmotivated and starting to panic, and that this doesn't mean you are crossing some line into 'wrong' emotion.

No plan or arrangement you make owes you the fruit you would like to see it bear. If things don't pan out as you plan it is not a reflection on you.
Feeling shitty, deflated and panicking are not signs that you are failing or that you need punishment or that you deserve any other sort of angry response within yourself.
Feeling fabulous and on top of things and full of plans doesn't mean you are finally getting 'Life' 'right'. There is no such thing as 'getting life right' any more than there is 'getting life wrong'.

You do not owe anyone (here or in your doctors' offices) any sort of linear 'progress' in any direction, or any sort of positive emotion or response to life's pressures.

We are all like a braid, with the good, the bad and the ugly all intertwined. The best anyone can do is try to keep sight of the good but just because the bad and the ugly are also there doesn't mean things are 'wrong'.

It sounds as if you are going to be doing some sort of CBT? from what you said about your psychiatrist visit -- I think this will be a good way to learn to take each day as it comes, with no judgement from within as to how you are dealing with it all.

Brilliant post, math

Hi Waves I remember you from your last posts, I lurked then.

I think Math has said everything I would have said. Life isn't a competition, there are no good or bad grades. Learning to be kind to yourself and self soothing would be really good. The techniques helped me when I had a blip a few years ago and harmed myself.

Take care, you have always come across as a lovely woman.

Agree. Brilliant post math

Splendid thoughtful post from math.

Cup that flickering light in your hands, Waves. Breathe quietly on it. Breathe in; breathe out slowly and gently.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Look at the light, protected in your hands.
Breathe in, breathe out on the light gently, a shadow of a breath.
Take it slowly. Take it gently.
Breathe in. Breathe out.

What a post math. Really just what I, miss perfectionist, needed to here.

I've had an ok day. Saw my psychotherapist this morning and that was helpful. Next appointment on Monday. And I've been positively affirmationing myself a lot of the day. Was ok until about 10 mins ago when, with the DCs all in bed I find my stomach in knots and myself shaking a little. I think it's anxiety, some loneliness, some anger. But I do believe I am so much better without twunt. I believe in myself. I also have to call work tomorrow with an update, desperately want t

What a post math. Really just what I, miss perfectionist, needed to here.

I've had an ok day. Saw my psychotherapist this morning and that was helpful. Next appointment on Monday. And I've been positively affirmationing myself a lot of the day. Was ok until about 10 mins ago when, with the DCs all in bed I find my stomach in knots and myself shaking a little. I think it's anxiety, some loneliness, some anger. But I do believe I am so much better without twunt. I believe in myself. I also have to call work tomorrow with an update, desperately want to be back now but also want to ensure I'm properly over this and can give my job the effort it needs.

I guess, having cleaned the house to the extent of bleaching doors today, I might go and play some music for a bit

Hi waves - if you got to 9 o'clock before you felt wobbly, I'd say that was a result . I hope you're playing along to some very angry Alanis Morrissette and feeling a lot better.

That's generally good to hear, apart from the wobble, Waves! Well done, and glad that you are positive affirmationing - it sounds like it's doing good work.

Remember to smile at yourself in the mirror too! As my therapist said (sorry) "It may be the only smile you get all day, so make it a good one" :)

Big hugs xx

WTF is bleaching doors?! Is that something we do now?

Glad you are sounding much more positive. The quiet times are always when the addiction comes knocking the loudest - prepare for it and you will be able to manage the impulse that much better.

How are plans for the rollerskating coming on?

Wobbling is perfectly ok. Just sit with it and remind yourself you don't owe anyone a wobble-free day and that wobbles are not the end of the world, or a portent of doom.. Wobbles come and go.

trib - a friend of mine once told me she bleached her skirting boards - I had much the same reaction to you! - but it seemed that it's to wipe them down with diluted bleach to get the dust etc. out of the crevices, where it tends to be a bit grey. If you don't have crevices in your door (from architraving etc) then your probably don't need to do it. :)

Well, my skirting boards do look pretty shit, so maybe - just maybe - I am willing to give that a try, Thumb :) But Shirley Conran's advice that life is too short to stuff a mushroom applies equally here I think!

I should clarify that I am one of the crappest cleaners in the world! But my white doors were all grubby from small people hand prints and spilled cups of tea (I'm super clumsy) so I diluted some bleach and cleaned them up with a sponge scourer. My house smells unusually "clean" now.

I did bleach some of the skirting boards too.... It got a bit addictive seeing everything looking so sparkly and clean. Almost like new!

Today one of my friends appeared at lunchtime with a bunch of flowers for me which was so sweet.

I'm having a rest at the moment. Taking advantage of acrobat's nap to have a lie down myself.

Is anyone reading this who is involved with HR or similar? Had a fairly confusing meeting with work today and can't explain without giving FAR too many details but would appreciate some advice.

Although as a general question, if someone said "please don't question our intent, we want to support you and ensure you continue with us" would you then be questioning the intent? Eg making out that something was being done from a compassionate perspective whilst actually entirely reducing your role? (My depressed mind thinks they are trying to force me to quit)