Does anyone remember? Things are pretty crummy now

[wavesandsmiles]

Links to earlier posts

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1813521-Waves-is-determined-to-keep-winning-now-that-Acrobat-has-arrived

My little acrobat is nearly one. This time last year his MN aunties were cheering him on. I've survived a year but things are tough. I have pnd which has been worsening, and was signed off work a couple of weeks ago.

My new job is very stressful but also Twunt continues to mess with my head. I cannot let go. He clicks his fingers and I'm like a bloody lap dog. I hate myself.

I'm not really eating anymore. I find it hard to smile. It feels like my children would really be better off without me.

Thanks for the comments. I had a good session with my psychotherapist today. I discovered a book called Quantum Psychology that is really good and we discussed some concepts in that. Also realised that I am still so craving the love in ever felt as a child and am so concerned that I need someone to love me, that I would get into a relationship with pretty much anyone right now. Rather than believe that I am a lovely person with so much going for me that I deserve a really lovely person. But I'm so terrified of being alone, of being single for the rest of my life. It's so hard to explain. I love being in a relationship. I don't like being alone....

waves, it's very unlikely that you will be single for the rest of your life. But don't let your love of being in a relationship blind you to how messy getting into one right now would be: you've got three children who require a lot of your time and energy, you have clinical depression, a house that (iirc) needs work and you have a demanding job. You know, reading that back, I don't think it's a relationship you crave but some practical support, someone you can rely on to help you. Ideally a partner would be the person to provide this but that doesn't always happen , perhaps just look at ways of getting someone to share the load a bit - more childcare, perhaps? Leaning on friends a little?

Great news that you're getting a lot out of your psych sessions.

You do need someone to love you but that person, for now, needs to be YOU.
Once YOU Have learnt to love yourself properly, for who you are and everything you can be, THEN you know what to look for in a partner and if they don't measure up, then they're not going to be a good partner.

It is very unlikely that you will be alone for the rest of your life - but you still need to get that relationship with yourself in order first, then you will ALWAYS have someone to love you. xx

You have 3 people who love you utterly tottalu and with all their hearts. Your children. For now can you let their love be enough and work on you loving you with their help. Maybe ask them to list your best things, you will be surprised what they pick.

Well I was certainly surprised the other day when my 7yo DS announced that the thing he loved most about me was that I dyed my hair.

My 13 yr old told me she loved that I make her laugh and she likes me shouting at other car drivers!

Right, plan is to ask my big two DCs what they love most about me later on. I'm interested to know what their answers will be!

I'm really going to focus on the children and learning to love myself, care for myself, better. I know it's what I need to do to find the inner happy....

Acrobat had some 1st birthday pictures taken... Do you remember the newborn ones? If anyone wants to see, PM me and I'll send the link to the online gallery.

I bet you will howl laughing at the things they tell you. Kids pick up on the littlest thing. Draw up written lists. Them for you and you for them, put them on the kitchen wall and look at them everyday reminding yourself that you are loved, you are enough !

this is a bit tear-jerky but is lovely too - children saying what they really think about their mums, it comes as a bit of a surprise to the mums! (In a good way!)

PMing you for the link - your DC are gorgeous, I remember from last year. x

I was wondering only yesterday how you were waves. X

Wow! What gorgeous photos! You really have a lovely family.

You have a loving relationship already with your children and for anything else there is Anne Summers, etc. Now is not the time to be dating. You need to concentrate on building up your self esteem and respect and making sure all your children feel secure. You don't need a man and when you are ready for a good one it will happen .

I hope you had a fantastic time in England. Are you feeling a bit better?

How are you keeping Waves?

Hello... I have been away so long due to my laptop dying a hideous death and not being able to figure out the mobile site!

The children and I had a lovely holiday, although I broke my wrist on the penultimate day. That was fairly hideous.

However, I am getting better and better and have just returned to work on a "gradual return" basis. So far, so good...

I am seeing counselors regularly, and on medication that seems to be helping enormously. I'm also getting better at saying no! Attempting to remain NC with Twunt but he keeps setting up bloody new email accounts so he can contact me! It's an endless saga of blocking

Ended up meeting someone. Well, 4 someones. I guess my head got to a better place and all of a sudden life went a bit "everyone loves waves". Anyway, I'm now seeing one of the someones, but it's really chilled out. No pressure, no charm (learned my lesson), and no fireworks. Just a nice guy that I can enjoy hanging out with. His family are really nice, and his friends too. We met when I was playing my harp at a local pub and he came up to say how much he enjoyed it after. He's really good at roller skating and roller blading so once my wrist is fixed he is going to teach me.

Anyway, I've not invested myself particularly emotionally - I'm not making the same mistakes I have done in the past. But it's nice. And nice is a good thing.

Acrobat is walking - he took his first steps the day after he turned one, and is now running some of the time, and chattering away. And full of cuddles. DS1 and DD are both doing marvelously, back at school, and enjoying that.

Back to work now - glad I managed to find my way back here

Lovely to hear from you Waves.So glad that you are in a better place.Twunt will always be a twunt but you are lovely and your kids are very lucky to have you.Best wishes. Mx.

Aaah, what a lovely update. I hope you didn't break your wrist roller skating?

Someone nice and steady and normal sounds good.

Can you do your settings on your e-mail so that only addresses in your contacts list can e-mail you? Or get a new e-mail address? Well done on the NC BTW.

Good idea re the email settings - glad you are ok waves

I'm so pleased you've been enjoying yourself over the past few weeks. It sounds as if you feel a lot more anchored and in control and happy. Your ex sounds as if he is desperately trying to push your buttons with the email thing, grit teeth and ignore, the NC thing is probably really winding him up.

Slightly bad luck to break your wrist before you even started rollerskating . And I refer to my post of 4 August: waves, it's very unlikely that you will be single for the rest of your life.

Hi, things took another nose dive. I think it was getting back to full time work and being spread too thin again. Well I say a nose dive, I am still working, and my children are still alive and happy, but things are pretty bad. "nice and steady" turned out to be "utter twunt who was seeing his ex behind my back", back at work but on reduced responsibilities which basically makes me feel like a failure, on-going conflict with my mum, DS1 hates me, my fridge smelled really bad and I found a dead cucumber in there are realized that I am so not on top of the housework.

I'm not eating properly again. I just wish I was strong enough to manage everything. Only seems to take a little and the wheels fall off.

Baby acrobat is doing so well though, he learnt to give kisses and yesterday for the first time he said "night night". It was my birthday so that was a lovely present. DD is a sweetheart, she made me breakfast yesterday as a birthday treat, and is so loving. I nearly killed myself the day before trying to change a car battery. There were firework-type sparks and loud cracks and I singed my hair.

Stupidly phoned exH the night before my dad's birthday. I eneded to speak to someone who understands what it's like to have lost a father, to understand that the pain is still so strong. And then he wriggled back into my head and just a couple of days ago I went full on NC (again). He is my poison, I am sure of that. I have managed to block him from everything though, even work email, so I am determined to keep him away from my head and thoughts this time.

I feel so lonely and like I have so much to do. And not enough time to do anything well enough.

Hang on in there - you are strong. Some days it's just all a bit much though but all you can do is carry on.

I'm so sorry things are difficult again. You'll get through it – you've been through worse. Thinking of you.

I remember that sad feeling when it seemed like there was no one I could share feelings with, like when you were thinking about your dad's birthday. But if you can just tough it out, in a day or two you feel much better and can even feel proud of yourself that you made it on your own!! It's a "fake it until you make it" situation, and it does work!! So just keep on keeping on, ... and breathe.