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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Accused of having no maternal instincts :-(

306 replies

fernley · 08/07/2014 11:13

I was out on a long planned day out with friends on Sunday. Brunch with old friends. Had a text around 7pm from dh to say that ds (6) had broken his arm and they were at the hospital having a cast put on. DD (9) was safely at home with her cousin watching tv. I stayed for another 45 mins and said my goodbyes then went home to be greeted by a furious DH who accused me of having no maternal instincts and that I should have come immediately.

Very similar to a situation a couple of years ago when ds was full of a cold and I went to an activity day for a friends birthday which again had been planned for ages. DH was furious that I went.

I said that I thought we parented jointly and I knew there was nothing I could do at the hospital and that I called DD and she was fine so did not see the problem.

OP posts:
settingsitting · 09/07/2014 09:08

OnesEnough.
Your name says it all really!
What could you do that your husband couldnt for 45 minutes.

noddyholder · 09/07/2014 09:09

I don't get all the fuss. He had his dad. Single parents seem to manage and one of yo could have been at work and the other taken him alone anyway. All this emotive language is unhelpful. My son has been to a and e numerous times with just me or his dad not both and I can assure you aged 20 he is sure he is loved and has no hang ups about who took him where

noddyholder · 09/07/2014 09:13

Setting what has her name got to do with it?

Thenapoleonofcrime · 09/07/2014 09:19

I have certainly taken my dd to A and E without their dad as the other child needed care, but the difference is that I would call them on getting there and with news once we'd been seen. We would stay in constant contact if possible. My husband has also taken my dd's to hospital abroad- again the first thing he would do is phone me even if it is difficult when you are not even in the same country as the child.

I find the lack of communication odd as others have said. The first thing I would do in this situation is call to find out more- is the child very upset, what happened, do you want me to come now or in an hour, is it a bad break?

I wouldn't expect the other parent to drop everything, especially if at work. I can't imagine a friend of mine on a night out getting that text, not immediately calling their husband and sussing the situation out. Very odd to carry on as if no decisions or discussions were needed.

settingsitting · 09/07/2014 09:19

One person is enough.
Never mind. I was never very good at jokes!

rainbowsmiles · 09/07/2014 09:24

Such an interesting thread. I asked my dh last night what he would have done. As I thought, he said he would phone me from hospital to let me know and insist I stay and he had it all under control. He then predicted that I would insist upon coming to hospital anyway- he's probably right. .... But I have old friends who I meet only now and then and I know how valuable that rare afternoon is so I couldn't be sure I'd leave immediately.

But what this thread has made us realise is that our children are comforted equally by both of us. There isn't a favoured parent or one of us they would specifically ask for if upset.

In the end, it's what is best for the kids. The op knows that her children would be fine with only dh to comfort them. That's a good place to be if you ask me.

Sounds like your maternal instinct is strong. You've raised confident children who can cope without you being there and to trust and love their dad. Well done.

Dad sounds like a panic merchant.

mellicauli · 09/07/2014 09:43

Say next time if he needs you to support him, he would do better to say that directly rather than leave you to interpret the facts.

OnesEnough · 09/07/2014 09:44

SETTING don't supposed you've heard the quote about drinking alcohol?

Ones Enough, two's two many and three you want three more.

OnesEnough · 09/07/2014 09:55

In reply to your question SETTING

"What could you do that your husband couldn't for 45 minutes?"

Absolutely nothing but be there for moral support. Nothing more. Nothing less.

We are all different, and handle situations in different ways. I am only conveying my opinion, if that's okay with you SETTING?

Bunnyjo · 09/07/2014 10:02

OP - I have to admit I would not have done what you did. I don't understand why you didn't contact your DH immediately and ask if they needed you, or whether it would be better for you to go home and wait for them there?

I am trying to imagine if a woman posted the same; saying her DH had been out all day with friends, that she text to say DS had broke his arm and it was being set in cast, and that DD was home with an older cousin. Yet, instead of contacting them to make sure all was OK, or going home, he stayed out a while longer? I think there would be a lot of people saying he was a selfish twunt...

rootypig · 09/07/2014 10:03

setting I got the joke!
Ones she was in no way making a dig, calm the fuck down.

This thread is increasingly dire. Women turning on women. Grim.

OP I'm going to repeat my earlier point about getting your DH to talk about his needs directly, rather than couching it in terms of the children. You sound like a good and committed mother in any sane world. I hope you and DH can find a way to communicate about this.

FFSFFS · 09/07/2014 10:09

I'm would have text and checked how everyone was but it wouldn't have crossed my mind to race to the hospital. I'm a really lovely warm Mum (honest!) but why would you need two parents to be with you for a broken arm. I know broken arms hurt I have had a few myself Confused but it's still not a biggie.

My DH would deal with it perfectly and I don't think I would have been missed. If it was a baby or toddler I would go but not for an older child.
Of course, once I had got home I would have 'mothered', fussed and spoilt along with the best of them.

The kids was with her Dad!

girliefriend · 09/07/2014 10:11

I don't understand how you would be able to continue chatting to friends knowing your ds has broken his arm Confused if it were me I would be so distracted knowing that my child was hurt I wouldn't be able to concentrate on anything else.

Although my dd has no contact with her dad so maybe I feel a greater level of responsibility than op.

differentnameforthis · 09/07/2014 10:27

Child with a cold, I understand not being there.

Child with broken limb - I'd get there asap.

As a child of a mother who often thought 'there is nothing I can/could do' I have to say it helped to damage our relationship. She left me in hospital too, except I was alone & had just woken up after an op. I'll never forgive her for that. I was 9. She wouldn't even come back after the sister called her & said I was crying for her.

OnlyLovers · 09/07/2014 10:39

Sounds like your maternal instinct is strong. You've raised confident children who can cope without you being there and to trust and love their dad. Well done.

Well said, rainbow.

This thread is fucking depressing, women bandying about judgements and provocative language to make another woman feel bad about her parenting. You all ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

FFSFFS · 09/07/2014 10:42

I would be so confident that my DH would be able to give all the love and comfort anyone could want for that short while that I wouldn't feel any need to race there at all.

I am a stay at home mum and have always been a 'Motherly' type of mum IYSWIM Wink but as long as either my DH or I were with them I can't imagine any of my kids would have cared at all.

GirlieFriend your Mum sounds like a whole other story. Leaving you alone like that was very mean Sad

saintlyjimjams · 09/07/2014 10:42

Waking up alone after an operation is very different to being with a parent the whole time and about to be sent home.

Whether I would have carried on with my drink or not would have depended on how far home was. I wouldn't have gone rushing to hospital if my child was already being cast, but I would have wanted to be home around the same time as my child (don't see the point of being early). So if there was time for me to finish my drink/lunch whatever and still get home around the same time as my child I would have done that.

Mind you last time ds1 had A&E treatment I had no chance of getting home for hours so I just carried on with everything that was planned and went home the time I would have without his A&E trip. He was with his dad, he was fine.

Saganoren · 09/07/2014 10:51

OP, what did you talk to your friends about for the next 45 minutes? How did you feel? This isn't about maternal instincts, it's about parental instincts I'd be furious if dh carried on drinking with his mates in this situation. It is different from a cold, so I understand you there.

bobbywash · 09/07/2014 11:32

only

People are frequently flamed on here on much less information than the OP has posted, if this was in AIBU, the overwhelming answer would be yes.

OP's reaction is odd from her post, no call to DH or home, and stay with friends that she'd seen for brunch until late evening rather than ask the family if they needed her. I don't know many that would do that of either sex. The fact is OP may not have been needed, but not to check, to me that is cold and not very parental.

settingsitting · 09/07/2014 11:39

She did ring a child.Though I cant remember if it was her daughter at home or her son in hospital.

Original poster
fernley · 09/07/2014 11:50

DS is fine thanks for asking. Very frustrated at not being able to play tennis, having to be just the ref in football at school and missing sports day :-(

OP posts:
OnesEnough · 09/07/2014 12:08

RootyPig - I'm cool! (Was only answering Setting's question - no more, no less).

OP - glad your DS is fine apart from missing out on sports day etc!

Hopefully it won't ruin his summer hols too much! ;-)

LumieresForMe · 09/07/2014 12:17

fernley your poor ds! I know mines would be really frustrated not to be able to go and play tennis/football etc.

Your last posts found very sad though and I'm not sure if this thread has sort of given you the help and support you needed. Have you managed to sort this out a bit with your DH?

OnlyLovers · 09/07/2014 12:24

bobby, 'People are frequently flamed on here on much less information than the OP has posted'. So? I don't think that makes it OK to flame this particular OP on this particular thread. That's a weird argument.

'if this was in AIBU, the overwhelming answer would be yes.' Would it? How do you know that? The answers on here suggest a much more even distribution of opinion.

To you, it was 'cold' of the OP not to check on her child. That's your opinion. But others have a different opinion.

She rang her other child, who potentially was the one who needed parental attention as the OP wasn't sure who was with her. Her DH was attending the other child, the one in hospital. Both children were under the care of a parent. I really don't see the problem.

flappityfanjos · 09/07/2014 12:45

People have been absurdly harsh to the OP on this thread.

If I thought my child was seriously hurt, or that doctors didn't know exactly what was wrong, I'd be there in a flash. If I got a text saying my DC's arm was broken but they were already at the stage of getting the cast on, I'd do pretty much what the OP did - finish up at a time that would get me home at around the same time as DC and DH. There's no bloody point zooming to the hospital if they'll probably be finished and gone by the time you get there.

I might have phoned DH - but having helped hold a child's arm still for a cast to go on, I would more likely assume he had his hands full and couldn't talk just then, and also that he would have put anything urgent in the text in the first place. If OP was needed, she should have been phoned as soon as they got to A&E! Texting after all the triage etc. has been completed doesn't exactly shout emergency to me.

Maybe this is because my daughter did break her arm aged 3 and wasn't remotely traumatised, so I've seen it happen already, but goodness, what a palaver. Of course our children are our top priority, but there are thousands of ways we balance them against our other priorities, every single day. We base it on the severity of their need and the impact our actions will have on them. For a child who's already been in hospital with Dad for hours, is it going to make a huge difference that Mum isn't there for the car ride home? I doubt it.

I also think it's very telling that the OP's DH threw a strop once when she didn't cancel plans over their child having a cold. My four year old has chicken pox, and I've got plans for both tomorrow night and Friday night after DH gets home - unless she is scarily ill, you bet I'm still going out. I love her more than life, but her being non-dangerously ill (or hurt) doesn't cast me into such despair that I can think of nothing else. Sorry.