Accused of having no maternal instincts :-(

[fernley]

I was out on a long planned day out with friends on Sunday. Brunch with old friends. Had a text around 7pm from dh to say that ds (6) had broken his arm and they were at the hospital having a cast put on. DD (9) was safely at home with her cousin watching tv. I stayed for another 45 mins and said my goodbyes then went home to be greeted by a furious DH who accused me of having no maternal instincts and that I should have come immediately.

Very similar to a situation a couple of years ago when ds was full of a cold and I went to an activity day for a friends birthday which again had been planned for ages. DH was furious that I went.

I said that I thought we parented jointly and I knew there was nothing I could do at the hospital and that I called DD and she was fine so did not see the problem.

All these people with 2 parents rushing to a&e to support their child/spouse. What on earth do you do with your other children??

I would say a upset child with a broken arm and a dh who would like her support is a real need.

So you would go which is as it should be.

The OP's DH didn't ask her to come and support him or say that the child was upset. She felt confident that her child was fine with his dad.

But you see showing commitment when I was a chd meant that my mum took me to a few activities, fed me, gave a roof and was interested in me as a person ie she was happy to talk to me, have conversations and discussions etc. same with my dad. I remember foundry the mornings when hevea screaming me to school and we were having a chat together.
It didn't entail my mum and dad being there for me all the time.
Now ds1 is feeling left out because I can't go to performances/sport events because so many if the other parents do. Am I less involved and committed to my child than my parents were? I don't think so but what he sees around is giving him the message that I prioritise other things over him (and yes it also includes seeing some friends rather than watching him playing cricket because that's the only time I can do it).
I think it's the same in some ways re going up A&E. Depending on how people react around you, your reaction might look ok or not. Even though your commitment to the child is the same (wobtslkingbabout tje fact some parents would rush to hospital, make a big visible fuss around the child but actually have little interest in the child himself).
I really think that judging a parent commitment to their child on ONE act to knowing what is going on around is crap.

Bonsoir: "It's not about feeling loved, blueshoes. It's about parents consistently demonstrating commitment to their DC commensurate with the circumstances, such that if and when there is a real need the children trust their parents will prioritise them."

Which begs the question. Is there a real need in this situation? How is one parent being there the whole time not being "prioritised"?

You must surely appreciate that your parents are busy people who don't always drop everything. Children are not the centre of their parents' lives. I am afraid you are being rather precious if you wanted both parents should come flying to A&E whilst your arm is being set in a cast. But I can understand your distorted perception might be a manifestation of the lack of fuss your parents made of you as a child.

children being important. I'm not sure what siblings are meant to do while one child is being cared for by both parents demonstrating their love.

I do get that there are times when it's helpful if both parents can be there (anything involving ds1 and a hospital in our case), but one neurotypical child getting a cast wouldn't be one of those times in this house.

I think your dh shouldn't have said what he said, however for me personally I would have come home and expect my dh to do the same if he was out with friends.

Could it possibly be that he was anxious about your dc left at home with the 16 year old rather than wanting you at the hospital?
Im wondering if the 16 year old a) has any experience in looking after children b) whether she actually wanted to watch your other dc or whether she was asked to do it as you weren't there under the condition your dh would contact you and c) whether you dh was confident in her ability to care for your other dc.

If your dh had to deal with your dc breaking arm, organising someone to come and care for dc 2 going to hospital being worried about dc he was there with and dc he had left behind. There is nothing worse than worrying about the child you have left at home while in hospital with another child. I imagine he was feeling anxious worried and guilty and textd you to tell you what happened. If he then came home and thought you were still out having a good time while he had been running round trying to sort 2 children in an emergency I can see how he would get shitty about it. If I am being completely honest I would have a go at my husband for the same because I would be feeling utterly frazzled.

He could have communicated better by text but He could also have been dealing with your upset child and sending quick texts

"Children are not the centre of their parents' lives."

Children, when they are six, need to feel that they and their needs are the centre of their parents' lives. Not some sort of peripheral toy to be played with when parents have nothing better to do, or a set of achievements that can add to their parents' collection of trophies and status symbols.

Not some sort of peripheral toy to be played with when parents have nothing better to do, or a set of achievements that can add to their parents' collection of trophies and status symbols.

Look, sorry, but why in god's name would a six year old feel all that because his mother missed the very end of an A&E visit that she hadn't even known about until it was almost over? He wasn't being ignored, he had a parent with him, he had his other parent's attention very soon after he got home.

Not some sort of peripheral toy to be played with when parents have nothing better to do, or a set of achievements that can add to their parents' collection of trophies and status symbols.

Bonsoir you keep taking these leaps. Of course our own experience is often relevant and even valuable to a thread. But you have gone far beyond what the OP described. It seems to me that you're talking about your parents, and not the OP; about how you felt, not how the OP's child does. In that case it is unkind to use such emotive language.

Never understoof that point of view that "children are not the centre of their parents lives" Maybe not as they grow older but what the hell would be at the centre of their parents lives then if not them - their career, their social life? All seems superficial compared to your family and their needs.

It's absolutely nothing to do with my experience.

A mother who prefers to carry on playing with her friends to soothing her DC with a broken arm is very self-absorbed.

Good grief. Your son was safe with his father and being treated appropriately in the right place, a hospital. Your other child was safe at home with a babysitter.

You did nothing wrong. Your dh had a pop, possibly because he was stressed, or he resents you having any time to yourself, or for 1000 other reasons but NOT because you are 'a bad mother'. That's ridiculous.

Seems some men want it both ways, want to be seen as equal parents but still insist on blaming the mother when anything goes wrong, even if/especially if she wasn't even there!

Bonsoir, the things you're saying are offensive, massively judgemental and plain weird.

'playing with her friends'? How sneery is that?

Not some sort of peripheral toy to be played with when parents have nothing better to do, or a set of achievements that can add to their parents' collection of trophies and status symbols.

Where the ACTUAL FUCK did you get that from? It's not anywhere in the OP's posts.

How much 'soothing time' did she miss out on bonsoir? No point going to the hospital if the child was finishing up - so unless they live right next door - what do we reckon? Ten minutes? Twenty?

I can't imagine staying out with friends and finishing up an evening if I knew my child was in A&E because it seems strange and pretty cold, if I'm being honest. I'd be worried and anxious and want to be with them as quickly as possible. More socialising would not be on my agenda.

However, that's clearly not going to be the reaction of every parent, and nor does it have to be - that's the point.

The maternal instinct comment was out of line, but if I told my DH that one of our sons had a broken arm and he stayed out for another drink, well, I would be very puzzled indeed by that choice.

Well then Bonsoir the things you have to say are just utterly odd.

Either you have children, in which case I am temped to make some off the cuff remarks about how suffocated they must be, being the only reason for their parents' existence....

or you don't, in which case what you have to say is the more laughable.

I have never agreed with Bonsoir before, and I certainly don't agree with her means of expressing her feelings here... but honestly? A six year old with a broken arm doesn't need his mum, and to know that his Mum wanted to be with him, in that situation?

I'd be absolutely furious if DH didn't drop an evening out in this situation to come and comfort the child. It's a no-brainer, surely? To be honest, I would also worry about the calm analysis that the kids were both safe and cared for, because surely when a parent of a really very small child, the gut instinct is to be there and to look after them when things happen? Of course that isn't always possible, but here, a drink out was the priority - seriously? I would be concerned about why the parental instinct was muted, tbh, yes.

A mother who prefers to carry on playing with her friends to soothing her DC with a broken arm is very self-absorbed.

What if the child didn't need soothing but was fine with his father and rather enjoying proudly showing off his new cast?

I too think that alot of the responses have been hysterical.
Dh has taken ds1 to A&E. Dh is fabulous and calm in these circumstances.
No need for me to attend.

Well said perfectstorm - if a woman posted the same thing about her husband staying at the pub leaving her in hospital on her own with her son - he would have his balls ripped off.

Bonsoir makes comments that are very rude and incredibly insulting. And emotive, groundless and without evidence.

I've frequently disagreed with Bonsoir, and she was needlessly rude and hyperbolic here. I don't think castigating anyone who isn't abusing children is ever helpful. But a small child with a broken arm does, in my view, need his or her parents, and if curtailing an evening out is all it takes to fulfil that need then I don't understand someone not doing so.

Honestly, I don't mean to have a go, OP. We all parent differently and I don't question your love for and commitment to your kids. But I do wonder if things aren't rather hard at home at the moment, perhaps, and that's muting the gut instincts where they are concerned - that you don't seem to feel needed, or that you need to be with them in times of exigency?

Bonsoir has gone a lot further than saying that s/he thought the OP should have been with her child - a position many here have taken without attracting any opprobrium.

Sometimes Bonsior goes out on a limb.
I often wonder if she agrees with herself next morning!