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Original poster

Accused of having no maternal instincts :-(

306 replies

fernley · 08/07/2014 11:13

I was out on a long planned day out with friends on Sunday. Brunch with old friends. Had a text around 7pm from dh to say that ds (6) had broken his arm and they were at the hospital having a cast put on. DD (9) was safely at home with her cousin watching tv. I stayed for another 45 mins and said my goodbyes then went home to be greeted by a furious DH who accused me of having no maternal instincts and that I should have come immediately.

Very similar to a situation a couple of years ago when ds was full of a cold and I went to an activity day for a friends birthday which again had been planned for ages. DH was furious that I went.

I said that I thought we parented jointly and I knew there was nothing I could do at the hospital and that I called DD and she was fine so did not see the problem.

OP posts:
I8toys · 08/07/2014 20:16

From reading the posts - the most common reaction would be to go straight away to comfort your child. So the reality is that she didn't leave when told and stayed with her friends.

SevenZarkSeven · 08/07/2014 20:22

"Your child probably asked where you were and your DH would have had to say she's still out on the lash son."

Well he wouldn't have to say that would he.

A few parents on here seem to think it is a reasonable reaction, if the other parent isn't there, to say things that will make the child feel unloved. I think that is a terrible approach. I would never say anything like that about DH. Why would you make your child doubt their parent just to make some kind of point Confused

Do normal people really behave like this? The whole thread a really weird read for me!

I8toys · 08/07/2014 20:27

The thing is the OP put him in an awkward position and if he wasn't handling it well anything could be said - who knows - it is pure speculation.

Maybe reading more into it but are there other issues that point him to making this comment?

smokeandfluff · 08/07/2014 20:45

Op-you met your friends for brunch, I assume at around 10/11am? So by 7pm you would have spent most of the day with them? Am a bit surprised you prioritised another 45 minutes in their company over going to your injured son.
What your dh said wasn't nice, but he was probably stressed out, understandable in those circumstances.

flipchart · 08/07/2014 20:53

Everyone is still focussing on the hospital incident and DH being furious and seemingly forgetting that DH was furious once again when the child had a cold.

I8toys · 08/07/2014 21:02

We don't know how old the child was when they had a cold maybe 3 or 4 - not life threatening but I know if my young child was ill - they would be clingy with me and would just not want dad. Its just how it is.

Its the "long planned thing" that gets me - we all have plans but sometimes other things have to take priority.

OnesEnough · 08/07/2014 21:08

L8toys - totally agree.

SevenZarkSeven · 08/07/2014 21:15

You would cancel long term plans involving something that had been booked (maybe deposits paid etc) for a friend's birthday because your child had a cold?

Well that's up to you obviously but you need to understand that many people wouldn't and that is fine too.

rosepetalsoup · 08/07/2014 21:18

Absolutely hysterical that this thread is still going. OP - has anyone asked you how your poor son is now? I hope he has recovered.

I8toys · 08/07/2014 21:26

Deposit or child...deposit or child.....hmmm let me ponder for a sec - child.

SevenZarkSeven · 08/07/2014 21:30

Well yeah I wouldn't cancel something like that because my child had a cold.

You can be as chin rubby as you like because really, you are being ridiculous. You can feel free to cancel as many things as you like when your children have colds but to imply that others who do not do so are inadequate parents in some way it genuinely, utterly ludicrous!

I8toys · 08/07/2014 21:31

Not inadequate - just different priorities.

Goldmandra · 08/07/2014 21:34

Not different priorities - just different children.

SevenZarkSeven · 08/07/2014 21:37

The other thing is, my children love their dad, and he is a patient, kind and competent parent, and they are perfectly cheerful to be looked after by him when they have colds, or indeed other illnesses.

I don't see where priorities come into it. A child with a cold who is being appropriately looked after by a parent has no need to be prioritised or otherwise - they are just fine. No need to cancel anything.

blueshoes · 08/07/2014 23:01

Lumieres: "Actually the issue here us a massive one. It's the idea that when you are a mum, nothing, nothing at all is more important than your child and you should always drop everything at the top of the hat fir them."

This. Don't see any issue with what the OP did. Her ds was well taken care of by her DH and the hospital. It was not an emergency. She got there after a 45 min pause.

Oleoleole · 08/07/2014 23:42

I'd react the same way as OP. In fact I probably wouldn't go home after the 45 mins unless my child was crying for me and I'd been asked, specifically. My DH is as good a parent as I am and capable of handling minor situations on his own.

saintlyjimjams · 08/07/2014 23:44

With 3 kids if I cancelled for a cold I'd never go out. Ds2 has one this week, ds1 had one last week.... you get the idea.

Bankwadgery · 08/07/2014 23:51

Possibly important point has been missed here I think that the OP's DH got angry to avoid feeling guilty or the OP being angry with him, their DS was in his care and he broke his arm, I am not suggesting it was anybody's fault, acciidents happen everyday but I know I would be questioning myself and asking if I could have prevented it happening if my DS broke his arm whilst under my supervision.

Other than that really don't think you did anything wrong OP other than be a woman who has a life outside of her children which is a good thing in my opinion.

bouncingbelle · 09/07/2014 01:38

Totally agree with what batman said.

If one of my friends got a call like that whilst we were out and their first instinct wasn't to go to their child (purely because THEY wanted to, of course the child would be ok with his father) I wouldn't think much of them tbh.

The going out to a planned engagement when child had a cold but he other parent was able to stay with them- meh, totally fine.

sykadelic · 09/07/2014 03:32

Okay so you were out with friends and got his text a little late so weren't there for the actual incident, just would have been there for the cast.

My reaction would have been to get up and call him, or text him if he can't take calls, asking if I should meet him at home or at the hospital. I would have then made my excuses and gone home to comfort my child.

I would have thought lack of communication is the issue here; him not asking you to come, you not asking if he wanted you to. But then the cold thing is weird too, depending on your child. Some people don't handle colds well and wants mummy (or daddy) around. If stuff needs to be done though, or commitments have been made, you can't drop everything.

From this thread though it's apparent most people would have found out the status or at least gone home immediately to be there for the child. A broken bone is a little traumatic for anyone really the first time) Plus the pain meds. Plus the weird cast.

Sounds like your 'D'H is very judgmental when it comes to your parenting style. I think a big talk is in order. As others have said, his comment is more offensive to me than your reaction (or lack thereof).

saintlyjimjams · 09/07/2014 06:26

just would have been there for the cast

Unless she had a tardis or teleporter no she wouldn't have been - that was already being done.

There are honestly people who would cancel plans because their child had a cold??? The mind boggles. My children's own plans don't get cancelled for a cold & they continue to go to school - why on earth would I cancel mine?

OnesEnough · 09/07/2014 07:51

Having sustained a fair few broken bones, some particularly nasty ones and others more minor, I just can't get my head around a mother sitting chatting to her friends for 45 minutes when she'd spent the best part of the day with them already. Granted if she was in a work situation/a few hundred miles away etc etc., but just talking to her mates - no.

I won't debate the severity of accidents (don't have the will or the time), but there are some occasions in life that constitute showing a child 100% moral support, and for me, this is one of them.

Fwiw we had 3 A&E visits last year and me and my DH (of his own volition and believe me there is nothing wimpy about him) went as soon as we could. No other children to look after/working away etc., so obviously easy in terms of logistics, but would either one of us have sat chatting to friends instead? No way.

Op, I hope your DS is OK? Perhaps he's not aware of the chatting to your friends bit anyway.
Fwiw, had A&E situations three times last year, and each time myself and DH (of his own volition and believe me he is not a wimpy man at all) were there as fast as we could. Only one child, not away on business etc., so accept that logistically a lot easier than a lot of people with more children.

I hope your DS is okay OP.

OnesEnough · 09/07/2014 07:53

Sorry thought I'd lost that bit, hence repeat!

Appletini · 09/07/2014 09:02

You sound oddly detached from your children. I agree with your DH. I can't believe you stayed for 45 minutes. I am hiding this thread now.

settingsitting · 09/07/2014 09:06

Good point Bank. That could easily be what he was doing.
I hope that the op has had a bit of a heart to heart with her husband.

And that her son's arm heals well Thanks