Accused of having no maternal instincts :-(

[fernley]

I was out on a long planned day out with friends on Sunday. Brunch with old friends. Had a text around 7pm from dh to say that ds (6) had broken his arm and they were at the hospital having a cast put on. DD (9) was safely at home with her cousin watching tv. I stayed for another 45 mins and said my goodbyes then went home to be greeted by a furious DH who accused me of having no maternal instincts and that I should have come immediately.

Very similar to a situation a couple of years ago when ds was full of a cold and I went to an activity day for a friends birthday which again had been planned for ages. DH was furious that I went.

I said that I thought we parented jointly and I knew there was nothing I could do at the hospital and that I called DD and she was fine so did not see the problem.

Ones, it does make a difference if you are a parent of more than one child. If a child is in A&E, the other parent has to look after the other children. No point dragging the whole family to A&E which is stressful and involves long waits and queues.

In each case where one of my children was in A&E (not serious emergency but needed urgent attention), only one parent was there because the other was at home with the other children. Both parents there would have been OTT and frankly unnecessary. In fact, it was more often than not dh at hospital because he could drive there and find parking.

It is quite common to split up the care once you have more than one. Don't see the fuss.

I seem to have hit a nerve with people given how strong the feelings are on this thread. I am sad, and no I have not managed to discuss it further with DH as we have had family staying until today.

BLUESHOES - I totally agree, I don't think you read my post correctly?

We've only got one child, so it's always been easy for both of us to attend iyswim.

I fully appreciate with more children, it's just not practical.

fernley as you can see the way you reacted can be seen as normal by some and really bizarre by others.
I think you will really have to put that into context and see what your DH expectations/beliefs are re rushing to your child. YY might also want to look at his expectations on what he sees as his role and your role vs the children and how confortable he was in this situation.
I know for exams that my DH would be very uncomfortable but would equally be quite upset if I thought he couldn't handle it on his own. So he would prefer I leave to it and step up later on when everyone is back home.

I really hope things will settle down.

ONES, there is no one correct way to read a post.

I guess we are weird in that both of us get very anxious with hospitals due to recent family and friend history with the hospital.

So whilst our DD would obviously prefer both of us in attendance, but be fine with one, actually the bigger issue for us is how the other is feeling.

I am with your husband.

I wouldn't have gone to the hospital if she was already having the cast on but no way could I sit and chat to friends knowing my child was in pain.

I would have gone home straight away at the very least just because I would have been too worried to carry on having fun.

My husband has taken the children a few times while I sat with the others so I don't think I am the only one who can handle a hurt child. I just couldn't carry on enjoying myself while it was happening.

Fernley. I think your husband is out of order here. He doesn't seem to be able to handle your children unless everything is tickety boo. I once left my 2 year old with my parents when he had chicken pox so I could go on a long awaited night out (probably once a year in those days) I can start a thread on that if you like and take some of the heat if you prefer

I was brought up in a family where hospital visits, illness etc were minimised and "fuss" was frowned upon. As an adult I have, thankfully, learned better. Though I still despair of my parents!

So Bonsoir, having the father there at A&E in hospital is not enough "fuss" for you?

I am the hysterical emotional one when it comes to our dc, whereas dh is the rational one. In your position OP he wouldn't have rushed to the hospital but he would have phoned me immediately on getting my text. I would find it hard to forgive him if he couldn't even give me a quick call to see how I/dc were doing.

I have done 7 A&E run in the last 10 years and have always found them stressful and upsetting so I guess to some extent I have 'trained' him in how to support me.

The thread has been mainly about one particular interaction where your H has been critical of your parenting, and a lot of people have said they can understand where he's coming from.

OP, you might need a new thread if you're concerned that there is a pattern of your H denigrating your parenting. You'd need to give more examples. I know you mentioned the time your dc had a cold, but it's hard to comment on that, given a "cold" might suggest anything from a couple of sneezes to suspected bronchitis, depending on who is describing it.

It is horrible to have your parenting criticised, and yes, it can be an abusive strategy. But on the basis of what you've described here, I don't think there's a consensus that your H is necessarily out of order.

blueshoes - definitely not.

I was brought up in a family where hospital visits, illness etc were minimised and "fuss" was frowned upon.

That doesn't entitle you to project your view of your parents onto someone else who you don't know.

So Bonsoir, you would need both your mother and father there in A&E whilst your cast is being done before you feel loved?

I was brought up in a family where hospital visits, illness etc were minimised and "fuss" was frowned upon. As an adult I have, thankfully, learned better.

There needs to be a balance.

A distressed child, unpleasant or painful treatment or a life threatening illness or injury are all good reasons for parent 2 to join parent one at the hospital ASAP.

A simple broken arm on a calm child being put in a cast doesn't necessarily require the presence of two parents.

Frowning up on fuss when the child is upset is harsh but making a bigger fuss than is necessary can cause a formerly calm child to think there's something to be upset about. That really doesn't help.

Children have such individual responses to these situations that you have to take each one on its merits and do whatever seems most appropriate at the time.

This thread is just odd. So many borderline hysterical responses, and some very nasty ones.

OP, I'm the sort of person who would have a major attack of guilt and rush straight off to the hospital to mollycoddle reassure child and dh but my dh is a flapper, and would be all over the place with a child's broken bone. It would be necessary for me to be there.

It doesn't sound like it was necessary for you to be there - and I infer that from your husband not alerting you to the incident until your son had already been seen by a doctor and was having the cast done.

The maternal instinct comment was cruel and uncalled for.

It's not about feeling loved, blueshoes. It's about parents consistently demonstrating commitment to their DC commensurate with the circumstances, such that if and when there is a real need the children trust their parents will prioritise them.

Bonsoir - one of my best friends was an only child of whom enough 'fuss' to satisfy you was made every time she was ill. She was never in any doubt of her parents 'commitment', however has grown up into a hypochondriac.

The OP could 'demonstrate commitment' as soon as she got home, which was shortly after her son.

I remember breaking a bone in my foot as a child, while playing a game at home, both my parents were there, but my mum took me to A&E.
It has never crossed my mind that my father failed to demonstrate commitment in not attending A&E with me, in fact I would have found it odd and pointless if he had.

Bonsoir, the child was fully and adequetly prioritised, it wasn't left at home screaming in pain whilst the parents finished their telly program (as far as we know) the child was taken by a competant parent to have the problem fixed. it doesn't actually need 2 people to take 1 child to hospital.
or does "real need... prioritised" mean being the center of attention?

p.s. I agree with the OP, everything was under control, father didn't mention child was crying for mum.

if and when there is a real need the children trust their parents will prioritise them

That's the crux of the matter.

The OP was confident that her DS was OK and didn't need her.

The difference of opinion isn't about whether she should have prioritised him when he needed her. It's about whether there was a real need in the first place.

I would say a upset child with a broken arm and a dh who would like her support is a real need.

p.s. I agree with the OP, everything was under control, father didn't mention child was crying for mum

I think if op did say that she would have got lynched on here

Sorry haven't read the whole thread (I know I know) but am I the only person on this thread who read the OP and assumed that the intention was for her to go home for the benefit of the other child who apparently was being minded by the cousin???

With regards to a broken arm or the like I would imagine my DP would be more than capable of dealing with it on his own. I don't quite that this whole a child needs it mother syndrome that appears a lot on MN. I would say a child needs their parent???

Our youngest had a few asthma related admissions to hospital but my DP was needed to sort out our eldest rather than anything else in the first instance.