Did I do the right things by threatening to contact the police or was I OTT?

[CharlieBrookerScowl]

Broke up with my ex 3 and a half weeks ago. We'd been together almost 2yrs. At first he was angry and that was fine. I was very clear, everytime he asked in that first week, that it was 100% over. I had many reasons and felt he'd never change and I'd been very stressed and unhappy for months before.

The second week I'd asked him not to contact me and then got a few texts after that but he eventually left it. After lots of emotionally manipulative texts. I'm talking long essays about how sad he is/misses me & DS (not his and he was crap with him when we were together)/his family are upset/other kids keep asking after DS.

Then yesterday, after a week and a half of no contact (thank god, I thought that was it) he contacted me out of the blue with another guilt-trippy essay and begged me to just talk to him for a few minutes. It caught me off guard so I stupidly agreed as he said he just wanted to ask after DS etc (I am such a bloody idiot). He almost managed to talk me into meeting yesterday but I just said I couldn't handle it/didn't trust him not to try and beat me submission (not physically!) like he had been since we split. He really seemed to think enough harassment would win me back!

He sent lots of texts that I ignored after that begging to come over for just fifteen minutes and I was actually really creeped out all night. It was crap and every sound had me on edge (I live in a ground floor flat and needed the windows open as it was so hot)!

I replied in the morning saying please don't contact me. I asked you not to contact me before. To which he sent another essay begging to come over/we need to be together/give it a chance and I just saw red. I don't want to feel scared in my own home!! So I threatened to call 101 (and meant it). Was sent a reply along the lines of 'I can't believe you'd threaten that when I'm just telling you I love you' Err I asked you not to contact me twice, in plain terms and you're scaring me. He has form for ignoring me wrt to boundary issues anyway.

I wasn't being OTT was I!?

It's 100% understandable to struggle with a break up and if it meant a lot to you, to be devastated etc and I can sympathize with that. It's horrid.

But it's no excuse and does not make it ok.

How did this friend of his contact you? By text? Did he have your number?

I think you have serious grounds to get a Non Mol order out on him.

Interesting also that he is now managing to spin yet another version of events in which he is prepared to take you back, implying he dumped you.

Yes. Angry but would consider a reconciliation...
!

on what planet does that have any bearing on the truth.

IMO he's not struggling, so much as amazed he can't control you and you won't take him back - despite his bullying charm offensive...

His friend messaged me on FB. We weren't 'fb' friends and I hadn't remembered him from when we met until he messaged me.

I'll inform them on sunday.

It's ridiculous

He can't believe his constant emotional blackmail didn't win me over. It's not shocking though is it. It wouldn't work on me though. Not now, he's tried it before, we got back together and look what changed. Nothing! I'm not a total idiot

I wonder if it's worth replying to the next 'friend' who gets dragged in to this with something along the lines of 'Dear [friend]. I dumped [loser] and have no intention of taking him back. I have had to involve the police already due to his stalking and harassment of me. I would prefer not to have to report anyone else to the police but will do so if necessary. I do not wish to hear from [loser] and have no further interest in him or his life. Perhaps you could pass the word to the rest of your friends.'
Most people (ioe mutual friends) will shy off at this point, or confine their own involvement to patting the dumped person on the back and going 'Leave it, mate, it's not worth the hassle'.

Try to limit who can message you on FB - instructions here. I'm assuming in this case it was actually your ex using his friend's FB account, actually.

The next time this happens I would just say 'look, this is currently a police matter and I'd like to keep you out of it, okay?'. That should deter any genuine, if misguided, friends.

Well worded solid, though i'd be tempted to put it as my fecking status if it were me.

Agree too with the upping of privacy and limit who can send messages.

I found this the hard way when the nutter I dumped messaged me over a year after i'd dumped him, involving the police too actually. We were never even FB friends, I had no idea anyone can fm message you!

SGB's strategy seems a good one, perhaps word it in a way that doesn't sound too defensive, but emphasising clearly the facts about police involvement.

Can you be an accomplice in stalking? Cos that's what he is dragging them into.

It does make me feel concerned though that he is going to these lengths, it's almost delusional. Tell the police about it.

There is a certain amount of cultural weight on this man's side. We are often encouraged to see the deluded stalky inadequate as a Romantic Hero, after all. In film after film, book after book, song after song, the not-very-attractive loser is depicted waging a similar campaign of harassment and being rewarded at the end by Getting The Girl. If this man is selfish and immature rather than actively malevolent, this is probably what's going through his mind.
It doesn't mean the OP has to put up with it, or that it actually is romantic and glamourous. It's just tedious, upsetting bullshit and he's still a wanker.

SGB - YY.

The scene in Love Actually where Whatsisname Lincoln does the "I love you but you dont love me so I am making it your problem" to Keira Knightly is a classic example.

What Charlies ex doesnt get is that the tortured hero only works in literature and on film, in real life you just look like knob.

A knob

He's more selfish and immature than malicious. He clearly thought I'd find it all romantic as he was fighting for me etc. But now it's just gone too far.

I'm really pissed off. I was feeling great yesterday.

Now I'm wondering if it's my bloody fault. It's not, is it!?

In my OP I put how he contacted me out of the blue last fri after a week of no contact and how I agreed to meet out of guilt initially then realized it was a terrible idea so texted him in the morning to say he shouldn't have contacted me, that I didn't want to see him and that I would call the police if he showed up/didn't stop contacting.

His friend's message last night did say that he's angry as I gave him the wrong impression what? That I'd call the police if he came over by having a wobble on friday. But I only had the wobble because ex caught me off guard and made a short sharp U turn. And that's the only wobble I'd had in the whole 3 weeks, so he picked that out of all the other times I said I didn't want to see him/speak to him and asking him to just leave me alone?

Argh

Going by the history and how he's 'worn me down' a few times before by guilt tripping/begging for forgiveness/another chance etc I think he saw that he'd had an effect, and regardless of me changing my mind he thought if he came over he'd have more of an affect/a better shot at making me give in. (He certainly had more of an affect but not in the way he hoped)!

Solid - I told one of my friends what happened and how much it scared me and how he's been walking past staring in and roping friends in to message me and she kept saying 'well he is heartbroken and just trying to win you back'.

I wouldn't dream of harassing an ex like that. Even if I wanted to, you just don't.

It feels like besides 2 of my very close friends and DM, I'm the only one who's seeing it as wrong. Everyone just feels sorry for him and thinks I'm being cold hearted. But all they're seeing is the 'heartbroken nice-guy'. They weren't there every time he let me down. Or every time he made disrespectful comments/just showed a total lack of respect in general. And they weren't there when he showed up and scared the shit out me. He wasn't being rational, he wasn't listening, he was trying to come in and he wouldn't leave.

Abusive people are great at painting imaginative pictures to the outside world. They'll lie and tell all and sundry how hard they have things, just to garner sympathy for themselves, and deny you sympathy from those around you.

I'm doubting the 'he's never done this much to fight for anyone before' do you know anyone he's gone out with? Has he always been the one in the past to end things?

This is not your fault. He's just making it look like that to further intimidate you.

Have you read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft?

You were right to end this. He's really weird and not at all nice. Even if he was as nice as he's pretending to have been, if you want to end the relationship, it's always your right to do so.

I'd say that you need to edit your friends after this. Keep only those who support you. Dump those that don't.

Thank you. I just needed to hear that it wasn't somehow my fault for cracking a bit on friday. I wasn't expecting any contact and it was late at night always the worst bloody time and it was this long essay about how his niece kept asking after DS and he had to leave the room crying and listed all the things he missed about me and begged for a 15 min chat that he'd leave of his own accord yeah fucking right.

And I was very clear after that he was not to contact me, not to come over and that I wanted to be left alone, and that if he wasn't capable of it I'd get the police involved.

He's always the one who gets dumped but he really does ignore his last ex and she told me she ended it because of her own issues and he hasn't talked to her since the day they broke up. They were together for a year. My ex said it was because of DS and the future we planned that he 'couldn't let it go' etc. He just partied a lot with his ex I think. Not sure though.

I don't know about other exes besides what he told me.

And yeah, I won't talk to that friend about it again. She said she was just trying to see it from both sides but I said the side he's presenting isn't his side. It's just what he wants people to see.

But he did really use the sympathy card (about his last relationship) when we were getting together.

The more I hear about this message from 'his friend' the more I am convinced it was him using his friend's FB account. Doesn't his friend seem awfully well-informed to you?

Is it your fault because you momentarily said he could come over and changed your mind? No. You changed your mind back, you told him NOT to come over. But he did anyway, in a very intimidating and scary way.

He doesn't respect your choices. It sounds like he never has.

I don't think it was him. It was one of his closest friends and it sounded like he'd been spun a line anyway. He clearly didn't know even half of the truth.

He never has really respected me/what I want/ask for.