Did I do the right things by threatening to contact the police or was I OTT?

[CharlieBrookerScowl]

Broke up with my ex 3 and a half weeks ago. We'd been together almost 2yrs. At first he was angry and that was fine. I was very clear, everytime he asked in that first week, that it was 100% over. I had many reasons and felt he'd never change and I'd been very stressed and unhappy for months before.

The second week I'd asked him not to contact me and then got a few texts after that but he eventually left it. After lots of emotionally manipulative texts. I'm talking long essays about how sad he is/misses me & DS (not his and he was crap with him when we were together)/his family are upset/other kids keep asking after DS.

Then yesterday, after a week and a half of no contact (thank god, I thought that was it) he contacted me out of the blue with another guilt-trippy essay and begged me to just talk to him for a few minutes. It caught me off guard so I stupidly agreed as he said he just wanted to ask after DS etc (I am such a bloody idiot). He almost managed to talk me into meeting yesterday but I just said I couldn't handle it/didn't trust him not to try and beat me submission (not physically!) like he had been since we split. He really seemed to think enough harassment would win me back!

He sent lots of texts that I ignored after that begging to come over for just fifteen minutes and I was actually really creeped out all night. It was crap and every sound had me on edge (I live in a ground floor flat and needed the windows open as it was so hot)!

I replied in the morning saying please don't contact me. I asked you not to contact me before. To which he sent another essay begging to come over/we need to be together/give it a chance and I just saw red. I don't want to feel scared in my own home!! So I threatened to call 101 (and meant it). Was sent a reply along the lines of 'I can't believe you'd threaten that when I'm just telling you I love you' Err I asked you not to contact me twice, in plain terms and you're scaring me. He has form for ignoring me wrt to boundary issues anyway.

I wasn't being OTT was I!?

You poor thing! This is such a nightmare to go through. I bet you can't wait for Sunday, when hopefully the police will be able to definitely bring this situation to an end.

Remember that this man has no right to do this to you.

Why the 'because of ds' thing? Is he thinking you need 'saving'

He's decided he's ready to be a family man, so he has acquired your family to be so.
Creep.

Plans are made, and changed. It's not a contract!

Look at his behaviour now, everything he does now is giving more reasons to have ended it, and keep it ended.

No, because he's struggling being away from DS (but when we were together he just played with him, never did the girtty actual-parent stuff, which is probaby why DS hasn't mentioned him since the first few days post split)!

It feels like it was a contract. Like I unknowingly signed up to be a family member to his family (his mum is 'devastated') and that when things were better and I said I saw a future, I wasn't allowed to deviate from that even if things changed or he started treating me like crap

I can't wait for Sunday. No!

everything he does now is giving more reasons to have ended it, and keep it ended.

Very true. He's miles from the person I thought he was. He's selfish, aggressive and something's gotta be a bit with him/the way he percieves the world, to be behaving like he is.

*bit wrong with him

Look at his behaviour now, everything he does now is givingmorereasons to have ended it, and keep it ended.

YY to this!

op, I have some similar experience (though not with the scary bit, thankfully) - I had a ex who bombarded me with long, heartfelt letters about his devastation when I dumped him. It went on for months and then when I finally had a moment of weakness relented and agreed to get back together, he messaged me the next day to say his current girlfriend would be devastated if he dumped her and so could we just keep things as they were?

He tried it on again after that, but I qas having fucking none of it. Fool me once and all that. I admire your fortitude op, it is hard work standing firm in the face of pressure to conform.

And fabulous username btw :)

Thanks Been reading I Can Make You Hate for giggles this week to take my mind off everything.

Yeah, I know the second I took him back (if I did) he'd regress within 24hrs and I'd be back to my miserable, stressed, stretched out old self and he'd be happy as larry and have everything cushy again.

That will no be happening.

*not

Have a case of tired-fingers!

Woke up a lot last night. I hate him for making this so bloody hard.

I hope the PO can do something on Sunday or take it further. The contact has stopped but I don't feel free of the effects yet. Because he hasn't stopped yet. I think he's just gotten angrier and more determined to hurt/upset me rather than get me back now.

Having a lazy day with DS anyway.

Going into town in a bit to buy some cheapy kiddy-cake mix and possibly a cheap DVD (If I have to watch Frozen one more time I will actually cry ).

Also buying myself some supplies to do some recreational writing with. I love to write but was too busy to with DS, studying and the ex in the eve being a demanding twat. Writing makes me feel more like 'me' plus it's very theraputic

I'll be damned if he's going to piss on my weekend

It's strange because I don't want to be a 'victim'/feel like i'm the target of something yet I feel like something bad is still being done to me. Like despite him not actually contacting me he's still actively trying to 'get to me', which means something bad is still happening IYSWIM?

Yeah, he's got you jumping at shadows now and with a mild sense that he's around every corner.

The pathetic, bollockless idiot. Feel sorry for his next girlfriend that he takes in!

charlie in no way was it your fault last friday. You were being pressured and badgered and wobbled for a split second. That's not a hanging crime and any decent man would have taken the many many F.O. messages beforehand and not been texting you again in the first place.

Charlie, that feeling that Meerkat so aptly described is the hangover of what he has been doing to you. It will go. Atm, you are still unsure whether you've got to the end of it (not the actual relationship which is quite clearly ended, but whether he has actually pissed off into your past).

Once you've moved you will feel much cleaner and clearer and freer of him. How long until then?

Meanwhile, you are doing all the right things.

Thank you. I feel so much better for just venting a bit on here and being told I'm not imagining it and that I didn't commit some sort of terrible crime

I think the police may take things further (not sure how) and I'll push for them to have another word or something or whatever comes after the initial warning.

It does feel like a creepy-emotional-hangover. Perfect description

There are so mnay times I let him make me feel bad when I'd done nothing wrong and was only asserting myself (which I shouldn't have had to do at all). It's like the wool has literally been lifted and it's almost embarassing how much crap I took before I left.

On the plus side, if it hadn't been for very good friends and MN I'd likely still be plodding along and getting quite sick.

Gonna explain to whoever comes over on Sunday that I just want it to stop and for him to do what he promised. I can't prove he got his friend to message me but they could ask him to warn his friends not to get involved etc and just maybe insist he walks the longer way to work/agrees to walk on the other side and stick to it or something.

I'll explain that it's ridiculous, as we split a month ago now and I'm still feeling like I'm being harassed for it.

Good luck for Sunday :)

I do sympathise. While I've not been harassed by an XP as such, I did have some trouble with an ex-friend a few years ago. He became absolutely obsessed with the idea that I was a really bad person who everyone ought to hate, and kept posting these demented rants all over the internet and trying to drag other people into it. I knew he was a drug-addled fuckwit, so did everyone else and I was never in any actual danger but it was pretty stressful.
I hope the police can be a bit firmer with your XP and force him to back the fuck down. Best of luck.

Thank you. That sounds horrid, whether or not others believed him.

Yes, ex seems to think that the tonne of 'no contact/leave me alone' requests don't matter because I had one wobble (which was partly due to just wanting it to stop and catching me at a vulnerable time, because I'm actually human). This one wobble means I must just be playing hard to get

Really hard to get...

He thinks your no-contact requests don't matter because, to him, you don't matter, or rather your wishes don't matter. What he wants is all he cares about.

Pretending he had the wrong impression, because of your momentary concession to his pressure tactics - that's sheer brass neck on his part.

Re your earlier posts: I'm a bit shocked by your friend suggesting that he's 'heartbroken' and 'trying to win you back'! Heartbroken people might weep: they do not, stalk, intimidate, and refuse to take no for an answer. As for winning you back: words fail me.

I had a call from a friend earlier who knows the man who messaged me. She asked if he had and what he said and that ex was really worried as he only found out earlier and doesn't want to be in any more trouble with the police. This friend does have form for trying to chat up his friends ex gf's and basically anyone female (I'd been told a lot about him when together with ex but only met him in passing once).

I don't really care anymore anyway! It is what it is.

If he wanted to stay together he should have treated me with respect and not handled the break up like a petulant child!

He's more selfish and immature than downright 'bad'. Wants what he wants, how he wants it and is used to getting it his mum's doing.

My god, your friends all won't leave well enough alone, will they? If ex wants to know what his friend did and said, why doesn't he ask his friend? Why has your friend phoned to ask you about it?

I would seriously ask your friends to stop mentioning the ex to you, it's not helpful.

I hope in my previous post you didn't think I was minimising his behaviour?, I am on the contrary very concerned, hence advising you to tell the police. The fact that he is deluding himself concerns me because he is setting up a battle in his head. Where most jilted Johns would turn in on themselves, be sad, get drunk, then find the next best available, he's not. He is dramatising this to suit a fantasy role that he can play. If his mental state is such that he has a personality disorder, he will be setting up ways to convince himself that you are wrong, he is right and he can force you to believe that.

He is stalking you. It's not the behaviour of someone for whom rejection is just a sad part of anyone's life, to him, if my judgment is right, rejection is an assault, an attack on him. He deals with rejection by convincing himself that it hasn't happened. That deluded state is not a sign of a healthy mind, or considered responses. He is distancing himself and you, from reality and that's potentially dangerous.

So what I'm saying is that I really hope the police make sure you are fully protected. His behaviour is worrying.

But I do say you should forgive your friends for being drawn into his mind games, he is clearly an expert player. Doesn't mean you can't find new people though.

Jesus christ! Have your friends literally nothing in their lives?

Are they so utterly devoid of anything noteworthy in their pitiful existences that they're dragging out this pathetic soap opera?

If they mention anything about the ex, stop them right there and say, 'please don't make me add you to the police report about intimidating me into going back into a deeply unhappy and unhealthy relationship, it's over, and it's nobody's business but mine'

From what she said she'd clearly not been told a lot/spun something different. I have asked her not to contact me again and done a pre-emptive blocking of people he may 'use' on FB and on my phone (that I don't mind blocking).

She then also said 'Id want to know if it was me so just telling you he was planning to propose to you on your birthday and was saving up'. Yeah sure, a proposal would really make the relationship great. It's not like being treated with respect and care would have made him more likely to make it that far or anything

Yeah, just whack a 'big-gesture' in an unhealty relationship every few months. It'll make it all ok

I do actually worry that he's totally deluded himself as it's been a month but it sounds like he still thinks there's a decent chance I'll come around!

Slept well anyway.

Propose? Wtaf?

This is bollocks tbh. The guy that I dumped after he was controlling and weird, stonewalling me for 3 days etc didn't take no for an answer. He told me he was going to give me a key to his flat. Mainly because he had some kindd of illness (apparently) so wanted a carer I think. He was also ridiculously interested in wanting to see my DS. It all gave me the heeby jeebies. So I ended it. He would text me over and over, i'd ignore him. He texted "HELP" one sunday night, in a bid to get me over there (ds in back of car no doubt, not happening!) I smelt a rat there and then. Friends told me to report his cry for help to the police. I told them that he was probably not in any danger, and that I felt it was a ploy, I didn't want to know anything about him, but it was a civic responsibility to call help. The police went, apparently there was nothing wrong with him.
He'd text me every few days with the same text; 'thinking of you' i'd ignore him.

Then despite never coming to my house, I found a gift i'd given him in a plastic bag on the windscreen of my car. THAT freaked me out and I called 101 and reported him.

They went and told him to leave me alone, he was full of excuses, but thankfully did.

Life went on, I met someone, went out with them for a year, ended it, all good.

One sunday, FB message pops up from Mr HELP informing me that i'd be delighted to hear that he's handed in his notice and was moving to Australia, and I didn't need to worry about bumping into him ever again.

Erm, what?

Freak!

Remember that this guy is being like this because he's got ishoos, they are his issues and you have a right NOT to be harassed.

This situation will get resolved, with any luck this week, and you'll be moving soon. Hang in there lovey, you'll be fine soon enough!

That sounds freaky! Yeah, he seems to think I still really care about him. I still have residual 'feelings' because we were together over a year and I'm human, but it goes no further than that and his weird behaviour since we split thankfully killed a lot of what I felt for him.

He talked about marriage when we were together but he talked about a lot of things that never happened and would never happen. I thought it was just something he said because he thought it was what I wanted to hear (it wasn't really, I'm only 23 and not desperate to jump into something so binding unless wed been together a lot longer and I was a little nearer 30).

He has more 'ishoos' that I thought though, that's for sure. I just got a taste of it when we were together and now he's gone full-weird.

His main concern about the friend who first contacted me (and apparantly was hoping to chat me up) was that I'd 'fall for it'. So I hope he doesn't get weird if he finds out I've met someone (if/when I do)!

Have a night out with a friend this eve which is very much needed.

Thank god for MN anyway. It's been such a masive help and helped me see it clearly rather than get sucked back in.