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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Did I do the right things by threatening to contact the police or was I OTT?

410 replies

CharlieBrookerScowl · 06/07/2014 08:55

Broke up with my ex 3 and a half weeks ago. We'd been together almost 2yrs. At first he was angry and that was fine. I was very clear, everytime he asked in that first week, that it was 100% over. I had many reasons and felt he'd never change and I'd been very stressed and unhappy for months before.

The second week I'd asked him not to contact me and then got a few texts after that but he eventually left it. After lots of emotionally manipulative texts. I'm talking long essays about how sad he is/misses me & DS (not his and he was crap with him when we were together)/his family are upset/other kids keep asking after DS.

Then yesterday, after a week and a half of no contact (thank god, I thought that was it) he contacted me out of the blue with another guilt-trippy essay and begged me to just talk to him for a few minutes. It caught me off guard so I stupidly agreed as he said he just wanted to ask after DS etc (I am such a bloody idiot). He almost managed to talk me into meeting yesterday but I just said I couldn't handle it/didn't trust him not to try and beat me submission (not physically!) like he had been since we split. He really seemed to think enough harassment would win me back! Shock

He sent lots of texts that I ignored after that begging to come over for just fifteen minutes and I was actually really creeped out all night. It was crap and every sound had me on edge (I live in a ground floor flat and needed the windows open as it was so hot)!

I replied in the morning saying please don't contact me. I asked you not to contact me before. To which he sent another essay begging to come over/we need to be together/give it a chance and I just saw red. I don't want to feel scared in my own home!! So I threatened to call 101 (and meant it). Was sent a reply along the lines of 'I can't believe you'd threaten that when I'm just telling you I love you' Hmm Err I asked you not to contact me twice, in plain terms and you're scaring me. He has form for ignoring me wrt to boundary issues anyway.

I wasn't being OTT was I!? Hmm

OP posts:
Hissy · 09/07/2014 18:47

Can you talk about the relationship, and the reasons why you ended it? It may shed some light on why he's apparently behaving out of character. I.e the never having fought so hard before.

I'd have said that's bollocks, that no-one suddenly starts a new tactic like harassment or stalking out of the blue.

CharlieBrookerScowl · 09/07/2014 18:53

He was emotioanlly controlling when we were together but not like that. He made me feel like I couldn't bring up things that upset me towards the end and liked me being stuck at home (not threatening/likely to meet better in his eyes anyway and a bit isolated).

I posted about him before on MN a few times under the name TheOrchardKeeper actually.

I told them I was reporting it because it doesn't sound like much but I've had to change what I do in my own house and feel jumpy/unsafe and they said that they'll discuss it on sunday but if he shows up to call 999 and to call 101 if anything else smaller happens to keep it all recorded in case it's needed in the future.

OP posts:
CharlieBrookerScowl · 09/07/2014 18:55

I mostly ended it as it was like having another kid and he wasn't supportive enough. Plus he was desperate to have kids in the next few years (despite being a manchild) and I don't want anymore. Certainly not by him. I'd be trapped! And he's generally just lazy in relationships (or ours at least). Lots of BS about the future and no follow through. Plus he made my anxiety worse. Used to tell me off for having panic attacks (haven't in a long time now but it was veeeery unhelpful) and let me down a lot when ill this year/after surgery.

OP posts:
CharlieBrookerScowl · 09/07/2014 19:01

It's been 3 days though and I get the feeling he's just going to do that for a bit until he gets bored of waiting for a reaction.

OP posts:
CharlieBrookerScowl · 09/07/2014 19:28

one thread about DP

and another

Very long though. A lot went on towards the end!

OP posts:
CharlieBrookerScowl · 09/07/2014 19:29

  • EX! Not dp, force of habit arrrrgh Hmm

I almost talk like I do on MN in rl. Nearly called DS 'DS' yesterday Grin

OP posts:
Hissy · 09/07/2014 19:40

He's ticking all the Abuser boxes.

He's a Twat-In-Waiting!

Your feelings are not important to him.

Only he is important to him.

He wants to isolate you from anyone and everyone.

He likes to see/make you vulnerable.

The having kids thing is a further trap - but you knew that already.

Maybe he saw you as a single parent as an 'easy target'

I also think that regardless of what his friends say, he'll have done similar to this in the past, they don't know it.

2 years is significant. On average it takes 2 years for abusive partners to make themselves at home and relax from pretending to be the nicest boyf in the world (which as they are not is absolutely exhausting for them).

The signs are there early on, aand gradually get more obvious.

I scanned your posts, in the other name, didn't read in depth as on phone.

What jumps out is how full of life, strength and energy you are. How giving you are and how kind. I bet you're intelligent (I see your a FT student, bloody well done you!) witty, funny and a really great person to be around.

You are the kind of person many people would love as a friend.

You are, sadly, also one of the people abusers like to acquire, to sap of energy, strength and vitality.

Make sure that you don't ever give that guy the time of day again. I know he's intimidating you, perhaps to provoke another anxiety attack.

He's not your friend, he's an enemy now. Don't give him an inch, report, report, report.

No surrender!

Hissy · 09/07/2014 19:42

The reason he's so cross and refusing to give up is that he's put in 2 years of effort training you, and you've rejected him.

He can't bear the idea of having to start all over again with someone else.

All about him again there, see?

Have you read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft

(I have my smartphone trained to predict text that :) )

CharlieBrookerScowl · 09/07/2014 19:50

Thank you Blush That made me a bit tearful (in a good way)! Grin

He's a little less bright. I think he thought I was dimmer than I am! He was perfect in the first 6 months. There when I needed him, brought me thoughful little presents, never criticized/put me down/tried to shut me down etc.

His focus since the break up has been on not wasting what we 'had' when I've not wated to waste another second on the shit tbh.

OP posts:
CharlieBrookerScowl · 09/07/2014 19:55

I think he liked the fact I had little self-confidence when we got together but I gained a lot in the last year (started volunteering and studying and lost a little weight).

OP posts:
Hissy · 09/07/2014 20:14

Oh yeah. He underestimated you alright. Thought you'd be 'trainable'

I'm twice your age, you're learning the lesson I learned when I was 43.

I'm happier and (mentally) healthier than i've ever been.

If I can achieve this, at my age, just imagine what you can do!

My mother likes to see me 'down' hated when I began to rise up again after the abusive relationship I was in for 10 years. She 'helped' me stay in it somehow.

As much as we have good in our hearts for others, this can anger and irritate those who don't.

You've done so well to get away from this guy, he wouldn't be any help to you on the next journey in life.

CharlieBrookerScowl · 10/07/2014 08:01

Sorry to hear that Thanks But well done! Smile

He walked right past on my side again but only glanced in, then pretended he hadn't. Maybe he's getting the message or just getting bored. Either way, I'll do a dance when I've moved and he's moved on.

OP posts:
CharlieBrookerScowl · 10/07/2014 08:03

Don't know why I thought he was so handsome. I think seeing how selfish he could actually be losing his 'property' and realizing just how much he put me through when we were together has made him so ugly to me.

OP posts:
CharlieBrookerScowl · 10/07/2014 08:06

he actually looked pathetic this morning. All greasy and clearly unwashed (he was very lazy with personal care after we'd been together for about 6mnths), trying to get whatever reaction he could because he's actually powerless now! I'll never 'discount' myself in the future like that. Never ever ever.

OP posts:
CharlieBrookerScowl · 10/07/2014 09:31

This is the first day since we split that I've actually felt 'free'. Both of him and in myself. It's why I broke up with him and what I was after.

Finally feel more like my old self, and like I'm not drained of emotional energy etc. Grin Cake

OP posts:
Meerka · 10/07/2014 10:39

lovely to hear charlie :) ever so nice to read first thing in the morning!

CharlieBrookerScowl · 10/07/2014 11:12

Glad haha Smile

Just concentrating on getting me and DS to a place with more room (and a whole other bedroom so I'm not on a damn sofa bed for any longer) and passing my driving test!

He can sulk and stare all he likes if that's all he's going to do. It just looks bad on his part. I don't feel an ounce of guilt, and nor should I.

OP posts:
CharlieBrookerScowl · 10/07/2014 16:54

One of his friends (just his, I've only met him once) messaged this afternoon to say it's a shame and is there anything he can do to help us 'work it out'/be happier. (I'm guessing ex is still having trouble accepting it's fucking over at all then, despite the 'not boverrred' thing).

I just asked him not to contact me again (he said ex didn't out him up to it but it's fishy) and then I blocked him. But I'll show the officer on sunday & say I think ex may have been behind that as he knows not to directly contact me etc and is still walking past and looking in so may still be 'struggling' with accepting the boundaries etc.

It's just sad. Really bloody sad.

OP posts:
tribpot · 10/07/2014 17:02

God, he's not very subtle, is he? Some guy you've met once out of the blue contacts you to ask if he can do anything? WTF!

CharlieBrookerScowl · 10/07/2014 17:31

What a coincidence!!

OP posts:
Hissy · 10/07/2014 17:32

When you move, change your mobile number/email etc. VANISH from this creep.

what a psycho!

CharlieBrookerScowl · 10/07/2014 17:34

I'm going into the Vodafone store this weekend to explain and see what they can do.

I've blocked him from my email account too.

OP posts:
CharlieBrookerScowl · 10/07/2014 17:39

His friend did say ex has mixed emtions and is angry but would consider a reconciliation...

Have a lovely chilled eve planned anyway Smile thank god

OP posts:
ItHasANiceRingWhenYouLaugh · 10/07/2014 17:42

'Is angry but would consider a reconciliation.' Classic. My dad said nearly exactly this... He would consider taking my mum back... She dumped him.

You've been dumped, mate! Get the message already! Grin

tribpot · 10/07/2014 17:42

but would consider a reconciliation...

What a prince. He really is too kind.

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