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Original poster

Did I do the right things by threatening to contact the police or was I OTT?

410 replies

CharlieBrookerScowl · 06/07/2014 08:55

Broke up with my ex 3 and a half weeks ago. We'd been together almost 2yrs. At first he was angry and that was fine. I was very clear, everytime he asked in that first week, that it was 100% over. I had many reasons and felt he'd never change and I'd been very stressed and unhappy for months before.

The second week I'd asked him not to contact me and then got a few texts after that but he eventually left it. After lots of emotionally manipulative texts. I'm talking long essays about how sad he is/misses me & DS (not his and he was crap with him when we were together)/his family are upset/other kids keep asking after DS.

Then yesterday, after a week and a half of no contact (thank god, I thought that was it) he contacted me out of the blue with another guilt-trippy essay and begged me to just talk to him for a few minutes. It caught me off guard so I stupidly agreed as he said he just wanted to ask after DS etc (I am such a bloody idiot). He almost managed to talk me into meeting yesterday but I just said I couldn't handle it/didn't trust him not to try and beat me submission (not physically!) like he had been since we split. He really seemed to think enough harassment would win me back! Shock

He sent lots of texts that I ignored after that begging to come over for just fifteen minutes and I was actually really creeped out all night. It was crap and every sound had me on edge (I live in a ground floor flat and needed the windows open as it was so hot)!

I replied in the morning saying please don't contact me. I asked you not to contact me before. To which he sent another essay begging to come over/we need to be together/give it a chance and I just saw red. I don't want to feel scared in my own home!! So I threatened to call 101 (and meant it). Was sent a reply along the lines of 'I can't believe you'd threaten that when I'm just telling you I love you' Hmm Err I asked you not to contact me twice, in plain terms and you're scaring me. He has form for ignoring me wrt to boundary issues anyway.

I wasn't being OTT was I!? Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 12/07/2014 08:40

I have wondered if he'd leave something on my car actually! He seems to eye it up everytime he walks past Hmm

But I think he's just making a point of staring at DS's car seat to make me feel bad Grin

Nope. All it's doing is making you look creepy ex. Nice try though...!

OP posts:
Hissy · 12/07/2014 09:18

The difference between your weirdo and mine is that we are in our 40s. If your weirdo is like this in his 20s, i'm kinda worried about where it'll lead! :(

A short sharp shock now may knock some sense into him, so if the police want to pursue this, please support that? We'll all be here to support you every step of the way.

We get mighty protective of fabulous young women like you being treated like this by weirdos like him! You're a MNER, well we'll get all Mumma MNER on his arse if he keeps up with this! :)

Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 12/07/2014 11:16

Thank you.

I'll push it as much as I can with the Police. He needs to be made aware that harassment isn't just texts/calls. And that I won't just ignore it and be all passive like I had the tendecy to be when we were together. I don't care about him anymore so won't hold back like I might have.

Yeah, I do wonder if he'll just get worse with age. He's 27! I think he thought I'd be a clingy/desperate single parent type, but I'm not. I went through pregnancy alone, had a newborn alone and dealth with DS's health issues alone (he has clubfoot so needed lots of treatment when he was younger and still needs the odd check-up/wears a leg brace at night). That makes you surprisingly strong Smile

So jokes on him really. He picked the wrong woman to try and manipulate/wear down...! Grin

OP posts:
Hissy · 12/07/2014 13:26

Abusive men don't pick weak women. They pick strong ones that give them the challenge of wearing away to nothing.

It's designed to make them feel more powerful at your cost. They do this from a position of weakness and insecurity. They are pathetic and they know it. By destroying you, they think they can acquire your power.

But power is addictive, so the more they get from you, the more they need.

Know your enemy :) xx

Meerka · 12/07/2014 14:03

Have to say you really are strong and resilient charlie. I couldn't have been so strong at 23. I wouldn't have realised what was going on for a start.

Brrrr yeah, gawd, what will he be like at 40? doesn't bear thinking about.

Hissy · 12/07/2014 15:48

I wasn't even as strong at 33!

tribpot · 13/07/2014 07:45

Good luck for today, Charlie.

Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 13/07/2014 10:25

Thank you.

My neighbour knocked this morning to say that ex turned up at 6, pissed out of his face and passed him walking to my door so he managed to talk him away and I was none the wiser, til my neighbour knocked anyway!

The P.O I saw this time was a bit like 'well breakups are hard and he's not been constantly contacting you or contacted you since the warning etc' but she's gone round there to have a talk with him and explain that anymore contact will result in a first harassment order (not entirely sure what that means).

Just want him to fuck the fuck off out of my life.

OP posts:
Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 13/07/2014 10:32

If his parents were unaware of the first warning they know now! The P.O has gone to the house (he was at a friend's last time).

OP posts:
Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 13/07/2014 10:51

The P.O called me back. Apparantly he was jut sat on the wall thinking about memories etc Hmm

And he just doesn't understand why we broke up apparantly. He is heartbroken, I know that, and more sad than angry but he's still crossed lots of boundaries and made my life kind of shit the last month. Apparantly his mum is willing to be the go between if I want to talk about why we split.

Er NO FUCKING THANK YOU.

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Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 13/07/2014 10:51

*just

OP posts:
gamerchick · 13/07/2014 10:54

The mothers getting involved is a pain in the arse.. if she rings you to talk, just hang up. It's not worth the stress.

Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 13/07/2014 10:59

She won't. She just told the P.O she was wiling to be a go-between if I wanted to discuss the reasons.

I have discussed the reasons already. Leave me the fuck alone Angry

scuse my venting, I am so fucking angry as DS could've been there and I am very protective Grin

OP posts:
tribpot · 13/07/2014 11:01

Er, but he's only not 'contacted' you (excluding all the third party contact you've been having) because your neighbour intercepted him (on his way to sit outside your house thinking about memories, allegedly). Plus he has walked past your house and looked in the windows every day. If you weren't planning to move, you'd have to put up with this for an indefinite period of time.

I'm surprised to hear that the first conversation with the police didn't amount to his harassment warning. How many pre-warning warnings is he going to get?

Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 13/07/2014 11:06

He's had a harassment warning already.

She was hesitant to move onto the next course of action legally though as he's 'not violent etc, just heartbroken and taking the break up badly'.

I think I feel worse than I did before actually. Fuckers Biscuit

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Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 13/07/2014 11:08

Also, how is an emotional, shit-faced ex sat outside your house at 6 in the morning not fucking creepy??

The P.O actually sounded really sorry for him. Yeah, he's genuinely sad etc but if he gave even a tiny turd about me he'd have stopped already.

OP posts:
Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 13/07/2014 11:09

She said she couldn't prove he was going to come and knock...

OP posts:
Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 13/07/2014 11:18

Feel put off from reporting anything else (if anything else happens) to be honest.

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Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 13/07/2014 11:20

I feel ridiculous even considering it but if I rang Women's Aid would they be able to give me some better advice. I don't feel reassured at all. Quite the opposite and I'm genuinely worried about how far this is going to go Sad

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Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 13/07/2014 11:35

I know he's not the usual, violent, obviously abusive type but that doesn't mean I feel any safer. Yet besides me two close friends, no one else, Police included seems to think it's an issue.

Reall sad and angry tbh.

OP posts:
tribpot · 13/07/2014 11:41

But this has nothing to do with his feelings and everything to do with his actions. He's outside your house, drunk, at 6 o'clock in the morning (meaning he was still drunk when she spoke to him later) - he doesn't have to knock for that to be incredibly intimidating.

Did the PO say whether or not he had committed to staying away from you? It doesn't exactly sound like it if his mum is offering to act as a go-between in front of the police. In which case, the warning cannot have had an effect. And it isn't about her reluctance to move this to the next legal step, has he met the criteria for that. Feeling sorry for him is irrelevant.

I think I would write to the police with a summary of the events of today and state again:

  • you wish to have no contact with him, either directly or through a third party
  • you do not feel safe in your home
  • you wish the matter to be pursued by the police.

I think once it's on your file it will be harder for them to ignore.

No-one is suggesting this is the crime of the century and that the police should be devoting all their resources to it, but the fact is you feel under siege in your home, with a small child. He continues to contact you and you simply want him to stop.

tribpot · 13/07/2014 11:43

Cross-posted with you - yes, I think you should phone Women's Aid.

Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 13/07/2014 11:45

My blood ran cold when me neighbour told me this morning. There I was thinking things were blowing over, fast asleep with windows open (too hot not to) and he was sat on a wall, staring at my house, pissed out of his face justa few feet away. How is that ok to the police? Worse happens, and yes, he never beat me, raped me, threatened me etc but why does that mean it's not serious?

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Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 13/07/2014 11:48

No, she didn't. She was crap.

She just said he was sorry and he clearly just loves me and is heartbroken. And wants answers as he doesn't understand (absoloute bollocks and irrelevant anyway as we split a month ago now and he had reasons) and that his mum wants me to know she'd be willing to be a go between!!!!!!!!!

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tribpot · 13/07/2014 11:54

Jesus, she wasn't there to do relationship counselling but to inform him of the need for him to leave you alone. I get that he is clearly very convincing, given the number of so-called friends you've had contacting you on his behalf since this happened, but facts are facts. Maybe he is heartbroken, WTF has that go to do with anything from a legal perspective?