BBC3 programme; wake up call

[PerfectlyPosed]

I'm sure there have been numerous threads about 'Murdered by my boyfriend' which was on Monday evening. I have watched it twice, once with my DP of 6 years and once with my two best friends.

The scene in it that made me really sit up and re-evaluate my relationship was at the end when it all came to a head and he, eventually, beat her to death. He got home very drunk and climbed onto the bed with her as she pretended to sleep. Then when she wouldn't wake up he started being a bit more aggressive and pushing her until eventually she snapped in his face.

This is exactly what my DP does to me. He comes in from a drunken night out telling me he loves me and I am his world, etc. etc. Then gradually gets more and more irritating (purposely stealing the covers or knowingly sitting too close, etc.) until I am forced to retaliate. He has never hit me and I really don't think he would but it really frightened me to see the similarities. I even said, when I was watching last night with friends, "this is exactly the way DP behaves" and they were shocked. I have recently found out I am pregnant.

I don't know why I've posted really, just to get it off my chest I suppose. In many ways, he is incredible and I am so happy that we are having a baby together but that programme really frightened me. The guy on there was charming and treated her like a princess at the beginning but flipped when he became paranoid about her behaviour. DP has never been possessive and we very much have our own lives but he does like a drink and can sometimes often get quite aggressive with it although I must reiterate never violent.

You seem under the impression that you are already too stuck to leave.
And that is a dangerous position to be in.
It can only get worse, both in terms of being stuck (with a very young baby) and of the abuse.

I think you're hoping and waiting as it's clearly evident that you don't feel, personally, that it's bad enough to leave yet. You're giving your DP the benefit of the doubt in the hope that your pregnancy will somehow magically change him into a more considerate drunk.

Right now you just can't see the bigger picture the way we who have gone through this can. Even we are seeing it in hindsight. I may be mistaken (aplogies if I've got it wrong) but this is your first pregnancy. You have no idea how your hormones will affect you and how that will have a knock on effect when it comes to your DP. Or how knackering being heavily pregnant is. Add to that a loud, obnoxious drunk and it's not a nice recipe for a stress free pregnancy.

And that's without considering the time, peace, and attention a newborn requires. I hope we're all wrong and he pulls up his socks and stops being so selfish, I really do. And I sincerely hope he doesn't say what mine said when he was shaking me awake at stupid o'clock "I forgot you were pregnant."

You won't be by yourself, you will have your baby.

A whole new world opens up for you when you have a baby, you really don't want it to happen with an alcoholic in tow, with an alcoholic grandparent wanting to bounce the baby on his knee, with a Dad that won't be happy until you can clean the house like his Mum does. You will be meeting new people (have you started antenatal classes yet?). You will be setting down roots with these people and a social life. You become settled. It makes it much harder to leave because there is even more to lose.

As I said, it is overwhelming, come back after the weekend and talk to us about how you feel after you've read those links and learned more about it.

After I got out, eventually in our DV recovery group, we discussed -straw poll- around the room how long it had taken from the point of realisation that we were in a 'bad' relationship to actually being free of it.

On average 2 years.

It takes on average 2 years for an abuser to show themselves. if you know what to look for, the signs will be there much earlier than that. The unexpected reaction, the flying off the handle about something, destruction of property, sulking, silent treatment, all these kinds of things designed to punish you and train you into doing what you are being told to do by them. Triggers for augmentation of abuse are marriage, pregnancy, childbirth, job loss. Basically when you are placed in a situation of reliance/trust.

So then you have the relationship itself. however long that drags on, getting worse and worse and worse, NEVER better.

Then one day you realise that others don't live like that, and come to realise that all your feelings of sadness, fear and worry are being created BY this man deliberately to keep you under his spell/within his control.

That's when the exit starts. As I say, takes about 2 years on average to get the strength to do something about it, but I CAN PROMISE YOU THIS:

You will never, ever EVER regret leaving a relationship like this.

You will KICK yourself for not having done it sooner. You will feel like the biggest idiot on god's earth.

But you will be ALIVE, and your DC will have a CHANCE in life.

Whatever it takes, you can't go back now, you can only go forward. the ONLY option you have, be it now or later, is to leave him.

the ONLY option he has it to accept it and let you go. If he doesn't, then the police are there for that.

Mumset is a super place for supporting you through this

I am by myself now with the DS from an abusive father. Nothing could be easier. I make all the decisions that suit US best. HE doesn't get to control jack shit in my life.

please don't be frightened of the unknown, nothing is scarier than a lifetime of the known that you know of day to day, and your life IS being damaged day by day the longer you stay with this man

And now you have Hissy on your case, I'd say she's the Miss Marple of the Relationships thread, won't let anything slip by her and will take no nonsense and no excuses!

everything hissy said

Miss Marple?

Sheesh, I may have had a birthday this week, but I'm not ready for Gransnet ever yet!

I'm showing my age I'm afraid, Cagney and Lacey are already taken up by AF and Garlic

Happy birthday, Marple. Love from Cagney

There are many kinds of abusive relationships.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I only realised it was emotional abuse about 4-6 months after I finally split up for good. It took 3 years and numerous splits to walk away when he finally snapped, threatened me physically and I was scared.
Before that he hid things, lied, was secretive, sulked, refused to engage in conversations I felt were important, went off for days without contact, wouldn't answer phone, shut down and shut off from me. I changed how I lived with him over time, so I didn't upset him.
I also begged and pleaded and was desperate to talk so I could help him/us/understand why he did things. Every time he went off, he then kept me hanging in with glimpses of his original charm and charisma ( which he showed everyone outwardly, of course!) and how he was ready to listen and do something about it. I was grateful for a crumb he threw at me, if you know what I mean.

When we split he made sure it was very difficult for me, but he let me go-I left in one day basically after he had locked me in and also thrown things at me, I just got what I could and went and as I predicted he was in another relationship soon enough.

I still have days where I wonder was it abuse or just a 'bad' relationship? But he did many things that make me realise he was trying to control me somehow, whether hiding money or picking fights every time my friends were about to turn up or we were going out. Little things wear you down too.
Sorry this is an all me post, I am just having a bit of a think about it all for the first time in a long time and still wonder why us women who are strong, independent and happy can one day find ourselves lonely in a damaging relationship and doubting our instincts. And we STILL put them first, how they feel, what they need, what can I do to support them? The answer is you can't put them before you. You can only put your children before yourself.

I'm much happier now and hope you can be too. It was exhausting worrying about things when I was with my ex.
If you have any doubts, listen to yourself. I later heard stories about my ex as someone who flew off the handle and had been violent to strangers, although most mutual friends couldn't or wouldn't have believed he was anything but a great laugh, funny and lovely.

His drink problem is what worries me. Even if - and that is a big if - he wanted to change, not be like his dad, the fact that he is drinking so much means he doesn't have the ability to deal with his emotions.

OP

I also wanted to say that having a baby is really emotionally and physically drianing. If you are going to embark on it with another person, when you are in those years when the child depends on you totally for emotional support and containment, you need to have a man who can emotionally support and contain you in turn. Not one you have to worry about as well. Never mind one who might hurt you.

Too stuck to leave?

I'll consider stuck if it matches being 4 flights up (no lift) in a foreign and hostile country, no money, no sense of where you are, 3 hours drive from the airport that can take you 'home' to people who don't really wanna know.

Ok so I didn't actually get out from that, but i'd made my mind up there that when the time came to be on a plane, that it'd be the last time I ever set foot on that country's soil.

They can shut us away, but they can't take our minds unless we let them.

Defiance. It's the strongest weapon we have, in our heads we practice being strong, before we can put the feet on the path outta there.

2 women a week are killed by their partners. Added to this there will be others that kill themselves to get away.

There is no excuse for abuse. They do it because they want to, not because we made them do it. WE don't figure at all in their feelings/thoughts.

Garlic? I don't recall if you're blonde or not... if not, you're Lacey, and AF is Caggers.

Jus' saying...

What makes you think he will beg and plead to keep you when he didn't last time you broke up?

Many men who are having affairs accuse their partners of doing just that. I think him saying he is the one being abused is very telling.

I think your best plan is to not have this baby tbh otherwise you will be tied to him forever and surely that isn't something you would want? And get the fuck away from him. WHY are you not ready to go? You know you could be repeating the tv programme's subject. Why are you staying?

I apologised to my ex after he hit me. We were living together, I had no money, no family, 100's of miles from friends and felt trapped. I got my act together, secretly got a live in job and he was not happy. I know it is hard but seriously you get ONE life and it is much to long to spend it in fear.

Saying you don't like his behaviour when he is drunk IS enough to leave and quite frankly if you can't be on your own you really need to grow up a lot. Sorry but you can not bring a baby into an abusive relationship because you can't bear to be on your own.

I know it's really hard to leave and you are scared but if you stay with him you are sleepwalking towards your death. This man won't change, he will only get worse. I wish to God you weren't pregnant as this keeps you tied to him ( just like the girl in the film). If I were you I'd get an abortion and get easy as fast as I can. Sorry to be so direct but the more you post the more horrific it gets. Stop making excuses for him. 2 women every week are killed by their partner. Do you want to be one of them...?

• get away, not easy.

in our heads we practice being strong, before we can put the feet on the path

Very good, Hissy, and true. Hope it's working for you, Perfectly

I suspect AF's also blonde, she gets first choice! Or I'll be Marple

This is for you, OP

I Got Flowers Today

I got flowers today.
It wasn't my birthday or any other special day.
We had our first argument last night,
And he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me.
I know he is sorry and didn't mean the things he said.
Because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today.
It wasn't our anniversary any other special day.
Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me.
It seemed like a nightmare.
I couldn't believe it was real.
I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.
I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today,
and it wasn't Mother's Day or any other special day.
Last night, he beat me up again.
And it was much worse than all the other times.
If I leave him, what will I do?
How will I take care of my kids?
What about money?
I'm afraid of him and scared to leave.
But I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today.
Today was a very special day.
It was the day of my funeral.
Last night, he finally killed me.
He beat me to death.
If only I had gathered enough courage and strength to leave him,
I would not have gotten flowers...today.

DONT LET THIS BE YOU, please.

Bloody hell .

I still think about and worry about SA. She had a Latin name iirc with those initials.

I'm just about to watch this. I have a friend trapped in a horrid relationship it makes me so sad for her. I'm praying she finds the strength to leave.

You are worth more than this too OP

Unfortunately leaving doesn't actually mean you are safe. 75% of women who are murdered by a partner are killed after they have left the relationship. It is one of the high risk factors and is why it's so important for women to be able to access support when they need to leave, especially a refuge space where they can't be found by the perpetrator. Unfortunately it's this kind of support that's being really affected by the cuts at the moment.