It's about to hit the fan

[Gogglepox]

My H works away during the week and comes home Fri-Sun. I have posted before about him being EA.

To keep the family together we agreed to move (we have two girls 2, 5) to the city of his work (still in the UK). I got a new job there (a better job than previously actually!) and start at the end of July. We've rented out our London house and I am taking our girls on holiday back to my country for a week whilst the house move happens (H and his parents are organising move whilst we're away).

We are in the middle if buying a "home for life " in the new city. It is gorgeous ( but a large mortgage) and would be idyllic for the kids. Proper family home.

The catch? Through issues with my H , me seeing a counsellor and feedback from my friends about my H (I posted before about this), I'm about to tell my H on Saturday that I don't want to buy the dream house because that will not solve our problems and it would just lock us in financially . My H will be angry, scared, sad and more angry. I'm smashing to pieces his perfect family, but it's far from perfect for me.

I am also telling him that the girls and I are still moving to the new city (for my new job, they're in a good school and to be nearer their F ) but we're renting a house just for me and the girls. I'm seeing some places on Monday to hopefully choose before we go on hols so we have somewhere to come back to because otherwise we're homeless! (My H has been put up in a one bed flat for his job).

Everyone is going to be in shock (his parents - who I love ) and H and our friends. But I can't see another way. I'm not in love with him anymore, he's isolated us from our friends ( they don't want to be around him and he embarrasses me with his arrogance ) and he speaks to me and the children awfully but he doesn't even realise it. We already had a chat about how unhappy I am but he hasn't changed to make things better. A friend staying with us said she thought he had actually regressed and she confessed that she wanted to tell him to get off his fat ass and be a father...but she but her tongue.

I'm scared about the impact on our girls and moving from a large house to a tiny rental and without daddy.

Thank god I work FT to be able to afford it but it will be tight to begin with.

I feel like I wake up to a nightmare every day and think it will work out in the end but similarly to other posts here , I feel guilty that I am turning everyone's lives upside down. H also has told me I am selfish to consider splitting up the family when we spoke about it before.

I have only told a couple of friends about my plans, the rest will be in shock. I'm juggling so much : house move, job move and now relationship break up. Originally I thought I would plod along in the relationship because there was only so much I could juggle but the house move pressure has forced my hand to make a drastic call on that too.

I'm trying to be pragmatic and organise everything but I'm shit scared moving away from my friends and what I know but on one hand it's also a fresh start for me.

I will need my PIL to have our girls for a bit over the summer whilst I sort out childcare. They love the girls so should be fine but they'll be devastated that I am doing this.

I'm nervous about the chat on Saturday because he always out argues me and turns things around and makes it my fault. My counsellor said I should put a time limit on the talk and go out with a friend after to decompress.

I guess I am posting to get this off my chest and to see if there is anything else I should be thinking about?

OP I've only just spotted this thread but wanted to say how impressed I am with the way you're handling it. Stick to your guns and keep your boundaries you're doing great. Oh and don't trust him for a second! Just make the most of his niceness while it lasts.

Gogglepox, you feel like you are being dishonest with your friends, you are worried that they may be abgry when they find out the true state of affairs? So tell them the truth! Tell anyone you want the truth. This is your life - not his - you are moving to a new city, a new job, and you will be carving a life for yourself and your girls by yourself. You need your friends now like you never did before! Tell them!

Thanks everyone. I have slowly started telling people today and they are supportive, I do need my friends and I told that to H tonight in an argument. He demanded to know who I had spoken to because he was concerned about our mutual friends but I said they needed to find out and he could tell anyone he wants. Funny thing is I don't care who he tells but he wants to know who I've told. Mostly because he is scared I will bad mouth him but I haven't, especially with our mutual friends but with my friends only, I will give them the unedited version.

The frustrating bit is that he is turning my choice of a separation on me, saying that I haven't thought of the consequences, that I'm selfish, that I don't know what happiness is which makes me so angry because he is so dismissive and speaks to me like a child. And he doesn't even realise it when I challenge him!

I haven't been great, I've still been snappy and curt with him but it's because I still think he's lazy and taking the piss around the house.

I am so looking forward to having my own space and making my own decisions and doing what I want without being spoken to like an ignorant child.

Dear gogglepox, i am in the same situation. I think we got to keep focused. Now I want to change my hol and go to see my friend and family abroad too. Stay strong.

Gogglepox, I'm so glad you are telling people, and I hope it is making you feel stonger, more resolute.

How long is it to go, now? Has he found a place to live in the new city? Don't be tempted to find a home for you in an area you don't want just because it will suit him better. Make your own choices. It is enough that you are in the same city.

As ShouldHaveMarriedTimDowling says, stay strong

I keep coming back to this thread! OP you're doing great

www.pistonheads.com/Gassing/topic.asp?h=0&f=210&t=1419924&i=320&mid=63473&nmt=Mumsnet+-+NEST+OF+VIPERS%21%21%21%21

www.pistonheads.com/Gassing/topic.asp?h=0&f=210&t=1419924&i=320&mid=63473&nmt=Mumsnet+-+NEST+OF+VIPERS%21%21%21%21

Chrissy what is your deal? Nobody cares!

Goggle, it's all so familiar, "you're not happy because you don't know how to be happy!"

It's rubbish.

Tell whoever you want to, definitely tell whoever you need to. It's mad to separate and keep it a secret.

Stop worrying about what he wants and start worrying about what you need! You need the support of your friends (including mutual friends). I doubt he is planning on saying nice things about you to them.

It's great that you've found a potential place. How nearby will he be? Things could easily turn nasty once he realises you won't be having him back. Make sure you're able to not see him daily. You really won't want to once things have settled.

Chrissy74 seems to be pointing out that some threads on Mumsnet get reposted to pistonheads where the men discuss them.

Not sure how or why that's relevant really. Pistonheads can call us what they want they have no respect for my opinion, I have no respect for theirs. Although most posters on both sites seem sensible and reasonable. Funnily enough, people prefer the sites they frequent. If I'd first seen "penis beaker" I probably would never have looked at MN.

Sorry for the ramble.

'I do need my friends and I told that to H tonight in an argument.'

• stop talking to him. You're still caught in the dynamic he's created - that anything which you do/say/feel is to be mediated by HIM and is HIS business. It simply isn't. Put him in the same category as the postman - what you do, who you see, what you say - um - why would you discuss ANY of that with him? He is external, not internal. He is outside, not inside, your life.

'He demanded to know who I had spoken to...wants to know who I've told.'

-'My personal life is now none of your business. The same with your personal life. Yes, I can talk about you to my friends and family, the same as you can talk about me if you choose. It's still none of your business. I don't want to converse with you about my dealings with other people, it's inappropriate. Butt out. If you're worried about what I might say about you, maybe start treating me as you would one of them - with respect, distance, as an adult.'

'I haven't been great, I've still been snappy and curt with him.'

• In other words, you've started reacting to him like a normal human being would - he's acting like a twat, you are showing your anger at that? I'd say that WAS pretty great.

When I was in the course of splitting up from XH but still living in the same house, my sister dragged me off on a life-saving holiday and got me to practice saying "whatever", "irrelevant" etc and giving blank uninterested looks to XH's more annoying sallies. It was really quite effective. The thing is, he knows the answers to all this, he just wants to keep you engaging, keep you on the back foot. Hence the constant needling. You do not owe him a response.

I recommend you deliver the speech suggested by Bruno, and then once he's heard it greet any further discussions of the subject with a cool delivery of "So?" with raised eyebrows.

Goggle, do not volunteer information to him which you would not tell that complete stranger over there. Much of it will be used against you, I'm afraid.

Your decisions now are your own, and you do not really need to discuss them with him. That is why your friends need to know what's going on as they are the ones you should be talking to.

He will only try to coerce and manipulate you into deciding whatever will work best for him. You need to keep reminding yourself that your best interests and his do not necessarily coincide.

No-one is obliged to stay in a marriage that they are deeply unhappy in. It doesn't matter what the background is. The difference is about how you finish the relationship. You can be a total shit about it (cheat on your partner, cut them off from their kids whatever) or you can be as decent as you can about it.

Whether your male or female, leaving a relationship is always very hard. It sounds like you are trying to do this as best as you can in the circumstances - I've known people grow up in families where the parents stayed together and fucking hated each other, and people grow up with separated parents who were much happier apart. Guess who turn out to be the less fucked up?

Your husband is allowed to be upset. He is allowed to ask questions. But he isn't allowed to dictate what your decision is, and he cannot force you to answer questions for the rest of time.

Break ups happen and it's a sad fact of life.